What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

How many wives are really okay with it do you think? I mean if they have a fantastic lifestyle and have no inclination to leave their husbands but dont actually sleep with them anymore. Im just asking because I know someone who has many female lovers and would never say that his wife is ok with it but, after been married to him for 20 years, I can only think she must be.

P.s I was thinking more about wives married to really rich blokes you know, the ones where the husband gets outed in the papers. Are they ok with it for years if it doesnt mean they have to compromise their lifestyles?

How can you tolerate double standards TheArsenic? if he has had one lover surely you're allowed at least one other to even the score almost as consideration for allowing the marriage to continue couldn't you say - tough mate, if you've had at least one I will if I choose? or even say well I've had ten, put that in your pipe and smoke it - what's sauce for the goose etc. Surely sunny Jim you would know that if you cheat on your wife she will cheat on you or are you sexist as well as a liar?

Kittya - Not only those married to rich blokes but those partners who are bored/tired etc with sleeping with DP and don't mind or spend much time worrying whether DP discreetly sort themselves.

There's a lot of that about, I'm sure; the ones relieved of the burden of having to sleep with him and happy in a sense to turn a blind eye and contract out that awful sex stuff to someone else. Someone I know, but not biblically, who has a wife and a mistress, I am sure his wife must know as he was found out before. I suspect if they get found out once and the wife (or husband) takes them back some of them then take that to mean great I can get away with it as long as it's not thrust at her. As someone said above there' s a huge difference between people of 25 and 55 I am sure and probably older people get more tolerant. I don't think I've been cheated on and I don't want someone who does and as I said above I avoid married men and in fact if someone tells me he has serially cheated on his wife over 20 or 40 years as various people have told me that does put me off. I knew someone quite nice and it did and he has remarried and I don't think cheated since but may be I was too cautious but do leopards change their spots? Once an adulterer always one... warning to those who stole a man from another man posting on the thread above - he may well already be doing it to you, marrying the mistress creating the vacancy etc or perhaps even the new woman/OW realising she's married a lying cheat accepts she therefore has licence herself to cheat and gets on with that too. Who knows

Maybe I will tell my DD (and DS) not to allow her DP to have the power to make her unhappy by just the act of sleeping with someone else.... Take that power away and I wonder if it would have changed things for some of those who have been hurt in this way. I knew someone who does it more for the conquest which I think is hideous. I can more understand doing it because you are weak or just love sex but just for ego is hideous.

.... On the other hand it is a cynical view to impose on a young wide-eyed pup looking for the ideal.

TDiddy

Dont feel sad that you want to tell your dc - my dd in particular can now see that men do and can lie.

She asked me if i believed in love at first sight - oh she has a lot to learn about love.

I dont think she will ever see a married man as she has seen first hand what can happen. She has a very low opinion of ow and i think carries some 'hatred' for her. She has said she would like to face her and tell her what she thinks - she knows it will do no good too. I suppose it is just a 'clousure' thing for her iyswim.

I think my dc can see that love/marriage is not perfect but most problems can be solved somehow.

Happy - yes, wouldn't seriously impose cynical view on DCs but would let enjoy their wide eyed romance. But if their marriages got into trouble and I was counselling then I guess I would probably inject some old dog realism. I am sorry that you and DC have had a bad time with this.

And women too. This is not just a male issue (despite the differences there are between men and women www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/health/article7086189.ece)

I love having this sort of medical analysis to prove why boys will be boys. The Times is very good at this. . But seriously, we should all chill out a bit about sex, shouldn't we.

I really do think there are differences - i have 2 boys and 2 girls and can really see the differences - even though i dont think i have been that different with them.
Even as babies they were different.

Yes Tdiddy - it is only sex - i dont know why we get so upset/obsessed with it either.
I am medical though so do see things in a rather different light.

Actually my dc have not really had a bad time of it - better than living in a home where one parent is 'putting up' with the other.
I think they are certainly better at not judging too quickly - there is always 2 sides to every story.
They probaly wont make good lawyers though will they? .
Unlike many other families where certain subjects are just not mentioned - i hope my dc can ask me and my h anything.
But again i am sure we have given some therapist a lot of work in the future.

Happy- agree.

But as we said, if 25 year old is cheating the week after they got married then that is, perhaps, a bigger crime than someone who is 50 and having a last go before the twilight sets in, and whose DP is not too fussed.

TDiddy I think both of those scenarios are bad and inexcusable. You don't get a green light to cheat just because you want a last jolly before you're too old. Marriage is a lifetime commitment to one person. I would feel immensely betrayed in either of those situations, but at least in the first the one being cheated on is young enough to choose to start again without a cheat for a spouse. That said, I stick by what I said earlier, they are both inexcusable for the hurt they cause

I had an affair with a MM for about 3 years on and off. I was not the first OW and ai am quite sure I wasnt the last,

he was unhappy in his marriage and used infidelity as a way of forgetting his responsibilities.

I have no excuses. What I did was wrong. But i didn't ever try to break up his marriage, He was much older than me , with adult children, and I think (15 years later) I was looking for a father figure who accepted me as I was. My own father died more than 25 years ago and was distant critical and controlling.

I imagine he was looking for a bit of fun, the danger, the excitement of a Mistress 20 yeas younger than him.

Like I say, it was wrong, on many levels. But I never made any promises to his wife. I did not betray her. He did. and he made 80% of the running.

wrong, but I have forgiven myself.

I was essentially the OW - DP was married when we met but neither of us would do an affair so he ended it quickly. A year on life is perfect, we live together and I trust him 10000%. Sometimes you can't help love.

This is a messy topic I think, a messy situation no matter what side of it you are on. A while back I posted asking advice on whether I was wrong to encourage a friend to pursue her happiness (she met a guy which alot of our group disagreed with her seeing, he was going through a separation). At the end of the day I think that each situation is different. I dont believe for a second that every person who has an affair or every person who is involved with someone who is married or to all intents a purposes in a committed relationship with someone else is morally bankrupt or a bad person or a deviant or whatever other names some would attribute to them. I do think however that there are always people out there willing to take advantage of others. You sound very happy with your other half and I wish you great luck with him. Unfortunately there are others out there not so lucky as you. They have believed that the mm or mw they are dating is telling the truth and loves them and will leave when they can etc etc.

I dont believe in judging others. Its very easy to say you are deluded etc etc but unless you are in the middle of the situation you dont know for sure. Ive read mails from AnyFucker and Im quite frankly shocked. AF sounds very intelligent but very unhappy and bitter and giving an opinion which at times simply comes across as cruel. AF have you considered counselling?

I knew a woman who seemed to distrust other women, see them as competition, and was carrying lots of bitterness. She had a series of affairs with married men and I think she felt she was proving she was better than the wives because she needed to feel better about herself and maybe feel some sense of revenge about females from her past.

I knew another woman who had affairs and didn't feel she could get anything better than other men's extra bit of fun when they were feeling a bit bored. She put up with being treated really badly and being picked up and put down whenever the men felt like it.

I myself did things I shouldn't have done while I was married and with children. I was struggling with emotional issues and bad things happening in my life at the time and although this is my excuse I realise that it isn't good enough and I feel like scum for what I did. I was completely absorbed in my own stuff and couldn't see the long term consequences or how it might affect anyone else badly.

I just wanted the distraction from the bad things in my life, the excitement and the ego boost of someone new finding me attractive. My self esteem was low and no amount of 'love' would have been enough at the time, I couldn't get enough to make me feel better about myself and my life and I didn't get it at the time that what I was doing was never going to make me feel better long term.

So basically I did it because I felt crap about myself and my life. I didn't see this at the time so I was immature.

It was completely selfish. Anyone who pretends they are doing anyone else a favour by doing this sort of thing or that there is justification for it is kidding themselves because they can't face admitting they are being selfish.

I would like to feel less like scum for what I did but on the other hand I feel I deserve to. At least it has taught me more about what is right and wrong and why I don't want to put myself in any risky situation where it could happen again (letting another man get too close and not paying attention to boundaries).

@Ostrich

What a lovely post. Your honesty is most attractive and I'm glad you've realised your mistakes and moved on.

Thank you.

Im a blerk.

Ive known people have affairs. In 14 years ive never done it to Missus Fonz.

What I find a bit skanky about affairs is the narcissistic bit. People over thinking their own lives, self analysis, counselling, issues with X and Y, i'm depressed (ie: a narcissist 95% of the time) so you have some sexual friendship with someone. It's just so lame. And before we knew it..., I couldn't help myself etc etc. Really just weak people.

They are like people who can't handle their drugs, just wankers really.

Why not just go out and get a bit of cock at a nightclub, rag it stupid, never see it again. You get the thrills, the esteem, the cock...seems a lot less pathetic to me...

I've been the OW once.

Why? I didn't (and don't) believe in the automatic assumption that monogamy is the only way to conduct a relationship. I have consequently never demanded monogamy as a prerequisite of any relationship I've been in. When I had an affair with a married man I was very young and didn't understand what marriage or kids mean to people who do really believe in them (i.e his wife). I also believed at the time that it is possible to compartmentalise an affair so that what the other party doesn't know won't hurt them. He had had previous affairs which I knew about through the grapevine and was a charming serial womaniser. He was also a devoted dad who adored his kids. Consequently, when there were indications that his wife was suspicious and he made noises about "wanting to spend more time with me" I ended it. It's not something I'd do again for the following reasons:

1. If getting romantically involved with someone might jeopardise their relationship with their kids, it's completely unfair to their children to do so.

1. Being involved in a relationship with lies is really miserable. Doesn't matter if they're yours or the other party's - they tear people apart on some level, however subtle.

1. Being complicit in someone lying to someone else is unfair to that person.

However, the sheer volume of marital infidelities points to deceitful "monogamous" relationships - where everything appears to be above-board and people are lying to each other - being problematic. Therefore if I love someone I will ask them to be honest with me about any interest they might have in other people and negotiate it from there, but I won't demand monogamy, and expect the same in return. I appreciate that lots of people can't stomach this. I couldn't do it any other way - it would feel dishonest.

I think there are many people - maybe mostly male, maybe not - who have no real intention of remaining monogamous but pretend to be because anything else would be a dealbreaker for their partner, and there are plenty of reckless and irresponsible young men and women out there like 23yo me who are more than willing to shag them.

I got involved with a married man when I was 26. He was in fact separated from his wife and 2 young children and was living alone, not wearing wedding ring, dating etc.

We began what was essentially a fling, but became deeply emotionally entangled very quickly and he made lots of promises to divorce his wife and marry me. After a few months (I had moved in with him by this time) it became clear that was never going to happen and I realised I was a de facto mistress.

For two years I occupied a very odd position, in that his wife never met me, never acknowledged my existence and refused to allow the children to meet me, but his parents and siblings welcomed me into the family (they hoped he would divorce the wife and marry me as they'd never liked her).

I think being the mistress allowed me a proper 'label' - I wasn't wife, or girlfriend either really - and that, oddly, gave my position some cachet to boot. I think in a way I was the mistress for the whole family...I was a channel for their hopes that their son/brother would begin a happy, fulfilled relationship that he didn't have with his wife, although it never happened - I had to get out in the end.

I don't regret the 'affair' - it taught me a lot about people, emotions and life as an adult. I also remain proud of ending a relationship with someone I loved profoundly and who had me in thrall sexually in a way I've never experienced before or since. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.