shit mothers day because of vile vile DH, he's surpassed himself this time

[minxofmancunia]

Started at 5.30 am when ds (6mo) woke up for the first time which for him is briiliant. Dh was supposed to be getting up with him, told me he'd be giving him milk to et him back to sleep again. I reminded him of what we'd discussed which was we'd try to settle him without milk, OR if he wouldn't and it was after about 5.30 we'd try not to give him milk straight away so as to restructure his feeds a bit (when he night feeds he won't drink anything all morning and it all goes wonky). I've worked f**king hard with ds at night trying to reverse it the correct way round and spent HOURS awake with him.

DH did his usual lost his temper chucked the bottle of cooled boiled water at me and told me to get up with him even though I was supposed to be having a lie-in. Cue explosive row, he enede up getting up with ds I just lay in bed crying. Got up myself at 8, more nastiness, supposed to be going to church as a family but took dd (3.5) on my own just to get away from him and his rants about how Mothers day is "pathetic" and why should he make an effort etc etc because he doesn't believe in it.

Aftre church had a meal out, couldn't eat much due to nasty atmosphere then more spite this pm, went out to get some new gym clothes, he offered to buy for me which I didn;t expect but half way there because I'd mentioned how unhappy I was with his behaviour turned the car round and refused to go, then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day, dd just looks really worried all the time because her Mummy is so sad .

I really really hate him , he's a f**kwit. This is pretty much the scenario every single weekend, he won;t go along with me about anything re parenting and just has these huge toddler type tantrums everytime I disagree with him. If I don;t apologise or give in to him he just makes threats e.g. if I'm meeting a friend he'll then refuse to do childcare last minute.

I'm no saint, I've said some horrible things to him too but he's a vile vile bully. The ONLY thing that keeps with with him is my gorgeous dcs and our beautiful house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own and just can't face the thought of leaving and starting again whilst he gets to keep the house.

I'm now beginning to feel permanently anxious when he's in the house as in sick with anxiety because of his temper. Yes I do "nag" him about housework but he's so shockingly messy and dirty I can't keep on top of it all and I get to the end of my teather with it.

He claims to still love me desperately but acts like he hates me, I don't think I love him anymore. He's a good Dad but a shit husband, and now he's got a hold on me because of money, I hate not being independent and not just being able to go.

He's beginning to alienate our friends too with his tempestous tantrummy little outbursts and his self-righteous rage and indignation. We're supposed to be going to centre Parsc in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it as I know he'll just kick off about ANY issue re parenting if we don't do it his (f**kwit no common sense) way.

Our arguments are going to wreck my dcs life. I was looking at the "are you 100% sure your partner would never cheat thread". I'm pretty sure he wouldn't but TBH I don't actually care if he did. I think that says it all really.

If the enormity of leaving is too much, start planning it in your head whilst knowing that it may take you time to sort thru.' Go on Wikidivorce to find the info you need. You might get some strength from knowing you're planning your escape and will be ready for the shit he's likely to give you when the time comes.

If you do search sites, clear your history every time.

Hope you get some sleep.

I think initially I just need somewhere to stay so will try to rent a cheap 2 bed flat somewhere nearish for me and dcs.

Money is what;s stopping me. I'm just on statutory maternity pay at present and I need £1,200 for deposit and 1 months rent so will have to do a loan, no way round it.

then I need childcare for ds from June if I start back at work early (was supposed to be sept but need the cash obviously) 4 days a week. He has a nursery place from sept for 3 days a week.

So tomorrow will be spent getting a loan, a flat and a childminder. Daunting but it has to be done.

I can hear him f**king snoring through the ceiling now, bastard.

I'm glad you can see a way forward. Good luck tomorrow.

I'm an excellent Googler, if you want me to look at property sites and compile a list of 2 beds, I wouldn't mind. (Would need to find some obscure email addy first)

Please, don't be too proud to ask for help. My mum always disliked my ex, and I felt embarrassed to ask for her support when I left, but I am so glad that I did. I naturally try to 'cope' and not impose on people, but just sometimes it can actually restore your sense of being a person that matters to someone to ask for help and accept a little bit of being looked after. Recently I've been having difficulties in my life (not relationship ones) which I was hiding, but the relief that I felt when I asked for a bit of help from my friends was huge, and their response has made all the difference. Likewise with my mum: she really came through for me when I split up from dd2's dad. I suspect yours would help you in a heartbeat, and be devastated to think you'd felt you couldn't talk to her.

Please don't think of it as 11 years down the pan! You have 2 beautiful children, who would not be here if not for those 11 yrs!

I was going to say what BoF said as well about please at least ask your mum - there is a big element of cutting your nose off to spite your face by insisting on doing it the hard way if there are people who could and probably would help, if you would only tell them and ask for it. Independence is all very well but help makes all the difference sometimes.

I've got about half way through and can't cope reading anyone else justifying abuse!

Minx, you have done NOTHING wrong and even if you had it would NEVER justify his behaviour!

I have been with a similar man. I used to do party plan and he would do this on the way to a party, by the time we got there I was shaking and he was happy, I'd struggle through the party and he'd pick me up in a good mood! Tantrums all the time!

I am also having similar discussions with my OH. He works away so I'm the one who builds routine and gets it all sussed out. I'm trying to get my 14 month old to spend more time in the cot at night because I'm starting to get tired (from someone who needs 3-6 hours sleep) so I try to wait till Baby is asleep, gentle finger in the mouth and into cot. When he's there I ask him to put Baby down. He cannot settle kids then tries to get into bed with Baby on his chest, totally defeats the object! Then we row because I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces when he's gone. Same with Toddler who expects to sleep on the sofa bed, with a DVD and one of us there too! Again not practical when I'm alone! So we're getting the same rows where he thinks I'm just stopping him from seeing to his children but he is not making things better! However, after all that, he does not treat me like your DH (in my family that meant something different when I left my XH) or my XH.

How would you feel if this was your DD in this situation? Or mum/sister/aunt/cousin/best friend?

Please don't fall into the trap of believing you are to blame, it's how abuse survives it's the food to an unhealthy relationship. You are not in control of his actions and no one deserves that sort of treatment.

Oh also speak to your local Sure Start, they can be really useful.

minx - I've been stalking trying to find you again for a couple of weeks because I left some advice for you on an old AIBU thread (the Parenting Pet Peeves one) about a tip that might help your toddler with night waking. Will try and link it.

Apologies if you've already seen it and it didn't work or something.

Sorry that things are so crappy at the moment. Good advice on hers

Page 18 !

"here", not "hers"

BTW - have now read the whole of this thread - re: your husband. He sounds very hard to live with. No projection from me, either : I've (luckily) not ever had to tread on egg shells in my relationship.

Well, he overreacted, but what about you?!

If you have a lie-in, for heavens sake have a lie-in and don´t boss your DH from the sidelines, telling him he is doing it all wrong.

You say you don´t see why he doesn´t fit in with YOUR ideas of child care, why should YOU be the one deciding how it´s done? Why not decide together?

I am afraid I think you sound like a mayor grudge bearer, and a controll freak.

I don´t know how I´d settle a baby at that time of mornig withour a bottle, bit of tall order?! Try phasing out the night feeds rather than the morning ones.

Sorry, but you are both to blame. Equally.

You're not just as bad because you lashed out either. I've slapped my ex after listening to vile abuse for hours and hours. I'm not sorry for that and don't anyone dare tell me that's just as abusive. I was aggressive because of the relationship, because people will snap when treated badly day in day out.
You are not on his level, your anger is normal, a reaction to the shit he's putting you through.

Someone else excusing away abuse. There is never a good reason for it! I bet anyone being treated like that would post themselves in a negative light because they're made to feel it's their own fault!Then WOMEN tell you how terrible you are!

check with your council if they do a deposit loan scheme minx.

he sounds like a lazy cunt, who stamps his feet to NOT do anything.

We have a toddler and a small baby. At night dh deals with dd1 and I deal with dd2.

If ever I was going to attend to dd1 in the night and dh gave me advice about how best to deal with her I would listen and do what he suggested because
1 he knows better than I
2 he normally deals with her when she wakes and I wouldn't want to upset his way of doing things

I would expect the same respect if he were to attend to the baby.

I would not expect either of us to shout, insist we knew best and would be horrified if anyone started throwing things at the other.

There is nothing remotely control-freaky about trying to have a consistent approach, and that necessitates the person who does most night duty clueing the other person in. Reacting to that with rage and violence is more than just an "overreaction".

I'm disgusted at some of the responses to this thread. Even if the op is a control freak (and I see little in this thread to indicate that she is) she does not deserve to have things thrown at her for reminding her husband how she's trying to deal with their baby at night.

This man was meant to be getting up to give her a rare break for mother's day. When you are taking over somebody else's work to give them a break you do it their way. You don't have a tantrum and fling things at them because you want to do it your own way at their later expense.

Hope you have a better day today minx. Agree with dittany, junglist etc about it's him being the one massively at fault.

Minx get OUT. Even though it looks daunting now, in a couple of years you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. This is probably the best it's going to get with you and dh; is it what you want to put up with for the rest of your life? If not, every day you're still with him is a day of your life that you're unhappy. This is a perfect time to go and stay with your parents, you don't have work commitments so you can be an hour away. Take the dc with you and go to stay with your parents for a bit.

And ignore singe and chandon, they are pompous and unhelpful.

I haven't read all the responses just your original one. So apologies if anything else has been said already. I think it maybe worth doing some marriage counseling with Relate to see if it helps you both. Worth a try before giving up?

However if you do just want to leave him, you won't loose your house and be destitute! As you're the main care giver, in divorce proceedings they would ensure you got the house, you would probably be eligible as a lone parent to benefits I suspect as well. Also in the divorce courts they would ensure you and children were provided for. Don't stay with him as you're scared about money and housing as you would be taken care of in divorce with young children.

I went to a solicitor only a week ago as my marriage is also in a bad place for different reasons. It brought me a lot of peace meeting a solicitor and them telling me how it worked etc. Maybe you should consider doing the same if it helps you too?

I do think if he is open to it, marriage counseling is a good place to start but as I haven't read the whole thread I maybe barking up the wrong tree though...

Good morning everyone, thank you so much for all the support.

Slept on the futon bed in ds room last night as couldn't face sofa. Slept ok in the end, had a dream about the bloke I used to fancy at school coming to find me and taking me on holiday!!?

Anyway ds woke for the first time at 6.30am gurgled and cooed happily in his cot for half an hour and downed a 7oz bottle at 7.00am. Has had his breakfast porridge and is now ready for his nap. This is after doing things my way over the previous few nights. I KNEW this would happen because I know him best, and I've gently and persistently tried to reverse the night for day pattenr of feeds for weeks now, not thru cc or cio but other perisitent, firm, gentle methods. And like he has when I've done this before he's slept through.

had wedone it dhs way ie full bottle in the early hours then straight back sleep he'd be refusing milk/food all am and screaming his head off about going down for a nap. NOT control freakery, knowledeg of him and his routines and common sense. So all of those who've said it's a disaster etc etc trying to do this can kindly fuck off. Not to say he'll do the same tonight but at least we're getting somewhere, relatively painlessly (for him !).

I got about 5 hours sleep which is good for me.

Dh came in this morning at 6.30am full of contrition and apologies. Brought me a cup of tea, put some bread in the bread maker for me, wnet to the car and unloadedall the stuff I needed for the day and went to the bloody garage to get me 4 pints of milk as we were running low, all before going to work!!

This is fairly typical after a bad "do". I know this model behaviour will continue for a while but I won't ba bale to address any issues with him directly as the strops will start again, sigh.

I didn't get woken by ds but dd woke him at 5am because she'd lost her comfort toy (just deserts emoticon).

Thank you Custardo for mentioning loan deposit scheme will look into it.

Oh and he's also going to leave work early to rake all the dead leaves up and sort out the garden .