Help ! - assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters

[Rightouttasmut]

Name changed due to embarrassment at imagination failure - I need to send texts of the utmost provocation and smut to dp, you know the kind of thing , instant erection material, and my filth reservoir has dried right up.

I bet there are some hugely talented dirt purveyors on MN ( I'm looking at you Malificence and SGB in particular ), please give me some ideas.

PS I'm not some wanking schoolboy - if you don't believe me, I'll talk you through my coil insertion.

I don't suppose "I know I'm a bit saggy, but you could lift my bits" will do?

... or "I haven't had sex for a hundred years so I must have been waiting for you"? < barf emoticon >

Following from Malificence if I texted Dh that I was 'hot and wet' he'd probably text back something like 'oh jolly good been for a run have you'.

I feel very ashamed of myself for lowering the tone on a Monday - I apologise.

DP has been occupied at a work event so has been unable to fully respond to my mouse double-clicking/ sausage and brown sauce/ bending over in my wincyette nightie text erotica but I can't see how it can fail.

mine would crack open the Beechams love...

rightouttasmut...do update us in the morning, wontcha

Did not mean to imply that MN only does smut on a Friday.

I'm all for it on other days of the week.

God. If I said anything other than 'shall we have sex tonight?' to DH I'd get this and (sigh)' Have you been on mumsnet again?'

Mind you, the above line works every time.

(Easy DH)

brilliant thread - has brightened up a fairly crap day and now my cheeks are wet from laughing so much I cried

Beachcomber, I always make a beeline look on in horror at the sex threads, there's nothing warms my heart like a bumsex post ( never done it but it's becoming strangely appealing .....)

AF - I know my duty - I will report back as to the efficacy of Confessions of a Window Cleaner stylee smut tomorrow.

listen

Oh how did I manage to miss this thread?!

I am very well versed in text sex but this thread has made me properly laugh!

Hully should start writing for Playboy's readers' wives, or sumfink. Hilarious!

Make up a sexy story involving him and yourself (and/or someone else, if it'll float his boat), and text it to him in drawn-out instalments. This has been very successful.

Tell him that you're playing with yourself and what you're thinking about.

Tell him where you'd like him and what you'd like to do to him.

Tell him you're imagining coming into his office/workshop/wherever he works and what you'd like to do to him there.

Tell him you're feeling all feverish and distracted and ineffective because you're wet whilst at work/in the supermarket/at a neighbour's or relative's.

Have fun!

I once texted dh telling him that I was in bed wearing tiny underwear, watching porn and waiting for him to get home. That seemed to work pretty well!

Hi bratnav,

I have never done the sex-text thing with my husband, but after reading this thread, I decided to give it a try.

So, this morning I sent him your suggestion. This one: "I just started thinking about the last time we fucked and now my nipples are all hard and my pussy is all wet"

Well, his office is about 1/2 hour's drive from home and he set a new land-speed record, because he was here in 15 minutes flat!

I heard his car even before it arrived - tyres screeching as he rounded the bend!

I wasn't really in the mood, as this was just an experiment for me, but seeing as I had told him that 'my nipples were all hard' I couldn't very well be sporting a Cooper's Droop when he arrived - so I ran to the freezer and pressed a bag of frozen peas against my boobs - that did the trick!

I will definitely be sending more texts in the future!

at nina

Promised update - enormously successful. I was ravished in the hallway, I tell you, ravished. ( No HP sauce on any sausages though ).

Thank you smutmongers of MN from a grateful Rightouttasmut (and Mr RoS - he looks a bit weak today ).

What did you send??

We can't confirm this as a scientific experiment until you tell us this information.

Glad I could help Nina

ohhhh fab Rightouttasmut

a good time was had by all

in the hallway you say ? are you scrubbing handprints off the wall today ?

I hope you kept the noise down...I believe letterboxes let a lot through...

Apologies, Brahms, how remiss of me - I sent one which described in a certain amount of detail how I wanted to kneel in front of him and use my lingusitic ability to bring things to a swallowing type conclusion.

And just for good measure, a second, which informed him I had indeed thrown the cat in the bath ( I may be pararphrasing ) and had been reduced to double clicking my mouse in fevered anticipation of his tumescent return.

Although we may need further evidence to support the hypothesis, I believe the preliminary findings ( on the evidence currently available ) appear to support the conclusion that texting pure filth to a DP/DH has the capacity to induce unbridled sexual excitement in the textee.

AF - I imagine if a neighbour was loitering by the letterbox they may have heard a certain amount of frenzied moaning, however what is Britain coming to if one is unable to shag with abandon in one's own hallway/back garden/coal shed for fear of offending some perverted old busybody ? - it's pc gone mad, I tell you.

ohhh, I am with you on that one

shag away !

< notices that Rightouttasmut is noticeably more cocky today, after her rather more timid post yesterday... >

Snurk.