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Original poster

What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

421 replies

RedishBlonde · 27/03/2010 04:44

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

OP posts:
Original poster
RedishBlonde · 27/03/2010 18:21

Belle, I mean emotionally not physically. He's obviously VERY physically available.

OP posts:
bobbiewickham · 27/03/2010 18:22

Hi Belle!

What do you mean "feet of clay?"

Am finding this v interesting.

Bonsoir · 27/03/2010 18:22

There's an awful lot of overthinking on this thread. I think a lot of married women don't want to admit the painful truth to themselves that relationships are not done deals but need to be nurtured every single day...

thesunshinesbrightly · 27/03/2010 18:25

My ex loved the thrill of the chase, left me when i was pregnant. Glad they find it thrilling.Bastard!.

fliight · 27/03/2010 18:25

I'm not sure how valid it is to try and dissect a form of relationship with no experience of it oneself.

nighbynight · 27/03/2010 18:26

Ooh bonsoir playing with fire to blame the wife...
I wouldnt blame her, because if the MM feels neglected he should work harder at the relationship himself, or divorce, not have an affair.
Belle is right about MM pursuing single women too, I have had my share of passes from MM.

Original poster
RedishBlonde · 27/03/2010 18:26

MarshaBrady - But she's deluding herself isn't she? she hasn't won anything. She hasn't stolen anything. If it wasn't her it would be someone else. confident, self assured women don't need this kind of validation from men or anyone. That's why it has to stem from low self worth.

once again I don't think there are any excuses for this and I certainly don't have sympathy for ow.

OP posts:
nighbynight · 27/03/2010 18:27

fliight, loads of us have been in the situation where we could have been OW though.

countingto10 · 27/03/2010 18:28

The OW in my case was a "competitive" one, she wanted the life she thought I had and was going to stop at nothing to get it. She send me vile, unsolcitited texts when I found out about them (I didn't respond to them BTW as I felt she was unworthy of a response). She knew my H was married with 4DC, she knew he wore a wedding ring, bought me expensive presents and he told her we had regular sex . Her friends were also vitreolic towards my H when he finished the affair (as they were soulmates, so in love etc). H said she saw me as the OW and not the DW at all.

She must have had some redeeming qualities (I keep asking DH to tell me them) as I don't want to completely demonise her though the texts didn't help her case. I understand why my H had the affair but I would really like to know what she thought she was doing. H admits he told her everything she wanted to hear but that doesn't detract from the fact that she knew he was married with DC. Before anyone says it, I know my DH was wholly to blame for what he put me and the DC through but she gave him the stick with which to beat us with and I really would like to know her justification for it. I also know judging by the texts, I am not going to get a reasonable response from her should we ever "bump" into each other.

MarshaBrady · 27/03/2010 18:29

Funnily enough she did admit that there were no suitable single men around and wanted to get on with having a family and he was the best candidate. She really did sound quite proud that a man would go to such trouble to be with her. I'd say she was a bit lonely beforehand. If she did get him then she will think she has 'won'.

Deep down she was glad she could 'beat' a woman ten years older, something to do with her attractiveness. I thought it all bollocks and horribly selfish etc etc and we don't speak anymore.

Personally I wouldn't bother to be embroiled in another person's marital problems, as the ow.

fliight · 27/03/2010 18:30

Nigh, I know...sorry, I was talking about the OP and those who hadn't. and I guess if you have not stepped into an affair, you might not have a true picture of why someone would...iyswim.

It seems a bit speculative - and considering the people on the thread admitting to having been in affairs are getting truly flamed, it's not likely to progress too far into insightful territory - sadly.

Original poster
RedishBlonde · 27/03/2010 18:32

Yep, Life's too complicated as it is

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 27/03/2010 18:33

Bobbie!! So lovely to "see" you.

I think what I mean is that when the kind of man I'm thinking about realises that his "OW" is not perfect in every respect or, in fact, just does not fit his fantasy then he is inevitably disappointed and the cycle starts again.

This is, though, only based on things that have either happened to me or my friends. It's not a great psychoanalytical thesis.

I often get the "Oh, you're the ideal woman for me; I wish I'd met you before I met my wife" routine. This is entirely based on where they happen to meet me although usually at work. I did have this once on holiday too. The point is that they're not seeing the full picture. They don't realise (and won't listen when you tell them) that I'm no different from anyone else. I just happen to give the impression of being free and relaxed when, in reality, I don't want to be free and am an uptight, stressy old cow.

Anyway, this isn't about me!! And, for the record, I have yet to succumb to any of the "you're perfect for me" bollocks.

MarshaBrady · 27/03/2010 18:33

I'll admit my experience is very little. I found it very surprising to hear the other side of the story especially after being on mn for some time.

bobbiewickham · 27/03/2010 18:36

What if...just theoretically...the OM sees all the snotty, teary, unreasonable, shitty side of the OW....and still gives her the "I wish I'd met you before" routine?

What does that mean then?

Original poster
RedishBlonde · 27/03/2010 18:36

countingto10 she did you a favour. He'll probably do it to her too. You're better off without him.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 27/03/2010 18:43

bobbie, I'd say he probably really does care for her. I am not, for one minute, saying that all men are romantics or serial shaggers. I think that you can meet anyone in any situation and that being married does not necessarily (as we all know) result in happily ever after.

It's not ideal but I think relationships can begin as affairs and still be meaningful, faithful, etc.

Original poster
RedishBlonde · 27/03/2010 18:44

I think most mm have an idealised, infantile idea of their perfect woman and the kind of life they feel they deserve. I mean, he probably chased his wife to begin with, asked her to marry HIM, wanted children etc and then decided he's unhappy with the life he has initiated and looks for the women he feels he "deserves". Little boys.

OP posts:
countingto10 · 27/03/2010 18:45

Redishblonde, we are still together. He left me for her 4 weeks after having sex with her, stayed with her for 6 weeks (when I found out) and then we had weeks in therapy, he didn't move back in straightaway BTW.

We have explored the reasons for the affair which were many and complicated. He has told me everything I want to know about the affair (this has taken a number of months and lots of self analysis on his part).

As far as the OW is concerned, an explanation from her would be nice but I know that this will never happen. In that sense, I have no "closure" but I am getting to the stage where I don't think about her with the all consuming hatred that I did have. I am looking forward to the day when I have absolutely no feelings towards her at all . And I am so pleased I never responded to those texts so she couldn't make me out to be a mad, insane wife who DH had every justification in leaving .

bobbiewickham · 27/03/2010 18:47

I think the answer to all this is that people, and consequently life, is complicated and messy.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 27/03/2010 18:47

I was involved with a mm when I was pretty young (20-22), there was a big age gap. I was at uni, in a very pressured environment, and felt that he 'took care' of me - called/texted every day, made sure I was alright. We lived a fair distance apart and would meet in London when he had meetings.

I had no intention of splitting up his marriage, knew he would never leave his wife for me. Didn't mind. He never said a bad word against his wife, only that they had grown apart and the relationship had stopped being physical.

He saw the 'unreasonable' side of me plenty of times - I have an unfortunate habit of getting nightmares/panic attacks in the middle of the night and wake up screaming and crying, he saw that a fair few times. He also listened to me go on about my family a lot.

We decided to stop seeing each other amicably. He is still married, hopefully happily. When we did split, I tried to convince him to do a couple of things which I thought might make his marriage better , e.g. go on holiday with just her. I was (am?) a very weird girl.

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/03/2010 18:51

bobbie, I think you're right. I honestly don't think it's possible to lump people into categories when we are such a complex mix of hopes, fears, needs, emotions, desires, etc.

Also, talking about "motivation" may be a bit unfair when many people find themselves drawn to someone and do everything they can to fight how they feel and remain true to their vows or their morals.

Oh, I don't know. I've not got enough experience and am just pontificating!

salbysea · 27/03/2010 18:57

I have never (well not knowingly but that's another story) been the other woman but know a few women who are serial mistresses and they seem to develop an amazing amount of hate for the wives / girlfriends and that sort of fuels it. They speak of them with such venom! It eggs them on and seems to be part of the thrill. They talk as if they have one up on this horrible person, like they've won! (I don't see it that way, IMO the mistress is the looser, the one the man doesn't publicly commit to)

They talk a lot about how ugly the wife/girlfriend is. How she never did a particular kinky act that she will, How she's stupid to buy the excuses the man makes when he goes out to see the mistress etc. It goes beyond the man saying something like "we're only together for the kids and she doesn't understand me" and the mistress buying it and disliking her because of second hand information, they seem to have their own independent deep hatred that they direct at the wife. Its quite bizarre. I remember one friend running up to me with a huge grin and excitedly announcing that her friend had met her lover's girlfriend and the girlfriend had been ugly and stupid - she was practically jumping out of her skin with delight telling me this???? I dont get it, if the girlfriend is sooo hideous and he still choses to commit to her over you isn't that an insult not a triumph???

I think on this thread it is worth distinguishing between serial mistresses and woman who happened to fall in love with someone who as attached and there is a short period of overlap before the old relationship is finished and the new one goes public. I am taking about the former. The latter could happen to anyone.

bobbiewickham · 27/03/2010 18:59

Feelings can be MASSIVE and very hard to fight, imo.

What your head says can be hugely overruled by your emotional needs - particularly if they've not been met up to that point.

Not saying it's right or wrong - just that it sometimes just "is".

MarshaBrady · 27/03/2010 19:03

Yes and there was a strong dose of I need to have children now, (mid thirties) and this man is the one to do it with. Now I think it could have been any man, ie if she had met the right single one. But the urge to have dc is so immensely strong. it's a shame it wasn't a straightforward relationship.