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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken and alone

190 replies

Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 09:48

haven't posted on here for ages, but badly need someone to talk to.

I am a single mum and met a wonderful man 3 months ago. We were suited on every level and he made love to me like I have never ever been loved before. now he has ended it to get back together with an ex, and I am utterly devastated. We still talk every day as friends, and he has continued to suport me emotionally through some difficult times, and I cannot do without his contact. But I cry myself to sleep at night at the thought she is in his bed, that he is making love to her, cooking with her, laughing with her.

I miss him so so much, and just don't know how to handle this. Trying to keep it together for the kids, but so hard. Hurting so badly.

OP posts:
redflagornot · 02/03/2010 09:52

oh you poor love. I know how hard this must be, but if you can, it might be better to cut the contact. Are you hoping he might change his mind and come back?

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 09:55

I am, red, and I know it is stupid. I don't know if I can... I know he would understand, and he has been so patient with me while I adjust to this, but the thought of a day without him texting me to say goodnight is awful.

OP posts:
redflagornot · 02/03/2010 10:01

But, he's left you for another woman, who presumably he was in contact with while he was with you. He isn't some knight in shining armour who should be supporting you through this.

It actually seems a bit cruel that he's still throwing you scraps of attention and affection, without you having any chance of getting anything more from it.

I think you need to look for a support network elsewhere and stop the contact from him now. I know it's incredibly painful - really I do (been there). I also think if he's going to realise he's made a mistake, he has to know that you won't put up with these half measures. He can't have it all ways, and right now you're letting him.

Bumpety · 02/03/2010 10:12

Agree with redflagornot

He sounds cruel

Hard as it may be, cutting contact now will be the lesser of two evils

The other evil being that you stay in contact, witness his relationship grow stronger with the other woman, maybe even get married, have children? (if they don't already)

It will be horrible to be a hanger-on while he lives his life happily with her

I'd say cut contact and throw your mind and self into a new activity or hobbie

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 10:25

do you know what, I would post the same thing if I was replying to myself... and that is part of the hurt, that I cannot see past this yet. he has been good though... after we split one of my guys was being bullied and he spent all day on the text to me while I went to see the head and the doctors etc, and gave me so much support then, but it makes me miss him even more. Hadn't had sex for 3 years before him, and that side of it was awaesome. and losing that is really hard too. sorry for whingeing, but I am grateful you are listening. I really have no one else to talk to about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 13:35

just focussed on the words cruel as I re read all the texts he has sent me since we have split. have over 100 of them, and a good 60% call me lovely, beautiful, sweet, honey, babe, little darling, talking about my eyes....

yes, it is cruel... maybe that is my starting point

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 02/03/2010 13:43

Oh Numpty - I wish I could just give you a big hug and be there for you, to support you through whatever else you are going through - just so you can cut contact with this guy, because well intentioned or not, the continued contact is hurting you. Is there really no-one else who can support you? I understand you missing the physical relationship as well, but that's not going to change just texting each other... you are putting yourself through 7 kinds of hell by staying in touch like this.

You aren't whinging - this board is for exactly this type of thing.

BenHer · 02/03/2010 13:58

A good starting point is to change his name in your phone,something like Ex-Shagger or User will do.It will help you to begin viewing him in a different light.Also delete all of his old texts and any new ones after you've read them.May seem harsh now but it has to be done,slowly but surely you'll get over him.Good luck!

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2010 14:03

If he is a decent man, he will understand entirely when you tell him that you wish him well but would prefer to cut contact with him for the moment.
If he tries to argue you out of cutting contact, then he is either thoroughly insensitive or a massive egotist wholoves the idea of all his XPs still being desperate for any little mark of his favour, and may well get off on playing women off against one another (ie when the new GF burns the dinner or doesn;t feel like sucking cock tonight, he can go Oh well Numpty reeeeeeally loved me I should never have left her).

cheatedon · 02/03/2010 14:09

Hey Numpty...I have just now, in last half hour...finished the last of the little contact with my OM, he has supported me throught the breakup with my H...He has been great, but I have today, bitten the bullet and told him I am worth more than the scraps of attention and affection I get from him. I cannot believe I have got this far, only a few weeks ago, I couldn't bear the thought of not being in contact with him everyday.

I am concentrating on his faults (he is married btw) and have planned the next few nights out with friends as the evenings are my weak point to contact him. I am gald I have had chance to finish it before he did, because I feel more empowered that way (although he is with his wife). We deserve more than second best...I even joined Match.com to look at all the very available men....not coz I'm ready... but more to boast my ego when I get a "wink" or e mail (even from the ugly ones)....at least its a little boast!!!
You'll be fine, I promise it really DOES get easier xxxx Good luck xxxx

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 16:03

it is such a relief to be able to post about this. no, I am new to this estate, and have not made any good friends yet, so cannot really talk about it, esp as they might know him, and I don't want to cause any trouble. Also can't face the 'I told you sos' from my mum or bf, neither of whom really liked me splitting from my hubbie. I am home alone with the kids in the evenings mostly, he always came here, but he texted me today to say he was out with her all day, but would be back by 8, so know this eve will be hard waiting to see if he contacts me.

Cheated on, thanks so much for your post (all of you actually)... I am too nervous to join something like match.com. can't imagine wanting anyone else to touch me, but then it is still very very raw. I just wish I could fast forward past this.... I guess it feels so bad because in my eyes it didn't run it's course, it was still perfect and exciting and we were still learnign so much about each other.

you have all helped massivley.... left mn ages ago cos it was getting bitchy, but this has really restored my faith there are still some nice, non judging people here.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/03/2010 17:24

what redflag and sgb said

don't wait to see if he contacts you

take some control back and block him, you will eventually feel better about having things on your terms..

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 18:23

you're all right... I just can't, not yet

OP posts:
expo · 02/03/2010 18:31

Oh numptynoggin - I so feel for you. I do hope you are OK. The only thing I can say is that it will get better. With time you will feel better. And you have your children to focus on and give your love to at the moment.

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 18:41

thank you... I am afraid I might just pour this all out this evening if that is ok... it is such a release... sat here flicking between here and fb, watching for him to come on line... crap I know, but this is the stage I am at

OP posts:
expo · 02/03/2010 18:44

Oh I am doing the same on another thread. Thank god for mumsnet....

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 18:53

expo, you made me think about the kids.. that's part of the pain... I have been giving and giving love for sooo long now, and he made me feel loved and cherished in some other way apart from a mum.... and I wish we hadn't been here so much, as every bloody thing in the house reminds me of him... the kitchen, what I cook, the bath, music....

OP posts:
aurynne · 02/03/2010 19:55

Numpty, I am sure so many of us (definitely myself) have been where you are at the moment... your mind is cold and reasonable, telling you: "you know you have to stop contact", but your heart screams "I want to know about him!!!". So easy to know what to do, so hard to actually DO it.

Something that helped me a bit when I was there was thinking of the time with him as a "healing" from my last long relationship. This guy has actually reminded you of what good sex and affection are... now you know you CAN have them again, there ARE sex gods out there, and the next one may very well be the real one. Think funny things that out him in a negative perspective... think of him naked, bald and having a poo! It sounds ridiculous, but it will help you de-idolise him. Think of him pitying you and calling and texting you just because he thinks you are too weal to survive without him... is that what you want? Come on, you were strong enough to survive a divorce and raise your children on your own... and you let this guy treat you like a special needs woman?

These sort of thought did help me back then, I hope you can devise your own "helping thoughts" and see that guy for what he is: good in bed, yes, but weak, and emotionally unavailable. He does not deserve you.

aurynne · 02/03/2010 19:58

"too weak" to survive

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 20:33

thank you aurynne.. and to all of you.. again, I am taken aback by how kind you are all being... god I know you are all so right... and I am sorry not to just be able to say, right here tonight, 'screw him', but you know.. maybe bleating about it on here will help me do it tomorrow? just been keeping it in for so long... just feel like the rug has been pulled from under me>

The divorce, although of course rubbish, was actually a blessed relief in some ways... and without going into details, for a long time was more than happy to be alone.. and when I finally did take the plunge was expecting nothing, certainly not to feel this strongly in such a short space of time.

(actaully, wry smile here, trying v hard NOT to think of him naked!!)

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 02/03/2010 20:41

Ok lets make a list of his faults to help you go off him;

  1. He is married
  2. He is a two - timing-no three timing arsehole.
  3. He is fickle- he loves you, no his ex, no his wife.
  4. He's spineless as he keeps contacting you.
He's egotistical as he keeps contacting you.
  1. He's cruel as he keeps contacting you.
  2. He's married. Sorry-weve already had that one.

You are very lucky to be shot of him. Read the list whenever you feel down and feel free to add your own!

poshsinglemum · 02/03/2010 20:42

Is he married btw? I'm confused! In any case he sounds like a sod.

poshsinglemum · 02/03/2010 20:44

Sorry it was cheatedon's man who was married. I need to get my facts right but I hope that you feel better soon.

Original poster
Numptynoggin · 02/03/2010 20:48

no, he's divorced... but you know in a new realtionship when you do that sharing thing about all your exes? said he still missed his childhood sweetheart all the way through his marriage,first true love etc then bingo, she contacts him on fb while we were together.... numpty blown out of the water...

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/03/2010 20:53

he has made his choice.sad as you feel you have to move on.get closure,cant be mooning around after unavailable man

disappointment is hard.so spend time with your friends,watch a dvd,exercise,walks,wine