Help ! - assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters

[Rightouttasmut]

Name changed due to embarrassment at imagination failure - I need to send texts of the utmost provocation and smut to dp, you know the kind of thing , instant erection material, and my filth reservoir has dried right up.

I bet there are some hugely talented dirt purveyors on MN ( I'm looking at you Malificence and SGB in particular ), please give me some ideas.

PS I'm not some wanking schoolboy - if you don't believe me, I'll talk you through my coil insertion.

This thread has made me laugh out loud!

DP just asked me what im chuckling at lol.

This sort of thing really upsets me.

I've just texted dh.

"I was just checking the strings to my coil. Does that bother you at all?"

He's in the kitchen. He texted back immediately.

"Cup of tea?"

Sexy.

Oh and another.

"Are you on MN?"

I bought a loin of pork - can you sort out the stuffing?

How did he know SOH lol

I just txt DH, he is doing DS's reading with him upstairs.

"you are my fantasy..."

he replied "wtf ???"

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Oh this thread

A bit of wee has come out.

Don't say that, like

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you ruined that one, dintcha, cantucciniVS ?

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haha omg my nose is so stuffed up but I cant stop laughing at this thread.

The baby inside me doesnt know whats hit it!

I'm cleaning the shag pile. I need you to help me work up a foam.

< becoming very Carry On now >

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Look, if you don't want your sausage in my baps, d'you want it wrapped in bacon?

< waits >

I fancy a bit of brown sauce on that sausage...

This is the funniest thread I've read in ages, has to go to classics.

I've spat wine on my screen, ruined a pair of pants and will NEVER be able to have a bit of howsyourfather with DH tonight because I will piss myself laughing at, well anything.

Thank you ladies you have done me good.

Right now will try to think of some hot text smut....

These ripe melons would be fantastic with a banana stuffing ...

isabel is that Victoria Wood?

isabel...it was worth the wait !

< goes off to change knickers >

AF & brown sauce! Haaaaahaaaaahaaaahhhhh!!

Or am I thinking of something entirely different