shit mothers day because of vile vile DH, he's surpassed himself this time

[minxofmancunia]

Started at 5.30 am when ds (6mo) woke up for the first time which for him is briiliant. Dh was supposed to be getting up with him, told me he'd be giving him milk to et him back to sleep again. I reminded him of what we'd discussed which was we'd try to settle him without milk, OR if he wouldn't and it was after about 5.30 we'd try not to give him milk straight away so as to restructure his feeds a bit (when he night feeds he won't drink anything all morning and it all goes wonky). I've worked f**king hard with ds at night trying to reverse it the correct way round and spent HOURS awake with him.

DH did his usual lost his temper chucked the bottle of cooled boiled water at me and told me to get up with him even though I was supposed to be having a lie-in. Cue explosive row, he enede up getting up with ds I just lay in bed crying. Got up myself at 8, more nastiness, supposed to be going to church as a family but took dd (3.5) on my own just to get away from him and his rants about how Mothers day is "pathetic" and why should he make an effort etc etc because he doesn't believe in it.

Aftre church had a meal out, couldn't eat much due to nasty atmosphere then more spite this pm, went out to get some new gym clothes, he offered to buy for me which I didn;t expect but half way there because I'd mentioned how unhappy I was with his behaviour turned the car round and refused to go, then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day, dd just looks really worried all the time because her Mummy is so sad .

I really really hate him , he's a f**kwit. This is pretty much the scenario every single weekend, he won;t go along with me about anything re parenting and just has these huge toddler type tantrums everytime I disagree with him. If I don;t apologise or give in to him he just makes threats e.g. if I'm meeting a friend he'll then refuse to do childcare last minute.

I'm no saint, I've said some horrible things to him too but he's a vile vile bully. The ONLY thing that keeps with with him is my gorgeous dcs and our beautiful house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own and just can't face the thought of leaving and starting again whilst he gets to keep the house.

I'm now beginning to feel permanently anxious when he's in the house as in sick with anxiety because of his temper. Yes I do "nag" him about housework but he's so shockingly messy and dirty I can't keep on top of it all and I get to the end of my teather with it.

He claims to still love me desperately but acts like he hates me, I don't think I love him anymore. He's a good Dad but a shit husband, and now he's got a hold on me because of money, I hate not being independent and not just being able to go.

He's beginning to alienate our friends too with his tempestous tantrummy little outbursts and his self-righteous rage and indignation. We're supposed to be going to centre Parsc in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it as I know he'll just kick off about ANY issue re parenting if we don't do it his (f**kwit no common sense) way.

Our arguments are going to wreck my dcs life. I was looking at the "are you 100% sure your partner would never cheat thread". I'm pretty sure he wouldn't but TBH I don't actually care if he did. I think that says it all really.

just be careful that you aren't both projecting here, that's all. this is all a bit 'leave him, he's a bastard' don't you think?

not from previous threads,no

why a "massive control freak"??? I was only reminding him of something we'd previously discussed and agreed on to try to improve things ffs. I wasn't lecturing, he just wanted to get him back down so he could go back to bed because he had 5 pints of lager last night .

I've looked after ds day and night virtually for 6 months including 4 and half months of exclusive bf hourly DAY AND NIGHT!!!. I think I've evry right to f**king advise on what he needs esp as it wasn't sprung on him. I've had less than 4 hours sleep a night for months, just trying to settle ds. It was one time he had to get up with him, because of Mothers Day, and he threw a tantrum.

But he is a bastard. Minx said so!
Seriously though, these are common behaviours among twats, not projecting.

Well, then, ask for it on the NHS. You may not get it in time to do anything for your relationship while together, but it might do something for the future.

and you're throwing a tantrum now. as you did earlier with moony. is this how you respond to him when he disagrees with you?

Minx, I understand about the house thing. When you are in this situation, the thought of leaving is so scary and huge and overwhelming that your brain seems to go into "survival mode" and come up with all the reasons why you should stay. Which is odd when you think about it because from a survival point of view, the best thing would be to leave - but if we could really see the reality of our day to day lives, we wouldn't be able to cope.

Honestly, a house is not worth this - yes, it will be sad to leave it, but you can start again and without the weight of this relationship around your neck, rebuilding your safe home space will seem less hard. And from a practical point of view, you should get more than 50% from the sale of the house because you need a bigger house than he does if you are housing the children as well.

I know it feels like a huge thing to do to leave - have you got any local support, friends, family etc? All I can offer is that it is worth it 1000x over. Yes it was hard to leave, but my life is unrecognisable now. I had forgotten how to be happy, and I hadn't even realised - now it comes naturally. DS is loads more settled and even XP seems happier, though he was not at first.

ChangesAhead I remember that feeling well. I used to think about my ex-bf I had before XP and feel sad, because that relationship was at least normal, despite the fact it was far from perfect.

Minx is angry at her situation. It's better she says what she wants on here than loses it with him at this point. When my ex pulled these strokes on me I'm ashamed to say I had much less control than Minx now. His behaviour must be SO frustrating, especially as she can't just walk out

Don't mean to patronise you Minx.

exactly my point LeSinge- which seems to have been ignored?? Neither of them are acting like adults and minx can't take any advice / criticism that she thinks is unwarranted which is part of the childish cycle that will screw her kids up.

Sorry, xposted a lot there - it took me about half an hour to write that.

Glad you have made a decision. It is a huge step - well done. I am a bit shocked at attitudes on this thread TBH - mumsnet is usually a lot more supportive. The behaviour described in the OP and further down the thread clearly sounds abusive, and even if it does not, if you are that unhappy, what is the point of staying?

So when did lecturing become OK?

I thought it was a sign that you were a massive control freak and deserved to be treated like shit?

moondog deserved to be told to fuck off, this thread is no place for trying to come over like a parenting guru.

The reason i got irate before is because the issue is not abou ds sleep/feed routines, I used that to put his behaviour in context. I KNEW someone would say it though, just to get their little piece in .

He disagreed with me this am at 5.30, i said "can we just have a quick caht about what we discussed a few days ago because I've been doing it this way and if you persevere with it it seems to work"

Him slammed, door, threw bottle and pulled duvet over his head, telling me to "f**king do it myself then". It's me who's up 95% of the time! I think my opinion on what works should be respected.

I'd love it if I had a "well he does most of the x, so i go along with his way of doing things" example to counteract this but I don't. I either do everything or have to ask treading on bloody eggshells everytime if he'll help me a bit.

There is always room to gently point out the other perspective to the OP, but bashing a poster who has written about how horribly unhappy she feels in the Relationships section (not AIBU) is totally unacceptable and downright rude and trollish. We are supposed to be making life easier for each other here, not sticking the boot into to somebody who is clearly upset. LeSinge, Munchkins etc, do back off and take your argybargy to another thread, please.

I'm irate about the feed/routines and patronising shit about how you need to listen to the people who know better and if you don't you are childish and deserve to be on the receiving end of thrown bottles and bullying and it's not my pain that's being belittled by a shower of bossybootses.

Thankyou BertieBotts that's kind of you. I posted in relationships for support not in AIBU for a reason.

FWIW when we've had blow outs before I've posted in AIBU to get an alternative opinion and because I've been questioning myself.

If I look at relationship threads I want to offer advice/empathise/suggest alternatives. If I have a strong opinion on something it would be in AIBU!

Relationships section (not Parenting or Sleep)

Thankyou also skidoodle and bitofun it's kind of you to say that.

I was dreading putting the bit in about ds because I knew some busybody would jump on it.

This really is such a horrible horrible day. I actually feel dizzy and disorientated from the anxiety of being in the same house as him and what I've got to do.

And guilty re dcs, really f**king guilty

Feel SICK, at least that's the last half stone of baby weight sorted. Ate less than half my meal at lunch today because felt so worried, and felt terrified I'd get it in the neck about that.

back off, bof. minxofmancunia has come on here and completely slated her dh but herself goes off the deep end any time someone says something she doesn't want to hear.

i personally htink that the unreflective kneejerk 'leave him, he's a bastard' response from women who have ditched their own bastards is profoundly dangerous and unhelpful.

fwiw, i think if, minx, you are asking yrou dh 'can we have a chat about' etc then that is a bit social workery or as if you are speaking to a child. but if you are treading on eggshells like you say i can see how that might evolve. however if someone did speak to me in that mimsy, therap-isy way i wouldn't like it, tbh.

obviously if she hates him, she should leave him and hang the house. but her hating him doesn't necessarily mean he's a through-and-through bastard.

my DH is pretty good really (so no projection in that department!), but from minx's description huge alarms bells are ringing for me - in terms of living on eggshells, constantly apologising etc. I suspect that minx is coming over a bit strident about feeding because of sleep deprivation.

Minx - yes, definitely think you should see about some sort of relationship counselling, probably on your own - as if you get to the point where you think your other half is a vile bully, something is very wrong.

Try and get some rest, minx- you sound exhausted. It won't always be this bad, honestly. I will put my thinking cap on and try to come up with some constructive suggestions tomorrow...if you want, you can CAT me and I'll try and find out what's available in terms of free counselling etc in your area.

lesinge I've tried every which way of discussing things so they sound respectful and non patronising. I've tried being direct, I've tried being "fuffY" I've tried "if it's not too much trouble would it be possible" etc.etc.

Sorry if my "therapy" style speak offends you (I am a therapist btw and a mental health nurse).

I'm having a really shit time, if it wasn't for dcs I don't know what I'd do . My life as I know it, although shit, is about to change to more shit and you're not being helpful. Others have disagreed with me and I can see their point, the tone and the way you phrase your posts is coming across as a bit nasty.

But would would I know, my marriage is ending so of course i should be calm and rational,

What's dangerous is being with someone who throws stuff at you like a two year old.
Women who have experienced abuse recognise abusers. The reason OP's "man" reminds me of mine is because they are both abusers

i dont see her going off the deep end though...maybe answering and explaining,and standing up for herself

we dont have his version of events,but i remember threads from last year about this man

like i said,he isnt going to change anytime soon....but the op has the option to. we all know we cant change another person etc.

and as for us posters saying leave,yes,thats because we recognise how she's feeling and we know how much better her life could be.
its a short life we live isnt it??

at the end of the day its an internet forum,op can take what she likes from it,what she does will be her own decision