In turmoil over my affair!!

[neverplanned]

I have been having an affair for three months. Someone just came along and swept me off my feet and I cant believe it has now developed into what we believe is love. I've been married ten years - we have been reasonably happy and have three young children. My husband had a brief affair a few years ago that really knocked me and it took a while to recover from. We did recover though and I thought things were going well between us. How have I let this happen, has anyone been in this situtation and left their husband and split the family for their own reasons. Ive tried to stop seeing this man but can seem to stay away, when im with him I feel like this is where I should be - with him. But when Im at home with my husband I feel guilty and Im in constant turmoil.

The grass isn't always greener. How would you fancy your DH and children feeling like you did all of those years ago when he did it to you, just for something that will 8/10 fade out once the excitement of the affair has gone, and you're picking up his skid marked underpants instead of being smothered with affection?

I can only suggest getting rid of your bit on the side, and evaluating your relationship with DH without outside distractions.

How much of the "love" is the excitement of something new? It is very attractive to be desired by someone and that sometimes wears off if you have all the distractions of everyday life crowding in.

By being able to recover from your husband's infidelity shows that there is something worth saving, but at the same time I feel that you are using it as a reason to legitimise your own behaviour. I don't need to tell you about the hurt and disruption that it can cause and is causing - you have been there and worn the T shirt. I suspect you are distancing yourself from your family and husband at the moment and they are wondering what they have done to cause your disengagement.

I am with ShwWill... you need to distance yourself from your Om and start thinking what you want long term. If it is "Love" when the dust settles he will still be there. If not you will have a more settled relationship with yourself, your family and your husband ( even if you do decide to leave him)

Will admit to an affair but no it didnt go anywhere and im so glad it didnt, at the time i was besotted and wanted it to.
Are you possibly having a revenge affair? Sometimes an affair can be a distraction, an escape, is there something going on that you are finding stressfull?
Feeling unatractive, taken for granted ect? Or are you still pissed of at you dh for his affair?

You might think your in love when in fact you might just love the way this man makes you feel, theres a website called beyond affairs that explains how when you spend time with someone who makes you feel good your brain releases chemicals, you get a "high" and attribute it to that person.This can be addictive "ie i cant stay away from him " but it soon wears off, think teenagers falling in and out of love !

Besides, think carefully, whats the attraction with this bloke, and who is this guy who thinks its ok to stick his face into another mans marriage and family? Do you really want someone like this, and dont buy into his crap about hes never done anything like this before. Is he married too? Either way hes a sneaky fucker, dont doubt it.

Is he going to support you and your dcs when the shit hits the fan? Op if he thought anything of you he would stay away.

Not judging you op at all, have been there and wish someone wouldve slapped me.Fwiw i now hate OM and think he was a predatory dickhead who took advantage of the fact i was feeling vulnerable.Loved me so much he had no regard for my children or me and of course it was fab for him having me fawning over him and spending hours in his bed ect.

Joke is hes minging, what was i thinking !
Theres much more to this op, what else is going on? Shame to spoil a family for some skanky bloke who thinks its ok to shag someone elses wife, you wont always feel like this about him, i promise.

well stop the affair and the guilt will ease

The thing about an affair, and about one so new is that you're still experiencing the rush of a new relationship. And you're also not seeing a 'true' representation of each other - of course the other person seems absolutely your ideal when you only see them for brief moments and not under the normal stresses and strains of household, kids, bills, deadlines, routines and and reality.

I would concentrate on the reasons why you've been tempted outside of your marriage (understanding that having a partner that cheated on you might feel reason enough) and try to be a bit more realistic about what you've got into. The grass is not greener...
and if you're going to let emotions get wrapped up into it all there won't be any winners here.

Hi OP,

I have experience of what you are going through as I have been having an affair for 6 months and have been through more soul searching than I care to mention during this time.

Affairs are extremely destructive and painful for everyone involved and to do the right thing would be to stay away from OM in order to properly focus on what you want, why you 'need' the affair and what you want to do to sort things out in the future. BUT, with so many conflicting emotions going on, I know how hard it is to come to that point of clarity.

With my situation, I am keeping things extremely discreet with the OM - I can't finish with him although I've tried because I'm completely in love with him, but I also love my DH and my family. To me it's as though the two situations are separate from one another. Unfortunaly the OM doesn't stop me loving DH, and vice versa.

The thing is you are in the midst of some extremely complicated feelings and you need to work through them properly. Don't do anything in haste, keep things as normal as you can, keep calm, but make a decision between the men involved as soon as you are ready to reduce the damage and come out with the right outcome for you and everyone involved.

I know I won't leave my DH because things, like you, are good enough between us and we have two DCs. However, the void that would be created by ending it with OM is just to much to bear right now. I'm working on it though, and am making changes in my life that will help me move on from him, without me feeling as though I'm foresaking my happiness for the sake of the children. I have to get over it properly - not end up like some other MNers who, years later, are still pining for their OMs because they've broken of all contact, which has left the sitation 'high and dry'.

I don't feel guilt because I feel helpless at the moment - almost like I'm a victim of the situation rather than the perpetrator, but I AM very ashamed of myself and feel like I'm letting everyone down by not being strong enough or moral enough to have avoided getting into this. It's not a 'happy' situation to be in at all so I'm not 'having my cake and eating it' like some may think.

You must realise that you are probably in the first flush of love/lust and so you won't beable to make a rational decision about your future until these feelings calm down a bit and you are able to sort your head out better. This is what I'm gunning for now - for some time to pass, for my emotions to settle down, so that I can think clearly. I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

MN is not the best place to discuss family destructive behaviour as you will get a thrashing, but what I've learned is not to take on the berating from others that are comfortably sitting in their own happy marriages, who have never dealt with an affair, and who believe that they, themselves, are not capable of straying off the paths of monogamy. These are not the best advisors - you, by having experienced on both sides, are far better placed to form an opinion so trust in yourself.

Try to keep a sense of perspective. You probably feel despair at the moment, but this will pass evenutally. It's better to ride out this affair until you are ready to properly move on (if that's what you decide to do) in my opinion, than try and do the right thing prematurely, finish it and forever go on pining for what could have been; like some ill-fated romantic tradgegy.

Bottom line is don't make a life-changing decision right now as you won't be in the best frame of mind and may indeed break up a good family life for what may just be a passionate, but brief, romance. Wait for the clarity to come and you will know what to do for the best. Good luck. You are not alone.

Good post Popzie. Op your probably all over the place right now, i used to swing from high to low , despair to depression, he was all i thought about and i wanted to be with him constantly.

What is it, really, about OM? What qualities does he have that you love so much, or is it simply how he makes you feel? What negative qualitys are you overlooking? You already know hes a liar and is ok with sleeping with someone elses wife.
And your DH, is it likeley that he is going to stay single for the rest of his life, or will another woman apreciate his good qualitys, as you once did.

Not trying to beat on you op, but i wish id thought things through a whole lot better. There was tears all round, you can imagine. The bottom line was, i wanted what i had with OM with Dh.Instead of working to get that i just invested all that energy into some nob who i now would happily wipe my arse on.

When you are washing his socks, cooking his dinner, having a row over the kids, trying to sort out visiting with your poor DH, doctors, dentist, school runs, bills and so on I think you might find the shine has gone, then what?
Look for the next man to give you a bit of a thrill?

Your poor children deserve better.

Oh for gods sake, how selfish can you get!! You do have a choice and whilst you think you are in control just imagine what would happen if your H found out. Every day I deal with the fall out of my now divorced ex's affairs and believe me, as a LP its just not all that funny anymore. My kids have gone from a happy secure childhood to living hours from their father who they rarely see and a having mother who now works all hours to support them. Is this the kind of future you want for your family??

When I had my emotional affair (all done via text and email, we never met though he was an ex from years ago) someone on here said something about having to explain to my kids I had messed up their lives because I wanted a shag. It hurt at the time but she was right.

Still married, don't talk to ex and I am glad I didn't meet him.

Ah, 3 months is the honeymoon period, everything very new and exciting. You will get fed up with him, get annoyed with the hassle of it all and feeling bad all the time and chuck him. If you force yourself to stop seeing him now, it will probably make you want him even more. But if you let it take its course, you will probably get bored. Don't get caught though.

Another one with sad personal experience.it was the same for me - when I least expected it OM came along and bowled me over with compliements, poetry etc. said he loved me and after I while I came to care very much about him too. 4 months down the line he dumped me by email and I realsied I'd spent 4 very traumatic months full of guilt excitement that was so intoxicating it stopped me functioning at work, as a friend and for my family, and there I was, very miserable and totally pissed off for another 3 months at the end of it. It won't last, but as some others have said better to let it run its course - it will be something to put down to experience.

brahms (sorry, not picking on you, yours just jumped out)...would you give the same advice if this were a man posting ?

just carry on until you get fed up of it ?

Is he married too?

It helps if he is, because you can turn the tables and get furious that he is stringing you along and obviously someone capable of deceit on a grand scale...which it seems you are also, sadly...you can start to backtrack now though, which is going to be better than feeling like a total sh*t for years to come once it hits the fan.

iyswim.
think how you will see yourself when you look in the mirror in a year, or two,

you need to be able to respect that person and if you carry on with this you won't have that respect. It's a bad place to be...you're selling out basically.

You have two choices both painful - either walk away from the OM, or walk away from your DH.

If things continue as they are you'll put yourself through hell - it's impossible to be truly happy in limbo.

And TBH your DH does have a right to know what the state of his marriage is.

AF, I would tbh. I think most affairs generally run their course in the end. The effort of the deceit, the frustration at not being able to be together all the time takes its toll and becomes boring and irritating. But if you stop while still in the honeymoon period there is a risk of always thinking of it as the Great Love That Never Was instead of a slip-up which will bring you no benefit. It's easier to let go once a few flaws have crept in (and they most likely will).

And I would also advise to question why you are having the affair. What are you missing? Is it a deep essential thing or something you can live without? And yes, try to imagine seriously what it would be like if you were together properly, with all the boring domestic dross. And consider the massive hassle of splitting up with your DH.

Don't tell your DH - you will only be doing iit to ease your conscience, quite selfish imo.

Think of yourself as the ow in your h affair - how do you see her? Is that what you want people to think of you.

You are knowingly creating a situation where your children may not be able to forgive you (and that is their right after all). Try thinking how you would explain that to them now and in the future.

I know what my children think of the ow and also what they think of my h because of the affair he had - he is having to work very hard to make it up to them too.

You know what you are doing is wrong - however much you justify it to yourself - it is your choice.

You are feeling guilty for a reason - dont push that feeling away as if it doesnt matter because it does.

I dont feel smug when i look in the mirror but i also like the person i see and know i am - i would not trade that for anyone.

that is interesting brahms, had never thought of it like that

although I have never had an affair...so not qualified to comment, tbh

I just feel sorry for the OP's DH, he has no fucking idea he is even fighting for his marriage

there is no level playing field here

and no matter what happens, the OP will always think of her husband as a cuckold and diminished in some way

not a good recipe for future happiness...for anyone, even if she dumps OM and gives her marriage another shot

it has been ruined forever...but then I guess I fall into the camp that thinks infidelity in a (previously-agreed)monogamous marriage is a total deal-breaker

Well the H had an affair before, and althought that's not a justification for the OP doing it you could say it was him who 'broke' the marriage not her. I think it's recoverable though.

Why is it that the OM is being regarded as the one to blame here? Besides, think carefully, whats the attraction with this bloke, and who is this guy who thinks its ok to stick his face into another mans marriage and family? Do you really want someone like this, and dont buy into his crap about hes never done anything like this before. Is he married too? Either way hes a sneaky fucker, dont doubt it. I have read so many threads where we are told it is NOT the fault of the OW and that we should not expect any 'loyalty' from OW and yet in the post I have quoted, the implication is (to me anyway) that it is the fault of the OM. Seems like double standards to me. it is one thing to support the OP through what is clearly a difficult and upsetting time, but support does not mean absolving her of all responsibility for her actions surely?

Just as her OM had a choice, so did she and she chose to have this affair. She now has to choose how she wants it to end: by finishing the affair and working on her marriage, by finishing her marriage and continuing the affair or by finishing both and working out exactly what she wants on her own.

Whatever route she chooses, she needs to be aware that there will be consequences and she needs to be prepared to live with them.

although the h had the affair before it does justify the op now doing so.

Maybe she regrets not getting out then but she chose to stay for a reason.

it might give her some insight into why she does it though. But by forgiving his affair she has committed to the marriage again.

Sayithowitis, the post was not meant in any way to blame the OM, nor to absolve op of any responsibility, they are both wrong, sometimes it helps to see the OM for what he is as opposed to some love stricken tragic farytale.
And my post about my OM was not meant in that way either, i take full responsibility, and ill never be more sorry for anything, but at the time, they are a tragic love story, ridiculous as it sounds.
Might help op to see him in that way, not as in, oh its all his fault sort of way, but really, just who does he think he is shagging someones wife.

FWIW I don't disagree with your basic sentiment, but I do wonder how that fits with what seems to be the general consensus on MN that OW should not be held in any way responsible for choosing to be with a man who is married to someone else. Personally, I think the same about OW as you seem to about Om : who do they think they are shagging someone else's wife/husband.

I have the same opinion about OW and OM, sadly myself included, i hate that i can post on these threads. Me, who had a scathing attitude towards cheating too.
My decision, my call, and the consequences for everyone are entireley mine.
I will say this though op, you know those dull evenings when your dh is just casually watching tv, kids are driving you mad, and all you want to do is run off to other man?
If this doesnt stop, there will be a time when you sit wanting those dull boring normal nights back with the kids and dh.

All in the past for me now, but i miss those nights , will admit to a few tears tonight over it too.And thats not unusual.
OP, its likeley your not thinking straight at the moment, freinds told me i had gone mad but i wouldnt listen.Started drinking and driving ( again something ive never done ) and had a complete disregard for everyone.

Ended up parked on a hillside writing future birthday cards to my dcs as i was seriously considering opting out as everything was such a mess and i really couldnt cope.
Not good at all, please get some counselling before this gets out of hand.

Well these things happen - I think the melodrama aspects of relationships outside the primary relationship (not calling it an 'affair' because that has so many emotive connotations) end up being so - exhausting for all involved and ultimately, quite self-indulgent.

Sorry, not trying to minimise the trauma you are in, but, if you look at it from a slightly different perspective - ie: monogamous relationships for 40 + years are slightly unrealistic (hence divorce/other relationships etc) then you can take away all the heightened emotions, melodrama, hysteria - and just - get on with it - or not.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the whole "getting off" on an "illicit" relationship - just, really tiresome - especially the bystanders who just love getting off on all the drama - perhaps they are so bored with their own lives they just have to meddle in other people's??

Perhaps it's a case of get on with it, or get over it - not that much of a big deal really.

Sorry - but lots of worse things to worry about at the moment.