Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

shit mothers day because of vile vile DH, he's surpassed himself this time

223 replies

minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 19:34

Started at 5.30 am when ds (6mo) woke up for the first time which for him is briiliant. Dh was supposed to be getting up with him, told me he'd be giving him milk to et him back to sleep again. I reminded him of what we'd discussed which was we'd try to settle him without milk, OR if he wouldn't and it was after about 5.30 we'd try not to give him milk straight away so as to restructure his feeds a bit (when he night feeds he won't drink anything all morning and it all goes wonky). I've worked f**king hard with ds at night trying to reverse it the correct way round and spent HOURS awake with him.

DH did his usual lost his temper chucked the bottle of cooled boiled water at me and told me to get up with him even though I was supposed to be having a lie-in. Cue explosive row, he enede up getting up with ds I just lay in bed crying. Got up myself at 8, more nastiness, supposed to be going to church as a family but took dd (3.5) on my own just to get away from him and his rants about how Mothers day is "pathetic" and why should he make an effort etc etc because he doesn't believe in it.

Aftre church had a meal out, couldn't eat much due to nasty atmosphere then more spite this pm, went out to get some new gym clothes, he offered to buy for me which I didn;t expect but half way there because I'd mentioned how unhappy I was with his behaviour turned the car round and refused to go, then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day, dd just looks really worried all the time because her Mummy is so sad .

I really really hate him , he's a f**kwit. This is pretty much the scenario every single weekend, he won;t go along with me about anything re parenting and just has these huge toddler type tantrums everytime I disagree with him. If I don;t apologise or give in to him he just makes threats e.g. if I'm meeting a friend he'll then refuse to do childcare last minute.

I'm no saint, I've said some horrible things to him too but he's a vile vile bully. The ONLY thing that keeps with with him is my gorgeous dcs and our beautiful house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own and just can't face the thought of leaving and starting again whilst he gets to keep the house.

I'm now beginning to feel permanently anxious when he's in the house as in sick with anxiety because of his temper. Yes I do "nag" him about housework but he's so shockingly messy and dirty I can't keep on top of it all and I get to the end of my teather with it.

He claims to still love me desperately but acts like he hates me, I don't think I love him anymore. He's a good Dad but a shit husband, and now he's got a hold on me because of money, I hate not being independent and not just being able to go.

He's beginning to alienate our friends too with his tempestous tantrummy little outbursts and his self-righteous rage and indignation. We're supposed to be going to centre Parsc in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it as I know he'll just kick off about ANY issue re parenting if we don't do it his (f**kwit no common sense) way.

Our arguments are going to wreck my dcs life. I was looking at the "are you 100% sure your partner would never cheat thread". I'm pretty sure he wouldn't but TBH I don't actually care if he did. I think that says it all really.

OP posts:
Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 23:10

bitofun I don't know where to sleep .

I can't bear to share the bed with him, I could go in with ds but then I'll be up all night because he's such a noisy sleeper.

No spare room so that leaves the sofa, I'm a shit sleeper at the best of times (am being treated for chronic insomnia) I can just see a night of horrible racing thoughts ahead of me and a day tomorrow of looking after both dcs trying to be positive but barely functioning.

Do have friends near but would never tell them. I'm too proud and don't like to lean on people. i'd rather just tell them we've split when it's a done deal and I've got my own place.

OP posts:
LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 14/03/2010 23:12

it isn't meant nastily, i can assure you. i just worry for women on these threads who complain about their husbands and get the kneejerk 'leave him' response.

no need to apologise to me for the therapy-speak, you didn't do it to me. (quite the opposite, lol, you came down on me like a ton of bricks). su said that you seem to be treating him like a child and it struck me that you sounded like you were dealing with a naughty patient who you wanted to get back on to your way of thinking. of course i didn't know that you were a therapist at that point, which is interesting don't you think?

anyway, i'm sorry that your marriage is ending, that is a sad thing, and i hope that you and your children will be able to move on from it successfully and that they won't be negatively affected by your toxic relationship.

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/03/2010 23:13

Minx, so very sorry to hear the misery in your household continues. All I can say is calm down before you choose a course of action. Take it slowly. You will be fine. Get yourself detached, keep cool, think of yourself as a separate entity from your h, try to live as though you were alone. See if it really is what you want.

BitOfFun · 14/03/2010 23:14

Oh lovie- just put a mental bubble around yourself and get into bed. You need the sleep, and it will look a bit better in the morning if you've managed to get some rest. Have you got any camomile tea or something so you can try to wind down?

bibbitybobbityhat · 14/03/2010 23:14

Minxy - temazepam is great for insomnia .

thumbwitch · 14/03/2010 23:20

minx, for you, and at some of the posters who seem to want to blame you for yor H's bullying. Tbh, that makes them bullies as well imo - kicking you when you're down and trying to make you realise that it really IS your fault, not that "poor" man who has to put up with your controlling ways.

While I have no doubt that you are not perfect and that relationship issues are usually not completely one-sided, your H is showing really crap behaviour. If you and your DD are spending all your time walking on eggshells or apologising for any step out of line, then I think you would be better off out of it.

I had a BF a bit like this (I remember him insisting on getting out of the car on the motorway hard shoulder once! He threatened to punch me if I didn't pull over) and I can safely say it was the worst 12m of my life - being with someone who claims that they love you but who spends all their time belittling you, putting you down, making you feel like everything is your fault, you have to apologise all the time even when you didn't do anything wrong - I thought I would never give in to that sort of behaviour and I was at how easy it was to get beaten down by it. Thank GOD he found someone else to play his evil mind games on - I was let off the hook eventually.

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 23:20

I've asked him to sleep on the sofa as I'm getting up with ds in the night and don't want to be up and down the stairs. he's refused and gone to bed.

I feel like such a f**king idiot. And poor dd will wake up in the morning again not knowing who's in which bed where.

He never used to be like this 10 years ago when I met him, he was my best friend, and now that's all gone .

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 14/03/2010 23:22

I wouldn't rush into leaving him tbh. Why not try some counselling etc first?

Kitkatqueen · 14/03/2010 23:22

Sorry you've had such a shit day minx, no advice, just to say hope you have a good night sleep.

LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 14/03/2010 23:22

is that me who's a bully, thumbwitch?

i hope you can resolve this, minx. when did he stop being your best friend, do you think?

thumbwitch · 14/03/2010 23:25

well tbh Singe, I x-posted with your last, infinitely kinder post, but yes, your previous had been showing strong bullying tendencies, IMO.

GypsyMoth · 14/03/2010 23:25

i think op has already said they cant afford conselling....and would a man who makes her apologixse 3 times before he's satisfied with said apolog,agree to go to counselling??

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 23:27

quattro he doesn't think he does anything wrong, there's only a point if you can see that something needs changing. He thinks it's all me.

I know from my own work you can't force therapy on someone, it's like when teachers insist i see a child for "anger management" who clearly doesn't want to be in my office talking to me and just stares at the wall. It's not going to happen.

Thank you everyone very much for all the support and advice. I'm going to try to read for a bit now to calm my thoughts down and maybe see if there's flat i could rent nearby.

If push comes to shove I can stay with my parents for a bit but they live an hours drive away and I don't want to stress them out. They get really worried, it's not fair on them.

And my Mum was right all along, she's tried to keep it to herself but I know what she thinks of him, and she's right.

OP posts:
LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 14/03/2010 23:28

what absolute rubbish, thumbwitch. unquestioning support is bogus and achieves little other than leaving the 'supporter' feeling good about themselves. minxofmancunia knows, particularly given her profession, that sitting around going 'oh yes, you're totally right about everything' while projecting your own issues is highly irresponsible.

junglist1 · 14/03/2010 23:28

And forget worrying about women being advised to leave abusive husbands. What's that all about? Don't tell me I'm giving kneejerk responses. I've gone by what minx has said.

junglist1 · 14/03/2010 23:31

Unquestionning support of abused women is NEEDED. Not bogus. You are irresponsible because you've got no experience of abuse obviously and are on here telling people what their responses are according to you. The inexperienced one

ninah · 14/03/2010 23:32

can't you stay in the house minx and ask him to leave? bit more stability for you and dc while things get sorted
or would he refuse
it does seem that the relationship has pretty much broken down

toothgenie · 14/03/2010 23:33

I left my H, taking my 9mth old and 3.5 yr old with me. I had nothing when I left but I was able to get back my self respect and my dd's didn't see their father speaking to me in a threatening and controlling manner. That was 7 yrs ago now and we're fine finacially. They have seen him regularly since then. It's been hard but I don't regret a moment. They haven't been brought up in a toxic enviroment and they are well adjusted. For my part I have made sure that they were kept out of the crossfire.
It's not the lack of money thats the issue here. I'm not urging you to leave merely, saying it can be done with little money and a lot of determination.

thumbwitch · 14/03/2010 23:34

while you telling her that she is clearly in the wrong is oh-so-helpful, is it Singe? No. It isn't. And you don't get away with telling me I'm talking utter rubbish either - been in the situation yourself, have you?

Original poster
minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 23:35

I'm not at work though lesinge I'm more angry and unhappy than I've ever been in my life. I don't give a shit about projection and all of that right now. It's good to hear peoples experiences and that they've got through it. I don't want therapy speak right now, I couldn't handle it!

He stopped being my best frend when I got pg with dd, whilst using contraception that failed. We didn't even know if we were going to have any children, it was a pretty dark time and he became drunk abusive and hostile.

We were a brilliant party, sociable, exciting having fun couple.

But we're a shit responsibility, commitments, the realities of family life couple. We just aren't working in this world.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 14/03/2010 23:37

Go thumbwitch

Quattrocento · 14/03/2010 23:37

I know what you mean about the leading-a-horse-to-water thing

But if it's a choice between saving his marriage and not, would he not try? And once there, he might co-operate. If he doesn't co-operate then all bets are off, of course, but if he does, then you can all only gain.

On the cost point, counselling is an awful lot cheaper than divorce.

You are both clearly very stubborn people. Stubborn is a pretty good quality when you're facing the same way. Pretty bad when you're both head on against each other though.

If nothing else, don't rush into things. Plan a campaign by all means, but just make sure that you don't do anything for a week or so, to make sure it's the right choice for you and you're not leaving over a spat.

Good luck

GypsyMoth · 14/03/2010 23:37

i'm not talking utter rubbish or having a knee jerk reaction either singe.....

the poster has already expressed doubts about staying in this,its HELPFUL to tell her how its hard now,but so much better at the other end!

LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 14/03/2010 23:38

so have i, and yet our reading of the situation seems quite different. (although i'm not allowed to express mine without getting told off). do you see? if the only opinion allowed is 'leave him, he's a bastard' without any explanation of how things came to be this way, it's no sort of support.

minx is by her own admission suffering from chronic insomnia, and god knows she sounds exhausted, bfing a six month old and looking after a three year old is HARD enough even when you are sleeping properly.

BertieBotts · 14/03/2010 23:41

Counselling is a bad idea if there is an element of abuse in the relationship. Relate for example will not see a couple if there are any suspicions of abuse from either side.

And I stand by what I said earlier, even if there was not abuse in this relationship (which I do think there is from descriptions) it sounds like the marriage is over and at the very least, a trial separation would help the OP see things more clearly.