Is this man running away or just wary?

[hellisempty]

Okay, deep breath, name changed?
I have been casual friends through work with a chap for several years. we never socialised and I never knew his family or anything ? just simply a salesman at work that I chatted to when he made his rounds. We met up again last year after losing touch for a few years and the friendship came straight back but more flirty, cheeky and friendly. We swapped numbers and texted for a couple of weeks. He told me he had a DS who was a year younger than my own and that he?d split with his last GF as she was getting too serious. We arranged to meet up a few times and had ?fun? and it was really nice. Needless to say I fell for him very hard!

He had said he would not let a casual GF meet his son as he was worried about giving him the wrong idea or confusing him which sounded reasonable. The problem is that this man plays hot and cold a lot and I am not sure if I am being strung along or not. I had asked him if I was a casual thing and he said I was very much planned and worst case I was a friend whether I liked it or not!

He invited me to spend New Year?s Eve with him and turned down invites from his family and friends to be with me, then he asked me to go bowling with him and his DS and of course my DS which went really well and I wondered if this meant something? being tested on approval for example? He had already met my son a number of times since I am a single parent and can?t always get childminders and he does ask how he is getting on and has brought treats for him on one occasion.

He surprised me with a visit on a couple of occasions, which was lovely and then gave me a valentine card. I had actually sent him one not knowing if I would see him since he does live quite some distance away from me and I was surprised when he hand delivered me one. Nothing slushy or anything just a funny card with my name written in it.

I asked if he had got mine and he said he had but he had not known if I would get him one and thought it was nice to give. I was not sure if that meant he always intended to get me one or if he was just trying to make it seem like he was not getting me one out of obligation.

The last time I saw him was lovely and he said that he had really enjoyed spending time with me. He said he enjoyed it even when we just chatted and each other?s company. He referred to the bowling day out and said he had a really good time just being with me.

This last week or so I have not heard from him though. He does sometimes go through an illusive phase every now and then and I think that it means he has lost interest but then he is suddenly just the same as normal. Anyway, I got a message last Saturday from him and nothing since. I have sent him 3 text messages this week and not had a reply. He is a busy chap and an active father and he has been away on business so I don?t know if it is just one of those things or if he is dodging me.

I could kick myself for texting now instead of ringing. I never rang for fear of what he might say if I am honest!! But now I cannot ring because it would seem like I am stalking him!!! So?. Is he just a busy chap afraid of commitment and taking 2 steps backwards and 1 step forward or is he actually dropping me?

Sorry it is long!

he's not with the mother of his ds because "last GF as she was getting too serious"

or was last gf and mother of ds different people.

either way.

he has commitment issues.

enjoys being a single bloke with as little commitment as he can get away with as long as he has women like you willing to hang around for when he's feeling hot instead of blowing cold.

ditch him

find someone who is a man... and not afraid of commitment.

He was married to the mother of his DS and they split mutually as they had nothing in common. He proposed because she was pregnant and they liked each other but it was not enough to keep the marriage going.

From what I understand they are friendly, buy each other gifts, talk on the phone etc and the split was a number of years ago.

The last GF is someone else from last year.

I expected it to be casual only until he let me see his son and now I am confused.

sorry, dont think he's after being serious.

how long have you been casual for?

Since November so not long.

I don't mind taking it slowly... not in a race for the alter or anything and I can understand his caution with his son since I have the same concerns with my son... I just want to know what the groundrules are so we are both playing the same game!

you haven't been seeing him long.

ordinarily if you were to say you met in november. and had spent time together and taking it slow but met kids i would say thats just a slow burner.

but .... he's ignoring you texts and disappearing altogether then turning up again when it suits him??? am i reading the op right?

thats not a sign of someone who is actively seeking a relationship is it?

Still sounds like a commitment phobe if he was worried about his last gf getting serious. What happens when you want to get serious? It sounds like you really like this guy but is he going to give you what you need-ie-stability?
I'd run before you get hurt. But that's easy for me to say.

hellisempty
you seem to be very concerned about what HE wants... why are you letting him call the shots here?
what do YOU want?
where do YOU want this relationship to go?
what are you afraid of?
tbh you sound like you feel like you are waiting on him. Stop that at once! :-) you are an adult, attractive, independent woman, and deserve a great deal better. If this guy is pissing you around, just ASK him how he feels. don't guess - you are over-analysing. don't ask us - we don't know! Ask him and be up front about it. Tell him what YOU want.
see if you match...
then you will know :-)

Not disappearing as such... with being a salesman he is on the road a lot and lives a fair distance away anyway so we cannot see each other that often. Plus being an active father he has his DS about 3 nights a week too including a day at the weekend and I cannot get too and from his in enough time during the week with my DS's schooling.

We had talked about me moving closer - issues at work... a different and long story - and he had told me that his area was okay and cheap and suggested estate agents for renting and also suggested a couple of companies I could try. I figured if he was not keen on me being closer then he would not have bothered with that.

But yes.... he does not always reply to texts so I am not quite sure what is happening.

He did not just turn up as such. On one occasion he was in the area for work unexpectedly and text me to say he was here at the time I was finishing work and did I want to meet up so this one was a surprise.

The next time I knew he was going to be in the area and had text to ask if he wanted to meet up but he had been in training and did not get my message until he was already down here so he turned up at my door after his meeting. The surprise was because I had thought he could not make it until he was here. This was the time he left the valentine card for him... hidden on my dresser and then just text me when he was home to say where it was! (He always texts when he gets home so I know he has since it is a 3 hour journey)

I think he knows he has you where he wants you and isn't bothering to chase you.

Have you spent time at his house?

I do really like this guy. I always did but circumstances etc.

To be honest, he really and genuinely is the nicest bloke I have met in a very long time and we just seem to get on so well when we are together. He is so attentive and thoughtful and considerate when we are together and makes me feel very special at those times.

He knows what happened with my ex and how hurt I was and he has said that his big concern was always his son being messed around by brief flings etc which is why he would not let casual girls meet him. I therefore thought I would be reasonably safe from being messed around since he had met my son. He even asked afterwards what he thought about him and if he got his approval. When he let me and my son meet his I thought that meant something.

A mutual friend who works for another company he goes and told me she was buying something from him last time he was down which is how I knew he would be coming down and when we were talking about it afterwards he said so people think I am your man then and grinned.

I kinda hoped this meant something too since if he did not like that label he would have said something surely...

Oh God I am clutching at straws, over analysing and seeing what I want!!!

I really do like this guy and he is the first one in about 7 years to make me really think he could be the one... I would like to try dating properly, spending time together etc etc and see what happens but I honestly don't know how he sees this! He knows that my dad had told me not to let him break my heart!!! oh how embarrassing!

But my greatest fear is that I push him too early for 'that conversation' and he runs!! I wonder if I can use patience and go at his pace for a bit he would feel calmer about it all.

Yes I have Coldtits. I stayed at his in December when I had a business meeting in a town 30 miles from him but 3 hours away from me.

I was only supposed to stay one night but he asked me to stay another night. He could not get the day off work so I went shopping and dotted about until he got home. Both nights he made me dinner, brought wine and we cuddled and so on just watching tv and chatting etc.

There was a shower incident where he asked me to share his shower in the morning. He kissed me but we weren't naughty shower buddies he just washed my hair for me which I thought was a really sweet thing to do.

Then New Year was spent at his house. The other times have been at my house and then meeting with his son was half way between the two houses. The boys had asked if they could go back to his house and he said yes but when we realised how late it was we had to postpone and he had said we could arrange something properly and stay over so the boys had more time but we never did.

"he'd split with his last GF as she was getting too serious"

I think this is all you need to know, sweetie.
If you're having a nice time, keep on havng a nice time but don't expect "serious" because he doesn't do that. If you're agonising over it as much as your posts convey - sadly, you're best off making proactive afforts to meet someone more available! I wish I could tell you he'll come round in the end, or some such - but if I did, I'd be lying. He's been quite open & honest with you ... in a way you're being dishonest by harbouring hopes for more than he's offering.

My guess is that, if you're content to carry on as you are, this thing could run for years. I don't think it would be wise to assume 100% fidelity at any point. So the question is still: what do you want??

It's only been three months. The fact that you have met his son speaks well. He might just be a slow burner.

If I were you, I'd give it another 3 months to see if anything more serious develops, but please don't pin all your hopes and dreams on this man. In my experience slow burners sometimes don't catch fire at all.

My problem is.... I want him!

I knew it was casual when we started but once it was going I started to think perhaps it could be more because of the signs he was giving off.

I know he said his last one got too serious but I guess I did the stupid trick of convincing myself that just because he did not want serious with her did not mean that he would not want serious with 'the right one' and why could I not be the right one!!

Believe me I have tried to find that special guy who could lead to the long haul but I have not had any luck whatsoever... this is the first one who really made me think perhaps I would not have to spend the rest of my life on my own. Sad and pathetic I know!

I would be okay to carry on as we have been for a while so long as I knew what was going on... it is the not knowing that is driving me mad. I hate uncertainty.

To be honest the main problem is that I have completely fallen for him and I know he is going to break my heart... well that isn't true as such... I know that I am going to break my own heart over him and I just don't want to face it.

I have had nothing but heartbreak and then get to stand by and watch my ex DH and then ex BF both go on to be blissfully happy and committed with marriage and kids with their very next partner despite telling me they did not want marriage and I just kinda hoped that this guy could be different and perhaps this would finally be my happy ending.

Oh God the thought of having 'that' conversation with him....

As a by the by... I have delivery reports on my phone and the last message I sent him has not come back as delivered!!

coldtits.... would you therefore suggest not having the conversation and just continue as I am... texting, accepting that he may or may not reply and just see what happens and then decide?

When we are together he is very attentive and so lovely and so comfortable and there are definitely sparks and butterflies but I do worry if a big issue is the distance... very difficult to have anything with someone when you cannot see them very often.

If I really wanted to I could drag him down through his work. We have actually done that once last November when we were struggling to get time together.

As he is a salesman I can call his company and ask for a demonstration of a new product and as there are only two of them covering my area there is a good chance he would be sent down.

He demonstrates his product for us and then with his travel time is able to stay until I finish work and come home with me.

So... if I was a naughty girl I could organise this for a day when he is usually free that evening and see what happens and then I could have the conversation if I thought it was appropriate or just see if he makes up some lame excuse not to see me after work.

I guess I wanted him to suggest it or show some interest though.

And now this non delivery report is actually bugging me a lot!

I think... he's just not that into you. You need to find someone else, who is.

I have never seen that film.... perhaps I should watch it just in case there is a happy ending

I appreciate your honesty and I am starting to think the same thing but I am a romantic and optimist at heart and still hope that it is not the case.

Look, you either have to accept that this relationship is a laid-back, as-and-when sort of thing, or you have to call a halt to it. Because this man has both told you and is demonstrating to you that he is Not That Into You, not interested in 'getting serious' and quite possibly not into monogamy either.
Trying to get a commitment out of him is not only a completely futile way to make yourself miserable, but is actually unethical - people have the right to reject committed, serious relationships if that's not what they want. Analysing his every move and word in the hope of detecting signs that DESPITE WHAT HE SAYS he is secretly moving towards a declaration of true love or a proposal or something is a sure way to drive yourself mad.

He doesn't make me feel like I would be stalking him... I feel like that on my own because I just have no confidence where relationships are concerned. My last two exes more or less stripped all confidence away and made me feel like everything that went wrong was my fault even though deep down I know it was not.

I did once joke to him about being a stalker during a conversation and he laughed and said I was not that bad and it is not something he every hinted at....

I would say pretty much all of the worry and issue is self made. I know I am my own worse enemy!

Dear god, woman, DON'T request a product demo just in case he has to make the visit!!!
Apart from the screechingly obvious fact that if he wants to see you he'll let you know ... He will tell his colleague he can't make that call, the colleague will ask why, and you'll become a funny story between them & their other customers.

He has not told me he is not into me. He invited me to travel to meet his son, invited me for new year despite having other offers and gave me a valentine card... I would think those are signs that he likes me.

I have absolutely no doubt that this man likes me.... he does I just don't know that he likes me enough or as much as I want him to.

He told me about his ex girlfriend in general conversation before we had swapped numbers, before I had accepted his dinner invitation and before either of us knew that something would happen with us.

It was just a general chat. He asked if I was seeing anyone and I said no, I asked if he was and he said no, he had split with his last one because.... though to be honest I don't know how long ago that was!

I agree that he has the right to choose not to be with me but I don't think it is unreasonable to want to know the situation so we are both singing from the same hymn sheet.

If he just wants casual or wants serious but wants to take it slowly or just does not want to know anymore at all then fair enough but surely I should be 'in on this' so I can decide if I want to walk away or so that I know I have to walk away because I have no choice.

Have you asked him how he sees your relationship?