Is this man running away or just wary?

[hellisempty]

Okay, deep breath, name changed?
I have been casual friends through work with a chap for several years. we never socialised and I never knew his family or anything ? just simply a salesman at work that I chatted to when he made his rounds. We met up again last year after losing touch for a few years and the friendship came straight back but more flirty, cheeky and friendly. We swapped numbers and texted for a couple of weeks. He told me he had a DS who was a year younger than my own and that he?d split with his last GF as she was getting too serious. We arranged to meet up a few times and had ?fun? and it was really nice. Needless to say I fell for him very hard!

He had said he would not let a casual GF meet his son as he was worried about giving him the wrong idea or confusing him which sounded reasonable. The problem is that this man plays hot and cold a lot and I am not sure if I am being strung along or not. I had asked him if I was a casual thing and he said I was very much planned and worst case I was a friend whether I liked it or not!

He invited me to spend New Year?s Eve with him and turned down invites from his family and friends to be with me, then he asked me to go bowling with him and his DS and of course my DS which went really well and I wondered if this meant something? being tested on approval for example? He had already met my son a number of times since I am a single parent and can?t always get childminders and he does ask how he is getting on and has brought treats for him on one occasion.

He surprised me with a visit on a couple of occasions, which was lovely and then gave me a valentine card. I had actually sent him one not knowing if I would see him since he does live quite some distance away from me and I was surprised when he hand delivered me one. Nothing slushy or anything just a funny card with my name written in it.

I asked if he had got mine and he said he had but he had not known if I would get him one and thought it was nice to give. I was not sure if that meant he always intended to get me one or if he was just trying to make it seem like he was not getting me one out of obligation.

The last time I saw him was lovely and he said that he had really enjoyed spending time with me. He said he enjoyed it even when we just chatted and each other?s company. He referred to the bowling day out and said he had a really good time just being with me.

This last week or so I have not heard from him though. He does sometimes go through an illusive phase every now and then and I think that it means he has lost interest but then he is suddenly just the same as normal. Anyway, I got a message last Saturday from him and nothing since. I have sent him 3 text messages this week and not had a reply. He is a busy chap and an active father and he has been away on business so I don?t know if it is just one of those things or if he is dodging me.

I could kick myself for texting now instead of ringing. I never rang for fear of what he might say if I am honest!! But now I cannot ring because it would seem like I am stalking him!!! So?. Is he just a busy chap afraid of commitment and taking 2 steps backwards and 1 step forward or is he actually dropping me?

Sorry it is long!

need to make my strikeout work properly !!!

please don't text or try to call him. he KNOWS. you will come across as desperate and that is not attractive.

back off now.

listen to solidgold.

Hi
thanks for the replies... sorry at work so can't check or reply much!

Solid... what you say makes a lot of sense. He has said that he gets into trouble with family because he is so laid back he is practically horizontal. he does not plan at all and when his brothers say 'we should meet up' he says yes, fully intending to but doesn't not make the plan figuring it will happen when it happens. He also said when he was going away with his brothers in December last year that one of them was struggling to get away and was stressing over it but he (my chap) just thought if we can't meet now we will another time so no worries.

So I can see how me not being right in front of him would make it easy for complacency to set in or the whole 'ah well we will catch up soon'. However I agree that if he does want to see me then he should make the effort to and the fact that he is not is cause for concern.

I confess that I did text again this morning, just forwarded the first message... I know weak and pathetic! But it did not go through either. However the original message went through about half an hour later! Sod's law! he did not reply.

So my choices are:-
he is not interested
something wrong with his phone
something wrong with him
secret option 4

I will try and leave it and see what happens. I am an all or nothing kind of girl and if he is not interested I really would rather be told than have the uncertainty but clearly not everyone works that way.

thanks for your replies... I am thinking about what you have all said. I know it is looking bad but I really do still hope there is a reasonable explanation which does not lead to me hurting more! Foolish girl!

hellisempty sorry to be the one to say this as no one else has, but from your first post I thought "Salesman. more than one girlfriend."

He reminds me of someone a friend met a long time ago (it wouldn't be the same man). Salesman. Divorced or getting divorced with son he didn't want her to meet "to protect him" and therefore they couldn't go to his house. Relationship all fine and dandy until they slept together then that was it. Friend never mentioned what happened. I hope it was that he was a terrible shag and she dumped him forthwith. However I suspect he had got what he wanted and the "divorced" bit wasn't actually true.

I guess I can see similarities there except I have been to his house and I have met his son and we slept together ages ago but everything was ongoing thereafter.

His house is definitely a man's house so no hidden wife there. He is busy doing it up at the moment not that this is important!

I am fully aware that I am trying to see the good in this and trying to find possible reasons and explanations other than the most obvious one of course.

I know everyone says their bloke was different so it is such a cliche but I really did think he was. As I said, we have chatted for quite a few years so he must be good at hiding the real him to be able to keep it up that long if what you guys say about him is true!

I guess I just feel let down and miserable because it did not have to be like this. If he only wanted casual he could have kept it like that without the whole sucking me in bit!

We exchanged christmas presents too! Even for the children! He bought for my DS and I bought for his! We did not put names on them so the kids would not know who they were from since they had not met each other and I had not met his at that point.

Why bother with all of that? Why bother with valentine cards and introducing the son? I just don't get it at all.

Because he's sloppy, lazy and selfish. But that's just a nasty way of saying what you yourself have just described above: he's a laid-back, easy-come, easy-go, minimum-stress, live-for-the-moment kind of guy.

All of which are perfectly OK qualities in a person, and all attractive from a charm point of view. Your problem is that you are NOT that type of person. You're an "all or nothing" kind of girl - which is the complete opposite of his personality.

You're incompatible. Simple as. Sorry.

I am started to get really p**sed off about this now actually. I just cannot see him being the sort of character who reels them in and casts them off when it suits him and yet the evidence would suggest otherwise.

I have been lonely for a while but I have had offers, even dated etc but refused to settle for someone who was not right for me. There was a chap who was really interested in me at the same time as this new one came along and I decided against him even though he was the easier option because there was no spark and I felt we would not be compatible so it is not as if I was clinging to the first and only guy who came along and I thought that would make me more realistic about it all. Clearly not!

I think I have two choices and one is to walk away and let him come to me if he wants to and then decide from there or to try and force the situation by ringing him and having it out.

More or less everyone seems to suggest the walking away option but I am concerned this is just going to chew at me and drive me insane. I am crap at just forgetting it. I like closure, I like to know... even if the information I get is not what I want at least I then know the score and can deal and move on.

The not knowing is driving me mad, making me doubt myself, making me wonder if something happened to him and why should I be pulling my hair out!

There is a simple explanation at the end of all of this... I think I just need to know which version it is!

If it is the whole - here is a few months of lovely things to reel you in and then I am going to run off because I am a selfish t**t then that is just plan cruel and I don't deserve that!

hellisempty you don't deserve it. I always put myself in their shoes. If you cared about someone would you ignore text messages. I never would so if someone does it to me I take it as they are not interested and move on.

Sounds like you really want to know so ring him when you know he will be able to talk.

I'm interested in Dittany's question, too.

But I disagree that your time has been "wasted", OP. Didn't you have a lovely time? Some good meals, fun conversations and enjoyable sex? Not wasted then!
He may have implied there was a future for you (though, tbh, you read that in) but he never actually offered it. He offered you some good times. And delivered. Try to think of it like a holiday - you might wish you could stay forever, but you still get on the plane to come home

The other guy is an odd one. We have had a couple of drunken kisses and a one night stand a couple years ago but then nothing afterwards. We both started dating someone else but it did not work for either of us.

We have known each other for about 11 years and to be honest for most of that time it was polite conversation only as we really don't have anything in common. He loves all sports and hill and mountain climbing and I errr don't and would probably die if I tried to climb a mountain!

He loves classicial music, dancing, a total extrovert and flirt and I don't like classical music, cannot dance to save my life and hate people watching me try and I am a total introvert compared to him.

He is a total flirt and is always going on about pretty girls and talks about them as objects a lot of the time, he is tall and slim and I am a foot shorter and a waddling duck compared to him! And I detest the way he talks about women and tell him so!

We work together and I find him lazy and don't really respect him in the work place but as a person he is really charming, funny and decent company.

He told me to go for it with this MIA chap and that he seemed a nice lad and a good looking boy and that I should be pleased that someone as hot as him was interested in me!! He did also said I had never looked better which softened it slightly!

The first time I knew he liked me was when we were chatting about the MIA bloke in November last year and he said well if it doesn't work out with him give me a shout! He tried flirting a few times but I have not bothered about it as he gives the impression of only really being interested in one thing - he asked what my thoughts were on gratuitous sex!!! and since I work with him I figured it would be awkward... it really was the last time and to be honest it was okay but not great... he is far too gentle and sweet for me!

Anyway... all a moot point as he is busy chasing after someone else at the moment. A someone else with a live in boyfriend so I think he will be getting his head kicked in soon which will be no use to me anyway!

I completely agree that I probably read more into this than there was... over analysed things and saw the good in everything but in my defence... I did not get here all by myself, he did help!

I tried calling a little while ago but there was no answer, just went to answerphone. He does not have caller display and my number is withheld anyway so he would not have known it was me.

He could be stil travelling or just out since it is a Friday evening!

I am a bit confused as the other guy wasn't acting as though he was 'really interested in you'. Sorry if this sounds harsh. Your situation sounds quite similar to something that happened to me recently met 2 that I liked and chose the one who it turns out just wanted some fun. TBH I don't think the other option was that interested in me either.

When you look back to the ones that really did want you, you do need to compare it and keep a level head. I always find anyway.

The other guy started being attentive at work, flirting, trying to draw me into his personal life, asking my opinion on things, being complimentary out of the blue, the comment about give him a shout.... and then he has tried it on at a few social occasions.

His flirting which is something he has always done - even when he was previously married - and his comments about the gratuitous sex put me off too. As we had a thing once and it was all rather awkward I never really thought much about even having 'fun' with him.

He has made other comments which would suggest that he was interested but as to how much and what he would have wanted I just don't know. Other colleagues have commented about his behaviour towards me and especially when we have a social evening he is all over me like a rash which can be quite uncomfortable at times.

Yup, two prize whangers.
Listen, the only way to hang on to what remains of your dignity is to ignore Mr Salesman. You won't get any kind of closure from him - if you do force a confrontation or try to have a Big Talk he will either act totally bewildered ' But we're just having a good time, aren't we? I said I don't want anything serious'... or he will be patronizing and nasty.
Honestly, you need to do a bit of thinking about why your responses are screwed up like this - you seem to be drawn to men who are not actually keen on having a serious relationship with you, or who are actively unkind.

OP has said she cannot just ignore. I wouldnt contact him again tbh. He must know you have tried to.

This is rather freaky as my nickname for the last one I was seeing was Salesman. On the fit and interesting thread. Yep he was in Sales for a living.

OP IMO you really need to let this one go. He's distroying any self confidence you had.

Whilst reading this thread, straight away, as soon as you mentioned the few texts you had sent with no replies, I knew he wasn't going to answer if you called. My feeling is that he may have changed his phone even, so he doesn't have to talk anymore. I say this as this has happened to me. Very simular situation you are in now.

Sorry for being blunt. I think you need to see that this plank is taking you for a ride.

Very little pool to choose from... I live very rurally where everyone knows everyone, the single ones are single for a reason - ie complete waste of space - and the good ones got married when they were 2. All those in the middle actually left the area as soon as they possibly could!

Salesman chap is not of this area though.

Being a single parent in a rural area means I cannot get out much as there are no childcare facilities here and everyone is a fair distance away from everyone else. My best friend just moved away end of last year so I am quite isolated now.

believe me... I don't go looking for idiots! In fact I never go looking for them... they seem to find me though!

I'm in a rural area too. I seem to attract the wankers. It doesn't worry me though because I can spot the traits and either leave it or just see it as a few nice nights out to pass the time.

I think you really need to have some breathing space for the foreseable future and don't keep looking for smatterings of interest from emotionally unavailble men.

It was his landline I was calling not his mobile and it went to answerphone so the line is still connected somewhere. He would not have known it was me when I rang since he does not have caller display as I said previously and there is no reason for him to suspect surely that I would choose to call him this evening!

I don't know!!! Really don't know what to think. Everything you guys say sounds so plausible but something is just nagging at me because he just does not strike as a cruel man at all. Perhaps I just have rose coloured goggles on!

I may well just give this dating up as a bad job, I am clearly not good at it!! I split from ex DH about 7 years ago as a result of his numerous affairs. He was nasty and went out of his way to make life hell for years and only in the last 18 months has he left me alone, about the same time he decided he wanted nothing to do with DS too.

In that time I have only dated three men and had a couple dates (including the one night stand thing with the other prize whanger as he was called ) all of which only ever lasted three or four months each so I have spent a large amount of time on my own and frankly I am sick of it!

I do want to be part of a couple but I want to be part of the right couple. I don't want to settle for someone who I don't love and respect and get on with and some fireworks or butterflies would be nice too since I am a passionate person by nature - as you can see by getting so het up over this bloke!

But to the same end... I am sick of getting built up by blokes and then let down. I am so honest too... I am not the kind of girl who needs to hear the slushy romantic stuff or have the big gesture if it is not truely given. I would rather someone was honest and said... this is just a bit of fun, don't expect anything from me than tell me that in not so many words and then go off and do the romantic sweet stuff to confuse me and sucker me in!

How old are you hellisempty? No need to give up dating just give up for now. I am very resilient but this has come with practice. I am ancient though.

It's gone in stages for me. Went into a few relationships and it was me who wasn't committed and they were. For a long time I thought I had a real problem in that I never felt enough. For the past year it's been the other way round. I have met people who I really like so this has given me hope that I might meet someone one day where it all clicks into place and hopefully I won't be a lonely old lady surrounded by cats.

You're still not getting it. Please read this back:
"he does not have caller display ... there is no reason for him to suspect that I would call him this evening!"

I realise you mean to think there must be some valid reason why he CAN'T answer his phone (but really he wants you to ring). But what you're really doing and thinking is - well, stalkerish

I can honestly say that, despite my badly-judged relationship history, I have never thought about whether someone has caller display, or whether they'd "suspect" I was going to ring them. It's like you're trying to catch him on the back foot. Which begs the question - why?

Both the men you've described in your thread sound like definite non-keepers. FWIW, I think you chose the better of the two for a fling. A fling is what you had! Kiss it goodbye.

I'm worried about how much you're worrying over this! Kid yourself as much as you like, but you read 100% like A WOMAN WHO IS DESPERATE FOR A MAN
That attitude will get you shafted every time, as I'm sure you know. You really need to work on your sense of self. I'm sure somebody will be along in a minute with good advice. My advice to you is: take it.