Help ! - assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters

[Rightouttasmut]

Name changed due to embarrassment at imagination failure - I need to send texts of the utmost provocation and smut to dp, you know the kind of thing , instant erection material, and my filth reservoir has dried right up.

I bet there are some hugely talented dirt purveyors on MN ( I'm looking at you Malificence and SGB in particular ), please give me some ideas.

PS I'm not some wanking schoolboy - if you don't believe me, I'll talk you through my coil insertion.

Bummer! Know anyone with a low-tech phone?

[GRIN]

even

can I add -

[groin]

Hahaha! I am only on page 2, and already e-mailed dh "I was bending over to take some dumplings out of the oven and now my cheeks are all red"

jaysus,im holed up in bed with the flu..this cheered me right up! lmao..il look through my phone,my exe was a deviant (pmsl)

bumping this one as it's so funny..

thanks!! it's hilarious... wouldn't work for us as we share a mobile - tempted to get my own though just so DW can try some of these out

incidentally, can any of you suggest filthy texts that a woman might like to receive?

I could, but I am particularly filthy girl! ;-)

Is this thread still going? DH and have taken to sending each other stupidly juvenile texts, inspired by the 'sexting' on Glee a couple of episodes ago.

They have to have be silly, have bad grammer, and should also be done in txtspk. I.e.

'Tell me about ur pantiez'
'You iz so hot and such a stud and stuff'
'My pants are hot 4 u!'
'Can i be ur bra?'

Umm. Maybe you need to have seen Glee to find this funny... The point is to channel that teenager we used to be 100 yrs ago!

'housecoat' my skirt went up 'a bit'? do you come from the 1940's HullyGully or has it just been that long since you've had sex?

Geesus, talk about twee

Or it could have been humour....imagine.

Geesus, talk about thick

Surprised you have to ask, MrIC:

"Darling Sexy wife, please come home - I've got a huge

bar of chocolate waiting for you."

ha ha ive just discoverd this thread and been sat here laughing to myself.. my DP always asks me to send him a cheeky text
might take some of the ideas of here haha

This is hilarious! Hullygully - Geeeeeesus, you're a comedy genius!

(especially loved the showing your ankle to the line painter bit)

I don't know how I missed this! Rofl at house coat

May try this on DP when he is next working away, but he always wants photos with the messages