In turmoil over my affair!!

[neverplanned]

I have been having an affair for three months. Someone just came along and swept me off my feet and I cant believe it has now developed into what we believe is love. I've been married ten years - we have been reasonably happy and have three young children. My husband had a brief affair a few years ago that really knocked me and it took a while to recover from. We did recover though and I thought things were going well between us. How have I let this happen, has anyone been in this situtation and left their husband and split the family for their own reasons. Ive tried to stop seeing this man but can seem to stay away, when im with him I feel like this is where I should be - with him. But when Im at home with my husband I feel guilty and Im in constant turmoil.

I think that is a very realistic and honest approach angela.

Every marriage (and every affair) is different isn't it.

Morris -- Sadly, my affair began as a 'warts and all' tell all. If only every honest relationship could begin in such a way, perhaps more of us would be happier. Sadly, it took the long courtship before the physical affair to lay it all out there, from both sides. So when I say that I feel love for my AP, sadly, I know that is true. Lust based on the feeling that you've met 'the one, the knight in shining armour' is a fast track to a bitter ending all around. Anyone even CONTEMPLATING leaving an affair for an affair partner should drop their own mask and encourage their new love to do the same. REALLY drop the masks, because we all wear them. Then and only then will you be able to see if you're destroying your husband for something that may just be real.

But at the end of the day we became mothers and our ultimate responsibility is toward our children. If we are winging out of control in a new affair, risking destruction, then we are not serving them right. If you are really hell-bent on going down this road, OP, take a hard hard look in the mirror and at your affair partner, sooner than later. And if it is something you really need, then do everything in your power not to destroy your family in the process. Proceed with absolute caution.

Yes, I am also aware that I'm playing with fire. The only thing that gives me any comfort is that it is a respectful, controlled fire, with no insanity. It is calculated. It fills a need. And sadly, he and I are well suited on every level. I hope my husband's lover provides the same stability. Okay, I've said my bit. I put it back to the rest of you. Sorry to monopolize.

I meant 'leave a marriage for an affair' in my previous post.

Angela - what a very sad post - how do you think you chidren will feel when they discover the truth that you marriage is only in name?

Why the need to hide your affair if it is so great a way to lead your life - why is it only you can have the control of the truth?

Maybe your children will thank you for being honest and letting them 'experience' your marriage for what it is.

I think my parents stayed together because they thought at the time it was the 'right' thing for the children. Thinking that eventually they would have their 'own' life apart and then be true to themselves.

What actually happened is once we left home my mum firstly got cancer and so my dad helped her recover - she has since had a lot of ill health - she now has dementia and is incapable of an independant life - my dad is her carer. so in short my dad cares for a woman he has no love for and my mum has no choice but to be cared for by someone she would rather not still be married to.
I have lost respect for them both - they were both too coward to have the life they wanted and to allow the other to fufill their dreams too. .

I have no problem with people getting their needs met elsewhere but not at the expense of treating your partner (and possibly other family members with no repect to make their own decisions about the path of their life).

He does make his own choices. There are no secrets in this house, except names and places. We have laid the lack of desire and meet your needs stuff on the table. He is well aware of where I/we stand. We don't ask, we don't tell, we are happy as parents and a family. It is unconventional, I will agree, but we stay together for reasons I cannot discuss in this forum. And no, he doesn't know him, and no, he is not also married. There are enormous things that are positive in our lives, and neither of us are prepared to move from our community or alter the lifestyle we have. We are in a connected and happy place, everywhere but in the sack. We love each other, but we are not 'in love'.

It is my boyfriend's status that forces me to keep the specifics of this relationship a secret.

I left my husband for my lover. 2 years on I feel the same about my lover but he doesn't about me. Now I have messed up everyone's lives for nothing. I feel bereaved for all the friends and in-laws that I will never see again. When the children are with their dad I imagine what they are doing, curled up in bed, having breakfast, waiting for the school bus. I wish I could turn the clock back but I can't.

I just joined this thread, having read through all the messages. I too am in turmoil over an affair that's just begun in earnest, though the emotional part has been there for years.

How would the participants here feel if the primary relationship was (a) not a marriage but a living-together-with-kids situation, and (b) not a marriage because the man refused to propose, even after the kids came along?

This is the predicament I am in. I met my current partner soon after I was widowed at 26. At the time I was so vulnerable and yet so in need of love that I overlooked some of our basic incompatibilities and desperately pursued the relationship. He did, too, though he never proposed to me -- and would not even after I got pregnant and after our children were born.

Now we live together and are pretty much functioning as a family. Except that we've never made those vows, except that I'm still resentful over his unwillingness to make me his wife.

Along comes my OM: married, a former colleague, someone I've been friends with for three years, someone who's always been there for me and who has been trying not to cross that fateful line. But he did, we did, and now though we have only kissed a couple of times I find myself unable to resist where this is leading us. Like some of you here have suggested, we are proceeding very cautiously.

I respect that he is married, and I don't want to destroy his family. But he is prepared to break up with his wife, to discuss an open relationship with her, to do anything, basically, that would make it easier for us to see each other.

As for me, I am very conflicted. My partner has put me through hell, but for some reason I have stuck with him and continue to feel loyal. He is a great father. And, the saddest thing of all, he seems to be coming around, finally, to wanting to meet my needs. (Though still no marriage proposal...)

But I am afraid that it's simply too late. I've waited for four years.

What do you all think?

Some much more thoughtful responses than one gets used to.

When it comes to the decision to leave/not leave, would it help to try to imagine building your happiness on other people's unhappiness. I'm sure you are a good soul and would find this difficult to contemplate and impossible to do. The wild happiness and desperation you might be feeling now would almost certainly become very bitter very quickly. One is only as happy as one's unhappiest child anyway: and your children would be unhappy.

Also, and this will sound sappy in the extreme: there is a great deal of contentment in doing the right thing. It feels very powerful and one's self-respect (I imagine it's quite low for you at the moment, along with a feeling of powerlessness) absolutely zooms. This is a very "legal" high!

Please remember every contact, every phone, every email, every meeting, is an opportunity for exposure, another chance used up. Your "luck" may run out.

Excuse me: I was talking to the OP there.

Makeitreal: honestly, I would try to make it work with your current partner. Your admirer sounds rather too controlling and full on for you to manage, with everything else on your plate.

make it real - i have proof that my h said all those same things to his ow - i have seen emails telling her that our marriage is only in name and that he will leave me for her and will always look after her girls and her. She 'allowed' her h to discover the affair left him and waited for my h to do the same.
When forced with the awful truth that he would have to walk away from everything he had worked for - he had the clarity to see exactly what he had done. Dont be fooled into thinking he is being totally truthful - actions speak far louder than words - he will offer you (and his wife) the world while things are going well and he feels he is controlling it and getting his cake and eating it. When forced to choose dont expect it to be you.

His actually says - he wishes he could turn back the clock. And I think the ow probably does too - it could be you northerngirl as i think ow is in your position now.

It has been hard for us to both face what happened - maybe you think i am a fool after knowing what he said to ow to still be married to him.

He has changed now and it is not the same marriage that it was - i have a happy home and family life - my h contanstly thanks me for being strong and not destroying our life. In many ways I am a much happier person now and i am certainly not living in fairytale marriage but a more equal partnership with open communication (not quite as exciting but much healthier).

"But at the end of the day we became mothers and our ultimate responsibility is toward our children. If we are winging out of control in a new affair, risking destruction, then we are not serving them right."

True, and also true for fathers.

What's this, the cheating wives club?

This just proves that people can delude themselves about anything rather than face the truth of the betrayal they are bestowing upon their families, not just their husbands, but their children as well.

I hope you're all very pleased with your lying, cheating behaviour.

At least Angela's situation is different, although I don't understand their reasoning, at least there is total honesty from both parties, no one is being deceived. I doubt the kids will ever thank them for a false impression of family life though.

I have to ask, Malificence, why are you so judgemental?

What gives you the right to bear down on people with such disdain?

It's great that your marriage is a happy one, and that you and your dh have made it work. But that doesn't give you the right to turn up on these threads wagging a self-righteous finger at women who, by my reckoning are far from pleased with their "lying, cheating behaviour".

This looks like a group of women who are already miserable. Keep away from these threads if they make you see red. Or do you enjoy wielding your flaming sword?

I agree with you Bobbiewickham - I think it is all very well for those with perfect marriages and ideal circumstances to judge, but to me there are a lot of unhappy women on this thread. I don't believe any one of us set out to act in the way that we have -as little girls I'm sure most of us didn't fantasise about having an affair. Saying, "Oh pull yourselves together FFS - just keep your knickers on," is like barging into an AA meeting and shouting, "the answer is simple, just stop drinking!" or into a room full of anorexics and saying, "just eat, you silly cows!" It ignores the underlying causes of the behaviour, and is insulting and unhelpful to what sound here like good and intelligent people.

The reasons why affairs happen I believe are usually difficult and complicated, and more often than not, not about sex but about unmet emotional needs. I am talking about women, but I bet this is the case for many men too, and to tar us all as sexually incontinent is not remotely helpful. We already feel bad for the emotional infidelity and but if we were happy, these situations would not be occurring. We are well aware of how potentially destructive our behaviour is, and it's not because we don't care about our partners and children but are trapped in a cyle of behaviour that stems from something deep. It seems that many here just as I have wish they could end the affair, just as alcoholics, gamblers and anorexics wish they could stop too. It doesn't make us evil people.

I think if I was lucky enough to have a Disney life crammed with twittering blue birds, I would think twice about slamming a group of people who are struggling to make sense of the difficult situations they were in. Please be a bit kinder.

I've come to the conclusion that Mal and AnyFucker only actually come here to be judgemental and create drama. Its certainly not to hear other viewpoints, contribute constructively or to give support unless its the screaming, hysterical 'Throw the bastard out' type of advice. And they love the ego boost they get when anybody else agrees with them.

In comparison to many of the measured, thoughtful and intelligently written alternative points of view on this thread, (which have been fascinating) they just rant and insult anybody that doesn't think the way they do!

I'd rather not give fawning sympathy and understanding to people who are old enough to know better and should be mature enough to realise the awful things they are doing to their family.

Unfaithful husbands get slaughtered on here, an rightly so, why should it be any different for unfaithful wives.

They need to have a dose of unpalatable realism, seeing sympathic mutterings from other deceivers gives them the illusion that , because other people are doing it, it must be ok, well guess what - it isn't.

It's laughable to suggest that I must have a perfect life and can't possibly understand anything else, I've seen plenty of marriages implode through infidelity.

How is it my fault for pointing out that some people are weak and selfish?

Nobody is asking you to give fawning sympathy and understanding.

Nobody is asking you for anything at all.

Unfaithful husbands don't get slaughtered by me. Nobody does. I don't judge myself to be perfect enough to make judgements on anyone.

I don't believe in good and bad people. I believe that people do whatever they can to get through a day - some good things, some bad.

Unpalatable realism? Who awarded you the monopoly on truth?

You seem to have appointed yourself Infidelity Tsar. I don't understand what you get out of appearing on these threads. Your marriage is obviously a really happy one - what's in it for you to come on here and make a set of miserable women feel even worse about themselves?

Like I said, I don't get it.

Why the hell are they doing it then, if all it's doing is making them bloody miserable? That makes no sense at all. If they want to know how to stop feeling so unhappy, stop fucking doing it, easy!

They are making excuses for their deception - why do so many people seem to have such a big problem with the truth?

Everyone is in control of their actions ( mental health problems not withstanding). People can help themselves, if they choose to.

If someone is unhappy because they are living a lie - the solution is more than obvious.
I'm assuming these women are mature adults and not silly teenagers?

Still, I'm not the one who has to look into my husband's eyes each day while lying to him, sleeping in the same bed as him after I've been out and had sex with another man.

The only thing I'm judging, is peoples' complete lack of any spine.

Geckle, a stupendously articulate post. I'm not sure Mal read it though.

'Saying, "Oh pull yourselves together FFS - just keep your knickers on," is like barging into an AA meeting and shouting, "the answer is simple, just stop drinking!" or into a room full of anorexics and saying, "just eat, you silly cows!" '

So we have upgraded having an affair to mental illness status now, have we?

Why on earth would you imagine that fidelity would automatically equal a perfect marriage? It's bloody hard work, in reality, I know of nobody who would claim to have a perfect marriage.

There are some very intelligent posts here, I agree, and perhaps that is my problem with it. Intellectualising your various affairs will never legitimise them, or give you absolution.

Angela is the only one who deserves a modicum of respect wrt this issue. At least she can be honest about her situation.

Thank you upandrunning. I've loved reading what you have to say too. I did think about repeating what I'd said after I'd read hers, but I realise that some are just locked into their views and nothing anyone says will make them change. It must make life simple, if a little dull. Never mind.

I come at this from the perspective that infidelity, deceiving one's partner and denying them choices in life are fundamentally wrong behaviour choices. I also think good people do things that are wrong. I think it's a natural part of our self-preservation in life to justify to ourselves why we are doing something that a) we believe is wrong and b) we wouldn't like done to us. So we make excuses, many of which appear on this thread. Others come on to collude with those excuses and justifications - and I don't think it is necessarily helpful to those of you in such turmoil, which I sympathise with, from a humanitarian point of view.

Those of you (OP specifically) who were honest enough to admit that your marriages were happy before you embarked upon an affair are further down the route to understanding why your affairs happened.

Although this is painful, I think you might gain better understanding of your predicament by becoming much more introspective. What is it about you that led you to this behaviour? Could there be any narcissistic traits in you that have been previously unacknowledged? Are you punitive (he won't have sex/propose marriage/talk about feelings)? What have you been giving to your primary relationship (as opposed to "getting")? If your primary relationship was unhappy and you believe this to be the reason you had an affair, why did you not make a different behaviour choice - to bring your grievances to the table, compromise or indeed, leave the relationship?

I see many times on here people justifying not leaving primary relationships "because of the children". I think that's worth challenging too - how much is it really about the children, and how much is it about other things that you value, such as status, society's approval and in some cases, financial survival?

I can perhaps feel less emotionally charged by people's need to find excuses for infidelity because fortunately, when my H was unfaithful he didn't try to re-write history and claim that there were problems in our marriage - and he never once blamed me for his affair. Healthily for him, me and our marriage, he recognised pretty quickly that this was a fault in him and that infidelity and deceit are never justifiable. So he went about fixing himself and in turn, we were able to rebuild our marriage.

You will however see other men and women on infidelity threads who resent deeply that their unfaithful spouses re-write history, apportion blame in every direction but themselves - and this compounds the hurt.

I also think for those of you who are conflicted about whether the OM is the real deal should try to do a bit of projecting into the future. What if OM one day withdraws sex, becomes selfish - or indeed displays any of the behaviours that you believe are present in your current spouses? Will you have another affair with someone else, or will you learn from this and resolve to express your dissatisfaction in different ways?

The language used in many of the posts is revealing - words and phrases like "victim", "swept away", "can't believe this has happened to me", "powerless" - all of these put you in passive mode and evade your own responsibility for your own behaviour.

Good people do bad things, but if we do, it's about us - it's not someone else's fault and it's a choice we make. The really difficult stuff is about being introspective enough to own the bad behaviour and get to the root of why we're doing it - to ourselves and the people in our lives.

Although i dont see it so black and white and i certainly would not judge - it is a bit like a 'born again' when you have seen first hand the destruction of any 'bad' behaviour it is very difficult not to get frustrated.

Just like a smoker/drinker/gambler - if they ask for help they also have to take the flack along with the sympathy.

I know my h has talked with other men and now has a very different pov - having been there himself.

I am sure at the time he would have told anyone who tried to tell him it would end in disaster to get lost.

Just as any addition I have no doubt that it is hard but if it is help that is asked for - and ultimately it is a case of just stop whatever it is - and however you get there.

'The language used in many of the posts is revealing - words and phrases like "victim", "swept away", "can't believe this has happened to me", "powerless" - all of these put you in passive mode and evade your own responsibility for your own behaviour.'

Well put, WhenwillIfeelnormal.
And as someone with very personal experience of a mental health issue, I find it highly offensive to compare infidelity with anorexia. Again, its another way of absolving yourself of responsibility.