im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

[candyfluff]

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

have called the benfits people - they advised to write a letter that will put the rent/council benefits on hold and ive been advised to still attend the income support interveiw and tell them whats happening - he is being really difficult - begging me to change my mind,

Another bit of practical advise, if you have joint bank accounts, or credit cards, this is the time to cancel them. You don't want him to run into debt and left you to pick the pieces again.

we have had separate accounts since the bankrupcy went through.
he is still going on about me changing my mind i wont though too late - he got me expensive flowers and choc's hmmmm like that will help

have you managed to get benefits sorted out yet?

where is he at the moment.

You have had a traumatic week but have done fantastically well to be so strong - your DC's must be so proud of their mummy.

Keep strong - a year down the line and you wont be looking back - you will have a fab new life

Hugs

its so hard to post right now as he keeps walking past checking what im doing had to inform the benefits people that he is here not sure what their decision will be - he is saying he will go soon but dont know when

he doesnt have any plans to see the dc though after he leaves which is lovely

hi candy sorry i've not been on for a bit. It sounds really difficult but you can get through this.

How have DC's reacted to his "return" I hope they are OK.

Stay focused on what you want and keep working towards it. I know you can do this.

Take care. X

from what i can gather he is planning to leave his job and work somewhere he can live in therefore he wont have to afford a house /flat - and it means he wont be able to have the kids for weekends and stuff- the way i see it its him missing out not me .
kids are ok at the moment - we are speaking no arguments. he is still saying he loves me and he always will but i dont care ,he told his family yesterday and do you know what their reaction was - come home and we will find you a new wife - hmmm so thats nice.
going to the job centre on tuesday for my interveiw and will tell them about whats going on - i think i understand that until he actually leaves he has to pay the household expenses???
does any of you know what the going rate is for income support ?
he keeps telling me how poor we will be and making it sound dire so i will change my mind
telling me the kids will suffer for my decision

You'll be in control of the money, though - no one will be throwing it away for you. You won't starve and you can move on.

Candyfluff.

Hes trying to control you.

Income Support is £64 per week, plus CTC, CHB and housing benefit.

When you go to JC you need to ensure they know the whole situation...you will prob have someone come out and see you.

Make sure they know that you seperated due to his gambling, he went to London, he was admitted to hospital and the circumstances and you took advice and was told you have to let him return to house.

It would also help if you made a housing application to go on housing register ( I know you dont want to move but it will show you are taking steps to resolve this)

Ensure they know that you have a solictors appt on Wendnesday.

Household bills should be split 50/50 at the mo. If he pays all then he could be seen as supporting you. Groceries/cooking and laundry are all seperate.

They are not allowed to ask about the sleeping arrangments but can record information volunteered.

You need to ensure they realise that this is short term and that you are actively doing things to resolve situation.

£64 a week is that all my god - im shocked really i spend around £90 on food shopping a week- then there will be all the utility's to pay for
water
gas /electric
insurances
phone/internet(although our broadband is free with our phone line)
school stuff - uniform etc
erm what else ??
i cant think straight
one good thing is i dont owe anyone any money due to being bankrupt.i have to be greatfull for that.
what if they do suffer and blame me for it
dh keeps saying it was me who broke the marriage up - i said would you like your dd to be treated the same way you treated me ??? he said he would never advise his dd to split its not good for the kids
i said this isnt an easy decision for me either - its not fun im not enjoying it
he has asked me for a cuddle and if he can sleep in my bed - i said no to both - he is deluded

Candyfluff dont panic thats just the Income support...you get CTC of £80-90 per week on top! Plus CHB.

How old are your DCS?
I manage on benefits now and I am BR also.

dc are 11 ,9 and 3

You will also get healthy start vouchers worth £3.10 for your 3 year old. Pays for my milk each week.

Have a look at entitledto.com website for figures xx

Are you working Candyfluff? tax credits give more than that provided you work at least 16 hrs a week. Living in benefits it's not easy, but neither it is living with a gambler. You need to decide what is better for you and your children, but whatever choice you take, please remember neither is permanent, you don't need to be in benefits for the rest of your life, neither to stay with a person you no longer like.

hi candy - have just read whole thread and i think you are very strong, admirably so even if you don't feel like it right now.

you will get by on the IS/ctc/cb/hb/etc etc. when the decision has been made that you will recieve the benefits you could also apply for a crisis loan if he has left you with nothing.

as with ithers i do think you should log this all with the police as the crime ref numbers might help with forcing him off the tennancy in the future if necessary.

if you need a comeback to him after he bangs on about it not being good for the kids, tell him this sitaution is much worse but you will separate, he must work things out with himself but in the future when he is more responsible that you will allow reasonable access etc, albeit on your terms.

also re reporting to police - if you do decide to leave your property it will help with proving to the housing office that you are 'unintentionally homeless' - understand you don't want that course of action but worth bearing in mind should you need it.

re him being rehoused. unfortuantely he doesn't have a hope as he would be way down the list of priority families/individuals. but...he might (if he's not had it before) be eligable for a deposit guarantee scheme to help him get a private tennancy (unless he earns a lot - then he won't be)

wishing you strength x

You can do it Candyfluff, hang on in there.

If he can't get a job with tied accommodation, his best bet would be renting a room in a shared private house with other singles.

You are Council tenants, yes? Bear in mind the rent arrears system is incredibly looooong and you would not be evicted without many many letters and court appearance. If you do have a financial crisis when he leaves, you will have a roof as long as you keep in touch with housing officer and pay at least £5 a week til you can increase it. Council tax, on the other hand, is a beast with teeth so try not to slip behind with that.

shall i tell the jod centre that i sell a little bit on ebay ?

Candyfluff....dont complicate things you have enough complications already.

Its the odd thing here and there. Dont worry!

so ive got my interview with the job centre tomorrow and im crapping myself to be honest - dont know what to tell them how they will react - i think they will say that as long as he lives here he has to provide for us - dh is still undecided on what he will do - he has a meeting with his manager tomorrow to discuss his options - maybe to transfer to another branch
dh is asking me if we can just do a temporary split and after a few months see how we feel - i have told him i dont want to give him false hope and that its unlikely i will change my mind - i really dont know what to do for the best
is an interveiw at the job centre normal for everyone who makes a claim for income support ??

YEs, is normal, everyone has to go through it. So don't over worry, just say the truth, he is leaving but still needs to sort some things out before moving out.

As for him asking for a temporary split, if you are sure, just say yes, it will let him go kindly, but ask him to leave as a part of the deal. Things could get very nasty if he stays around once you are determined you don't want him around.

yes he is going to leave but he still thinks i will just fall back in love with him maybe its kinder to just agree to a temporary split - but he knows that there might not be a reconciliation.

It is also a good excuse to get him out of the lease.

You could say because he's wiped out all your trust, if there's any chance of a reconciliation you have to have the tenancy in your name.

so went to the job centre yesterday - went well just had to sign my claim and then chat to a lady about it all - they said they might send someone out to check we are living separatly,dh has spoken with his manager who are wiling to pay for his accomodation for the next 2 months so hopefully he will be leaving asap
he still thinks it will all just go away and i will fall back in love with him
not possible as far as im concerned.
so just waiting on the decision of the council and the income support people.