im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

[candyfluff]

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

[moviegirl]

hope all is well candy fluff - been searching for your thread.

hope you and DC have been enjoying the sunshine

[BertieBotts]

Candyfluff, how are things going?

[Saffysmum]

Funnily enough, I was going to suggest what CloudBusting says - tell the council about everything, and see if they will rehouse you and the kids, I know you don't want to move, but it would be a fresh start. Keep strong.

[CloudBustingForFelix]

Oops you and your, not your and your.

Brain has already disappeared today

[CloudBustingForFelix]

Hi Candy

Just wanted to say a big well done for sticking to your guns, I know how difficult all of this is for your and your little ones. Please, please do not give in to any emotional blackmail from him. He is a grown man and more than capable of sorting himself out. If he had any intention of stopping gambling and sharing his earnings with you properly, you wouldn't be here in the first place. Continue to put you and your children first, you desserve it.

If he won't sign over the tenancy to you, speak to the council again about rehousing you, they have two months to get it sorted then, keep asking for help, involve womens aid too, you could argue financial abuse if he has been controlling all finances coming in.

I don't have much more to add to the super advice the others are giving you, but am still doing my cheerleading bit. I am sending the be strong vibes down to you. Don't give in, it will get better. Hope you and your dc have a lovely weekend.

[thumbwitch]

tiredness and stress and just possibly a part of you is slightly unsure of what you're doing (see your previous couple of posts) and that is coming out in your speech.

BUT! Your uncertainty will pass as things improve for you and your DC; and your stutter will go away.

You might notice your hairloss increases a bit as well - that would be due to stress.

[Doha]

Oh l would think stress has a big part to play inthis and no doubt you have had an interupted sleep pattern which won;t help either.

Be kind to yourself over the next few days try and rest a bit and l am sure all will be fine

[candyfluff]

another question i wanted to ask - ive noticed that i have started to have a bit pf a stutter - has never happened before - do you think it could be stress causing it ? - i get half way through a word then start over ??

[thumbwitch]

That's good news candy, well done! hope you get some good sleep and have a good weekend - then on Monday you can get back to working out how to keep him out of the house for good.

[Doha]

Well done Candy have been thinking about you.

Today is a new start for you and your DC's.

[candyfluff]

hi everyone - i went to my appointment !! yay me
al sorted dh has moved in with some mates ,very tired and feeling more positive

[FlyMeToDunoon]

Good morning candyfluff.
You got lots of good advice and support. Take strength from all of them and have a fabulous day starting your new life!

[countingto10]

Candyfluff, hope you are feeling stronger this morning. Do not let this man back atm, if he loves you and the DC enough he will sort himself out away from you. Addicts are very good if not the best manipulators.

Have a look at co-dependency on the internet and there was a co-dependency support thread started a while back - have a look at that.

And try this book

Do not let him back today - you both need time away from each other to sort yourselves out.

I have been there and know how it feels. If you let him back now, you will go through this all again in a few weeks/months etc.

[BertieBotts]

Candy, I know it is hard, but you CAN do it, you CAN stay strong. You have been so strong already. We are all proud of you.

Yes the children are stressed and hurting now, but it is NOTHING compared to the stress and hurt that would have been caused had you continued to let him treat you the way he has done. You are doing the right thing, they will thank you later (child of divorce talking here ) Please try not to drag them into discussions and decision making etc - you can explain to them later, but decisions like this are hard enough for us to make, it is too much to expect from your children to be able to process it. However it's done now - move on, don't involve them in any more discussions and forgive yourself for this temporary upset in their lives, because I promise you, it will be worth it when you look back in a year's time, maybe even sooner. And remember that the best thing you can do in their interests now is keep strong and stick to arrangements, going back on anything is just dragging it all out, because this is all inevitable, it has to happen some time.

Remember you are not responsible for him any more, and most importantly, you are NOT responsible for his emotional wellbeing. If he ends up on the streets (it is very very unlikely that he will, BTW, whatever he tells you) - it is NOT your problem. I know it sounds hard but you simply can't afford him the emotional resources. You are stretched to breaking point dealing with your own and the kids' as it is. Don't allow him to bring you down.

You are so close - so close to getting a new life for you and your DCs. Focus on that life, free from money worries, free from worrying about him, what he is doing, where he is, free from fear. You deserve that life, and it is waiting for you. Hold on. We are all rooting for you! (((((Big hugs)))))

[thumbwitch]

Very good point, Colditz.

[colditz]

DO not make your chil,dren decide. Whatever they decide will turn out wrong on some level and then they will think it's ALL THEIR FAULT that mum and dad split up.

Stop being dithery and be the grown up. You can't make them do it for you, it's not right. They need to be able to blame him and to blame you - NOT themselves.

[thumbwitch]

Candy, I know you are (or at least should be) in bed by now but hope you will read this in the morning.

lucky1979 has said it really - but I want to say it again too.

STAY STRONG! If you give in now, he will assume he has "won" and that he now has the right to go back to his old ways and that you will never have the strength to cross him again.

Your DC will NOT thank you for this in the long run - they will still have to live with a father who cares more about his addiction than his family and who gambles away all the money.

If he really wanted to make things right, if he really wanted to show willing he would:

1. start GA now, not "only if you take him back" (i.e. if you take me back then I won't really need to because I am where I want to be)
   
2. transfer his wages into your account NOW not "I'll do it, yes I will" - see how that worked out re. the tenancy agreement
   
3. pay for his own bloody B&B! They hardly cost the earth - but perhaps he is spending his money on "other things"?
   
   This man is emotionally manipulating you. He is using the kids as weapons in this battle. This is BAD. He is trying to undermine you as an individual by stopping you going for your interview.
   
   GO to the interview - how is he going to stop you, short of imprisoning you? Take control of your life and your situation - only you can do it (sorry) but once you have done it, you will feel so much better!
   
   

[lucky1979]

He's manipulating you and trying to force your hand. As soon as you let him in it WILL go back to the same old status quo, except now he knows he can call your bluff and you won't go through with it.

Fundementally, nothing has changed. He's still an addict, even if he is an addict who has had a shock. Until he has dealt with that, he can't change. I know it's horrible for your kids now, but think how much more unsettling it will be if he comes back, gambles again and you go through the whole cycle again and again.

Don't cancel your appointment, don't just give in to him. You've been so strong, you can do anything you set your mind to. xxx

[Doha]

night Candy

try and have a sleep.

You know what you have to do.

Doha and Tanga will be kicking your arse down to that appointment tomorrow

[candyfluff]

thing is i know your all right but its just so hard


im so tired have to get some sleep now
night all xx

[Doha]

Oh Candy

you are not selfish, no one on here would ever call you that.

You are putting your DC's and yourself first just like DH had his choice and put Gambling first.

He is messing with your head tonight.Are you sure about the B&B was only for 2 weeks, seems a bit convenient / coincidence that he has to leave tomorrow. he could just be selling you a line to prevent you going to your appointment tomorrow.

At this stage l would not be trusting what he says at all. Go tomorrow and tell him 2 months means 2 months

[Tanga]

And there are other B&B's, you know.

[Tanga]

Do you want a kick up the arse? (Sometimes I know that's what I need)

Please don't drag the kids into this - far too much responsibility for little people.

If he genuinely wants what is best for you and the kids he would not want you to cancel that appointment. If he was serious about tackling his gambling problem and recognised the hurt it had caused he would not be asking you to take him back - just for a chance to prove to you he could change without risk to yourself.

You are not weak, you are compassionate. But you have given him a lot of chances, and yourself hardly any. For the stability and financial security of your children you on your own would seem to be a 'sure thing'. He is an outsider. Seems to me he's not the only person with a gambling problem.

[candyfluff]

its just so so hard - i just want someone to do it all for me - i feel helpless and like im putting the kids through this for my own selfish reasons

[Doha]

No no no don't do it

He needs to get himself sorted out away from you and the DC's and therefore prove to you that he is committed too change.

Candy please re read your thread--you will see how far you have come, don't back down now.

It was probobly a bit unfair to ask your kids what to do but l can understand why you did.

You don't love him. Don't take him back for the kids. You will be miserable and be sacrificing you own happiness DS needs come professional help but he will get through this rough patch.
What example will you be showing to your DD1 if you back down so easily.

I don't mean to be harsh but your answer tomorrow has to be no for everyones sake-even your DH