Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

shit mothers day because of vile vile DH, he's surpassed himself this time

223 replies

minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 19:34

Started at 5.30 am when ds (6mo) woke up for the first time which for him is briiliant. Dh was supposed to be getting up with him, told me he'd be giving him milk to et him back to sleep again. I reminded him of what we'd discussed which was we'd try to settle him without milk, OR if he wouldn't and it was after about 5.30 we'd try not to give him milk straight away so as to restructure his feeds a bit (when he night feeds he won't drink anything all morning and it all goes wonky). I've worked f**king hard with ds at night trying to reverse it the correct way round and spent HOURS awake with him.

DH did his usual lost his temper chucked the bottle of cooled boiled water at me and told me to get up with him even though I was supposed to be having a lie-in. Cue explosive row, he enede up getting up with ds I just lay in bed crying. Got up myself at 8, more nastiness, supposed to be going to church as a family but took dd (3.5) on my own just to get away from him and his rants about how Mothers day is "pathetic" and why should he make an effort etc etc because he doesn't believe in it.

Aftre church had a meal out, couldn't eat much due to nasty atmosphere then more spite this pm, went out to get some new gym clothes, he offered to buy for me which I didn;t expect but half way there because I'd mentioned how unhappy I was with his behaviour turned the car round and refused to go, then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day, dd just looks really worried all the time because her Mummy is so sad .

I really really hate him , he's a f**kwit. This is pretty much the scenario every single weekend, he won;t go along with me about anything re parenting and just has these huge toddler type tantrums everytime I disagree with him. If I don;t apologise or give in to him he just makes threats e.g. if I'm meeting a friend he'll then refuse to do childcare last minute.

I'm no saint, I've said some horrible things to him too but he's a vile vile bully. The ONLY thing that keeps with with him is my gorgeous dcs and our beautiful house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own and just can't face the thought of leaving and starting again whilst he gets to keep the house.

I'm now beginning to feel permanently anxious when he's in the house as in sick with anxiety because of his temper. Yes I do "nag" him about housework but he's so shockingly messy and dirty I can't keep on top of it all and I get to the end of my teather with it.

He claims to still love me desperately but acts like he hates me, I don't think I love him anymore. He's a good Dad but a shit husband, and now he's got a hold on me because of money, I hate not being independent and not just being able to go.

He's beginning to alienate our friends too with his tempestous tantrummy little outbursts and his self-righteous rage and indignation. We're supposed to be going to centre Parsc in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it as I know he'll just kick off about ANY issue re parenting if we don't do it his (f**kwit no common sense) way.

Our arguments are going to wreck my dcs life. I was looking at the "are you 100% sure your partner would never cheat thread". I'm pretty sure he wouldn't but TBH I don't actually care if he did. I think that says it all really.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 14/03/2010 20:01

"then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted."

He did this in front of your children?

He forced you to apologise three times using exactly the wording he specified while your children watched?

Please get away from him. It is extremely damaging to your children to witness scenes like this.

He throws things at you and shouts at you. No house is worth living with that. And your children are a reason to leave, not a reason to stay. This is not good for them.

I'm truly shocked that there are people that think there are faults on both sides when his behaviour is so unambiguously abusive. I'm sure you have your faults, but nobody deserves to be treated like this.

minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 20:03

funnily enough moondog I'm actually agreeing with all the advice and observation on here apart from yours

So no I don't jump like that at every suggestion. Your snidiness is not helpful.

All other posters are.

OP posts:
FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 14/03/2010 20:03

Steady on, moondog is trying to help.

Every child is different and you shouldn't assume your son will be the same as your daughter.

WhoIsAsking · 14/03/2010 20:04

Yes Skidoodle.

Quite a shocking thread.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2010 20:06

minxy, I agree with skidoodle

you are in a toxic relationship

I have seen some of your other threads about him

why wouldn't you get the house ? Have you got some advice about where you stand wrt to the house and otherwise financially?

GypsyMoth · 14/03/2010 20:06

How is he with the dc Minx?

LadyintheRadiator · 14/03/2010 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 14/03/2010 20:11

Why worry about a house?? Material items are no use......not when you are in this situation. Can you get some legal advice over money/assets?

minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 20:11

I'm not trying to get him to sleep through just take some feeds in the day instead of all at night.

he's v good with dcs doesn't lose patience with them and is v calm and understanding.

OP posts:
junglist1 · 14/03/2010 20:12

I know you say you're both controlling. But do you think you'd be more relaxed if he treated you well?

princessmel · 14/03/2010 20:13

agree with moony.

skidoodle · 14/03/2010 20:13

moondog's point is irrelevant.

How this woman chooses to deal with a baby that doesn't sleep well at night is not really the point here, is it?

Jesus only on fucking Mumsnet could trying to get your baby to sleep at night be used to explain away domestic abuse.

If there's one thing we hate more than abusive spouses it's routines hmm]

belgo · 14/03/2010 20:14

I started reading the OP thinking 'yet another complaint about not getting a lie-in' and ridiculously huge expectations about one supposedly 'special' day, putting pressure on everyone to act a certain way and that is only a recipe for arguments.

But reading further on, this doesn't seem to be about Mother's Day. There are obviously huge problems in your relationship,damage that has already been done leaving you bitter and feeling trapped, and not even sure if you love him any more.

You do need counselling. Whether on you own (this can be better) or as a couple you need to work out exactly what the problems are and exactly how and why you are feeling and reacting in the way you do. Counselling and therapy can really help to either save your marriage or help you see that you do have a way out of the marriage.

Hope you get help soon.

LadyintheRadiator · 14/03/2010 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninah · 14/03/2010 20:15

If he is looking after ds let him do it his way, if you do split up you will have to trust him to do his best anyway
It sounds like you are so unhappy together you should seriously consider calling it a day

LadyintheRadiator · 14/03/2010 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsruffallo · 14/03/2010 20:18

No, he's not good with the children if he talks to their mother like this in front of them.

Be easy on moondog-she was only trying to help

You both sound very unhappy, but I don't believe that anyone would only stay for the house

skidoodle · 14/03/2010 20:19

People are reading a post about a man that throws things at his wife and bullies her in front of their children and the thing they're taking away from it and focusing on is that she's trying to get her son to sleep at night.

It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking pathetic.

Nemofish · 14/03/2010 20:20

Sweetie no house can be that fucking nice that I'd choose to stay in it and sacrifice my mental health, that of my children and any hope for a happy future that we may have.

I feel glad I have my dh, he is not perfect (think aging punk stoner with an aversion to diy and ironing) but we did 50 / 50 as much as poss with dd, backed each other up, decided parenting ishoos together and he has never, ever screamed at me, talked to me like shit, manipulated me, 'punished' me for disagreeing, or told me what to do.

He did raise his voice to me. Once. Briefly. We were both under huge stress, it was years ago, has never happened since. If he ever did it again, I would raise one eyebrow and that would stop him in his tracks. That is the way it should be, not an endless tale of fuckwittery and misery.

I'm afriad I couldn't give a flying shite if he is patient and calm with dc's, he makes up for it in other ways by being an arsehole to their mother.

mrsruffallo · 14/03/2010 20:21

It's not pathetic. It's the kind of thing that can drive a wedge between you.
5.30 in the morning is so hard

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2010 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nemofish · 14/03/2010 20:22

Sorry OP not angry at you, angry at your H.

minxofmancunia · 14/03/2010 20:40

Yes madamdeathstare marriage deteriorated rapidly the year after dd was born then got better from about when she was 18 months old, so decide to have another baby and...history repeats itself.

I definitely think I'm at fault too skidoodle although thanks for your support, it's much appreciated.

dd wasn't in the car, she was at a friends and ds was asleep in his car seat.

OP posts:
taffetacat · 14/03/2010 20:46

minx - so sorry you are having such a bad time.

Megletwantsittobesummer · 14/03/2010 20:48

Bloody hell. Your DH is a prize twunt. Sounds a little like my XP. Personally I would be off to a solicitor, I doubt counselling would make any difference to him.

And FWIW I can't see how you are at fault. So you might have yelled at him a few times, but from the sounds of it he has been truly awful to you and treated you like crap.