In turmoil over my affair!!

[neverplanned]

I have been having an affair for three months. Someone just came along and swept me off my feet and I cant believe it has now developed into what we believe is love. I've been married ten years - we have been reasonably happy and have three young children. My husband had a brief affair a few years ago that really knocked me and it took a while to recover from. We did recover though and I thought things were going well between us. How have I let this happen, has anyone been in this situtation and left their husband and split the family for their own reasons. Ive tried to stop seeing this man but can seem to stay away, when im with him I feel like this is where I should be - with him. But when Im at home with my husband I feel guilty and Im in constant turmoil.

But it's such a huge gamble with an affair. You say you think fifty times before leaving the marriage for the sake of the very same children whose happiness and security you jeopardise each time you see the OM.

I think it's the loss of the security of the family unit which prevents women leaving, rather than the well being of the other family members. Because if it was their happiness you were concerned with, you wouldn't continue the affair, would you?

In this situation I really can't see 'shades of grey'. Either you are in a monogamous relationship, or you're not. You feel this demonstrates my immaturity, but I'm not the one being dishonest, weasling around behind my family's back and putting at risk their happiness and security.

There is so much evaluating and analysing on this thread, yet very little self awareness imo.

I have said in a previous post that Angela's unconventional yet honest relationship is a different issue entirely, festive.
The majority of affairs are based in deceit.

'It takes some maturity to see things in shades of grey.'

It takes an even greater amount of maturity to communicate to your spouse, the person you promised to honour and cherish, that your marriage is in such a bad state you are considering having sex with someone else.

I was there once. And a very good friend, although gay and then not able to marry his partner legally, said it best: 'Except in cases of rape, 'No,' is always an option.'

Also, festive, an open relationship is a different animal entirely to a situation where one party believes it to be monogamous and the other chooses to cheat.

Expat: it's all very well being willing to communicate, but if your partner isn't, that can be rather soul destroying. If to communicate will destroy a marriage and you don't want that, then you're on a sad path to nowhere.

It's better to talk, to not have an affair, to be honest and to be open. But people fail at all sorts of things, and they fail even with the best will, and the best efforts.

I posted once that an affair is a road to hell, not in the religious sense (though I believe that too), and I still think so. It must be utter hell and self loathing, and even more hellish when the truth emerges and when children are damaged. But people believe themselves to be strong when they are at their most fallible: they believe they can limit damage to themselves and control the effects of their actions.

From what I've read it seems that is rarely the case. Affairs cut people up so much they always seem to end up ripping up other people's lives in a belated effort to do the right thing.

I can see all that, but I still understand why they happen.

'If to communicate will destroy a marriage and you don't want that, then you're on a sad path to nowhere.'

When someone else's cock enters your fanjo, or vice versa, your marriage is already in tatters.

and when you continue to refuse to take ownership of your actions, by asserting excuses 'I didn't plan it' 'He swept me off my feet' 'How did this happen?' 'I can't seem to stop' you're just as reponsible as a partner who won't communicate.

Exactly expat.

You are destroying your marriage regardless once you enter into the affair. It's just that your weapon of choice was the cock rather than the communication.

And you'd know would you? You'd know every thing about the relationship two people have? You'd be the expert on that? Their experiences? Their mental, moral and emotional condition? The needs of their children and the care they give? The sacrifices people make? Their wider relationships outside the marriage? Just because of that?

Oh this is pointless. You lot ought to have private little pulpits you carry round with you and bags of stones in your pockets.

Well, here's what I know: I told my ex h just that, 'I'm thinking of sleeping with someone else.'

We divorced after a painful separation.

Financially, I never recovered.

When I was 19, I had an affair with my 43-year-old philosophy professor. I thought I was sophisticated and experienced. Really I was just one of a long line who fell for his lines and a fool into the bargain. A really stupid thing to do.

So becuase someone disagrees that makes them sanctimonious and a know-it-all?

Funny way to run a discussion.

When it comes to things like cheating on your family, you either fish or cut bait.

Oh, and this is all assuming the spouse doesn't find out about the affair.

A big assumption as well.

People do what works. And for some, that means getting off on melodrama/turmoil whatever you want to call it, no matter who might get hurt.

Yes, I think the "shades of grey", "not wanting to destroy the marriage" and "people are fallible" statements are just further subterfuges for not taking responsibility for one's own life and choices. With the exception of Angela's open marriage, which in fact is implicit, rather than explicit, all of this involves deceit - something I imagine none of us can defend as a behaviour and one that we wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of?

It would be interesting to find out why the posters on this thread are really staying in their marriages - these marriages with poor communication, no sex, no emotional intimacy - and what they believe their children are really learning about adult relationships.

I recall a really interesting thread on here a while ago from a woman who was having an affair and had the honesty to say she was staying in her marriage because she liked her comfortable lifestyle - and since her lover was poor, she wouldn't be leaving her H. If her lover won the lottery, she would be "off like a shot". Whilst those of us who have always contributed financially (childcare permitting) in our marriages, found those views abhorrent, I had to at least commend her honesty and lack of self-delusion about why she was really staying in her marriage.

I remember Popsie's original thread and she didn't sound happy, and I remember thinking that perhaps she was living in a bit of a bubble, and just escaping from things that needed attention. Now I think she's saying that she's happy, that it's complicated but it's working, and she knows all that she does, in which case - whose to judge.

I think OP is in love.

And if so, then perhaps she should be with this other man?
Perhaps she should go with it, and have that relationship fully and life her life completely?

I do understand why women have affairs. It was the stream of justifications and total rejection of responsibility for them that pissed me off.

Twice in two days I have been accused on mn of being pious or a paragon of virtue. Firstly because I think it's wrong to swear in the presence of children, and now for my dislike of infidelity

As someone said on another thread, it seems the moral high ground is not a popular place to occupy on mn.
I'm off to polish my pulpit.

Haven't read whole thread but just wanted to add my 2 pence worth.

I was with my ex (dad of my 2 kids) for 8 years. We weren't unhappy, weren't that happy either. Both of us were pretty bored with eachother, didn't even have that much in common, looking back. our sex life was boring. once a week (if that) with the lights off - to quote a cliche ;)

After months of the relationship steadily getting worse, Ex said he was leaving. I thought he had someone else, but he wouldnt admit it initially. but (long story) I found out. I was furious, hurt, and devastated at first. BUT within just weeks, I realised I was happier without him as I came to accept what I had know for a long time - that the relationship had run its course.

Now we get on fairly amicably, I even (bizarrely, I guess!) get on with his girlfriend. And I can tell that they are absolutely head over heels, they are so right for eachother in a way that me and him never were for eachother. As for me, I am in no hurry to start dating again but the prospect is exciting and I know I have the chance to meet someone and experience falling absolutely head over heels and have a great relationship, not just a boring, stale one that has run its course.

I guess what I am saying (in a long winded way) is that if OP's marriage was a good one she would not have got in to this situation. The very fact that she is in love (or even thinks she is) with someone else, suggests blatantly to me that her present relationship is pretty dead. I believe that if you truly love someone - you don't fall in love (or lust) with someone else.

Harlem - I think it's that 'disliking' infidelity is really neither here nor there in the context of this thread.

You might 'like' monogamy, sure, it's a good idea if you're raising children, but your preference doesn't make you 'right'. It just makes you decisive.

The moral high ground is generally a pretty arid and bare place to be I think because it is so far removed from the general complexities of life. No?

and FWIW - OP sounds like she is in love.

Good luck OP. Listen to your heart. Not the sanctimonious preachers who are probably stuck in boring dead marriages and dont even realise it!!!!

x

gosh, I am late to get back to this thread

and unfortunately, a fe pages too late to pick up on kiwi's assassination of my character

but I will say this...kiwi, have you actually read any of my posts ?

"I believe that if you truly love someone - you don't fall in love (or lust) with someone else."

And sadly it's because people really believe this statement that they end up lurching from one relationship to another, only to realise that the problem was about them and not the primary partner. And it is why OW so often believe that the problem was with the wife - and not the infidel who might later cheat on them too.

Glad you've emerged with your esteem intact though Rock - whilst challenging your statement, I do see how relationships that never had much of a spark to begin with i.e. those that people "settle" for, might go this way. It's a pity your XP didn't raise his dissatisfaction in a more mature way, but glad you're in a happy place.

I'm in a slightly different position to you. Have been seeing OM for over a year but it only happened because my DH pretty much refused to have sex with me. I'm not sure if he just has no sex drive or is secretly gay...honestly I would not be surprised.

So after years of begging for attention/not begging but hoping, etc, I gave up and gave in to an affair. So now I get to see a man who thinks I'm great and who I have a good laugh with. And DH gets his f*ing laundry done and his meals on the table. I try not to be bitter about DH screwing up what I thought was a great relationship, but he is just not interested in me.

I just wanted to say that it's not all about just having a shag....in fact, for women, it's rarely about that. For me, it's just having someone to cuddle me, someone that smiles when he sees me. Really bloody tragic I know.

Also, someone said that the OM is obviously a liar. But so is the OP. That is the nature of an affair.

Oh yeah...and sometimes the grass can be greener. I'm not planning on luxuriating on those lawns but for some people, moving to another relationship is the best thing they ever did...

100x
It's not about 'liking' monogamy or otherwise.
It's about disliking one partner being deceived into believing they are in a monogamous relationship. I have no problem with open relationships, where both parties are honest and responsible. In fact I have no problem with honest relationships of any type, be they open or polygamous.

Wrt the moral highground, I acknowledge failings in so many areas of my life, honestly. I do, however, take responsibility for those failings and do not try to excuse myself by blaming others.

'And if so, then perhaps she should be with this other man?
Perhaps she should go with it, and have that relationship fully and life her life completely? '

AND, leave her husband also free to find someone with whom he might be more compatible.

In my case, the ex and I both found others we are more compatible with.

Our divorce was incredibly painful, but amicable because we were able to be honest.

It was terribly difficult, but I didn't want to be the person I was when I was 19 and did those things again.

NOT because of sanctimoniousness but because I learned that affairs, the deceit of them especially, really hurt people.

And despite having trouble with my ex, he really didn't deserve that.

I know others don't go down that route, for whatever reason, but all actions have consequences, and you usually wind up reaping what you sow.

It's pretty sad that so many think that not having an affair is somehow the moral highground.

"Good luck OP. Listen to your heart. Not the sanctimonious preachers who are probably stuck in boring dead marriages and dont even realise it!!!!"

Rockmum -
What a pathetic attempt to "get" at those of us with integrity and respect for our husbands, not to mention happy marriages.

I'll try and remember that I'm in a boring and dead (25 year ) marriage next month when we're kite surfing off Cuba while celebrating our silver anniversary, oh and again in September when we renew our vows in Las Vegas - that's if I can live through the boredom without slitting my wrists.

You just can't resist it, can you?

I hope you enjoy rubbing miserable peoples' noses in it.

For me, that would take the shine off my kite surfing.

But hey, each to their own.