shit mothers day because of vile vile DH, he's surpassed himself this time

[minxofmancunia]

Started at 5.30 am when ds (6mo) woke up for the first time which for him is briiliant. Dh was supposed to be getting up with him, told me he'd be giving him milk to et him back to sleep again. I reminded him of what we'd discussed which was we'd try to settle him without milk, OR if he wouldn't and it was after about 5.30 we'd try not to give him milk straight away so as to restructure his feeds a bit (when he night feeds he won't drink anything all morning and it all goes wonky). I've worked f**king hard with ds at night trying to reverse it the correct way round and spent HOURS awake with him.

DH did his usual lost his temper chucked the bottle of cooled boiled water at me and told me to get up with him even though I was supposed to be having a lie-in. Cue explosive row, he enede up getting up with ds I just lay in bed crying. Got up myself at 8, more nastiness, supposed to be going to church as a family but took dd (3.5) on my own just to get away from him and his rants about how Mothers day is "pathetic" and why should he make an effort etc etc because he doesn't believe in it.

Aftre church had a meal out, couldn't eat much due to nasty atmosphere then more spite this pm, went out to get some new gym clothes, he offered to buy for me which I didn;t expect but half way there because I'd mentioned how unhappy I was with his behaviour turned the car round and refused to go, then froced me to apologise and then did it twice more just because i wasn't saying exactly what he wanted.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day, dd just looks really worried all the time because her Mummy is so sad .

I really really hate him , he's a f**kwit. This is pretty much the scenario every single weekend, he won;t go along with me about anything re parenting and just has these huge toddler type tantrums everytime I disagree with him. If I don;t apologise or give in to him he just makes threats e.g. if I'm meeting a friend he'll then refuse to do childcare last minute.

I'm no saint, I've said some horrible things to him too but he's a vile vile bully. The ONLY thing that keeps with with him is my gorgeous dcs and our beautiful house. I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own and just can't face the thought of leaving and starting again whilst he gets to keep the house.

I'm now beginning to feel permanently anxious when he's in the house as in sick with anxiety because of his temper. Yes I do "nag" him about housework but he's so shockingly messy and dirty I can't keep on top of it all and I get to the end of my teather with it.

He claims to still love me desperately but acts like he hates me, I don't think I love him anymore. He's a good Dad but a shit husband, and now he's got a hold on me because of money, I hate not being independent and not just being able to go.

He's beginning to alienate our friends too with his tempestous tantrummy little outbursts and his self-righteous rage and indignation. We're supposed to be going to centre Parsc in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it as I know he'll just kick off about ANY issue re parenting if we don't do it his (f**kwit no common sense) way.

Our arguments are going to wreck my dcs life. I was looking at the "are you 100% sure your partner would never cheat thread". I'm pretty sure he wouldn't but TBH I don't actually care if he did. I think that says it all really.

Oh, I couldn't tolerate a grown person throwing tantrums like this. No wonder you feel, at best, ambivalent about him. You might like your house, but its just a house. Staying in a destructive relationship, where your children watch their father being a bully and their mother pacifying him, isn't worth the Taj Mahal.

I'm in two minds about this.

Yes of course he was unreasonable and out of order.

But you also DO sound like you want to impose YOUR rules about the dc all the time.

I see my SIL do this with BIL and it is horrible to watch him being "told off" for not doing things HER way.

YOu say you "discussed" this - are you sure it was a discussion or was it YOU saying what YOU wanted to do (am guilty of this myself).

You definitely need to find a way to start being nicer to each other, I know first hand how hard the first 18mths or so can be.

Good luck.

A man who treats his wife with open contempt can't be a good father, no matter how much he plays with them, so you're right, something needs to change.

If you get some legal advice (CAB) about finances re separation/divorce, it means any decision - to stay/to go - will be a more informed one, giving you the confidence to make the decision best for you and the dcs (as what is best for you is best for the dcs).

Can you give him a verbal list of instances, like you did us, and then say, 'it doesn't look good does it?' Sometimes people have no idea how awful they've been until it's presented to them, they just get caught in this negative spiral - and tell him that too. If from him comes just a list of excuses about how it is all your fault, then ask him, "Do you really think that?" If he does, then sadly you have your answer. And it isn't you who are calling time on the marriage but him, by his behaviour. Otoh, you mentioned him amending behaviour before and with aid of some relationship counselling to show his commitment to change...

im wiht moony
you do sound like you are treating him like a kid too though - hence his kid style reaction.

you both sounded eshasuted though

Can people move on from the 6 month old routine thing, it's not about that, I explained that to give it some context.

If ds has milk in the early hours he refuses milk all am and then the following night he wants yet more milk at night and so on and so on. I don't mind him waking up for milk at night if he needs it. It's just when he refuses it all day. Quite frustrating, and I've really tried hard to switch it round a bit.

Oh bless you hun it sounds like a horrid situation and no one on here can really give you answers unless they have been in a similar situation, so maybe ask anyone who has been in a situ like yours, what they did, it is so hard to tell someone what to do if you havent been there before, chin up, you know he is a prat and you are worth a million of him any day

The issue is about dh supporting you in achieving that, not being an arse at 5.30am.

yet more teenage tantrum twattery, said he was going to the garage, asked him if he could get some milk out of the fridge in there whilst he was at it, said ok, then asked (politely) as if seeing as he was outside he could go to the car on the drive and get the pram base out of the boot.

Cue whining, complaining and other hysteria about why should he etc.etc.

he's now refusing to do any of it "on principle" because i "expect too much of him" and is refusing to speak to me, is staring at his laptop screen with earphones in deliberately so he can't hera me if i speak to him.

I just cannot take this anymore.

Minx, at the end of the day how you choose to raise your children is up to you, I do understand the point you are trying to make at the daytime routine thing and your DH not supporting you with this, especially if it's you getting up during the night rather than him.

When I was married, I used to look at couples and think "Yeh that looks like a normal marriage, that's how it should be" etc, I seriously got so jealous of anyone that looked like they were in a normal relationship.

My exh was pretty nasty to me, after trying hard for so many years and not really getting anywhere, well in fact the situation just got worse and worse and I got so ill with all the stress of dealing with it, I left our lovely marital home and ended up living with my parents. I still living with them as the house sale didn't make much money and I still have debts to pay off, so yes it is hard because me and my DCs only have one bedroom! and I do feel like I've let them down, but I will get my own house this year. A house means nothing if your living in it with the wrong person.

well he's really not going to change anytime soon is he?

i would

1...se a solicitor for free half hour,about money/house

2...put aside as much money as you can...raise a deposit

3...leave,get a rented place for now til sleeping is sorted/back to work etc

do you have local support??

Well then, don't take it. Take the advice on here instead, (very good advice) and see a solicitor. Even if you're living in a listed mansion, is it worth this? I think not.

He sounds more like my ex all the time. It's ridiculous isn't it? He might as well stick his fingers in his ears and sing "la la la" for all the maturity he's showing. Just ignore if you can.

Please seek legal advice and seperate from him. Dh and I at our very very very worst were not like this!!!

I think I'll see if I can get a small loan tomorrow for a deposit plus one months rent on a house/flat and see if I can go back to work a bit earlier so I can start earning money again, HATE being dependent on him , it's doing my head in.

Will have to find child minder for ds, but that's just how it's going to have to be.

Am tempted to go and stay in a hotel tonight but scared he will use this against me re dcs, e.g. if we end up in court it will look like I left them.

I feel like a total dickhead for allowing myself to end up in this horrible situation and letting my poor dd witnes it. . And I feel so stupid after our huge over the top wedding 5 years ago, what a waste of f**king time and money, .

We were driving round today and I was looking at the couples walking past with their young dcs pushing buggies and trikes, smiling and laughing together, even the bloke putting his arm accross his wifes shoulders in front of me in church when their dd was having a bit of a "moment". The way he smiled at her supportively and backed her up. I never get this, ever. Feel so jealous of all those with calm, nice supportive husbands/partners out there and I'm through my own stupid fault with Mr. Adolescent tantrum.

My parents were like you from my earliest memory and trust me when I tell you that it stays with the children for life. You are both tired but you are both being childish and playing games.One of you has to be the adult and break the cycle otherwise your children will be paying a fortune for therapy....oh but it's ok coz they lived in a lovely house growing up. My parents broke the cycle last year after 36 years together and I still can't get used to not being the peacekeeper or referee and I am 35. You both need to take responsibility for your words and actions as 3.5 is not too young to know when things are wrong. As an aside, it's very easy for people to tell you to move out etc but that's from the comfort of their safe lives, you have to decide whether you can both be grown ups first.

I know the feeling of watching other couples. I'd even resent their children for laughing and being carefree as children should. My head was messed up big time.
Next Mothers Day can be the best of your life. Lose the dead weight

aww really feel for you!!

leaving wont go against you,you know? if it ever comes to court (have just been through this)court procedures are for the children,not at all about warring parents.

11 years down the pan, worst day of my life..

Have to do it though for dcs, can't risk them thinking this is an ok way to behave.

Or just screwing them up completely. dd already seems to have low self-esteem issues, says sorry at the slightest little thing even when it's just a minor accident.

Probably because she sees me apologising all the time to keep the peace.

i did it after 11 years also,might have been 12,cnt remember

i did it for my dc too. and the eldest 2 of the 4 are now teenagers and remember his behaviour only too well!

Please please do get some counselling as well, alone or together.

I can't afford it choosyfloozy, not on my own, I'm going to be well and truly skinted once I'm out of here. I need all my pennies for rent and bills so me and dcs have somewhere to live.

i'm with moony and su, i think you sound like a massive control freak tbh. i think he certainly sounds like he's behaved like a twat today, no doubt, but lecturing someone at 5.30am isn't that great either.

The thought of your twat sitting there like that is winding me up! My ex twat used to start rows, call me hysterical and mad when I argued back and then sulk as if I was the one in the wrong. They are so arghhh

yes,mine too junglist.....but if op does leave,then he'll get his come uppance. he wont be so smug then!