shit mothers day because of vile vile DH, he's surpassed himself this time

[minxofmancunia]

Started at 5.30 am when ds (6mo) woke up for the first time which for him is briiliant. Dh was supposed to be getting up with him, told me he'd be giving him milk to et him back to sleep again. I reminded him of what we'd discussed which was we'd try to settle him without milk, OR if he wouldn't and it was after about 5.30 we'd try not to give him milk straight away so as to restructure his feeds a bit (when he night feeds he won't drink anything all morning and it all goes wonky). I've worked f**king hard with ds at night trying to reverse it the correct way round and spent HOURS awake with him.

DH did his usual lost his temper chucked the bottle of cooled boiled water at me and told me to get up with him even though I was supposed to be having a lie-in. Cue explosive row, he enede up getting up with ds I just lay in bed crying. Got up myself at 8, more nastiness, supposed to be going to church as a family but took dd (3.5) on my own just to get away from him and his rants about how Mothers day is "pathetic" and why should he make an effort etc etc because he doesn't believe in it.

Aftre church had a meal out, couldn't eat much due to nasty atmosphere then more spite this pm, went out to get some new gym clothes, he offered to buy for me which I didn;t expect but half way there because I'd mentioned how unhappy I was with his behaviour turned the car round and refused to go, then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day, dd just looks really worried all the time because her Mummy is so sad .

I really really hate him , he's a f**kwit. This is pretty much the scenario every single weekend, he won;t go along with me about anything re parenting and just has these huge toddler type tantrums everytime I disagree with him. If I don;t apologise or give in to him he just makes threats e.g. if I'm meeting a friend he'll then refuse to do childcare last minute.

I'm no saint, I've said some horrible things to him too but he's a vile vile bully. The ONLY thing that keeps with with him is my gorgeous dcs and our beautiful house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own and just can't face the thought of leaving and starting again whilst he gets to keep the house.

I'm now beginning to feel permanently anxious when he's in the house as in sick with anxiety because of his temper. Yes I do "nag" him about housework but he's so shockingly messy and dirty I can't keep on top of it all and I get to the end of my teather with it.

He claims to still love me desperately but acts like he hates me, I don't think I love him anymore. He's a good Dad but a shit husband, and now he's got a hold on me because of money, I hate not being independent and not just being able to go.

He's beginning to alienate our friends too with his tempestous tantrummy little outbursts and his self-righteous rage and indignation. We're supposed to be going to centre Parsc in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it as I know he'll just kick off about ANY issue re parenting if we don't do it his (f**kwit no common sense) way.

Our arguments are going to wreck my dcs life. I was looking at the "are you 100% sure your partner would never cheat thread". I'm pretty sure he wouldn't but TBH I don't actually care if he did. I think that says it all really.

hi minx

how are you today? any progress?

zazen thanks for your support, is very kind of you but with respect I don't think he's NPD. Having had a previous short lived relationship with someone who was and having suffered truly horrific abuse during that time (makes dh look like an angel!) and also having worked with PD and emergent PD professionally I don't feel his quite there yet.

Some of the rage stuff does apply admittedly but his true nature is v contradictory, very Jekyll and Hyde. I know this is characteristic of emotionally abusive people but I can swing wildly in my mood too. I'm not perfect, i probably have made him feel inadequate about some things. We are in a toxic relationship, the mian problem being he's untalkable too. If I try to discuss any of the very good points on here with him later he'll fly into a rage.

BTW he didn't watch his Dad winding his Mum up he actually physically threw his Dad out of the house when he (H) was about 15 for the way his Dad was treating his Mum. What I meant was sometimes he and his brother can start off with some gentle teasing of his Mum (she's not the brightest) then she immediately responds being offended and it can escalate into full blown wind up which is uncomforatble to see. I have asked him, gently, when we're out to be aware of it and to be fair he does make the effort to reign it in if his Mums getting distressed.

He loves his Dad because he's his Dad but he despises him for the s*t job he did of being a husband and father. he actively counteracts this by almost going over the top with affection and attention for dcs but seems to emulate him a bit in his interactions with me. he did used to say the "allwomen are barmy" bit when he met me and "what do you talk about lipstick and tampons?" but shut up pretty sharpish when i told him he could f*k right off with this sort of talk. Again to be fair he was being stalked by his 50 year old landlady at the time and had to get an injunction against her , she caused both of us a fair few problems as she was obsessed with him.

he's a complex character and this is what happens when yuo fall in love with complex characters

complex character ?

I dunno about "complex character" or "personality disorder"

he just sounds like an old-fashioned nasty bastard

some people are...and their nastiness escalates when dc come along because the people around them no longer have the time/inclination to give them the respect they deserve

minx, I feel for you, lovie x

the thing is I don't mind him disagreeing with me, everyone has differences of opinion. The immature way he responds is something I just can't handle, esp when i see that other men DON'T respond like that. I feel like I'm dealing with a tantrumming 15 year old.

And yes, the putting ear phones on/shoving ear plugs in so he doesn't have to listen to me is downright nasty and cruel. The winding me up so i and up shouting and crying then accusing me of damaging dcs is cruel (although he shouts at me literally at the drop of a hat). He's spoilt, he was dragged up and he always always got what he wanted because his Mother is UNABLE to set a boundary. Even now after 10 years together he finds me sticking up for myself a challenge as he previous girlfriend have been doormats.

Having dcs has brought the worst out in him unfortunately. At least it's towards me and not to them. that would be worse.

having dc does sometimes do this....my ex admitted to a psychiatrist that he was just plain jealous....of me and my relationship with our dc,he didnt have that with his own abusive mother,so was jealous we had a great relationship

he was also jealous of the time i spent with them.

he used to throw tantrums to get the spotlight back on him,and then was controlling to try and keep it there!

8dittany* apologies if I didn't make it clear I can't complain about him re childcare. he's up for it more than me TBH, I get plenty of "time off". It's just the way he does things are somewhat lacking in common sense, to the point where friends have started noticing and saying things (not in a nasty way). This then causes more rage.

The thing is he's not going to know the common sense basics of parenting not having experienced any himself. My Mum said to me today on the phone she's noticed his interrupting of me has got a lot worse of late. Even not in arguments he literally never lets me speak and just talks over me. it's like he's scared of what I've got to say.

Housework though, God that's where all this started. battle after battle after battle.

can't seet he point of a long term relationship with someone unable to communicate is the top and bottom of it.

im honestly not of the 'divorce him' brigade, but if he is unable to communicate ie sit down and talk about issues - rather than passive agressive earphone job, or shouting - then whats the point.

90% of a relationship is communcation - if not more IMO.

housework - set jobs are his set jobs are yours - i mean this could be up dor discussion...but he can't communicate.

my dh does our bedroom, hangs up clothes, irons his own stuff and takes the bins out. ( as well as some other day to day stuff ) but those are deffo his.

whoever cooks - doesn't wash up - that kind ofthing you could come to an agreement - a discussion - but its a mute point really isn't it?

moot

freudian

"at least its towards me and not them..."

yet

I am guessing the dc's are fairly young atm

what do you think might happen when they start answering back, start having a mind of their own ?

will he shout at them ? verbally abuse them? freeze them out ? wind them up to screaming point with passive-aggressive game-playing ?

my father did stuff like this to me...it kinda fucked me up

Minx I cannot believe some of the responses you have had on this thread. I was married to someone very similar and whenever I posted about him I recieved endless support and advice that actually gave me the strength to sort out the situation.

As for your ds and his routine I TOTALLY see what you were doing there and I am really surprised that you could be criticised for it.

I totally agree with everything Dittany, Custardo, Anyfucker, Junglist, BitofFun and Skidoodle have said on this thread probably some others to but those are the ones who stand out. I think it really is as simple as him being a lazy bastard. My exh used to go nuts if asked to take the dc to the park by himself or do anything round the house to the point where he would actually threaten me and call me disgusting names. Sheer rage that HE, Mr Big Bollocks should be expected to contribute in anyway or make life easier in anyway for his idiot of a wife, How Dare I?????

I agree with Dittany though that you are being drawn back into honeymoon phase, don't worry they are really good at doing that, ex was fab at it. Took me 8 long years to finally leave him and even now when he is nice I wonder "what if?". Maybe it will be ok for a couple of weeks but you will be back here I promise you that, they don't change. Once they start down this road it only gets worse. Funnily enough my ex was the perfect man the first year of our relationship, I really couldnt believe my luck but somehow a horrible childhood, witnessing their fathers behaving like arseholes always manages to rear its ugly head after a while.

Sorry so long I just want you to know I really do know what you are going through.

Oh and Mothers Day being "pathetic"? Well when I was with my ex Christmas, Birthdays and Mother's Day were all pathetic, a waste of time, a way for companies to make money out of him blah, blah, blah. I can't remember a birthday or Mothers Day after our first year together where he didn't get the raging hump about having to do something for me for it. Couldn't stand it being a special day for me and would go all out to ruin it. I hated him for that, was so scared my dc would grow up with the same attitudes and not get the joy out of birthdays and Christmas they were supposed to. But as the years passed it became apparent it was actually only MY birthday, Christmas and Mothers Day that was the problem.

Minxofmancunia, your post could be EXACTLY me. In fact if you searched my name you might find a few...

H constantly berated me for using the 'wrong tone' when talking to him, used to put me down and start arguments constantly, then blame it all on me regardless of if I'd said a word, and alienated me from all friends, and himself to boot with his behaviour.

I managed to get up the courage to end it middle of 2007 and have never looked back.

It hasn't been easy, I won't lie. The main problem is, as we have the kids together, he's still in my life and still - nearly three years later- works to make it as miserable as he possibly can. He still talks to me like crap, with the added bonus that he still knows how to upset me and does. But I'm starting to learn to ignore him - much easier without living with him - and having recently started a new, caring, relationship has had a real effect on that.

Relationships after him weren't easy either, I really didn't anticipate being as much of a mess as I was - I thought as I knew he was a tosser, and ended it myself, it would all be fine. In reality, I struggled trusting people, struggled adapting to my relationship and my children being seperate entities, and constantly expected to be put down or hurt which had a bad effect on self esteem and the whole relationship in turn.

Sorry if that sounds negative, it has been a vastly positive change for me and I'm a new person!!! But you could still have things to work through after, is what I'm trying to say.

I knew I'd done the right thing when 4yo ds asked, after we'd moved out, why 'daddy had always been horrible and shouted' at me. He's said other things since, which even though they have a good relationship with their dad, make me eternally happy they have no chance of witnessing any more.

Good luck x

You sound like you and your DC are in prison and your jailor is mad.

What Dittany said...definitely.

minx I have just read the whole thread and wanted to offer my support to you.

I just want to re-iterate what BitofFun (I think it was her) said. If you're worried about money, rent etc then you must go to your mum.

You've said that you're worried she will worry about you and be upset. The fact is, that by telling you her concerns about how he's interrupting you etc, she is already worried about you. Going to her as a first step to get away from this situation will most likely ease her worry. She will know you're safe and she is in a position to help.

You sound a lot like me. You're a strong woman who values her independence and who hates to ask for help. Just recently I've been forced to ask for help, and the ways in which people have come forward have been so heartwarming. Don't worry about imposing on people, because they would far rather offer you assistance than learn that you suffered in silence.

Good Luck.

steelfairy and luna - think we were married to the same type of man.

One of the things my ex used to do was talk through his gritted teeth and my ds1clearly remembers that.

Unfortunately he is still in my life and is now living with someone upon whom he is dependent (for somewhere to live) and the dcs say he speaks differently to them and me when he is alone as opposed to when he is with new p for example. Then he is all softly spoken and smiles but alone he is moany and angry and still speaks through gritted teeth.

He often used to bang on about how women weren't so wonderful - alright women should not be put on a pedestal but I have NEVER had similar comments from any man I have known. And I have known a few

I do not know where men came from but they are all from the same hellhole , how on earth can you tell your wife the mother of your children that you dont beleive in mothers day? I made such a hell of his life yesterday that he had to apologise the whole night but as we say you cant change in a night today we were fighting I almost called the police cos he wanted m to shut the f*up ,I had to call my brother to talk to him , my kids know that he was kicking me am devastated

Leave him or throw him out, life is too short to put up with this total shit and live in misery. Your children will pick up on the atmosphere.

Your son will see the way he treats you and when he grows up will treat women the same way. The cycle has to end somewhere.

hi.. i know how u feel i feel like that most days...im not perfect but my hubby can be a nasty peice of work..we have 3 kids under age of 4 and im pregnant again..because he the main provider and im the stay at home wife he think he can say do anything we lke we have nice house in nice area and car..he has a very well paid job so that i dont need to go out work..but he tighter than a ducks arse..its so demeaning cuz i have to ask for money..b4 we got married i was financially independent for 7 years..then i stopped working and started having kids..he never helps with the kids cuz he says its my responsibilty..it does my head in..and the extended family do my head in they soo interfering..i wana scream for them to stay out...i cant leave cuz i have no money and nowhere to live and i financialy reliant on him..life is so crap its one big shithole..only things that keep me going r my kids.

asiangirl Maybe you could start a thread about your not so dh to get some support. Your story might not get noticed on here and it sounds like you could really do with some help.