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Original poster

What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

421 replies

RedishBlonde · 27/03/2010 04:44

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

OP posts:
SilveryMoon · 27/03/2010 05:59

I have been the mistress a few times.
For me, it was all about self-esteem issues and a lack of respect for myself and others.
If I went for men I knew I could never actually have, I wouldn't get hurt (crazy theory)
Plus there's the thrill of a secret life and the challenge of getting him to pick you over his wife even for just an hour.

partytime · 27/03/2010 08:19

My ex H had a secret life for 3 years, picked OW over me and DC's, buggered off and I am picking up the pieces. How can it be a thrill knowingly destroying lives, hopes and dreams - what sort of a woman are you?

partytime · 27/03/2010 08:19

My ex H had a secret life for 3 years, picked OW over me and DC's, buggered off and I am picking up the pieces. How can it be a thrill knowingly destroying lives, hopes and dreams - what sort of a woman are you?

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 08:29

somewomen are very angry with their mothers, and will project this (usually unconsciously) onot the wife of the man they are seeing.
It's not right but it explains it. The 'thrill' is probably a sense of catharsis at finally punishing their mother for - I dunno, whatever it is, in some cases standing between them and their father having a good relationship.

Some women also fully believe the man when he says he loves them and wants to be with them, but is 'trapped'. It sounds stupid and yes it might be, but often the man actually believes it himself also, so it becomes a twisted sort of rebellion I guess against people whose motives are anything but repressive towards the couple having the affair...indeed they are usually blissfully unaware of it!

Some men are psychologically damaged and can leave totally comartmentalised lives, even for years - they have grown up somehow shifted in their attachments - for instance going to boarding school at a very young age can mean huge issues, anger at rejection by parents, attachment in two places - punishing parents, punishing school, divided loyalties.

Often as I said they are unaware of it as it's too painful and deep set to look at, let alone change - thus they do it again and again, which is one comfort to those of us bereft of a cheating man. He's definitely going to cheat on the next one too - maybe eventually he will get to a point where he stops, but it usually takes many years and either OW puts up with it or he moves on over and over again.

MarshaBrady · 27/03/2010 08:31

I know someone who fell in love with mm at work, tried to abstain and of course didn't. He had an affair, the only thing she could think about was how to get him to be with her, she did't think of the wife at all. She probably secretly felt quite proud that she could get a husband who was already married.

Not a serial mistress, but someone who clearly wanted the husband.

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 08:41

yes often the wife doesn't appear to come into it, but there does need to be disregard at least of her feelings,

think of it as someone promising you something - say a dress that you liked, that they didn't fit any more. They give you it but then it goes missing and you find they have promised it to someone else as well.

Does that make the second person bad, to take it? I think it's a grey area. They are only accepting what they have been offered, but if they know it was offered to you first, it's a bit weird and you wouldn't really do that would you. Unless the person making the promises has convinced them that you know about it and are OK with it, or will be as soon as they have the courage to do it...

Also some OWs really, really love the bloke and aren't into the whole affair thing really, they just are incredibly frustrated with him and want him to be honest, leave wife, make it all above board - and he fails to again and again. Which sadly means he is probably still attached to wife and never will leave. They say to give it 9 months, and after that walk away if he hasn't done the 'honourable' thing.

Bonsoir · 27/03/2010 08:48

LucyM6 - you write as if affairs never ended in divorce. But lots do - I am literally surrounded by blended families. So of course plenty of OW believe, based on the evidence they see around them, that a MM will leave his wife for them.

And I don't think a woman who has an affair with a married man necessarily has any kind of complicated emotional or psychological baggage - she is just single and husband-hunting.

SuSylvester · 27/03/2010 08:49

being a sad lonley fucker who cant get what she wants?

farmerjones · 27/03/2010 08:51

get all the fun, without the crap?:
no dirty socks or dirty laundry to do:
no kids to bear
etc etc etc
cant think of any negatives relly. this isnt victorian britain.

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 08:51

Bonsoir I'm not sure how I give that impression - of course many affairs end in divorce. I know that. What did I say that made you think otherwise?

SuSylvester · 27/03/2010 08:52

adn then they get all shirty when the ex wife rings to discuss THEIR Kids

my sissters ex hs new bitch puts the phone down.

lol

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 08:53

Not all OWs are the same

I think that's a given.

Bonsoir · 27/03/2010 08:55

Personally I think it is deeply weird for Wno1 to want to discuss her children with Wno1, and vice versa.

Bonsoir · 27/03/2010 08:55

Wno2, I mean.

SuSylvester · 27/03/2010 08:55

no no! god yes that would be odd
wiht the FATHER! haha
you can hear crashing in the background.

couldntbebetter · 27/03/2010 08:58

I'm not sure I buy all this deep-and-meaningful-pseudo-psycho-why-the-OW-does-it-crap.

Sometimes the simple answer is the right one: maybe they get all of the fun and none of the grief; maybe they just fall in love with someone who happens to already be married.

I don't think there is any such thing as the "motivations" of the OW. Affairs are as varried as the people that have them.

MuthaHubbard · 27/03/2010 08:59

agree with couldntbebetter.....exactly what i wanted to say

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 09:00

of course they are varied but there are usually motivations somewhere along the line, albeit ones nobody is aware of

you don't have to ook at them of course but OP seemed to be asking for insight into why, so thought I would offer some.

It's jmo
no need to call it crap though

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 09:01

for instance getting all the fun is a motive

falling in love is a motive

you contradict yourself.

Bonsoir · 27/03/2010 09:02

I don't think there are any more deep-and-meaningful motivations for wanting an already MM to wanting a single one. A legal contract is no barrier to love.

SuSylvester · 27/03/2010 09:04

lol

,violins>

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 09:05

I agree bonsoir but sometimes these situations are facilitated by ulterior motives, such as anger against own mother, wanting to prove superiority, etc etc

sometimes the woman gets a LOT of grief just by falling in love and becoming, unwittingly or unwillingly, the oW

it's not a great position to be in if you genuinely love the man

you tend to get a lot of the rap when it comes out and a horrible reputation, people assume stuff about you that isn't true

it's nasty. Not to say some don't deserve this because some undoubtedly court conflict

but others are nearly as much victims as the wife...notice I say nearly.

couldntbebetter · 27/03/2010 09:09

Lucy falling in love and getting all the fun may well be "motives" they are not however the deep-and-meaningful-pseudo-psycho type motives which you seem convinced exist.

Some OW may hate their mothers, some OW may just enjoy screwing up other peoples lives I suspect for the vat majority it is something far more mundane, but to suggest that there is one overiding motive that can be ascribed to all OW is naive

LucyM6 · 27/03/2010 09:10

where have I suggested that?

SilveryMoon · 27/03/2010 09:44

partytime My reply has nothing to do with the sort of woman I am but more the girl I was.
I am very sorry your husband left for his mistress, I really am.
We all have our reasons for acting the way that we do, like I said mine were mostly due to self-esteem and I believed i deserved no more than being the other woman.
But, the affairs I've had were never on my own.
All the blame for family break-ups can not be laid at the feet of one half of the two people that make a decision to live that kind of life.
I hope I have not upset you further, but i wanted to let you know, my reply to the OP was not intended to cause offense tgo anyone in particular. I can see how it would and I am not proud of some things I have done, but I cannot change them now.
The OP asked for reasons why people were happy to do it, and I answered why I was 'happy' to do what I did at the time.
Again, sorry.