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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sex dilemma

205 replies

sophie69 · 23/02/2010 00:11

Hi everyone,

I am a married parent so is simply so lonely. I met a married man recently and his is just adorable. He listens to me, is affectionate, is a gentleman. We talked about our lives and our partners and both miss a sex life. We both want the same thing- to enjoy each other maybe once a week, but remain in our relationships. He is unselfish and just wants to satisfy me, which is so refreshing and new.

I am just so tempted to say yes and enjoy an afternoon of love making. It has been so long and and i dearly want to be help and to experience some fun. He has offered to make it all about me- I can control him and use him for my pleasure.

He really is a sweetie and a gentleman and I just want him so badly. Am I a bad girl for wanting this so so much?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 15:05

rhubarb, I think you should say what you really mean

Original poster
sophie69 · 23/02/2010 15:25

not sure that most of the advice has helped, but i thought i was better to ask and get some honest opinion before making a choice.

if anyone cares we did meet today and it was good. he makes me feel special and i did feel loved for the first time in ages.

i don't want people judging me and i don't think i deserve such abuse. i opened my heart and asked for help and advice.

i feel vulnerable and people made me feel sad. this guy makes me feel good and why wouldn't anyone want that. i bet anyone else would have done the same thing.

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/02/2010 15:27

OP you can't expect other people, who have suffered bc of infidelity, feel the same way. Having seen some of the comments on this thread by people who have been made upset, it would have been in better taste to have not written that last post

VictorineMeurent · 23/02/2010 15:32

Are you really saying it is OK to deprive your husband of sex for years on end? I could give you quite a lot of detail of the two people I am talking about, but it would only risk identifying them. One had had a very unsatisfactory strategy of odd flings about once every 2/3 years and was genuinely really sad and upset about what had happened. With the other I heard confirmation from wife chatting to someone about it to someone via a very circuitous link. Definately true in both cases, and I thought pretty unfair to be asked to put up with that

lisad123wantsherquoteinDM · 23/02/2010 15:44

"Are you really saying it is OK to deprive your husband of sex for years on end"
well yes of course it is, what man who truely loved you would want you to do something you truely didnt want to?? If you dont like it/feel like its just the way it is. marriage should never be built on sex but on love and friendship and respect for each other.

Kiwinyc · 23/02/2010 15:46

OP - you weren't asking for help, you were asking for validation of your behaviour from a bunch of strangers on the internet about what you're doing. A lot of these strangers have been badly hurt by partners who behaved badly so the opinions you're going to get are not what you're really looking for.

The best you can achieve here is that you've now made a slightly more informed decision... You might get away with it. And you might not.

ACretinoidPsychoanal · 23/02/2010 15:47

You know what, just fuck off.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/02/2010 15:49

No, it isn't OK to deprive someone of sex permanently for no reason. Sex isn't 'just' sex (if it is, you're not doing it right). It represents closeness, affection and communication. If you find yourself really unable to be intimate with them, then you should try to fix it in some way, possibly through counselling. Or if it is to do with the way they are treating you, not appreciating you etc, then explain it to them. I am not just talking about 'DH wanted sex but I was really tired last week/have just had a baby/have depression'. There are always going to be times when you don't want it. But when that goes on for several years with you making no attempt to combat it, it is going to cause the other person frustration and pain, and your relationship won't be the same. You owe it to them and yourselves to get it sorted.

Just because you're married, that doesn't justify behaving in any way you wish. However, having an affair isn't going to fix anything.

AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 15:55

sophie, does he have a verrrry long tongue ?

you silly, self-obsessed mare

InmaculadaConcepcion · 23/02/2010 15:57

Hope you feel better soon, Mal

RubyPink · 23/02/2010 15:57

so people come on here asking for advice and get called 'silly self-obsessed mares'?

nice

AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 15:57

I don't give a shit about the state of the OP's marriage

this thread was weird and insensitive in the extreme (if it is real, which I doubt)

pixiestix · 23/02/2010 15:59

"why wouldn't anyone want that?"

FFS did you actually read any of the responses?

Hairy arsed trucker....

AnyFucker · 23/02/2010 16:01

ruby....only when they actually are silly, self-obsessed mares

let's have it right..

RubyPink · 23/02/2010 16:06

:-) but he's a sweetie and a gentleman and she's such a bad girl!
she just can't help it....

Original poster
sophie69 · 23/02/2010 16:06

today was good for me and the first time i felt special for a very long time. so if people want to post abuse or bad language, i can just ignore them, and in the end it does not hurt me. I don't feel dirty or used or wrong, or any of those things. I feel warm and alive and happy, and that is that. I know there are consequences, but we both agreed that it was just our secret, and in the end it was just us doing something together and that's that.

I feel sorry for people who have got hurt, but their experience is not my experience and I am not going to feel dabd for me because of what happened to them. every circumstance is different and so me it was good, more than good. it made me feel warm and today I smiled a lot. That has to be a positive thing- happiness

x

OP posts:
drloves8 · 23/02/2010 16:06

tis that trucker called bruce again?

Rhubarb · 23/02/2010 16:08

IF you read my post you will clearly see that IF a woman is denying her husband sex (you heard on the grapevine??? Really???) then I suggested counselling for both. If she refused then I would advise that he was honest and open with her and if necessary, the relationship is brought to a close.

No-one denies their partner sex unless there is a very good reason behind it, i.e. depression, medical problem, etc.

You will also note that I said affairs are not just about sexual fulfillment. It is about the betrayal, the lying, the secrecy, the deceit. You have chosen to ignore all of these.

You say that if a party cannot get sex from within their marriage then it is within their rights to be deceitful and seek that fulfilment outside the marriage? Really? If you couldn't have sex for whatever reason, how would you react if, instead of talking about it, your dh went off and shagged someone else? Even worse, he shagged another married woman whose poor sod of a husband doesn't know either.

I shall repeat DECEIT, LIES, BETRAYAL are the reasons that marriages breakdown after an affair. Because marriages are all about RESPECT, COMMUNICATION, HONESTY.

If you aren't happy in your marriage then you'll either try to fix it, or if it cannot be fixed then you bring it to a close, allowing you and your partner to find happiness with someone else. You don't sneak around wrecking lives.

VictorineMeurent · 23/02/2010 16:10

Good for you, Sophie - just hope it remains as good. I live in hope myself.

Original poster
sophie69 · 23/02/2010 16:13

thank you VictorineMeurent

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 23/02/2010 16:13

sophie69 - I'm pleased you're happy. How lovely for you. Do you think your husband also deserves to feel happy? Do you think he's happy in that thing you call a marriage?

What about the other man's wife? Does she deserve to be made to feel the way you do? Or does her happiness not count?

You sound very selfish, putting your own needs before others. Your secret will be found out, I guarantee that. Your children will know, your parents will know, your friends will know. Your husband will be the victim whilst you become public enemy Number One and your lover boy will beat a hasty retreat.

You might think you can go on like this forever, just a dirty little secret shared. But I've been on Mumsnet long enough to know that dirty little secrets have a habit of being exposed sooner or later.

You are living a lie. You are lying to your husband, to your children, your family and your friends. Be honest. Tell your dh that you are not satisfied, at least give him the chance to sort it out. If he doesn't then end the marriage. Let him find someone new and you can do the same. Better that than live the rest of your life as a lie, constantly looking over your shoulder wondering if this is the day when it all gets exposed.

Rhubarb · 23/02/2010 16:14

I wonder why you two married if you weren't prepared to see it through the long haul?

Or does lying come naturally to you?

RubyPink · 23/02/2010 16:20

Rhubarb you are so self righteous
How about if an affair is something that you both kept secret because you didn't want to hurt your respective partners? How about if it was something that you really needed to help you get through all the cr@p life throws at us?

VictorineMeurent · 23/02/2010 16:21

Why so bitchy and personal Rhubarb? we all know that in real life these things can go on for years and not get found out. It is only those who are careless that get found out - usually through constant emails and texts etc. " Your secret will be fund out. I guarantee you that" . It ain't necessarily so. Lasting happines is of course an entirely different matter, I don't feel that these things always bring that.

Original poster
sophie69 · 23/02/2010 16:24

he held my hand today and cuddled me. It is not all about lying an cheating you know. it is not about deceit. it is about feeling good and special for a moment, even if it is not repeated. that meant i felt alive and happy for an afternoon.

OP posts: