What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

There are many permutations on this; many ways of seeing this.

A Woman who has an affair and just get's the "left-overs" of a relationship (usually sexual).

A Woman on a power trip who takes particular joy in sleeping with a married man; a bit of a power trip.

I find this interesting; and believe it really needs to go back to "source".

A woman can't have an affair unless he wants it.

Rarely do we hear about a woman slapping a man on his back, attaching a lolly stick to his reluctant penis and mounting him against his will.

The Man always has the power in these assignations; whether the OW wants to believe it or noy.

I was a mistress for 2 years with a man that was in a terrible drunken and abusive marriage. We did not plan it, we both tried to get out of it. We were unable to. I left him eventually so he could make his decisions. We are together 6 years later with dd 3.8. TBH did not really understand what I was getting myself in for, and the pain this would cause the other family and the pain it would cause DP and I, we are working through. A single young woman taking on all this baggage, love or not is very blinded, immature and naive. But tbh if I had somebody as wise as I am now to advise me I probably would not have listened .... We are very happy together and have a wonderful daughter ...

I (personally) feel that in an another Woman situation; the Man has all the power.

I've had many many offers over the years. Quite a few I was attracted to.

But the reality was that I didn't want to be an "other" anything. I have too much self worth for that; I didn't need the ego trip of taking a man from another woman.

I could never have a relationship with a man that thought that this was acceptable behaviour.

Affairs make liars and cheats.

MCDL, you're partner loved this Woman once. Enough to marry her. What turned her into a drunk ?

Might it have been because she knew that he was playing around ?

You certainly messed with her head.

You fucked her husband secretly for two years.

Yes indeed I did 'fuck her husband' your choice of words not so productive, but supported encouraged loved and was his friend also. They were destroying each other and both were very unhappy. Ex wife still destroying her life but taking nobody with her ...

mcdl oh well that's all right then

We can all justify our (bad) behaviour.

If he was so right; and so were you; why did you fuck around behind the "drunken ex wife's back" for 2 years ?

They were "destoying" each other.

I'll answer my own question.

A decent man would have got help for his wife and her alcohol problem. A decent man would have worked on his marriage. A decent man would call a halt on a relationship; before he embarked on another one.

Instead he fucked you in secret for two years.

Nice.

Let's hope that you aren't ever in her position.

I think you are being a bit harsh on MCDL. You don't know what went on. She said it was an abusive marriage.

Never once justified our bad behaviour. Does not make us bad people. In fact can realise our wrong doings and failings. Does not make us bad people.

clutter, the chances are that a mistress will be in the ex wife's position, should he jump ship to her

because "winning" a "prize" of a man who is capable of cheating and fucking around with a another woman is such a safe and secure relationship to be in, isn't it ?

imagine....just waiting until he does the same thing to you

no, thank you

AnyFucker, Cluttergoddess.

Are you English ..

Agree any fucker. Passes MDCL tonic and a slice for the Gin.

YAMA. I don't think I'm harsh. By account the man that she's now with, was shagging her whilst still in a relationship with his wife. That's abuse.

A real man deals with his situation before embarking on another.

I got pulled up short by my now Dh.

I had cancelled my wedding 3 weeks before the day (to my partner of 10 years); and turned up drunk at my now Dh's house.I was still wavering as to whether to marry or not.

He refused to have sex with me, or even kiss me on the rebound and in my drunken state; sent me home in a taxi; and told me to come back when I was sober .

He also told me that he loved me beyond anything and everything.
He told me that he was distracted by the idea of having sex with me.

He told me that there was no foundation to a relationship where deceit was involved.

He told me that he could not kiss me or have sex with me; until such time as I had completely left my (then) marriage partner.

That's the foundation for a relationship.

I wasn't so honourable. I just wanted to jump his bones; I wanted to deal with the guilt/deviousness/cheating afterwards.

Thank fully my DH didn't.Where I felt lust; he saw the right thing to do.
He didn't want to inherit the deritus of another man's life; and he didn't want to cheat himself.

We're now coming up for our 25th wedding anniversary.

It changed my way of thinking.

So from my point of view; a Man that screws around behinds his (albeit) drunk wife's back; aint a catch.

And neither are you.

You were friends, the marriage was abusive, she was a drunk ..... et al

But when push comes to shove; you're intrinically liars and cheats; and that's no basis for a marriage.

He aint a catch. He spent two years fucking you; but didn't have the balls to leave his abusive relationship.
That's not a man. That's a sneaky cheat.

Do you know where he is now ? What he's doing.
Maybe a sneaky shag with a woman that believes that your marriage is hell since you had the children; and you haven't had sex since 2008 ???

Good Luck. You'll need it.

Do you know where he is now; what he's doing?

Don't be suprised if he's fucking some other woman, telling them the sob story of how you

Because he'll do it again; and again and again

If everybody was as perfect as u and had the start of a relationship as perfect as urs, the world would be a wonderful place .. !

mcdl, yes I am English

why ?

What do you think of the English Monarchy. Cammila Parker Bowles. Charles .. What went on in his marriage to Diana. Camilla seems now to be excepted .. ? as does Charles ?

MCDL. I have not suggested I was perfect.

In fact, I was far from perfect; I was ready to have an affair with my (now) DH . He put a stop to it (not me).
As above narration shows.

My relationship is not perfect; far from it.

At times I love him beyond belief; at times I hate him beyond belief and could frankly kill him.

There have been times when I was in a very bad place: a drunk/lush at times. I was the drunken Wife. Luckily; my husband supported me.

There were times when my DH was made redundant; and sank below depressed; and attempted suicide.

For Better for worse. In sickness or in Health, for Richer or Poorer; as long as we both shall live.".

It's called marriage.
It's a vow. It's a promise.
Two people walk up the isle and make it.

For Better or Worse.

Your OH screwed you for 2 years having made that promise to another Woman.

Where does that leave you ?

Our relationship was more than 'screw' and 'fuck' in those two years. In fact we did not get together physically for about a year after we started meeting. We come from a amall town and have known each other since we were kids. I find your use of words insulting and most dis respecful. It is obvious you are very bitter about something and very bitter ' toward women like me' ...

Please tell me we're not about to start holding up members of the Royal Family as examples? shudders at the thought

I think the monarchy and what they get up to is largely pretty irrelevant for most Brits day to day. I personally don't "accept" Charles or Camilla any more or less than I accept any of the rest of the Royals. They're just another formerly adulterous couple who've chosen to make a go of it. That said and given their history, I wouldn't be particularly surprised if Charles chose to dip his wick elsewhere (really shudders at that thought) in the same way I wouldn't be overly surprised if any previous adulterer chose to cheat on his former mistress/now wife.

As for cluttergoddess's story. I think she made it pretty clear that the start of her relationship wasn't "perfect". It was, however, a great example of two people doing the right thing in difficult circumstances. I don't know about perfect, but the world would certainly be a far less painful place if more people followed their example...

Hi guys, Thanks for your replys!

I've only just got online so will read through your comments and re post later. I'm REALLY behind today, late night, few hours sleep, long list of chores - yada yada...

Please continue to give your opinions and I'll get my teeth into this when I get a chance to later.

Can I just confirm I am not, never have been or would be the Other Woman.

Before I bugger off, Do you think other women hate other women? hate the fact other women can have (or seem to have) stable relationships, real relationships? I say this because during the period being the other woman appealed to me, I had just got myself out of a terrible relationship and was convinced I was not the kind of woman that men wanted "real" loving relationships with - I was also cheated on during that relationship and I'm pretty sure, subconsciously, I had decided that I would rather be the OW than the woman I had been: sitting at home trying to get through to Bf's phone, sending texts, no reply etc - imagining him and the ow having fun, laughing; the complete contrast of what I felt I was...

Back later

Agreed Hawklore ... Did not have as I have posted the wisdom and maturity to do so .. Does not say that we have a failing relationship, a happy life with our dd ..

MCDL - Was this your first relationship with an attached man. Were you hesitant at first knowing he was attached? or did you take what he told you about his marriage at face value?

Thanks

Yes . I was very hesitant about him been attached but we grew extremenly fond of each other and before we knew it could not go back. I took what he told me about his marriage because I knew it was true. It was common knowledge. He had spent many years trying to get out but could not ...

ho hum

'A decent man would have got help for his wife and her alcohol problem'

That's not really appropriate - an alcoholic needs to help themselves. Nobody can do it for them.
But I am starting to wonder why OP is saying 'thankyou' so much and asking so many questions.

I know a lot of students use these forums for research and I don't wish to be replying purely for this purpose.

Perhaps you could clarify OP.

and journalists.

agreed, lucy

btw, mcdl, I don't give a shit about the royal family

they bear no resemblance to real life, so your comparison is a stupid one