Help ! - assistance needed from the most depraved mumsnetters

[Rightouttasmut]

Name changed due to embarrassment at imagination failure - I need to send texts of the utmost provocation and smut to dp, you know the kind of thing , instant erection material, and my filth reservoir has dried right up.

I bet there are some hugely talented dirt purveyors on MN ( I'm looking at you Malificence and SGB in particular ), please give me some ideas.

PS I'm not some wanking schoolboy - if you don't believe me, I'll talk you through my coil insertion.

I do love a happy ending.

I can't be ravished in my hallway , the door is fully glazed and we would trip over the dog.
Would it surprise any of you to learn that I bought a leather footstool specifically for fellatio? It's just the right height and it saves my knees. And it's wipe clean.

I attempted a sexy text but wimped out and haven't sent it, I would like to know if it meets the filth criteria.

" Could you still taste me on your lips this morning? My clit is so swollen and tender from your rasping tongue, I keep thinking of the way you made me come again and again before plunging your hot throbbing cock into me - see you tonight for some more? xxxx"

< sinks into puddle on floor >

pmsl at footstool...did it have to be leather ??

I have a throw cushion on my bed

except it's not just for show

Yes, of course it had to be leather.

The dog thought it was for him and was most upset that it's not.

My v shaped pillow ( originally bought for breastfeeding) has a varied and interesting life.

I really want a liberator wedge, have you seen the price of them though?

Fucking helll... I got out for the afternoon and all hell lets loose, and it is only Tuesday.

Let's see this thread get linked to on the MN Facebook page.

Do I have to read through all six pages before coming up with my depraved submission?

Malificence, sorry to say but "rasping tomgue" makes me think of a cat.

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That was a pause so you could think about it.

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I am thinking of texting DH tomorrow though.

This activity would have to be preceded by phone messages such as "Look at your texts, you nong!"

How's about:

"I have been scrubbing the cupboards [relevent] and eating chocolate. I am such a naughty scrubber! Please administer chastisement and chocolate substitute."

Or

"Diet going badly. Am very hungry. Do you have anything I can suck? Yours hopefully, Balloonslayer xxx"

rasping tongue, even.

bbm, you can jump in any time you like

Hmmm, I see your point, probing tongue would be more suitable. Rasping does suggest a sand paper-ish tongue.

I have just been chastised - for eating some of DH's fruit and nut. He hasn't got the energy for a spanking though, he's been up since 5.30 am. No amount of smutty innuendo will get him in the mood tonight I fear.
He did cook my tea though, but not naked as per my request.

DH is snoring in chair next to me

< sigh >

I prefer a flat tongue meself...pointy tongues nooooooooo good

Oh, shame, Mal, you could have put whipped cream on his nut surprise.

Or:

Muscular tongue

Agile tongue

Febrile tongue

Active tongue

Adventurous tongue

Passionate tongue

I could go on . . .

steady on, BS

Can you perchance tell that DH is working late tonight, AF?

I gave him custard on his apple pie instead.

AF - Flat tongue for long licks, pointy tongue for little flicks, a bit of clit sucking works for me too and when combined with some vigorous g-spot massage - even better , especially when you end up with your knees by your ears being given a good hard seeing to, mmmm.................sorry about that, just reliving last night.

I'm insatiable atm!

He's just aksed me if I'm "perving" on mumsnet, 'cos I'm "giggling like a schoolgirl" and he's trying to watch Diehard 4.

huh, BS, at least he has an excuse for his absenteeism

what is my DH's excuse ?

< covers eyes >

Hilarious thread

Word of caution - my father once found my mobile and in an attempt to see who it belonged to, had a look through some of the sent text messages and the inbox

I daren't suggest anything more than dh might want to come home for a packed lunch nowadays

are you ovulating this month, mal ?

As a bit of an interesting aside - I once had a long-distance relationship. We got into the habit of sending filth to each other, which was great - but very hard on the ol'... er... bits.

Anyway - once he sent the message to my parents' landline number by mistake (adjacent in contacts list on his phone). The phone rang, and my mum went to answer it. If you text a BT landline a robotic voice unemotionally reads out the text message and number it's from.

Mum's face...

I got all angry on her behalf; 'what kind of pervert would say stuff like that to you?! Gross! But... I wouldn't bother calling the police...'

Eep!

oh, THANK YOU for that, Undertone I'll be laffing all night!

I'm so tempted to send a filthy text to my own landline, just for the listen ... oh, OK, I will ...

Disappointed. My home phone does text