What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

just to add, the friend in the example had been seeing that man for the best part of a year at the time. It was not as if she'd just started seeing him and was thinking "he'll definitely dump her for me if she's so awful", that wasn't the reason for her glee - it was more about getting one up on the woman. At that point she pretty much knew the man would never leave for her.

I wouldn't ever want to be the OW but for whatever reason I attract them like a rash. I have been asked out or hit on by more married men in my life than single men. Probably explains why I have literally years when I haven't had a single date (6 years this month ).

MollieO me too (until DH)
I seem to have the OW look if there is one.
But I'm not, I think going on the pull whilst attached is a deeply unattractive quality and it instantly makes an otherwise okay looking bloke look like a troll to me.
I'd love to know what it is about me that gives out that vibe though.

Some MM do seem to subscribe to the idea that a single mother will be desparate for sex and will have an affair with them. Maybe we're "safe" because we already have children?

I haven't noticed much difference between pre and post child, to be honest... I do seem to have "married men only need apply" tattooed on my forehead.

I honestly cannot remember the last time someone who was truly single asked me out! Even DD's father was separated when we met.

countingto10, you kept your dignity in regards to not responding to the texts etc - she would have loved that and obviously was hoping you would to justify her warped view of you as the unhinged wife (as you said).

I hope you can learn to trust him again and stop thinking about the ow. I hope he behaves! Remember, it would satisfy her greatly to know you are still thinking about her. I know it must be hard to forget but seeing her for what she is - a silly little, jealous girl, will take away the power you may feel she had. Good luck!

I think I've got quite a few things stamped on my forehead...Anyway, I digress

I've noticed more attention from married men since I've become a mum. There are a lot of married men in the part of London I live, a lot are typical cads. There everywhere! If I was a professional mistress I would be in wealthy, married man heaven!

I reckon they are ALWAYS sleeping with their wives, its just a line they oome out with.

kittya - yup, think you're spot on there!

Well all the women on here saying they don't want to have sex with their husbands must be married to someone...

my mum tells a story about a friend of hers who had a 10 year affair with "the one" who said that him and his wife barely exchanged 2 words in all that time but he couldn't leave her because she was so depressed it had handicapped her so he stayed to care for her and the kids. He'd described her as a bed-bound MrsHaversham type. Then one day mum's friend's curiosity took over and she parked her car outside the house and saw the wife cheerfully drive herself off to work in the morning, but not before sharing a laugh and kiss and cuddle with the MM on the way out the door.

dunno if its true, or a cautionary fable LOL

trefusis, as I said the OW in my H's case saw me as the OW. And as I said, my H told the OW everything she wanted to hear, "I love you", "we are soulmates" etc. He was lying to me and he was lying to her. They were both in a fantasy world. And then reality bites everyone in the backside, cue very distressed DC, wronged DW and the rest of the ugly fallout. There are absolutely no winners at all.

I was a mistress for a year. No children involved. I was about his tenth mistress. He was never going to leave "her" and I never wanted to go out with him. We had a lot of fun and excitement. He is still with his wife of 20 yrs and prob has had several more mistresses since me. He boosted my confidence when it was low. He admired me. He was very fond of me. He phoned me every day. He listened to my ailments. I still like him, but as a fond memory. Now I am in a long term relationship.

No fear of rejection - if he doesn't stay, well then it's just because he's done the decent thing and gone back to his wife.

The fact that she loves the man and can't see anything else?

Rabbit - How do you feel about his wife now you are in a long term relationship? (poor cow there must have been 100's of women over the years.)Did you ever put yourself in the wife's position? (ahem, excuse the pun ). What were your thoughts about the wife then and did you talk about her with the mm?

LittleSilver - A lot of ow would say that. I don't believe in rose tinted glasses. I believe people use love as an excuse sometimes to be ignorant. but I do think the younger ow may just be simply naive and are targeted by mm because of this.

Branshott - Rejection - I feel they are kind of in a constant state of rejection being the ow.

In answer to the OP's specific question about "serial OW" or "professional mistresses" I agree that there are psychological reasons for such destructive behaviour. Just as there are psychological flaws in serial philanderers of both sexes.

I also agree that the motives of OW/OM are as varied as their affairs, but Shirley Glass in her book Not Just Friends, describes what is a fairly modern phenomenon - the OW who engages in a "guilt free affair". Given some of the accounts on this thread, the description she gives of "the antagonist" OW is quite revealing. Frank Pittman, a leading family psychotherapist in the US, calls this woman "spiderwoman". Below is an amalgam of their take on women like this.

This woman defines herself entirely by her attractiveness to men. She repels female friendships and sees other women as competition. When she engages in an affair, she quickly learns to hate her competitor, even though the wife is unknown to her. The wife is therefore demonised and even the female children of the marriage are similarly demonised. The buzz about the affair is not the sex or the adoration, but the competition. She sets herself challenges along the way. The buzz is enhanced if the man disparages his wife, or compares her unfavourably to the OW. If he chooses to spend time with the OW over time with his wife and family, this gives another buzz.

This OW demands more and more sacrifices of her MM to "prove" his love for her. Eventually this results in a demand that he leaves his wife. Very often, once he's prepared to do just that, the OW will retreat, because she has at that point won the competition and the thrill is diminished. She will then move on to another challenge.

She feels no guilt and in fact often feels she is a "victim" of unscrupulous men. In reality, she despises men only slightly less than women. However, she will often cast herself as a tragic heroine who is treated badly by everyone in her life.

For myself, I have just never understood why monogamous women are willing to share their sexual partner, why they collude in hurting other women and how they can hate a wife who has done nothing against them personally. It just doesn't make sense. I've also never understood how normally intelligent women can believe some of the nonsense they are told about their lovers' marriages.

Interesting post, WhenwillIbe. That description definitely fits well for some ow I know of and have heard about. It's simply a game or sport for them. They play at "relationships" and despise other females. Weird! but this kind of behaviour/thought pattern has to stem from a significant event that occurred somewhere in the ow life surely?

What do you think a mistress is? someone who goes out with/shags a married men or someone who is kept by a married man? I always thought it was the latter, you know, an apartment, nice clothes and an allowance. I know someone one (twat) who has kept at least one woman in the latter, until the children go to uni. Its a joke really. How old are they when they stop this fuckery? and, when they are too old, do they end up with the poor wife?

I can't speak for the motivation of 'serial' mistresses as I have only been the OW once. It wasn't planned - I never sat at home thinking how I would go out and bag a MM. I met him through friends, he was quite unlike anyone I had ever met, but he was also married.

I wasn't happy to be the OW indefinitely - ultimately I/we hoped that we would be able to work out a way to be together. However as time passed it became clear to me that this was far from easy, and eventually I decided that I couldn't put my life on hold for another year, or 2, or 10. So I had to walk away.

I dont see much of myself in the description set out by WWIFN above, but perhaps it's because those traits would apply more to serial mistresses rather than someone in my situation.

Just however to add that I never hated his wife. I didn't like a lot of things about her (both that I was told - not by him - and witnessed first hand) but I didn't hate her. As to what women believe, well I suppose there's an argument that you only hear what you want to hear. And to be fair that works both ways - a MM will spin both his wife and his OW lines and hope both believe him. In my case, most of the stuff I knew about their marriage came from other sources rather than him, so I have no reason to doubt it.

I assume it must be that they don't want more or feel they couldn't get it. I don't know why anyone would want just a little part of someone. I know someone who has a spouse and a long term lover. Apparently the lover likes it - gets the best parts without the bad parts but if you're like me and cannot imagine that it's very hard to understand why anyone would want that. And let's not be sexist. Plenty of women on mumsnet will have cheated and found a man prepared to put up with just having them when time allows. I'm single. I have absolutely no interest in anyone married.

yes, I know what you are saying and have first hand experience but, you never really know what he is like with the wife do you? what goes on in the relationship, what lies she is spun, even if they are like "brother and sister" you can never really know.