sex dilemma

[sophie69]

Hi everyone,

I am a married parent so is simply so lonely. I met a married man recently and his is just adorable. He listens to me, is affectionate, is a gentleman. We talked about our lives and our partners and both miss a sex life. We both want the same thing- to enjoy each other maybe once a week, but remain in our relationships. He is unselfish and just wants to satisfy me, which is so refreshing and new.

I am just so tempted to say yes and enjoy an afternoon of love making. It has been so long and and i dearly want to be help and to experience some fun. He has offered to make it all about me- I can control him and use him for my pleasure.

He really is a sweetie and a gentleman and I just want him so badly. Am I a bad girl for wanting this so so much?

[Tortington]

i think the op needs to shit or get off the pot.

[hunkyhippo]

Hello there. I'm a newbie to MN and having scanned the forums think that MNetters could maybe help me think through a situation. Apologies for the length of this post

I am a SM to 3DS and 1DD. I have been separated for 5 years. I was in severe domestic violence for 9 years with their father. I have had years of counselling and therapy and am ok now. My 4 DC are all ok now too. Well, as ok as we'll ever be.

This is my problem. I have not had a relationship of any kind since I left my H. I am scarred inside and out! I have regained my self confidence, but not where getting in the buff is concerned!

I think I have fallen for my eldest son's counsellor. He is so gentle and kind and handsome and makes me laugh so much. He is also 10 years younger than me, never married and no DC.

I have liked him for months but never once thought he felt the same. He is quite shy. Tonight he brought over a Tesco Double Chocolate Gateau and I gave him lasagna left over from our dinner. We talked and had such a laugh for ages and then he hugged me and then he kissed me. It left me feeling weak at the knees. I still have butterflies in my stomach and I can still smell him on me.

I am so confused. How can I tell if he is genuine?

Am I mad to think he would be interested in me, given my situation?

Am I wrong to this one time put my needs ahead of my children's? (they adore him BTW)

Am I just too easy? A Tesco Gateau!!!!!!

Am I just scared?

Any and all advice and views would be most welcome. Please help

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

hunkyhippo, you need to start your own thread. Go back to the Relationship board and click on 'create new conversation'

[hunkyhippo]

Oops, sorry, Thank you!

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

It's OK, it might just get lost on this thread - you will get more responses if you have your own!

[veryconfusedandupset]

Sophie isn't seal sanctuary woman, I am. Nice to see that 5 months since then all the same old arguments are still being raised ( by the same people too)

I'm afraid I'm out of this sort of fray, maybe/probably forever and have beaten the sad old bat's retreat to the gym and art class for satisfaction. My new maxim "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" includes X's cock as being out of that traumatic relationship has certainly cured my comfort eating.

I was intending to give a fuller description of my road to recovery at the end of April, by which time I hope to be 100% georgeous and 100% over it. I've certainly been helped by the fact that my life has been on the up since September and his has been very much on the down - anyway, more details to follow in April.

Couldn't help one observation as I read this thread - why do women believe husbands when they say the other woman enticed and entrapped? Is it not just about as credible as the 10 years without sex?

[MorrisZapp]

My apologies too vcau. I remember that you were indeed genuine, although I hope you'll forgive me if I say some of the details of your dilemma were charmingly bonkers.

Anyhoo you seem like a thoroughly decent sort as opposed to this OP who appears to simply be attention seeking. Apologies OP if I have got this wrong.

[AnyFucker]

vcau, unfortunately you are somewhat of an MN legend

take it as a compliment

you got one hell of a bashing on here, but you still come back and with very little retaliation which says more about some of us than about you

I have told you this before...I was a prime basher of you but the most flak you got was for being monumentally naive and allowing a man to treat you so peculiarly

MZ puts it well...charmingly bonkers

please tell us about the new you, when you are ready

[veryconfusedandupset]

Thank you ladies - i'll start a new thread at the end of April and tell you all about it
(goes back into phonebox to transmogrify into the leading light of the good housekeeping section)

[Rhubarb]

I'm glad to see the mad trolls have finally crawled back to where they belong - there are genuine people being hurt by shit like this and how they can come onto such a thread and actually boast about their exploits is beyond me. I do wonder if the OP and her supporters are one and the same.

The old lines of "my wife doesn't give me sex anymore" or "we just live together as friends" or "I feel special with you" is just bollocks. These men have wives who have no idea what is going on, wives who probably do give their husbands love and affection.

These wives may well be Mumsnetters. These selfish bitches are simply out for what they can get and they don't give a shit who gets hurt in the process. They simply aren't brave enough to do the decent thing and be honest. They don't want their dh's to improve because they want to get their kicks elsewhere, to work on their marriages would take effort, they'd much rather ruin someone else's.

Yeah, a real gent cheats on his wife, gets you to look like a child whilst he goes down on you. Wow, guess I don't know what I'm missing. Hope he didn't have coldsores. Or actually, perhaps I do hope he did.

Hugs to all those hurt by this. Remember, this site can often entice these troll bitches, but the majority of Mumsnetters and the majority of people are kind, caring and honest people. Don't let this minority get you down, they're not worth it. They're not even real! Probably hairy handed truckers wanting to get a quick kick.

[MorrisZapp]

You are brilliant vcau

[Otherside]

I am not condoning affairs but was interested to know if anyone was tempted by an affair but walked away? I have been happily married for several years and have never had an affair or been tempted. Maybe it's easy for us to judge if we have never been in that position?

[Rhubarb]

Yes.

I'll admit that at work a few years ago there was a Daniel Craig lookalike who took a shine to me. He was fit, had all the women at work after him, intelligent and good-looking.

I went for drinks with him with dh's permission. At the time I had an issue with the lack of jealously on dh's part and at that time me and dh weren't getting on. I was unhappy where we were, our sex life was shit and I enjoyed the extra attention.

But there came a point when I did walk away. I focused my energies on my lovely dh instead who did not deserve to be treated that way. He might not have a brilliant libido, but he's been there for me through thick and thin, he's my best friend and I would never, ever hurt him. I knew that even a kiss would devastate dh.

So yes, the attention from a younger, very handsome man was flattering and an ego-boost, but it also made me realise what was really important in my life.

And the other guy, well he pulled a 17yo girl whilst her boyfriend waited for her outside. She later got her boyfriend to pick her up after a night of passion with him, telling her boyfriend that she had stayed with a girlfriend - so it just goes to show what a gent he turned out to be

[ineedabodytransplant]

Rhubarb, you are doing exactly what I commented on a while ago. Assuming that all men who say they don't have sex with their wives are liars. How many men do you know who have said this and you can prove are liars? Not hearsay, but face to face? I am not stupid enough to think that every bloke who trots out this line(as well as my wife doesn't understand me...I think my wife understands me too bloody well...lol) is telling the truth. But please don't tarnish every man with the same brush.

Otherside, can't say I have been tempted so much as had offers to be pretty blunt but even though it appears from Rhubarbs posts I am a liar, I never took the ladies up on it. I plan on sticking to my vows even though it makes me feel like c**p.

[jasper]

ineedabodytransplant, I agree.

Most of the claims of 'no sex in 10 years' come from my WOMEN friends.

Why the assumption that men who say they never have sex with their wives are lying?

It is absolutely the case that lots of couples are having NO SEX AT ALL. One partner ( male or female ) may not be happy about this and may succumb to affection/attention elsewhere.

Nothing to crow about, but perfectly understandable

[Rhubarb]

I understand that some women do not have sex for a variety of reasons, I believe I did actually say that earlier on. Some of the reasons being medical, some due to depression etc.

BUT when a married man is trying to get his mistress into bed it appears to be the common lie that his wife withholds sex from him, that they drifted apart years ago, that they only live together for the kids sake, that he sleeps in a separate bedroom etc. Yet when he is found out it appears that he is still living with his wife, having sex and she is oblivious to what's happening.

ineedabodytransplant - I did not say that you were lying. You are not trying to get another woman into bed are you? Your situation is completely different.

I've gone through bouts of not wanting sex at all and so has my dh. It has pissed either one of us off at times, but we've sat down and we've talked about it. Ok, yes sometimes we've lost our tempers, called each other names, but the main thing is that we acknowledged the problem and worked towards fixing it.

If you have a problem of any kind in your marriage and your partner refuses to acknowledge it, then I would seriously consider the future of that relationship. Because whether it's lack of sex of lack of communication, both parties have to try and reach a compromise. If your wife refuses to talk about it, refuses to go to Relate whatever, then ultimately she is being extraordinarily selfish. Marriage is a two-way thing, there are compromises to be made. If one of you is willing to work things out but the other isn't, then I don't hold out hope for that relationship.

That is not to say that the partner should go and start an affair, especially with another married woman. If it comes to the point where you've tried and tried and the problem is not resolved, then you have to sit down and be honest with your partner. Sex is a basic human need and it's also our way of showing love to another, of growing close to them. A marriage without sex is not a marriage. If they can see how unhappy you are and are yet not willing to even try, then I would call it quits.

Children or no children - you cannot stay in an unhappy relationship. The kids will pick up on it anyway. Happy parents really do equal happy children and getting out of a relationship like that gives you both the chance to find happiness in your own ways.

Going behind your partners back however just leads to more unhappiness and hurt. No-one can move on whilst an affair is in progress. Affairs are all about lies and deceit and I don't know how lying and deceiving your partner can be good for your marriage. Esp in the OP's situation where both parties are married - that just doubles the hurt and pain that it will cause. I've seen the devastation first hand, it ain't pretty. And in all my years on Mumsnet, never has an affair fixed a marriage or gone unnoticed.

[Malificence]

"A marriage without sex is not a marriage".

That is absolutely right Rhubarb, but so many people seem to think that the only valid form of sex, is penis in vagina penetration - there must be plenty of couples for whom this is not possible due to illness or injury, that doesn't mean sex and intimacy has to disappear, there just has to be a more inventive way of giving and receiving pleasure, for ineed's wife, I can only assume that she doesn't love him, to put him through this for 8 years is inhuman really.

[SuSylvester]

i agree that many a failing marriage has too much sex form what i haev seen

[Rhubarb]

Malifence, absolutely right. If for whatever reason the woman or man cannot have penetrative sex then there are others way to get close.

And yes different people have different libido levels. You can have a man who wants it 3 times a week and a woman who only wants it once a month. Again, you have to reach a compromise and talk about it. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of talking. If a problem like this is left then it just festers into bitterness and resentment, that's when affairs become tempting. Because the partner then things that his wife wouldn't care if he did cheat, because she doesn't give a damn anyway. But that's simply not true. Most people do care about being lied to. Sort it out and find a way where you can both be happy.

[Malificence]

Su, your post doesn't make that much sense I'm afraid. A failing marriage has too much sex?

Bitterness and resentment is the death knell in a marriage unless there is full communication and a joint willingness to address the issues.

[emmabemmasmom]

Ok...have not read everything but I felt the need to say:

When I read your posts all I hear is 'me me me' You feel special, you feel happy blah blah

You want to have an affair that's up to you. Instead of thinking about yourself though think about his family. Women shouldn't do this to other women and god knows if he is even telling you the truth about his relationship...

Whatever, beside the point there. If you want to do it then fine but out of respect for yourself and his family find someone who is not attached and that way all you hurt is your family and not someone else's too. These things have a way of coming back around.