Help ! - assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters

[Rightouttasmut]

Name changed due to embarrassment at imagination failure - I need to send texts of the utmost provocation and smut to dp, you know the kind of thing , instant erection material, and my filth reservoir has dried right up.

I bet there are some hugely talented dirt purveyors on MN ( I'm looking at you Malificence and SGB in particular ), please give me some ideas.

PS I'm not some wanking schoolboy - if you don't believe me, I'll talk you through my coil insertion.

We don't go in for overtly filthy texting - I'm more likely to say I've been a bad girl and I need putting over his knee, or I ask if the Doctor is making his rounds.

I haven't got the "filthy talk" gene, sorry.
DH likes me demure and ladylike, so he can defile me.

mal, I thought it was the other way round in your house !

God my DH must be easy cos I only have to say summat banal like I'm feeling dirty and he's all standing up to attenshun, ready to go and reckoning that he's on for the night of his life.

[must get out/off more]

I send DH a report from "Weather Girl".
eg;
"Today will be warm, turning hot in the evening with a guaranteed warm front and a good chance of moisture in the south."

Message withdrawn

Eh? I like DH demure and ladylike?

NOooo , I like him dark and brooding with a cruel smirk as he plays hard to get - I'm putty in his hands when he does that .

Btw, it's "smear an avacado on my lower portions".

Be careful what you say though.

Recently after a bottle glass of wine I got all raunchy and kept whispering to DH that 'I wanted him to fuck me' and then couldn't work out why he was so tediously insistent on trying to get in by the, ahem, back door.

Turns out that he thought I was begging him for bumsex as he's from furrin parts and got a bit confused.

Will tell you what happened in the end on Friday .

Message withdrawn

and ewww at the brown sauce

Uhhhh...

What about:

God, you're sexy! When can you get home to give me a good seeing to?

or

Odd groaning noise coming from the back of the car. Mechanic says the grease nipples need attention. Can you help?

Laughing very hard indeed here

What about 'I've got my shortest skirt on, no knickers and I keep dropping things and having to bend over to pick them up.'

why don't you just get to the point and text him that he's going to get sucked and fucked tonight. No?

Ooh ooh I'm burning up, any minute now I'm gonna explode.... Knew I shouldn't have eaten that leftover vindaloo.

How about I've got me short nightgown and me baffies on and keep dropping things and having to bend over and pick them up.

You naughty, naughty people, how am I meant to be all alluring and fuckable when I'm wiping torrents of mascara from my cheeks ?

I'm thoroughly tempted now to take a photo of myself with the stickers from a couple of Gallias over my nipples, a Benny Hill leer on my face and send it to him with an invitation for him to feel my ripe melons. Possibly after I've thrown the cat in the bath and informed him I've got a hot, wet pussy.

Spankwire.com you say ? ( stores for later use ).

I am peeing myself laughing at this thread! Can just imagine the OP using some of these lines and her DH receiving the text message

< I've thrown the cat in the bath and informed him I've got a hot, wet pussy >
Laffter hardly leaving enough breath to ask Beachcomber - why Friday?

Message withdrawn

If I said I was hot and wet, DH would assume I'd just got out of the bath.

I did once text him with " how do you want me tonight - on my knees or on my back?"
The text I got in return - " err, I'll have to think about that". Seriously.

It's a good job he's fantastic in bed.

'Tis traditionally the MN night for bumsex lowering the tone threads.

Quite frankly, "Fancy a shag" tends to work when you've got a young family.

This is true SoupDragon.