shit mothers day because of vile vile DH, he's surpassed himself this time

[minxofmancunia]

Started at 5.30 am when ds (6mo) woke up for the first time which for him is briiliant. Dh was supposed to be getting up with him, told me he'd be giving him milk to et him back to sleep again. I reminded him of what we'd discussed which was we'd try to settle him without milk, OR if he wouldn't and it was after about 5.30 we'd try not to give him milk straight away so as to restructure his feeds a bit (when he night feeds he won't drink anything all morning and it all goes wonky). I've worked f**king hard with ds at night trying to reverse it the correct way round and spent HOURS awake with him.

DH did his usual lost his temper chucked the bottle of cooled boiled water at me and told me to get up with him even though I was supposed to be having a lie-in. Cue explosive row, he enede up getting up with ds I just lay in bed crying. Got up myself at 8, more nastiness, supposed to be going to church as a family but took dd (3.5) on my own just to get away from him and his rants about how Mothers day is "pathetic" and why should he make an effort etc etc because he doesn't believe in it.

Aftre church had a meal out, couldn't eat much due to nasty atmosphere then more spite this pm, went out to get some new gym clothes, he offered to buy for me which I didn;t expect but half way there because I'd mentioned how unhappy I was with his behaviour turned the car round and refused to go, then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day, dd just looks really worried all the time because her Mummy is so sad .

I really really hate him , he's a f**kwit. This is pretty much the scenario every single weekend, he won;t go along with me about anything re parenting and just has these huge toddler type tantrums everytime I disagree with him. If I don;t apologise or give in to him he just makes threats e.g. if I'm meeting a friend he'll then refuse to do childcare last minute.

I'm no saint, I've said some horrible things to him too but he's a vile vile bully. The ONLY thing that keeps with with him is my gorgeous dcs and our beautiful house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own and just can't face the thought of leaving and starting again whilst he gets to keep the house.

I'm now beginning to feel permanently anxious when he's in the house as in sick with anxiety because of his temper. Yes I do "nag" him about housework but he's so shockingly messy and dirty I can't keep on top of it all and I get to the end of my teather with it.

He claims to still love me desperately but acts like he hates me, I don't think I love him anymore. He's a good Dad but a shit husband, and now he's got a hold on me because of money, I hate not being independent and not just being able to go.

He's beginning to alienate our friends too with his tempestous tantrummy little outbursts and his self-righteous rage and indignation. We're supposed to be going to centre Parsc in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it as I know he'll just kick off about ANY issue re parenting if we don't do it his (f**kwit no common sense) way.

Our arguments are going to wreck my dcs life. I was looking at the "are you 100% sure your partner would never cheat thread". I'm pretty sure he wouldn't but TBH I don't actually care if he did. I think that says it all really.

ninah he would refuse and I can't afford the mortgage. I've asked him to leave before but he's point blank refused. then I can't face leaving and that's what keeps me with him. My terror of leaving and the enormity of the task.

If I left him he'd be f*king gutted. he'd beg me to come back, I'd get teras, apologies and "best behaviour" for a while. then the rot would begin to set in again. I left him once when dd (my first) was four and a half months old. He flew home from his snow boarding holiday early to beg me back. But I don't know why he wants to be with me. he certainly doesn't seem to like me. Even when we're not arguing he's abrupt, cold, off hand and brittle with me. And he totally f*king ignores me if dd is about. I might as well be invisible.

well i remember threads from way back by minx where things were bad enough then,so its not improved,hence i think its run its course

last post was to junglist btw in response to her saying she was going by what minx says, but it might as well have been to everyone who's just said that because i haven't been abused (big assumption, btw) i can't comment. don't you SEE? that's my whole point about your projection. and the 'nonsense' was in direct response to thumbwitch's nonsensical point about my supposed tone btw.

you say he was abusive before, minx? how did you both get through that? and why (without even remotely saying that the burden is on your to leave)?

agree with bertie that a trial separation is a good idea, also yy that's right relate won't deal with abusive relationships.

the baby stage obv isn't a good one for your family
was he better as dd got older, after you came back?
it would be good to think there was something to save from your relationship but life sounds so miserable atm for you
fwiw I left when ds was 3 and dd about 6 months, ds was v much affected by what went on in our house at the time but is now happy and well adjusted
and it was hard initially but life is good nowadays

But it's not projection. Abusive behaviours such as withdrawing and shutting down are common. I said her twat reminded me of mine because of the behaviour. Not because I think they are the same person. And the tantrums are a common form of manipulation. Minx has 2 young children. I don't think she needs a big overgrown baby aswell.

right well if there's heaps of history here then that might have been worth mentioning, tbb, rather than letting people issue instructions to posters to leave the thread or call people bullies.

The thing is I'm not the sort of woman to put up with this shit. I'm usually quite headstrong and if things piss me off I'm off. I'm not a doormat, in previous relationships I ended things swiftly if I felt someone was being an arse.

That's hwy I'm so annoyed with myself. 2 dcs down the line and it's now them who's suffering/will suffer.

My Mum said when dd was w few months old I should levae him then rather than waiting until she's a toddler. She's nearly 4 now and Mum was right and it's going to screw her up.

She's desperate for us to be together, she's always telling him to hug me and kiss me, like a kind of reassurance. My poor beautiful dd, I love her so mush and she's got suh fuckwit parents.

what a crock. Other people have said try counselling, think about it etc. and they haven't ALL said leave him by any stretch. OTOH most of them have attempted to be supportive, some (including you) have preferred to suggest that the OP is at fault for the way she treats her H, implying at the same time that the response she got is what she should expect for the way she is treating him. NOT supportive, NOT challenging - merely undermining.

singe.....ME?? i neither called for ANYONE to leave the thread or called ANYONE a bully......please show mw where you think id did that??

and whilst you're looking for that,you might come across my post where i mentioned the HISTORY of this posters previous threads!!!!!!!!

I don't think anyone on here has suggested op is at fault

och, lots of kids do fine with fuckwittish parents... none of us gets it right all the time.

so why didn't you stay? why was he your best friend? if you look back pre-children was the dynamic always like this, but you didn't have such a demand on your time because you didn't have the children?

bullshit, thumbwitch. you're reading a lot of implication that isn't there. as a one off, someone responding badly to being spoken to like a recalcitrant child is quite understandable, and the rest could all easily follow from that not being sorted and aired. he offered to pay for some clothes, for example, and the op responded to this by telling him how unhappy she was at his earlier behaviour.

and tbb, i said 'letting people', not that you had done those things. when bof said go away, when thumbwitch rather remarkably said that anyone trying to be prudent and put another side was a bully, then might have been a good opportunity to clarify that there is shit-loads of history. not as much fun, though, as watchign someone walk into a bear-trap, is it?

If my DH fucked a bottle of water at me whi,le I was in bed at 5.30am because he couldn't cope with a routine I had organised for our children, I would have thrown him out.

It's all get a bit eerily Stepford Wives around here.

Best of luck OP. You know you can't let your DCs see this kind of shit. You'll sort it.

pre dcs we used to be quite fiery and argumentative but nothing at all like this. WE argued, we got over it, we apologised and we moved on.

There was none of the behaviour I get now, shoving ear plugs in deliberately so he can't hear me. Pulling duvets over his head (!) the tantrums if I ask him to do anything, boring ranting and listing of everytime he's done something at home just to convince me it's "fair". E.g well yesterday I got up, took the bin out, did x did y etc.etc.etc.

And he was kind, and we really really adored each other and stuck by each other and supported each other through absolutely everything. Now if I ask for a cuppa I get the strops and tantrums, literally. We've been going through extreme shit for so lone it's become dangerously normalised. But it's not normal. And i have no option to do something about it.

erm,my post at 23.07 .....said it there????

By ThreeBlondeBoys Sun 14-Mar-10 22:29:56
not from previous threads,no

and this in response to you saying junglist and i were 'projecting'

I actually look at the picture of us on the mantelpiece at our wedding and it honestly looks like different people. I almost don't believe it's us. Because we look genuinely happy and excited.

Time for chamomile tea and working out where to sleep.

ha - "prudent", was it. No. But I am not just talking about you, there were others. I am not continuing with this because Minx is getting some useful help from some people here and I don't want to detract from that for her - since it is HER thread about HER problems.

sure, you did. nothing before or since in a thread that's gone on for hours.

it's gone bad, minx, for sure. you hate him and he probably hates you too, that's incredibly sad. is it fatherhood, does he resent that? the responsibility?

i think it's incredibly easy with young children to get to the stage where you want to block the other person out, in a sense because ther eis so much noise from the children that any more yammer is deadly. it's something me and dh have to keep an eye on, just remembering to be kind to each other, iykwim? when kindness goes, everything else goes too, and it's so hard to get back to where you were especially if one or both parties is a sulker or prone to stubborness). you do sound utterly wiped out by it all, are you sure you can't go to your mum's? she's probably worried already, tbh.

Why are you looking for somewhere else to sleep? Honestly..

Tell him to kip where ever he likes but you want to sleep in your own bed without the threat of being assaulted tonight.

He's in our bed itsallabitnoisy and there's no way he'll budge. He does what he likes.

I'm scared of his irritability dittany the way he speaks to me because it makes me feel so anxious. I get a sick feeling in my stomach when i know I've got to ask him to do something, or if I'm trying to discuss something he's done/said that I think's unreasonable.

He's shoved me before but tbh I've slapped him round the face so I'm just as bad. And thrown things. Thats' when i had pnd. I don't do that no even when I feel that angry as I know it's wrong. I just take a fewminutes out and try not to shout.

Yes thread has gone on a while, not my fault if you didn't read it properly!!

I have stated 3 times and another poster also stated that there had been similiar threads before

no leading into bear pits by me!!

The children don't need parents at war. Staying with him will do more harm than good - for all involved.

No amount of material possession is worth the stress and heartache.

I hope you can find the strength to sort this situation, for you and your kids sake.