What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

I think you should always assume most of what you're told is lies. But I just find it hard to see why if someone loves someone they can tolerate someone not being available. I wouldn't even want someone who worked away or in the forces and for some reason probably because I'm divorced, a few married men have talked to me about being torn between lover and wife or merely enjoying both. I'm a reasonably tolerant listener and the gossip is interesting but I still don't really see what the attraction is. They often leave and end up with wife no. 2 who isn't as nice as the first and they lose their children and have no money left and are left with a second wife who also stops being sexy and they're in the same position as before but with not much contact with their children and a worse relationship. Not always but fairly often and this is the same the other way about too. The first thing I ask anyone is if they're married. Why court difficulties? Even someone separated but not yet divorced is an unncessary difficulty, months or years of divorce angst. Just steer clear of it.

The 'honeymoon' period has a lot more potential to last longer in an affair, which is a big part of the attraction. What you can't have you want even more. You don't have as much chance to get bored of someone during an affair (although many tire of the situation). I think a lot of people are more adorable in small doses (I am).

Im with you on that!! but I can understand how some women get sucked in, its having the balls to walk. Ive never understood that reasoning "well, if he wasnt doing me it would be someone else" true but do you really want to lower yourself?

WWIFN that description describes the serial OW I know and their attitudes to the wives perfectly.
except the rejecting female friendships bit - that's how I know the gory details!

but what about when he sings the praises of his wife whilst his trousers are still around his ankles?

dittany - I'm not sure that I would define my comment that there were things about her I didnt like as slagging her off. You may see it differently, as is your right.

I didn't sit around bitching about her as the evil wife, and I never discussed her with my MM. However, I know she is not someone I would ever have got on with if we had simply met randomly, and would not have liked her in those circumstances for many of the same reasons. I don't see that simply because of what went on between me and her husband that I'm not entitled to have any unfavourable opinions about her.

As to me and him - well he was the one who was married, and obviously unhappy. I was single. I wasn't cheating on anyone. I fully accept I'm no saint though but if people don't like me for what I did (and generally that's not been my experience, when people know the circumstances) so be it, they're entitled to their opinion.

Since when is 'disliking' someone the same as 'dehumanising' them?

Fact is, it's perfectly possible to be lied to by your partner whatever type of relationship you're in. Lying is easy - you just open your mouth and say the words least likely to get you into trouble.

Not everybody finds lying "easy"

Only a certain type of person, I would say

liars

they lie to the mistress and the wife. Most commonly, they are functioning with their wife and family. How every warped they portray it to the OW and even, their friends. You NEVER EVER know what goes on behind closed doors. If I wasnt going to bed now I could give you some great examples!!!

Oh come on, EVERYONE has told a lie. Let's not get all 'Listen With Mother' about it.

Im not, Im just tired. Im just saying in my experience what ever lie they are telling to their friends and OW they are telling an even bigger one to their wives. Men that cheat do not tell the truth generally.

"no, of course your bum doesn't look big in that..."

yep, I hold my hands up, m'lud

Everyone is lying to each other or, themselves.

Dittany - I am not saying that his wife deserved to be cheated on. I don't like some of her views and opinions, and the way she speaks to people. That view is not clouded by the fact she's his wife, it would be the same if i knew her under any other circumstances.

My conscience is not troubled. I didn't steal her husband. For one thing, he's not a possession, and he has his own mind. He chose to take the risk of ending his marriage by embarking on a relationship with me. In any event, I have now walked away from it all. He is still with her, he won't leave his children while they are young, and she won't throw him out because that would give him free rein to be with me.

So hatesponge - do you believe that he was only staying because his children were still young and that if his wife did throw him out, he would have come to you? Oh dear....

hatesponge - who initiated your relationship?

It is worth bearing in mind that a major impact of having a cheating partner for the faithful partner is that they find they are living with a partner who is behaving very differently, as generally deceit and guilt are very damaging to any relationship, and often desperately trying to do things differently to try and fix things, or racking their brains as to what they have done to make their partner so different. So if you only came across the faithful partner once the unfaithful partner is having the affair then you probably meet a very different person to their usual self. For many people it takes a good few years to recover from the stress. It's not just finding out that your partner has cheated that causes pain - in fact it is often a relief to finally be able to understand what has been going on, rather than doubting your sanity.

WWWIFN - I didnt say I believed that was the only reason he was staying. I do know that his children are his first priority, and being with them is a reason to stay. I never said it was his only reason.

His wife made the comment re throwing him out to a third party. I don't know if she had thrown him out whether he would have come to me or not, but clearly she believed he would.

I think we all have a basic understanding that there are big lies and little lies. Big lies might be easy enough to say at the time, but they are incredibly destructive to live with long term, and they are also rarely totally convincing. My dh told me on questioning that of course he wasn't having an affair - his OW was more like his mother (which was particularly iffy as at the time he was sleeping with her, and his own mother died several year ago, so an interesting lie to choose!). I was perfectly aware that he was lying, but couldn't question it, or do anything about it either.

I think one of the most difficult things for an OW/OM to accept is the painful truth that the reason the affair partner stays in their marriage is that they love their spouse more than the affair partner. They wouldn't wait to be thrown out to leave and go to the affair partner - and they aren't staying for the children.

Yes, nooka valid point.

It's the lies that do the most damage in these situations. It can take you years to trust your instincts again after being told you're imagining infidelity etc. If the wife/unknowing partner does seem unhinged it's usually because of the way she's been treated by her husband.

If the mm wanted to be with their ow they would. Nothing would stop him. Truth is a lot of these men do love their wife's, are still sleeping with their wives but have no qualms with having extra(s) on the side.

hatesponge, has it ever occurred to you that you weren't the only ow?

I know that a lot of unfaithful men have more than one steady ow and may see call girls also. If they are going to cheat on their wives why not the ow as well? what would make him say no to another woman? surely he's out for what he can get at this point.