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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 10/04/2010 18:39

And after that call someone to fit a few bolts and/or change the locks. Don't wait until "I thought he was going to hit me" tunrs into "he hit me".

BelleDameSansMerci · 10/04/2010 18:41

Please call the police.

bloss · 10/04/2010 18:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 18:47

the older two kids were at the their mates and little ds was with me when it happened ,he said if i want him to leave then he will go when we have had a chance to talk about it and i spose he will want the holiday money back which im not going to give him. im think he wont go unless i give it to him
i did say i would call the police if he smashed the place up.

OP posts:
Fliight · 10/04/2010 18:48

I think the DV people at the police can offer lock changing services, probably free of charge.

This behaviour is HIS problem, he has caused it, he can sort himself out before he sets foot in the house again.

The ONLY win situation is to keep him out. Either he will change (unlikely but you never know) or he won't, and you'll be safe (plus oyur kids) but either way, if you let him in again he will escalate.

Fliight · 10/04/2010 18:50

Call them now

if you have to, give him the dosh, to make him go, but call them FIRST.

They can decide how best to handle it - they have experience and are experts on this stuff.

We're not experts though some of us have experience.

PLEASE call them, they are THERE for these situations. It'll be OK.

WhyMeWhyNot · 10/04/2010 18:53

It doesn't matter how little money you have, the thought that no-one but you
is able to spend it is so liberating.

I left my husband after years of his gambling. He'd borrow to clear credit cards, then borrow on cards again up to the max. Always increasing the overdraft and drawing out the last of our money just as I was doing essential food shopping that I couldn't pay for.

We live apart now, separate finances, but see each other often because of the children and get on really well. He's still gambling, his kitchen looks more like a bookies with all the slips laid out, but it doesn't affect me any more.
Be strong, you can do it too.

bibbitybobbityhat · 10/04/2010 18:53

Give him the holiday money and be rid of him.

GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 18:55

So not only did he choose fruit machines over his family today (and the last 13 years) but he also became very violent, even his DS being there did not stop him

You know what you have to do. Ask him to leave and get himself some serious help for his issues.

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 18:57

i know but i literally have hardly any food in the house - my weekly shop is tomorrow - i need the money to bridge me until i can get some benefits sorted out - anyone know how long it takes? what will i be entitled to ?
he says he wants the money so he can go back to his own country to be with his family - he called from work and says he doesnt feel well - im like am i bothered !! wtf does he want me to say.
i said to him you chose to sit there at the fruit machine when your children were outside and wanting you to take them to the park - how could you !!

OP posts:
BrokenBananaTantrum · 10/04/2010 18:58

Candy - have you managed to get in touch with anyone who can helpyou in RL? What time is he due back from work?

Ellielou02 · 10/04/2010 19:00

oh candy sorry you are going through this, I posted on another thread of your this week under a different name, and you really are going through it just now, I have no practical advice but just want to offer support.

moondog · 10/04/2010 19:00

Sorry, but why would you or should you give him the money?
He earns doesn't he and you don't so bloody hell, you need it to feed your kids if necessary, not giver it to ihm to fritter again.

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 19:03

i havent called anyone to be honest they are fed up with the same old shite - they told me to get rid of him so many times and of course they were right
he is due back around midnight
maybe i should call him at work ............. but i dont know what i can say

OP posts:
LIZS · 10/04/2010 19:03

Don't give it to him - he'll only come back for more. He works and has a duty to support his kids if not you. He has a problem regardless of whether he gambles constantly or occasionally - it controls him and his behaviour and that impacts on you.

maduggar · 10/04/2010 19:06

He doesnt want the money to return home - he will be itching to gamble it. My ex was teh same, saying he needed it, only to gamble it. They convince themselves that if only they could do one more gamble, they KNOW that they will win, and everyone will be happy & everything will be right with the world. Please do not give it to him, you & teh kids need to eat more than he needs to gamble.

Please phone the police.

skymoo · 10/04/2010 19:06

call the police and at least get this logged. They will give you a reference number, and if you do need to call them if things kick off big time, they will have everything on record.

Fliight · 10/04/2010 19:07

That's true he'll gamble it and come back for more.

Do you mean the police have told you to ditch him a few times? If so there's nothing us lot can say really is there.

are you going to wait till he atcually hits you?

Ukelegirl · 10/04/2010 19:07

Hi Candy
Another stay strong message here
Dont give him any money - he will just gamble it again
Dont believe his lies
Call womens Aid for advice

You can do it!
All the best to you
You are worth better

BrokenBananaTantrum · 10/04/2010 19:08

Candy if you are afraid of what he is going to do when he gets home call someone who can come round it dosen't matter that they have heard it all before you need them and they will help you. If not then perhaps you should conact your local police. You have done nothing wrong and right now you need some support. Is there somewhere you could go with the kids?

Sessypoos · 10/04/2010 19:08

have you called the police and had the door + locks fixed?

for those with joint accounts, you could cancel the cards if hes gone out on a binge.

Original poster
candyfluff · 10/04/2010 19:09

no not the police i mean my family and friends - what can the police do - i dont see why that would help

OP posts:
maduggar · 10/04/2010 19:11

They can contact him at work and give him a warning .. they can keep a record of this voilence towards you ... they can advise you what to do to protect yourself?

Fliight · 10/04/2010 19:12

Loads. They can do loads.

You are struggling with the situation and they will have many of the answers, be on your side, and protect you.

They will have a word with him and get him to leave you alone.
They will sort the locks.

They can do loads.
Much more than posting on MN can do, tbh.

They are set up to help you, and you just need to accept it, because nobody can make you leave this arsehole and nobody will - it's up to you, it's your call.

SirBoobAlot · 10/04/2010 19:15

If you are honestly that frightened, call the police like people have suggested above, and see if there is somewhere else you can stay, if only for tonight, and do not tell him where you are. Take the money with you.

As much as you say your family and friends are fed up - explain to them the situation, that you want this sorted out, but you can't do it alone. Anyone who cares about you will help in any way they can, I am sure.

Please - MN is great and I really hope you keep posting and talking about this, but you need someone in RL to support you and help you at this moment in time.

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