In turmoil over my affair!!

[neverplanned]

I have been having an affair for three months. Someone just came along and swept me off my feet and I cant believe it has now developed into what we believe is love. I've been married ten years - we have been reasonably happy and have three young children. My husband had a brief affair a few years ago that really knocked me and it took a while to recover from. We did recover though and I thought things were going well between us. How have I let this happen, has anyone been in this situtation and left their husband and split the family for their own reasons. Ive tried to stop seeing this man but can seem to stay away, when im with him I feel like this is where I should be - with him. But when Im at home with my husband I feel guilty and Im in constant turmoil.

It's not the 'it' you want, it's the fantasy of 'it'.

I don't think it's wrong that you can post on here Dignified, in fact it is important that you and others who have been in this situation do post because only those who have been in the situation can say what it feels like. I can't. I am grateful that I have never been in your situation. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I tend to think that in order to be tempted, things could not all have been right with your marriage, but only you know the truth of it.
FWIW, I admire you for being honest about this because you could have laid yourself open to a flaming. I hope that things are getting better for you.

dignified i think you make a good point - after my h affair he did take full responsibility for it but he can also now see the ow for what she is too.
He hates himself but also hates her too - how could he ever have loved such a selfish person who was willing to destroy so many lives for their own pleasure?

We all have quiet nights where we would love a bit of excitement - that what mills and boon are for.
There is certainly nothing wrong with having a fantasy it is just if you act on it and in the process know you are hurting others or treating them with such little respect.

And as for the comment that 'affairs happen' - lots of things 'just happen' and are a sad fact of our modern life - it does not mean we have to like it though does it?

You feel guilty?

Boo hoo.

That's what happend when you betray the person you have shared your life with for the last 10 years.

What did you expect to feel?

You talk about being swept off your feet, because that seems to take the responsibility of choice away from you, like it wasn't your decision to start lying. But it was.

If this was a man, he would be destroyed on here. Your DH having a previous affair does not validate this one. You wanted to move on and progress so you forgave him and stayed with him. If you wanted to shag around, you should have left him.

What worth is a marriage where both of you are sneaking around cheating? Just leave him and get on with it

I'm a lot older than you and my circumstances are rather different (married for many years, 2 DCs and a very clear idea of what are the difficult areas in my marriage.

However, just because you are 30 or 50 it isn't the case that you feel any different at all than you did at 15 or 18 in relation to affairs of the heart ( and other bits) and it is quite scary how someone who seems to instinctively know what you need can get under your skin so quickly.

I had a very torrid affair with a neighbour/colleague last summer. He was most definately not my type, some aspects of his appearance and behaviour were repulsive but I was so besotted that nice hair and blue eyes were all that mattered to me on that front. In reality, if you ignore the months of risque emails, coffe meets etc that preceded it it lasted 4 months. During that time I was obsessed, miserable at home, found the weekends when we couldn't see each other a nightmare and for part of the period I would have run away with him in only the clothes I stood up in.

Now it has all finished I just can't believe we were ever involved at all. We are so cool with each other in meetings now and so professional and grown up I can't believe I know where all his tattoos are etc. But if I haed gone off with hime we would have been hated by everyone we know, would have left two famillies in a terrible state and would have been totally broke after paying for all of it.

At the time I got a terrible flaming on here for sharing my feelings, and the monogamists were out in force. No one suggested letting things run their course. In my case he ended it after I came back from holiday citing pressure of work. I was very upset and went for counselling - cathartic, but not that helpful. In about 10 weeks I was recovered, and had a whole raft of logical reasons I can understand which tell me this was a very bad idea, which hopefully means this will not happen again.

Anyfucker, when I was posting on here about my situation a couple of months ago you were straight in on the thread doing what you're doing here - wanting a bucket of blood for my dabblings with another man. While I thought at the time you could have been right, that I needed a cold bucket of water poured over me, I can see now that this was not what I needed at all. What I needed was for someone to help me see the wood for the trees so to speak - without the 'you will pay in hell for breaking your marriage vows' line. It's no good telling someone in OP's situation to break it off, tell all and then move on.

People leave their marriages all the time for OMs and OWs and are happy to conclude that they are much better off after making the break. You wouldn't think of slating a happy couple who are successfully making a go of it years down the line, who met while in 'unhappy' marriages. How do you know OP won't be one of them? OP is currently trying to weigh up if the gamble and heartache will be worth it in years to come. At the moment she's not able to draw on the right conclusion because she's in too deep with the OM. I can tell you that, at this stage, the vow breaking argument/monogamy is probably getting swallowed up in a host of other complex feelings and is, I'm afraid, probably completely drowned out by the fact that she is head over heels in 'love' and worried for the future. Until she is calmer and more rational, OP will not be in a fit state to reflect properly in order to do the right thing.

I think it's better to have an affair and get it out of your system than get into a serial monogamy trap. That is not to say, however, that I'd go looking for an affair or that I condone them in any way. They are seriously best avoided, but once you're in it, it's bloody difficult to switch off from things. I can tell you that when I'm through with this (and I'm almost there) I will know the warning signs in the future and stay well clear of any danger.

Thank you all for your comments and shared views. The OM is single he was in a new relationship when we met. He tried more than me to stop this from going anywhere at the start. When he realised his feelings were so strong for me he finished the other relationship. He too is in turmoil over the situation, he hates the deceit and what he is doing with another mans wife but not enough to stop it. We have agreed that it way too soon to know if its real or not, from reading the threads I'm starting to think its lust. I think things will run its course and hopefully I will wake up and realise what a fool I have been.

Popzie thank you in particular for your posts, you are so close to the mark and it good to hear from someone who knows exactly what I am going through. Thank you. Good to hear that you are near to the end and it all being put behind you.

VCAU - I'm glad you posted. You helped me last year with my situation. You sound really well and have come a really long way - even since November when I posted. I also relate to what you say about the infatution. In my case the OM is really very unsuitable in some ways (not in all, but then he wouldn't would he) i.e. he is not financially stable, not in great shape for his age etc, but I'm besotted. Ridiculous. I hope this crush ends soon so I can get back to my life.

Hey neverplanned; you're welcome. I know how powerful and consuming this can be. In my case hearing VCAU and dignified both expressing how they would have just upped and left for their OMs; and that they are now able to both look back and see how foolish they were being; really helps me because it emphasises that I can come through this - no matter how intense things feel now.

I have been through the 'I've met my soulmate' anguish for months (I've known the OM for years and we do and always have had a special connection) but I'm gradually beginning to think that we're actually better off as friends, without the hurt, pain and complexities of all this affair business.

The way I've acted over the last weeks is like I've just cracked out of an egg, taken one look at my OM and began following him around besotted like he's all I've got in my world. The main thing I'm ashamed of is that, because of all this, I've not been focusing on or enjoying my DCs like I should. For that I'm really sorry. I don't want that type of distraction so I want this situation burried.

Op, wrt hope this crush ends soon, i beleive its possible to speed that up by focusing on his negatives, and i mean REALLY focusing.
I was aware that my om would sometimes make slightly derogatory comments about my dh,not openly, but you might know what i mean.
Also would encourage me to fob the kids off or sneak off to meet him, again not something i looked at too closeley.
Also noticed he contradicted himself and told minor lies, i would often be upset about a row me and dh had, and he would act all wise " he doesnt know himself " blah blah! Didnt have many freinds because he was " picky " about who he wanted to know, but i met him how, through dh who he then used to put down.
And as for not financially stable, not in great shape, mine was a long term unemployed dosser who hadnt worked in years and honestly looked like lurch from the Adams family.
I honestly wonder if i had some sort of mental breakdown.And im being serious.

popzie, my views on infidelity are pretty well sign-posted, that I agree

but I don't accept I ask anyone for a "bucket of blood" nor tell someone they will "pay in hell"

how melodramatic

tbh, your comments there just reinforce how it was all about the "drama" and allll about you

read my words, you are putting an interpretation on them that is a product of your guilt

I make no apologies for pouring cold water on these unrealistic romances, for every happy-ever-after there are a hundred devastated women, wrecked families and damaged children

I am on your side, believe me

unfortunately, some people cannot be saved from themselves...there, now I am being melodramatic

I would say things are more traumatic in this situation rather than dramatic. You make it sounds as though we are secretly enjoying getting off on walking around as though we're in some sort of DH Lawrence novel, fainting, throwing ourselves into the arms of the OMs and believing we're the heroines of some love lorn tragedy.

In some countries women are compelled to have affairs that have them stoned to death for goodness sake. Despite the fact they can be publicly slaughtered affairs still go on - that is how confusing, traumatic and unbelievably irrisistable they can be.

I know where you're coming from Anyfucker, to you it is a simple case of do the right thing and that honesty is always the best policy, but you are looking at things without having been there yourself. You can get so messed up you don't even have the capacity to think about what your children want yet alone what sort of treatment your grown up DH is gettinhg from you. It's all consuming, and no not always selfish because if us 'cheaters' were all to act selfishly we wouldn't hesitate to replace our mundane relationships with something spicier and more seductive; at anyone's expense. The least selfish thing you can actually do is pull yourself together quickly, don't turn it into a soap opera, deal with things on secret and call things a day as soon as you can find it in you.

You look at things far too simplistically Anyfucker. If I had listened to your advice way back when I'd have told my DH all, I'd probably be separated by now, everyone heartbroken, massive concequences, no one speaking to each other. As it is now, I've got a grip, put things behind me and am prepared to take this to the grave. No broken family, no fatherless children, no mega disaster. To me it looks as though you are the one hankering after a bit of drama by encouraging the truth be told no matter what. Now that reall would be opening a massive can or worms.

Agree with Popzie - the truth is massively overrated. If everyone was pathologically honest with each other all the time, I wouldn't be surprised if there were no relationships at all.

Best thing to do is close the door and move on.

I get what you are saying popzie, really I do (as much as I could, I guess, not having been there)

was I really so adamant you must tell your DH? Are you sure that was me, I may have agreed with others that it would be best to do so, but am just wondering now if you have mixed me up with someone else

there is another poster with similar views, who is very black and white that you should always tell all (sorry, love, you know who you are, not trying to pass the buck, honest)

perhaps I should refrain from posting from the viewpoint of the cheated-upon partner, who so often in these cases gets to have no say in the matter at all

I think it's worth considering the possible reactions of your DCs in all this too.

Both my parents had affairs which wrecked their marriages - my Dad's put the kybosh on his marriage to my Mum, my Mum's ended her marriage to my stepdad.

When my M&D split, I was relatively young, but the fact he'd had an affair did diminish my Dad in my eyes and I lost all respect for him, as did my sister. Our relationship did recover eventually, but it took a while.

It was possibly even worse when I found out about my Mum (because she'd kept the moral high ground after my Dad's affair) - I was an adult by then, but I had a good relationship with my stepdad and he'd been part of my life for a long time. My Mum and I barely talked for a good year or more after it happened and I was furious with her for a long time. Again, our relationship has now recovered, but it wasn't easy.

I myself have since cheated on a DP - not married, but as good as - so I appreciate the feelings involved from the other side too. I still regret what I did, but I didn't pursue the "tell all" policy and in retrospect, I'm glad. I believed that the affair was a symptom rather than the course of our own problems and didn't want to wreck our future relationship (and shared history) with revelations that would stir up more pain - for both of us. NB We didn't have children, that may have changed things.

Sorry this has been a long post, but I hope by telling you my experiences, they might offer you another angle or two on your own. I hope it all gets sorted out for the best.

I'm taking a deep breath before the lynching begins. OP, I know where you are and I know where you're going. I have just crossed the year mark in my affair, but it is not the classic affair. We did everything in our power to not get swept away by the insanity of an affair, because we were both well aware that the carnage would be horrendous. People rarely get caught in a brief indiscretion, but when it carries on and there is a burning, chemical-laden desire to see each other all the time and to maybe plan to exit the marriage(s), it fast becomes a disaster. You risk discovery with each passing day and walk on a bed of nails.

It is easy for people who have never been in an affair or affected by one to judge you. We were all like that once, myself included, and I am as shocked as any woman who enters into one, risking all.

Marriage isn't easy. It's bills and kids and laundry and chauffering and illness and god knows what else. We lose our independence and with that goes a chunk of our former selves. Add to that that romantic love typically has a brief shelf-life, and most of us are a moment away from disaster. I know, I know, most posters in this forum will massacre me for saying this, but I also know that one day many of you will look back and wonder just how you crossed over to the dark side. It's called human nature. Changing needs. Loss of desire. The list goes on and on. I am not condoning or justifying, I am simply stating facts. People fool around. It is in our DNA. We marry with the hopes and dreams that we'll defy the odds and remain in long, healthy, happy, romantic marriages. Few of us do. Some of us mess up.

My affair is a year old. It is controlled and passionate, but we avoid all the pitfalls of a typical affair. The crazy contact, the dangerous liaisons when we could get caught. If you do insist on staying in this affair, for the sake of your family, control it. Set boundaries. Ride it out. And I wish I could say that mine is coming to an end. I look for reasons why, but I flounder. We don't see each other often, but if fulfills a need.

Fire away, everybody...

I can understand why it happens.
I too have been swept off my feet. But i do not think it is an excuse for continued dreadful behaviour.

The lying to your partner for me is the worst crime - it is a form of control. And the destruction that could follow is just dreadful.

Lots of human behaviour could be labelled as in our DNA - many people have a deep anger - but if that 'natural' anger came out and someone was hurt - as a society we would punish it.
I confess to having a desire to drive really fast - i would suspect that most of the time it would be of no danger to anyone else - but we have 'rules' to abide by to minimize the danger to others.

I am glad i did not act on my lustful desires (of course i sometimes wonder about it) but i am so glad i never did actually cross that line.
I also hope that if i did i would have the courage to give my partner the chance to live their life too and not keep them in a controlled state of ignorance about the person i truly was.

You do have the power to stop this - there is not some 'greater force' making you do what you know to be dreadful behaviour.

angela1961..well done for speaking honestly.

People forget that we are all fallible, incomplete human beings, changing and growing all the time.

I'm not condoning an affair, but I think it is naive to think that even the most solid of marriages will never be tested.

I admit, I have considered having an affair myself - a discreet one just to get something extra in my life. But I've never acted on it because I could never do that to my dh. And I respect him too much to lie and deceive him. We have a relationship based on trust.

It's not uncommon to get bored, to wonder 'is this it'? It's whether we act on it like, get taken away by the drama and the romance, or think rationally like grownups about what effect our actions could have.

Im in the process of trying to put my marriage back together after having a short destructive affair. I completely agree with most of the advice offered here. One of the best bits of advice I got was to look at feelings for OM as an addiction. Noone gets addicted to drugs or alcohol coz it makes them feel bad they meet a need for escapism, pleasure, to numb pain etc. But we are all agreed that ultimately they do you harm and can destroy your life

so when u cut off contact with OM you have withdrawal symptoms it's painful. Everytime u have any contact u go back into withdrawal. But it's the right thing to do while u work out if u want yr mariage to continue. I initially thought u could have both but u can't. U have to be a much better deciever and ruthless than I am to juggle both. Plus u never can judge what OMs emotions and actions will be. Even if he tells u he's content with what u can offer that can change and he can put impossible demands on u.
So I'm for no contact. Work on yr marriage. If u decide to end it and OM is the one he'll be there

I had an affair during my first marriage,I couldn't see it at the time but it was based completely on lust & lots of it,I was obssessed with him.My marriage wasn't good,emotionally abusive husband,I was also suffering from PND (by the way I'm not making excuses!)The OM was also married,but he was on a second chance after a previous affair.
It was very intense & my h never suspected anything.My h & I separated during the affair after the emotional abuse turned physical & the affair carried on but eventually fizzled out 6 months later.
I have now re-married & the OM is a very good friend of mine.
Affairs drain you of all your rational thought,the lust completely takes over & you loose all the power to function normally.
When I look back on mine now I can see it for what it really was.But you need that clarity before you can decide what to do & that will not happen at this lustful stage you are at now.

I doubt if I've ever read such a load of selfish drivel in my life, "helpless victim", "not in control", oh please.

It's pure selfishness, nothing more - you can stop it, you can act rationallly, if you want to, does it make things easier, whilst lying to your partner and children, to think "poor me, I can't help it"? Get a fucking grip and stop bleating.
If you can do this, you don't love your husbands or your children, you don't care if they get hurt by the fallout when it all comes crashing down - if you did you would not be doing it.
For God's sake either grow up and sort out your marriages or stop looking for sympathy, you are feeling guilt and shame for a reason you know. Weak and selfish liers, what a lovely combination.

By Popzie
I don't feel guilt because I feel helpless at the moment - almost like I'm a victim of the situation rather than the perpetrator

Lololololol. You keep telling yourself that and I hope it makes you feel better. Start a thread for adulterous wives and you can all support each other and create new justifications for your behaviour.
You know perfectly well that you are choosing to continue your various affairs. Keep your bloody knickers on and all will be well.
FFS

I always say the same things on these threads - good people sometimes do bad things, don't they.

Emotions aren't rational, and neither is sex. Affairs do happen, look at all the people on here whose DHs had affairs totally unexpectedly.

What I don't swallow is the line that your spouse is always the right person for you to be with, and your bit on the side is always the wrong person. Sure, that may be true in many cases but what of all the happy, long term relationships that started when one or both parties was with somebody else?

My parents have been married to my step parents for over twice as long as they were married to each other. For them, their spouse wasn't the right person.

As for the idea there's a 'concensus' on here that the OW is not to blame, this is hooey. I'd say it's roughly a 50/50 split. I say the OW or OM is not to blame myself, but loads disagree with me, some to the point of near violence.

OP, you know you need to make a move in one direction or another. Only you know what that direction is. You can't have your cake and eat it - you will be found out soon enough anyway. As others have said - look down the line and think, where do you see yourself. Do you actually want to have a whole life with this other guy, warts and all? Or is it just a distraction from the monotony of monogamy?

MorrisZapp --

Your words: 'What I don't swallow is the line that your spouse is always the right person for you to be with, and your bit on the side is always the wrong person.'

I agree. Sometimes, but not always. In my case that is absolutely true. Both my husband and I are well aware that we have changed and grown in different directions. We are plutonic friends, parents and business partners. The desire for romance with the other is long gone. We are civilized and we run a happy home. The children live in a very ordinary home that is likely better than two separate homes. I presume my husband gets his needs met elsewhere.

I didn't enter into this affair lightly, and it's not insane and it won't end in ugliness or despair, but I am well aware that most do. Our 'marriage' per se was over long before my (his?) affair began. I don't condone my actions. I simply state the facts. I am also saying that if you have allowed yourself to be completely swept off your feet in a frightening way and feel complete loss of control, yes, your affair will unquestionably end poorly and likely with your kids spread between two homes, etc.

Mine is an affair that is sadly built on far more than lust. It will be long term and yes, I will at some point end my marriage. But not to be with him. My marriage will unravel and likely our indiscretions have allowed our kids to live longer with both of us. Every marriage is different and long ago we had the right conversations about human sexuality and our lack of desire. Even with discovery, the shock-waves would be minimal and likely not for public consumption. If you DO choose to continue with your affair, for goodness sakes, make sure you are of sound mind and not blown away by the newness and wonder of it all and ensure that your husband does not mistakenly believe that he is in a good marriage with a woman who loves him romantically. That will end tragically, and with so much pain that nobody will recover.