sex dilemma

[sophie69]

Hi everyone,

I am a married parent so is simply so lonely. I met a married man recently and his is just adorable. He listens to me, is affectionate, is a gentleman. We talked about our lives and our partners and both miss a sex life. We both want the same thing- to enjoy each other maybe once a week, but remain in our relationships. He is unselfish and just wants to satisfy me, which is so refreshing and new.

I am just so tempted to say yes and enjoy an afternoon of love making. It has been so long and and i dearly want to be help and to experience some fun. He has offered to make it all about me- I can control him and use him for my pleasure.

He really is a sweetie and a gentleman and I just want him so badly. Am I a bad girl for wanting this so so much?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

My love, if the affair is over and your H wants to work on your marriage, no-one will judge you for being stupid. If you've read my posts, you'll know I'll suggest he does some work on himself, but perhaps he has? Or perhaps our contributions suggesting he does that will help you persuade him to - I've seen that happen on here.

You do what's best for you - but don't leave Mumsnet. A year ago, hearing from people who had got through this and had better marriages and happier lives made all the difference to me.

Hope you'll feel strong enough to start a thread one of these days. I do really understand how today - and these awful words - have affected you. (Bone crushing hug emoticon)

[Petitioner]

Karmann

My XH had an affair in 1996. He regretted bitterly. The woman made a play for him. Equally we were in a doldrum in our marriage. Bad recipe.

Marriages hit lows and highs. It's well known by men that married women are 'easy' because they often feel so unappreciated they leap at the slightest encouragement. I'm sure the same is true for men. I loved my husband. He loved me but we'd lost 'the loving feeling' as they say.

I felt humiliated, hurt, frightened and wondered why why why?

He felt devastated at his own behaviour. He felt unable to make it up to me and always apologetic. We both had to recover. We did and spent many happy years together. I do not regret taking him back and I know it's what he wanted.

I am now divorcing him because we grew apart. I still love him (odd though it may sound) I respect him. I'm glad we shared our lives. I'm glad we brought up our children. I'm glad that we split amicably and without anyone else involved. He still shares my life.

We both grew from that very painful experience. It is unrelated to our current separation.

The silly bint who chased him, chased a few more. She's unhappy and doesn't know what it's like to have a long term love. She just has short term infatuations. Part of me feels sorry for her loss.

My ex and I will have a relationship until our deathbeds. Nothing can separate that. I speak to him every day.

Hang in there and be honest and value yourself. Forgive. Understand and change what you need to. Honesty is a lovely thing. After an affair you can have honesty because there is nothing to hide. Love him and hold your head high.

Sophie and her like are selfish, deluded and their pleasure is superficial.

[dignified]

No one will judge you for choosing to stay. Had my ex been willing to work on himself and be honest i would have probably stayed too if i couldve envisaged a better, new improved marriage.

Mine was a wanker so that wasnt possible, but maybe yours isnt and maybe you can resolve this.

Have you read the book, not just freinds?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Supportive ladies - can you come over to the WWIFN thread and perhaps cut and paste your replies for Karmann?

In answer to your question Kerry, in no particular order I'd say it's fear of losing face amongst friends/family/the community, fear of getting a job and having to support themselves financially, fear of loss of lifestyle and fear of being blamed by their kids for breaking up the marriage. Many people dress up what are selfish fears as "staying for the sake of the children" - although I do think there are some women who genuinely do see the unfairness of their spouse losing daily contact with the children and so will put up with a bad marriage so that this loss won't happen. The awful irony is that a marriage lacking in intimacy is a terrible model to give children.

[Petitioner]

I would but fear I'm not helpful

[jasper]

Good luck to all on this thread, whether you are devestated by your partner's affair or despairing at the lack of love in your marriage and seeking it elsewhere

[ineedabodytransplant]

Can I give a mans version of things. I have been married for 33 years. Our sex life was pretty good until about 8 years ago. My wife had a cystitus(sp?) problem so we stopped until she was comfortable again. Well I am still waiting! Seriously, we have not been intimate for nearly 8 years. There must be more though, as we don't even cuddle anymore. I have asked her what the problem is, if I can do anything to help, if we need to talk to someone. She doesn't want to know. She has had serious health problems over the last 15 years, and I have always been there for her. Now she is becoming more independant she probably doesn't need me anymore, I don't know. I would love to be able to have make love/have sex, whatever you want to call it. I don't want to believe that my sex life stopped at 46. I don't profess to be a sex god/stud and as you can tell from my nickname there is a lot I would change if I could. But even if I had a body transplant I still don't think she would be interested. And yet apparently, a lot of members here would call me a liar for saying I haven't had sex for all this time. As of four years ago we don't even share the same bed as it was amazing how far apart two people could sleep in a bed. But again some would say I was a liar if I told anyone this. As it is I have never, ever spoken in RL to anyone about the situation. As far as I am concerned this marriage is my concern, I took my vows and although perhaps the sensible thing would be to walk away, I can't. And I dare say that saying that will draw a lot of flak.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that although perhaps I don't necessarily condone the OPs view(unless trolling) I can see why maybe she is doing this. It would perhaps be great to find someone just for sex( makes them a f**k buddy though doesn't it?)I just couldn't do it to my OH. But doesn't make me a liar.

Sorry if this doesn't really make sense

[AnyFucker]

it makes perfect sense

and I am sorry you are in this situation, but it is very, very different than the OP

I think if you posted this on your own thread, instead of at the end of a trolling/shit-stirring/mad cow's one, you would get a lot of sympathetic responses

[ineedabodytransplant]

AF, not looking for sympathy, and I will hopefully post the full details of my situation one day. It was just that it seems that any man who tells a woman he doesn't sleep/ have sex with his wife is automatically called a liar. It happened in this thread that is why I responded.

In a way though not that different in that she says she doesn't have sex with her husband and although I don't see the need to ask anyone on here about it(unless she gets a thrill from writing about it, come on she hasn't met the guy and he has agreed to go dowen on her if she shaves!!)if true then she is in roughly the same boat as me....except I am keeping my bits zipped up..lol

Although I may be naive, I think it is a troll

[ineedabodytransplant]

Sorry, I know she has now met the guy, but had she met him before all the trim details were discussed?

Long day, etc

[AnyFucker]

I dunno, INABT

it's all shit though, so your question is academic

[Malificence]

That's heartbreakingly sad ineedabodytransplant, does your wife know how you feel?

Has she ever explained her reasons for her withdrawal of intimacy and affection?

[Fizzfiend]

Just one more thing....not all men who say their wives don't want sex are lying...you only have to look at the "where has my libido gone?" threads to know this. It's common for women to lose their libido after kids.

And also, my DH doesn't want sex with me (I've coerced him a couple times in the last few years but that's never a good thing), is so repressed that he can't talk about it, but I asked him if I could have sex with someone else and he said no. So that's me in a convent for the rest of my life? I don't think so.

I'm definitely moving into Solids camp...monogamy is no fun unless you're both on the same page. Surely both partners should be equal, have equal say and an equal right to have a loving relationship (which includes sex). You can't have a loving relationship without sex unless they're family.

[ineedabodytransplant]

Mal, sorry I didn't respond for sympathy as I said to AF. Just saying that not ALL men are liars, some do tell the truth...hehe

I won't hijack this thread, I will start one of my own when I feel I can tell the whole story and ensure it isn't just my side of things. (Unfortunately, I am not perfect so I need to tell the whole thing)

AF, it may be shit and I honestly hope that if it is the OP can be honest, but I am not holding my breath for too long.

[AnyFucker]

gosh, INABT, I will look out for that thread...

FF, we have spoken before and I know I have been supportive of you

but I have forgotten something...do you have your relationships with married men ?

[Karmann]

KerryMumbles forgive me for my confusion - why do you say 5 years? Why do you assume no sex for 5 years?

[AnyFucker]

karmann...I think kerry was responding to the OP

[Karmann]

Thank you AF - starting to not see the wood for the trees. Please don't bow out of other thread. Think you have a lot to offer.

[AnyFucker]

I am lurking, don't you worry

[AnyFucker]

tsc

[MorrisZapp]

Good call - I'm getting seal sanctuary vibes too.

I think it suits the agenda to say how awful women are who sleep with married men etc but I will never see it in this black and white way.

It's almost always ill advised to embark upon an affair if you're married but I can never understand the perceived wisdom that the cheaters are vile, nasty etc and the partners are angelic sweethearts who deserve to 'win' the partner back.

How do we actually know this? I mean, without knowing the people involved? Maybe the partner is a liar and a cheat, maybe the partner is an arrogant sod, maybe the partner is like that man on the telly berating his wife for her low pain threshhold.

I don't get the whole 'wife = good' thing. Maybe the wife is entirely wrong for the guy - who knows? I often find myself thinking this on these threads.

OP was so obviously a troll even in first post btw.

[AnyFucker]

nah, I am not thinking seal sanctuary, tbh

I was just smiling at tsc's usual take on these situations...

tsc..I hope you are still coming to the Manchester meet

I want to see this foul-mouthed, scary bint for myself

[ChickenInABasket]

PMSL second coming!!!!!