Help ! - assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters

[Rightouttasmut]

Name changed due to embarrassment at imagination failure - I need to send texts of the utmost provocation and smut to dp, you know the kind of thing , instant erection material, and my filth reservoir has dried right up.

I bet there are some hugely talented dirt purveyors on MN ( I'm looking at you Malificence and SGB in particular ), please give me some ideas.

PS I'm not some wanking schoolboy - if you don't believe me, I'll talk you through my coil insertion.

Oh no, I trod in some icky dog doo and had to take my shoe off revealing my slender ankle to a passing white line on road painter person.

I turned the heating up to dry your underpants/the baby's nappies and now I'm alllllll hot

PMSL! I am actually laughing out loud and pretending to my husband it's about something else entirely.

"double-clicking my mouse" always does it for DH. Or words to that effect. Loving the euphemism though

Hullygully has some interesting fantasies. Care to share more?

Oh yes. I was taking the washing out of the machine and I held it to my chest and got it a bit damp.

Am laughing too much to come up with anything useful, sorry...

rofl - really! Nice one!

I was carrying the still slightly damp washing upstairs to hang it over the clothes horse when I stumbled and my skirt went up a bit.

I opened the curtains and the window cleaner saw me in my housecoat....

Now that's bordering on saucy, AF. Unless it was floral and quilted?

... the window cleaner was so shocked, his bucket of water went all over me ..

I was scrubbing the kitchen floor and oooh I'm all hot and sweat with my rump waggling invitinly in the air.

Text him a link to 'spankwire.com' and say you're looking forward to a browse with him later...works every time!

I was bending over to take some dumplings out of the oven and now my cheeks are all red?

what a hilarious thread....my perv reservoir is running on empty too, he he.

Sorry to be o fno help whatsoever!

it should be made into a book!

Just forced a mahoosive stinky fart so the stench will be gone by the time you get home.

Now that will endear him to you...

LOL at Hully...you STRUMPET

I was peeling baby carrots, and thought of you...

I have just been kneading my baps and by the time you get home they will just be ready for you to bite into...

our daughter's nappy was filthy and the wipes I used were all wet