Is this man running away or just wary?

[hellisempty]

Okay, deep breath, name changed?
I have been casual friends through work with a chap for several years. we never socialised and I never knew his family or anything ? just simply a salesman at work that I chatted to when he made his rounds. We met up again last year after losing touch for a few years and the friendship came straight back but more flirty, cheeky and friendly. We swapped numbers and texted for a couple of weeks. He told me he had a DS who was a year younger than my own and that he?d split with his last GF as she was getting too serious. We arranged to meet up a few times and had ?fun? and it was really nice. Needless to say I fell for him very hard!

He had said he would not let a casual GF meet his son as he was worried about giving him the wrong idea or confusing him which sounded reasonable. The problem is that this man plays hot and cold a lot and I am not sure if I am being strung along or not. I had asked him if I was a casual thing and he said I was very much planned and worst case I was a friend whether I liked it or not!

He invited me to spend New Year?s Eve with him and turned down invites from his family and friends to be with me, then he asked me to go bowling with him and his DS and of course my DS which went really well and I wondered if this meant something? being tested on approval for example? He had already met my son a number of times since I am a single parent and can?t always get childminders and he does ask how he is getting on and has brought treats for him on one occasion.

He surprised me with a visit on a couple of occasions, which was lovely and then gave me a valentine card. I had actually sent him one not knowing if I would see him since he does live quite some distance away from me and I was surprised when he hand delivered me one. Nothing slushy or anything just a funny card with my name written in it.

I asked if he had got mine and he said he had but he had not known if I would get him one and thought it was nice to give. I was not sure if that meant he always intended to get me one or if he was just trying to make it seem like he was not getting me one out of obligation.

The last time I saw him was lovely and he said that he had really enjoyed spending time with me. He said he enjoyed it even when we just chatted and each other?s company. He referred to the bowling day out and said he had a really good time just being with me.

This last week or so I have not heard from him though. He does sometimes go through an illusive phase every now and then and I think that it means he has lost interest but then he is suddenly just the same as normal. Anyway, I got a message last Saturday from him and nothing since. I have sent him 3 text messages this week and not had a reply. He is a busy chap and an active father and he has been away on business so I don?t know if it is just one of those things or if he is dodging me.

I could kick myself for texting now instead of ringing. I never rang for fear of what he might say if I am honest!! But now I cannot ring because it would seem like I am stalking him!!! So?. Is he just a busy chap afraid of commitment and taking 2 steps backwards and 1 step forward or is he actually dropping me?

Sorry it is long!

Got to stop MNing now, I'm supposed to be programming

FWIW, OP, I don't like the sound of him. I think he's shallow and a player. But wish you well anyway

Yeah you are probably right.... no product demonstrations! I don't think he would be horrible about me to his colleague but it would be really obvious and somewhat desperate looking to ask if he wants to do something at the weekend, get no reply and then suddenly need a product demonstration on Monday!!! ha ha!

I have not asked how he sees it and maybe that really is what I should do so at least I know one way or another.

He is a bit of a player but he is not shallow and whilst I am not painting a good picture here he really is one of the nicest blokes I have met in a while

He is hard working, caring, sweet, thoughtful, funny, so cute, a good active father and he is honest believe it or not!

He will answer any question I ask no matter what I ask. I have just avoided asking that certain question!!!

Think you need to look at his actions and not his words.

The long silences are really quite difficult, and not kind.

Yes, he says that he only allows his son to meet women who he feels aren't just a fling, and he does appear to be thoughtful on a superficial level (Valentine's etc), but he doesn't respond to text messages? Why? How long does it take to send someone a text saying, 'I'm so busy, call you later?'

You need to stop making excuses for this guy. Even if it's casual, fine. But there's no excuse for not being kind and not responding.

In any case a partner is supposed to make you feel better about yourself and not worse!

Yes we have slept together. We didn't sleep together straight away and there have been a few meetings which did not end with sex... just a good time of laughing, chatting, kissing and tv etc.

Our first date was to a pub for drinks just the two of us. We were going to have dinner afterwards in town but neither of us were hungry and I said I could pick something up for dinner and cook at home if he wanted.

He has cooked for me three times at his house and the first time at mine we actually cooked together.

After that it has always been at one of our homes mostly mine and involved staying in as I could not get a babysitter.

When we went bowling with the kids we went for a meal afterwards and then wandered around the shops for a while. A homebase of all places, trying out beds, looking at kitchens - his idea.

He made me buy a new light fitting as one in my kitchen was broken and the next time he was down he fixed it for me as I had not quite got around to it

The only thing stopping me from ringing him is me! I don't want to just say hi, how are you, where is this going and just hit him with it! I would rather have that kind of conversation face to face.... of course if I never see him how can I!!

You are right in that it doesn't take long to text back just to say speak later and I am annoyed that he hasn't but... that undelivered text message is starting to play a bit. Why would it not be delivered!

I really am overthinking this too much!!

Well he certainly is very charming!

But when we have been out I have never caught him staring at anyone else, he is really attentive, polite, friendly, holds doors open, constantly asks if I need anything or want anything - drinks etc - asks if I am okay and so on. Just generally being nice.

And over the years I have known him... he has always asked me out to lunch so he is persistent! I actually did consider the fact that I could have just been the thrill of the chase for him and once he got what he was chasing he would lose interest. I was not adverse to the idea of having a bit of fun with a really sexy guy so we did sleep together on our second date proper date. This was about a month after we swapped numbers. At that time we were texting every day and it was both of us.. not just me.

I then waited for him to stop visiting, waited for him to stop texting and it did not happen. Until this week!

I did not phrase the moving closer thing properly.

There are issues at my company - long story - and I am considering options such as having to find a new job. There is nothing in this area and no real childminders or playcare facilities for my son. the one benefit of my current job is they fit the hours around my son so I am home before he is from school etc.

I started looking at relocation options just in case and when things started heating up with him I considered his area or within 30 miles since it is a large city with lots of jobs at the moment and good facilities. I thought this was a good option as it give me a chance of a good future, lots for my son to do, close to him in case we had a chance but then big enough not to see each other again if it did not work out.

He knew I was considering moving and that I was applying for jobs and he told me about a company hiring in his town. I applied, got an interview but then found I could not do the hours as they wanted shifts with it being a call centre. He asked if I was serious about his area and then told me what it was like in terms of crime and facilities and schools etc and then gave me details of the estate agents to rent.

So moving is something I am probably going to have to do anyway... I just may not have chosen that area had it not been for him I would have considered other large cities instead for no other reason than I had never been to his before seeing him and did not know what it was like.

Moving in would be awkward!!

He owns his own flat in a large block of flats half way up and it is a one bedroom place. When his DS visits he has a pull out double sofa bed in the living room and the place is definitely not big enough for him, me, my DS and my mad dog not to mention his DS's visits!

I don't own my own place, always rent privately - issues with the ex DH and another long story - so it would be a lot for him to give up his place for me at this early stage and I could not get a mortgage for at least 6 months after moving to be able to share a bigger place with him.

We just talked about me being closer in a brief conversation once. Something along the lines of

me - are you hungry
him - no I am not
me - your turn to cook dinner
him - that was as a subtle as a brick but when you are closer I will be able to cook your dinner for you.

OP -does he like porn?

He was illusive a while back... I had text and had a reply and then nothing for a couple of days. I asked if he was okay and he replied that he was and was just in a quiet mood and had been really busy with work. He had been doing a lot of travelling that week and was tired so I just said something casual along the lines of okay, no worries, I will leave you to it then, sleep well etc.

About an hour later he text me to ask about my job hunt and basically started up a conversation about moving and work and so on that went on for a few hours and after that he was back to normal.

There are days I don't hear from him much but they are times when he has his son or he has said he has something on which is fair enough.

The list of estate agents thing came about during the above mentioned conversation actually. I said I had been looking at estate agents and mentioned that one of the areas I was looking in was proving to be too expensive so I may have to commute. He said that I would get a house in his town easily and should try blah and blah. He then said he would help me as much as he could.

I am not saying that I would not move in with him if he asked... I am just that stupid!!! but I honestly think it would be too early for that considering we have children and problematic with him owning and me renting.

His best friend knows about me as he told me how he described me to him - rather kindly actually! - and at least one of his brothers knows about me as he told him he could not spend new year with him as he was seeing me instead. Just thought I would mentioned that

Does he like porn? Is there a reason for the question?

Not really sure how to answer that to be honest. He said he finds pregnant women really sexy!

He doesn't use his computer that much - emails from his phone which would not be that great for watching porn I wouldn't think - and I have never seen magazines in his house but then never looked either. Doubt he'd have them lying around with son visitng!

We have talked about fantasies and so on, he talks dirty or texts dirty to me sometimes and we have talked about porn generally and what we would and would not do etc... joked about stuff that kind of thing so I would think he does like porn but I don't think it is something which consumes his world.

I really don't know... I would have to ask. He general he likes to touch and so on but porn is just visual. He is a giver...

Geez.. I do not know how to answer that one!

Still not quite sure what the significance of the porn question is so I would not mind that being explained!

The text I sent yesterday still hasn't gone through which is unusual so I am going to try and contact him today and see what happens.

I guess it can't hurt anymore than I am already hurting (okay, I know that isn't true! but I do have to know one way or another!)

ONe explanation is that he just doesn't think about you very much when you're not right there in front of him. He has given you more than one indication that he is not into 'serious relationships.'
Another explanation is, of course, that he is a manipulative arsehole who rather likes having women tying themselves up in knots trying to figure out what he really feels.
Unfortunately, I think your state of mind at present is going to make you a bit vulnerable to manipulators because TBH you are coming across as a bit needy and desperate for A Relationship. A couple-relationship will not fix you and make your life suddenly perfect, and making your happiness dependent on another person's behaviour is very bad for you.
It does sound as though, for whatever reason, this man is not going to offer you a committed relationship, so you may want to bin him and move on but before you look for someone else to date, you actually need to get yourself into the mindset that, while a couple-relationship would be quite nice, you don't actually need one. Otherwise you will move from one tosspot to another - and if you are really gagging for 'commitment' you might find yourself with one of the worst kind of abusers - the one who tells you he loves you on the second date, moves in on the third, then gets rid of all your friends and starts locking you in the bedroom.

Good advice SGB, and the only thing I'd point out is that his mention of not introducing women to his son who were only casual seems to be the confusion. Everything else points to him being an asshole casual but can understand how he's come across as genuine.

He's too busy to send you a text message? Wow! I had no idea Obama was dating...

My H behaved used to worry me with his lack of communication from the beginning of our dating. In my case, however, I can now see looking back that the behaviour was indicative of his personality - manipulative, control etc. Now, looking back, I remember many times where I felt insecure about our relationship (dating at that time). He could just 'cut off' from me, go cold, hear nothing from him for days etc. One time, in the early dayys of dating, when we seemed so happy and in love etc. I didn't hear from him for several days. This was confusing to me as he had wanted to date me for a long time, and told me what strong feelings he had for me. Anyway, I ended up turning up on his doorstep, all upset, because I just didn't get it - how someone can switch on and off like he did. I thought he had ended it, I had done something wrong blah blah blah. I went on to marry him and am still married. He is a very manipulative person it has turned out who I believe is narcissistic.

I realise my case is different to yours - but I was so in love with my H whilst we were dating that I didn't pick up on things he said like - I have never wanted a girlfriend - I don't want the commitment and have to be answerable to anyone else etc........

You say you think he has lost interest. That is exactly how my H was. To someone like me, who if they care about someone, is pretty consistent towards the person they care about, someone with no deep emotions like my H, who can just switch off and not think about someone when he is not with that person, is confused by it (before they get to learn about their personality through bitter experience),and his personality is such that he can do the 'grand gestures', used to 'talk the talk' (gushy romantic stuff - not for years now though).

It hooks you in, keeps you there, keeps you dangling, for when he wants you etc.

Obviously, this is just my experience, though.

Just wanted to add. When I met my H, I was in a bad place, emotionally. I had just spent years in a horrible abusive relationship with a nasty piece of work (never lived with him though, thankfully).

I don't know what your past experience with men is like - but when I met my H, he seemed like the lovely man I had been waiting for, and such a huge contrast to the previous one who was abusive, violent, stalked me etc.

I know my self-esteem must have been very low when I met my H. I know I didn't pick up on things that I probably should have - but then, my H turned out to be another kind of controlling man.

I have just ditched someone for very similar reasons. He told me he liked what we had, which was meeting up once every couple of weeks, and that was as far as it went. He often left it a week between getting in touch.

This isn't the actions of a man wanting a relationship with you, sorry.

I would just back off. No more texts to him and when he does finally resurface have 'the chat'. You have nothing to lose. If he cannot give you what you want then get out now before you get hurt anymore.

If he is playing games and he really does want you that will become apparent You are in a win win situation, although it's hard to think that way.

I agree. Back off. He can prove if he is really interested in a relationship with you. It is not any fun to be in a situation where you are just permanently fretting about it/someone all the time.

the text message not being delivered means his phone is switched off I think or there could be a one off problem with the network/that particular message which is not likely - it's likely to be the former.

I don't see the relevance of the porn question either.

You are in a difficult position and it's tough on you when you like him so much. He is probably aware of this and so feels complacent.

I know someone like this so speak from bitter experience. Ruling out something wrong with him (again unlikely) I would also advise not texting (this is what I have done but have also caved in in moments of weakness because the situation was completely eating me up

Over time I have managed to step back a bit and detach but that might not be an option for you.