What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

Nicely put Eurostar, i agree with you. I am in the Forces and have experienced all too often unwanted advances from MM.

I wish i could say they were all drop dead handsome and totally irrestistable
What makes me is that they feel because they are Married they somehow feel able to punch well above their weight and manage it!!!

These men in my opinion and experience do not want to conduct an affair, they simply want some excitement with no strings or complications. They seldom talk ill of their wives and when on detatchment the 'det rules' seem to be reason enough for not feeling guilty and they are able to return with their conscience clear!!!

I should stress and double stress that this is in no way a reflection of all servicemen just a small percentage, i suppose the same can be said regarding servicewomen, of which maybe i have fallen into that category a couple of times.

I have never been the OW but i do admit that while being on detatchment i have fallen for some of the most appalling chat up lines and advances (clearly not all of them have been unwanted) i felt flattered [ashamed] and did not think of the DW or DC's left at home one little bit.

....braced for the flaming....

Eurostar - i do agree with you to a point.
I dont think many of these ow actually target a man (although I have know a few when i was younger).

However the 'rules' are clear to all. The ow will always be seen as the evil one and she knows that as well as anyone. She may delude herself otherwise but when it comes to it she knows how people will react and that is why it has to be a 'secret'.

I also do think there are many woman who are happy just to have a part time relationship - i think if i were honest i think i would . All the nice bits and none of the chores!!
Often though a relationship that starts like this changes and the ow actually wants more - thats when the trouble starts - and probably the time when she turns into this 'evil' woman.

So I think poster got some good answers here. Shame not more mistresses or mistresses starting off in a relationship didnt join. They would learn so much of what would be ahead for them ..

"Strangely, her parents encouraged her behaviour!? "

Jesus Christ! I thought my parents were weird! I would be very surprised if her marriage worked; karma

only read the first page.
but fucking hell, men arent hopeless children.
it is THEIR fault they have affairs, not the other woman.
if you husband is so easily led into a full blown affair, like a puppy after a treat, why in gods name would you have any respect left for him whatsoever.
the other woman is partly to blame, but its 99% the mans fault for being weak, and MAKING THE CHOICE to cheat on their wives/partners.

Agree and most wives who adore their husbands find it very very hard then to say the husband is to blame whereas the total stranger other woman is much easier to blame. You can see why they tend to blame the OW more than the husband but it's the husband who is committing adultery, not the other woman. Partly to blame yes but not even as much as 50%.

Xenia. Sorry to hijack the thread but where do you go to meet men oline? Has it worked for you?

And staying with the thread topic, my soon to be ex has a mistress for about a year or so. He was pleased as punch. Told me she wanted just the fun and games. I suspect she wanted him for good though. I think affairs are delusional. That's their appeal. And why I think fiction writers find the subject matter so appealing. They have a not quite real quality that people find seductive.

Yes, it's not until you smell their smelly socks on a daily basis that you see the reality which is why it's good to foist the 3 under 5s on the mistress and ex for the weekend so she can be up 5 times a night wioth the baby, have the toddler urinate in the bed and then be finally wokedn up at 5am on the Saturday morning so she can realise the reality of weekends with her new perfect man and his children.

(It works really well but I'm very very thorough at checking out if someone is single or not - someone didn't reply to that question on an email today. My next email back just now repeated - are you single. I'm just not interested if they're not).

Im actually glad more people are pointing out that its mainly the men that are to blame. They are so freaking weak.

Xenia. Can I ask - which site do you use?

Do you post a picture? I feel terrified at the thought of being out there.

I do think it is the men who are to blame - however i also think the ow likes to believe she is 'the one' to change him and of course even though she knows he is a liar she believes he couldnt to her.

I know i could never have a relationship with a married man - so i suppose i do have a low opionion of woman who do choice to that.

The wife rarely 'puts up' with his cheating unlike the ow who does. Once it is in the open the usual script is for him to try and save his marriage.

The lies are necessary for him to be the selfish twat - he knows that, the ow knows that, but the wife does not at the time.

So in many ways it is the ow who 'allows' the affair to continue.

So are more men leaving their wives for the OW than women leaving DHs for the other man?

I am a man if you haven't guessed.

I decided that I will not judge my dad until I get to his age.

I think we all know what the right thing to do is. But so many of us are imperfect, weak, live for now.....

....I wouldn't enjoy it, but there are worst things my DW could do than have a little play thing. Hey, I said I wouldn't be pleased but I think that it's not necessarily the end of the world. And I am a fairly "alpha" male.

Okay have only read the first page.. But by my reckoning the benefits of being the ow are. He will generally be on his most charming behaviour, he's pleased to see you ( as your not hoarding the screaming ankle biters ) , you don't get his bad moods or dirty laundry. He takes you out etc etc.. You know all the nice stuff before you live together.

My opinion on this is totally based on talking to my dhs other woman.. Btw

So Happy - it seems that if a man and a woman are both lying you judge the woman more than the man? Why would you judge the woman worse than the man when he is lying to the woman he is living with every day, face to face? How can he be worse than the mistress? Why should the mistress have more responsibility to end it than the the bloke?

Maybe, next, we should be asking the question...what makes a man happy to have a Mistress?

How did that come about? you talking to her? Are you still married and how crap has it been?

Euro - no i dont judge the ow more harshly - just that from the wifes pov.
Following the 'script' many men do try to make amends to the wife for their lying - not many ow try to.

And as for that 'it is the man who is married' so the ow has no responsibilty - ok - the wife has no responsibility to the ow and is entitled to think as badly of her as she wants surely.

I personally dont think i would have an affair, and so find it difficult to have any kind of empathy/sympathy with ow.

They are many other groups of people i would find it hard to like because of their morals - I am entilted to my feelings whether they are right or wrong.

Tdiddy - having done some research around the matter the satistics seem to indicate that marriages when the wife has had an affair have a higher rate of divorce - one theory is that a woman thinks of the consequeses before embarking on the affair and often concludes that her marriage MUST be lacking for it to be happening. This is often the view of the ow too (he must be unhappy in his marriage for this to happen). Whereas many many dont think along these lines.
This is of course generalisation - but as you have described yourself as alpha male i assume you can accept that .

Ahh well the silly billy ow called dh on our home number late at night.. Because she had called about five mins before he hung up and pulled the phone out of the socket.. He was worried the phone riming would wake me up! Anyway it went to answer phone with went straight to my mobile .. And so I had her message and I 1471 ed her number..

I sat on it for a day or two.. I knew there was something going on before this , but I then had confirmation.

So I called her and had a natter. Like you do. She was nice enough to answer my questions. And appreciated me not yelling, I mean it was down to dh as I see it.. He was the onewho made the vows with me.

So that's how I ended up talking to her.

Yes we're still together, no it's not great

Tdiddy - I too agree - there are far more important things - i have spoken to my h about this - and i think he would have a similar view to you - he wouldnt like it but could accept it.

It is a shame that my h couldnt have told me before it happened - but i doubt then that the affair would have happened.

I wonder how many ow would be happy if they knew the wife knew and accepted it??
I think there is a lot of competitiveness - the ow wants to be 'better' than the wife.

I too talked to ow - she was pleasant too - was grateful i would not make a fuss for her at work.

However she also choose to lie to me - so i made it my bussiness to find out as much as i could about her and her family too - she knew it didnt like it - but hey all's fair and all that.

Ow seem to have a knack of making sure the wife 'finds out' if they wish.

Happy - thanks for the research. I also wonder whether male pride explains higher rate of divorce when woman strays.

I think they way you would react to DP cheating when you are 25 could be very different to reaction when you are say 55 ? Also, depends on the relationship context i.e. what else is happening in your lives? None of this justifies breaking your vows; just a comment.

Sorry about the typos , Am on my my phone and I have fat fingers.

Yes agree that ow will make sure wife will find out.. In my case she rang the home number to find out, because dh had told her that I had left with the dc's.

I do still sort of love dh, more in a company type of way, and there are other things that keep us together.

I don't trust him and never will.. But i'm okay with that issue at the moment.

If it helps with research at all.. Dh has said that if I ever took a lover he would divorce me. The only reason I haven't is that I don't want to need to ATM.. Doesn't mean even with that threat that I wouldn't when the time

Alsotbh it would have been easier if ow was looking for a relationship rather than a no strings thing. As I did offer him to her!

TACC - dont worry about the trust too much - i dont think i trust anyone that much anymore.

Sad but true - i do trust my h in many ways though - he is a good provider and never hides money/things. I can trust him with the children.

I trust myself now though to never be put through that again and would leave - he now knows that and i think it would have to be the 'real thing' if he did it again.
I think you can have love without trust - its just different.

I think his affair was just something he did - he never thought it could be the end of his marriage - that is not what he wanted at all.
But of course ow had other ideas and made sure her h and I found out - it backfired though and she had to hear the painful truth that actually it did not mean as much as his marriage did.
It took her a while to accept this - not excatly bunny boiler but wanted me to know what a liar he was to me (by then though dh had told me pretty much everything and was begging to come back).