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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:
Original poster
candyfluff · 14/04/2010 17:31

hehe fab idea

OP posts:
CloudBustingForFelix · 14/04/2010 21:00

hiya, I'm really pleased that you spoke with women's aid, they really are fabulous. Do keep going back to them for any support you need, sounds as if you are coping really well.

wishing you and your little ones all the best

Original poster
candyfluff · 14/04/2010 21:05

thankyou
i have spoken to the doctors in charge of dh at the place he is at and they wanted to know some background as he wasnt saying too much - i told her everything and they said they would decide on what treatment and so on to give him .
when i spaek to him next i will ask him if he is willing to sign a letter to say that he will take his name off the tenancy.
will speak to his workplace and ask them if they will take him a bag as he has no possesions at the momnet coz he left them in london

OP posts:
Summersoon · 14/04/2010 21:54

Hi, have read entire thread off and on but regarding your last post, I would say: do not ask your husband's workplace to take him a bag - it is really not their problem at all - and I think that it could contribute significantly to him losing his job there. I am sure that you don't want that, whatever your feelings about him.
Personally I would just take the bag yourself and use the opportunity to talk to him - after all, he is your husband, you have children together and, even if there is no future for the relationship, you owe each other something.
If you really can't bear to do that, I would ask a friend of his (first choice) or lean one of your friends (second choice).
I don't know whether you are right to split from him or not - I know everyone else on here seems to think you are but then again, I don't recall ever reading a thread on this section which didn't recommend that the person who posted "get rid". People seem very ready to recommend abandoning relationships. However that may be, I think that, even if you do split, you will have to see your husband from time to time as he will have access rights to your children. Therefore my recommendation would be different from what most people on here have written: I would be a little less tough - don't take him back if you really don't want to, but go and visit him in the hospital, talk to him etc. The sooner you do, the less risk of building up resentment in my view.
I hope that things work out for you and your family.

thumbwitch · 15/04/2010 00:09

Summersoon, no one here is suggesting that candy lose all contact with her DH.

What we are all saying is that she needs to protect herself and her family from someone who puts his love of gambling above his love for the family; and who would happily run his family into massive debt without a care. As he obviously has an addiction, being all nicey nicey is not the way to help him see the reality of his behavour.

He is not going to have issues with resentment - he wants to be able to come back to his family and carry on as if nothing has happened; candyfluff has to make sure that does not happen and that she only takes him back IF and WHEN he has seriously addressed the addiction that he currently doesn't even acknowledge.

Summersoon · 15/04/2010 08:58

Agree with that but would reiterate strong recommendation not to get his work involved as it would massively weaken his position there.

Saffysmum · 15/04/2010 09:15

I agree strongly with Summersoon - please don't get work involved with taking the bag. How about writing him a letter, telling him that you need space to sort everything out, and in order for you two to have any sort of future, you need time apart, and he needs to address his addiction - this means counselling/therapy? You could say that in order for you to have any future, he must do this - and you must have space - so can he sign the tenancy over for now, so that you can both take the time needed to decide what to do. Stick this letter with a bag of his stuff, and drop it in to the hospital reception, you don't need to see him. This doesn't need to be all or nothing Candy - you have more than the two choices of him leaving forever, and him coming back: you have the choice of taking time - letting the dust settle and seeing how determined he is to get well again, and conquer his addiction. The space will give you time to get strong, and really think about what you want.
Good luck.

GladioliBuckets · 15/04/2010 09:27

Does the man not have any friends of his own?

When you speak to him, keep using positive phrases like 'freeing' him from the tenancy to 'start his life again,' 'wipe the slate clean,' 'opportunity,' 'new life.'

Original poster
candyfluff · 15/04/2010 11:01

this is just bullshit - he is being dicharged today so any moment he will be here and legally i have to let him stay here - im so fucking pissed off - i think i will end up hitting him then i will be arrested
shit shit shit

i spoke to his doctor who said they ahd found no signs of depression - so the mother fucking bastard was making it up
and no he hasnt got any friends at all just people he works with.
he says he's going back to work and that he will sleep downstairs ,ive told the kids and dd is really upset she doesnt want him comin back here
what can i do - nothing!!!!!!!!
trying to call council all morning they are engaged and the citizens advice never answer the bloody phone

OP posts:
Original poster
candyfluff · 15/04/2010 11:04

he siad all the people at work love him and they are all begging him to come back to work this man is deluded,the atmoshpere is the house will be awful - i really dont think i can cope with it - the council dont have to rehouse him as he isnt homeless and he hasnt done anything wrong
help
help
help

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/04/2010 11:09

Can you ring the police now (non emergency line) or Womens Aid, say you feel under threat and ask for advice. Or get family/friend to come over ? Sorry but I think noone on MN can help further atm , you need ot speak to peopel in RL. If work colleagues like him so much perhaps they would offer a bed ?

Original poster
candyfluff · 15/04/2010 11:12

theres nothing i can do - he didnt hit me he is not mentally unstable what reason can i give for not wanting him here - im fucked

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 15/04/2010 11:13

Candy - I really feel for you. You have the hospital to back you up in a way, because you can tell him that he isn't depressed, so he is able to confront his gambling, and take steps to sort it. Do you have anywhere you can go? I know it's your home, but I understand that you feel so angry right now, that him walking in could be a complete nightmare for you. You mentioned a sister, I think? Could she or another family member or a friend put you and the kids up for a few days? And yes, phone the police, Woman's Aid...and get RL people involved. We are here to support you, but obviously, you need real help now.

Hugs.

LIZS · 15/04/2010 11:16

You can ask for advice and support - he was abusive and threatening whether he is currently or not. Try a Gamblers support group too. If he comes back you can't claim benefits either so will need to cancel your claims. You really need to get practical help yourself now rather than just post here.

Original poster
candyfluff · 15/04/2010 11:19

no way im leaving this house - i dont trust him - he could smash the place up or anything,im never the leaving the kids with him either.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 15/04/2010 11:41

Phone the police NOW and Woman's Aid and tell them that you won't feel safe if he returns, and that you're frightened that if you leave, he'll smash the place up. Can a friend/family member move in with you for a few days instead?

countingto10 · 15/04/2010 11:43

Candyfluff I had this problem with my exH who was alcoholic. I couldn't get him out of the house as we jointly owned it and he was violent (but when drunk he fell against me and flattened me up against a wall and | was scared he would do this to my 18 month old). The council couldn't help at all but were prepared to give me money as a deposit for privately rented accommodation as they recognised it was a bad environment.

I had to be very artful in the end and I am sure most people wouldn't agree with what I did but when he came back home after a spell in a MH unit (which was useless (he had threatened suicide too)), I convinced him that I would give the marriage a go on two conditions, he had to leave immediately and go anywhere (I actually booked him into a B&B) and he got help with him addiction. I had no intention of giving the marriage a go but I had to get him out of the house so he was no longer my problem. Obviously once he was out of the house, I suggested that he get his own place (nice and sweetly, to help with us getting the marriage back on track etc) he agreed to this as couldn't stay in B&B forever and then I proceeded to suggest a separation agreement(not divorce as that would have sent him back to the bottle). He was a pain in the neck for the following six years but no longer have any contact and hasn't seen his DS for 11 years so you can tell what sort of person he was.

Sometimes you have to think out of the box here - if he turns violent just call the police.

Good luck.

countingto10 · 15/04/2010 11:44

Meant he wasn't violent

orangehead · 15/04/2010 12:03

Hi, I have only just thread this thread. I agree you need to ring the police and inform them he broke the lock on the door, threated to smash up the house, man handled you, scared the children and you feel unsafe if he comes back.
I think you are being very strong and are doing the right thing.
My ex husband had gambling problems as well as being a cheat and a compulsive liar. He also threatened to kill himself, although this was a couple of years after he left when he broke up with the girl he left me for an he realised I was getting my life together. It is horrible what you are going through, but the things you achieve that you never you could are worth it. Just look at how stong you are being . I was on such a high when a few years down the line the bank told me I had a near perfect credit rating, I know it doesnt sound a lot but to do that beng a single mum after all the debt he had put me in, it really felt amazing.
You just need to concetrate on you and the children now.
On piece of advice I would give myself if I could go back in time, is to report incidents to the police. I didnt and felt it was just part and parcel and arguing and getting divorced. But no one should threaten you, manhandle you and scare you and your children. Not reporting things really does make things harder in the long run as it just ends up as your word against his.

Saffysmum · 15/04/2010 12:29

Countingto10 - I think being artful is the only way in a situation like this - you did the right thing. Candy - could something like Countingto10 did be a possibility for you? Like I said earlier, it doesn't have to be having him back or not - it can be about trying to get him to understand that things need to change, and if they go on as they are, you will seperate permenantly. If you can persuade him to leave for a while - then see how you feel, this might give you the space you need to really decide for good what you want.

Original poster
candyfluff · 15/04/2010 13:17

have made an appointment to see a solicitor on wednesday - the earliest they could see me as i cant pay.
he's still not back - the loo has been de -turded so im planning to go out - i dont care if he cant get in - he will have to wait until i come back -planning to call the police if he starts

OP posts:
GladioliBuckets · 15/04/2010 14:07

Do the change of tenancy letter ASAP so you can whip it out at any time. Be ready to take advantage if he acts nice, don't feel guilty about doing whatever you can to get him to sign it. You and your kids deserve to feel safe.

ILiveinhope · 15/04/2010 22:18

Well done, I am really chuffed that you are staying strong about this.

Agree with Gladioli, get the cot done asap

triffictits · 16/04/2010 11:43

are you ok candy? Did he come home yesterday?

Hope things are ok and you are staying strong.

onadietcokebreak · 16/04/2010 13:38

If he comes back you can't claim benefits either so will need to cancel your claims. You really need to get practical help yourself now rather than just post here.

Sorry this is wrong. Candyfluff can claim benefits even if she ends up living in the same household as the man she is seperated from . A interview will be done and a decision made but if she is eating, cooking, shopping etc seperately she will be okay to claim.