What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

first post on here, I would have checked but thought I knew her name. Great.

It's an always-interesting topic, though, isn't it? Lucy, I've really enjoyed your posts to this thread and feel you're right - in that there must be underlying reasons why a woman would choose to subject herself to the complications of a relationship with a married man. It is not a helpful choice - compared with loving an available man, or with staying single. She must have some issues that lead her to eschew the helpful choices.

It's a difficult subject to discuss: it triggers knee-jerk (fear based?) reactions in so many women. I know this is slightly aside of the OP question but, FWIW, I don't believe the marriage certificate always ring-fences a relationship. There are abusive wives; there are wives who refuse to divorce; there are even chronically-ill wives who permit infidelity, and there are bigamist wives! Some marriages simply don't fit the rule-book and should be viewed differently.

In general, though, the unfaithful partner is the cheat: not the person s/he cheats with. So the OW is knowingly choosing a cheat.

As I don't believe in "one true love" for everybody, I have to conclude the OW carries some baggage: enough, anyway, to make her choose a cheat. I do know couples who met whilst one of them was married, and I know they'd disagree with me.
It's interesting.

Calm down LucyM6 I'm not a journalist or student and I'm not doing any research.

Jesus, can't a girl ask a question?

Thank You

The reason I'm so curious Lucy is because it seems there are a lot of these women out there. I've especially realised this since being on Mumsnet (alot of posts in regards to married men having or about to have affairs) like itsgrace, I've always wondered how the ow justifys her status - I'm interested in the conversation she must have with herself about the married man and deception she is involved in. I know of women that sleep with married men and I was cheated on for 4 years (and whilst pregnant) so it's not the first time I've pondered this. There almost certainly are issues from childhood involved (as in the case of my sister) I don't believe this is the situation with all ow, some I suspect are just competitive bitches that enjoy dangerous relationships.

This is my second post on Mn, I'm not usually this polite

That's all

I have always assumed that professional OWs have a lack of self esteem somewhere, even if they are kidding themselves otherwise, because they treat themselves and everyone else in the situation with such a lack of respect.

I think it's a little simplistic to suggest that all relationships that start while one or other party is still attached are doombed to failure and that once a cheat, always a cheat.

Also given around 60% of men and 40% of women cheat on their partners it means there must be an awful lot of lying cheating dishonourable scumbags in the world (around 50% of the population as it happens)

In an ideal world one relationship would always end before another started, but in reality sometimes it takes meeting someone else to realize what's missing in the relationship. And while it's not right, it happens.

My dh's aunt was an ow for around 40 years and even had a child with her mm. he wanted to leave his wife for her, but his wife threatened to kill herself and her children if he ever did (this was later confirmed by the children). Even when the wife died they never moved in together as they'd been like this for so long that they didn't want to change things. He's now deceased and she has a very close relationship with his children. Maybe it wasn't right, but I certainly don't think of him as a cheating tosser or her as a home-wrecking bitch.
And Cluttergoddess let's not forget that the only reason you can speak from the moral high-ground is because the man you wanted to cheat on your fiance with turned you down. otherwise you would have been up there with the lying cheating scumbags you are so quick to judge on this thread.

Ime ie with a sample of one, the fact that the mm was a cheat was not the issue. Everything; the wife, the children, society, were nothing but obstacles to their love and something the mm and ow could choose to work through together.

True about the simplification, but IMO, it is letting people off the hook to say its not their fault.
Say you meet someone, and you realise that whats wrong with your life, is your current relationship.
You then have a choice. You can cheat on your spouse, or you can do the honourable thing and end the first relationship before you start the second one. Or you can decide to settle for second best for other reasons, and stick with the first relathionship.
You don't HAVE to be a cheat.

Yes nighbynight, I think there has to be low self esteem.

I'm surprised at how naive, deluded and arrogant ow can seem. especially in regards to how the married man views them.

I recently read a comment on mn from a woman that admitted to an affair with a married man and how they (her and married man) would laugh and joke about the wife. I couldn't believe how arrogant this woman was to think she was "in on the joke" with the married man. I bet he had worse to say about her to his mates;if he could ridicule the woman he married what must he think about the woman he is only using for sex?

However, I do believe that some people having or that have had affairs are in love. But then I tend to think if it was love it would be more honest.

Interesting to see how this debate polarises along the lines of women who feel they "won" in the affair stakes like Bonsoir and MCDL, and women who "lost" and understand the pain.

I understand that a 'taken' man looks attractive by virtue of the fact that somebody has already decided he is worth marruing, but it's quite an emotionally immature way of looking at the world, I think.

There is a woman in my dh's office who has had affairs with two married men. One of them left the company because of her and repaired his relationship with his wife. Aparrently there is huge sympathy for this woman from her female friends though, branding this guy a bastard, when actually she knew he was married and still chose to have the affair. Thus she was equally to blame iyswim.

But what if the ow has an affair with the view to the mm divorcing his wife and starting a family with her. I very much doubt it is low self-esteem, and I bet the mm does the wife doesn't understand me bit and probably doesn't disrespect the ow. If they are in love that is.

Low self esteem my arse in many cases- more like a crashing sense of entitlement.

I can see the attraction of married men, just as I can see the attraction of rich men. What attracts me, is envy of the happy married life (or I imagine it to be happy, anyway).
But I would never dream of being an OW, as would feel too guilty, and common sense tells me that my feelings are just an illusion.

Yes it takes a certain amount of self absorption to ignore the fact of a wife and children.

copperjar - I didnt mean that as an excuse in any way. I think you can be selfish as well as not respecting yourself.

"there are a lot of these women out there"? Yep, and a lot of men joining in...

IMO, there's no more point wondering about the motivation of the OW than wondering why one child does one thing and one another. Everyone is an individual and acts accordingly.

Similarly, the men. There are so many reasons why these things happen.

I don't think generalising OW/OM/DW/DH is going to bring any great insight.

It will get everyone on MN going though!

To put it bluntly the person I know is very, very happy she has the ability to wrench a mm from his wife. It is a success if she does it and proves their love was stronger than anyone elses against all obstacles. Really not low self-esteem or self respect in all cases.

"You can cheat on your spouse, or you can do the honorable thing and end the first relationship before you start the second one."

Exactly, but I do wonder if it depends on the two people involved. If I fell for a married man and it came to light that he felt the same I would be very worried if he suggested/initiated an affair. That to me would show immediately that his feelings aren't so real; if he loved me he wouldn't want me in that position, he would rather I was happy with someone else than mixed up in his marital issues taking second place. That's simple to me but that's me. I'm sure some peoples idea of love is less sacrificial and more selfish.

But professional mistresses claim not to care about the hearts and flowers. Apparently, they like the control and convenience of seeing an unobtainable man, mmmmm?

Belle, "It will get everyone on MN going though!"

Yep, I've noticed. Oops

but Marsha, why does she need to prove that her man's love is that strong? Why cant she just be satisfied with a normal relationship?

Isnt it because deep down, she doubts her ability to attract a man, so she has to prove to herself that he really, beyond doubt prefers her to another woman?

But he's not "unobtainable" is he? He's just not always available! If he were unobtainable, she wouldn't be an OW...

"money" Kerry, there are broke married men. I doubt pro mistresses know that.

By not always available, I mean weekends etc.

The people I know who have had affairs as single women (think it's different when both parties are married) have genuinely fallen the man and, in every single case, the man has actively pursued the woman.

I don't have a lot of sympathy with the view of the OW as a predator. But, if I'm honest, I get "hit on" so often by married men that it's not surprising that I would feel that it's the man who mostly initiates things.

I know we're not talking about the man's motivation here but I think it's normally more about dreams/romance with them (unless it's just a shag and you can usually tell the difference). They idolise OW and are often horrified when she has feet of clay. Then, off they go either back to the wife or onto the next one.

As I said, just my view.