In turmoil over my affair!!

[neverplanned]

I have been having an affair for three months. Someone just came along and swept me off my feet and I cant believe it has now developed into what we believe is love. I've been married ten years - we have been reasonably happy and have three young children. My husband had a brief affair a few years ago that really knocked me and it took a while to recover from. We did recover though and I thought things were going well between us. How have I let this happen, has anyone been in this situtation and left their husband and split the family for their own reasons. Ive tried to stop seeing this man but can seem to stay away, when im with him I feel like this is where I should be - with him. But when Im at home with my husband I feel guilty and Im in constant turmoil.

And before you run off with the idea that I'm trying to justify my own position, can I point out that I've slept with one man in my whole life, and I've been married to him for nearly 13 years.

It's just the smugness. It overwhelms me.

Correct, I can't help it , it's a persoanlity flaw that I can't just sit back and let people make petty digs.

Okay, so now, not condoning a woman's having an affair is: sanctimonious, rubbing peoples' noses in misery, smug, a symptom of a boring marriage.

WTF!

And of course, women only 'rarely' have affairs just for a shag, unlike men.

LMAO at the double standards on here.

If this had been a male OP his dick would have burned off from the flames, because naturally, men don't 'fall' in love, they just fuck around.

Malificence - I was not trying to "get at" those in happy marriages!! I TRULY admire those that can be with the same person for years and years and still be happy and in love. I think its amazing and I hope one day I am lucky enough to find someone that I share that with.

So good for you for having that, I honestly think its fab.

BUT I do think that lots of people just settle in mediocre relationships and look down their noses at people who are brave enough to cut loose and try for some real happiness.

'look down their noses at people who are brave enough to cut loose and try for some real happiness.'

it's brave to cheat on your spouse?

if you found out yours was having an affair then, you'd congratulate him on being brave enough to cut loose and try for some real happiness?

for real?

I never said not condoning a woman having an affair is smug and and rubbing peoples' noses in it!

But banging on about your silver wedding holiday shag fest on a thread full of really miserable people in troubled marriages just smacks of smugness to me. There's just no need for it.

If you're happy, just go and be bloody happy! There's no need to be a walking advert for yourself.

I think I'm going to have to bow out...I'm getting unecessarily agitated.

unnecessarily

I don't look down my nose at anyone brave enough to call it a day on a bad marriage or work through your problems with your partner , that is the mature and grown up thing to do and I applaud anyone with the integrity to do it.
How is putting yourself ( and most likely your family when it all blows wide apart) through emotional torture an easier option than being honest and communicating with your partner?? Surely honesty and communication is the easiest option.
I'm actually very glad I don't do "shades of grey".

Hurting people is horrible, lying is bad, love is horrible, the WHOLE thing is painful.

If you can be married to one person and never cause them pain, then that seems pretty terrific. But I don't think it's extraordinary to imagine how people's relationships might end up fracturing, or their desires differing, or doing wrong things.

Marriage is a social construct, and a good one. But its also problematic isn't it? And they go wrong. And then sometimes it's a question of sticking it out or not - and whether that is desirable, and whether we think that is the recipe in the end for a better, more fulfilled existence. And if anyone knows the answer to that, I'd be pleased to hear it.

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

And that's my last word.

Phew.

Thank you for your contributions Bobbiewickham, and for doing your best against the tide of sanctimony when most of us have given up.

S'alright

'look down their noses at people who are brave enough to cut loose and try for some real happiness.'

Not much 'cutting loose' going on round here though, is there? Particularly for the poor sod who believes his relationship is monogamous.
Plenty of cakes and eating, however.

And Malificence, you dislike petty digs when they're directed at you, but you're all for full-on character assassinations of people who have circumstances you know nothing about, just as long as you're the architect? Interesting double standard there.

I'm bowing out of this thread too. The self-righteousnessness here is sickening.

Good luck OP. I hope you find a way to be happy.

Still don't see what is so sanctimonious about not condoning having affairs.

Honestly don't see any poster on here who, if she found out her male partner were having an affair would be like, 'You're so brave! Cutting lose to find happiness. I so understand, you fell in love. I'm so boring and dull. She must have swept you off your feet, you poor thing. I understand, you can't stay away from her. You're just a victim in all this. Let me keep on living with you however long you'd like.'

ness... See? I'm unnecesaarily agitated too.

No, but I might be like,

"Oh fuck! What's been going on in our relationship? How can we make it better?"

And I really, really mean that.

Ditto bw, I'm sorry, I really really would feel as expat describes. I know it's hell and would know he had avoided hurting me for as long as he could.

I don't bloody condone affairs!!! I also think infidelity is wrong!!

And I too think it's a sh*t way of dealing with marriage issues, but some of us unlike you apparently are fallible. It seems you're deliberately missing the point of what's being said here in order to promote your own perfection. Well fine, gold stars all round. I really am off now.

Expatinscotland:

Go back and read my first post in this thread, my ex went off with OW !!! so it HAS happened to me.

But (as I said) now, looking back, the relationship wasn't right for either of us. I think we did love eachother but in more of a brother / sister way, there was no spark, there was no romance, there was no fun, there was no passion.

Sometimes relationships overlap. its life. I am not saying what my ex did was right, he should have had the guts to split up with me then start looking around for someone else. But he is only human. He is also a fab dad to our kids. So I will never hate him or judge him for what happened, we are both far happier apart than we were together.

I've read the posts and I'm not deliberately missing any point.

I disagree.

There's a difference.

I don't label people who disagree with me on this thread disparging adjectives, but it's okay to do so to those who disagree with you.

Okay.

Rock mum, I take it that you knew you were in a not so good relationship at the time, it doesn't sound like his leaving was totally unexpected. But what if you had been head over heels with him , thought your marriage was good and strong, you would have been devastated at his deceit.

There are enough posts on here from women destroyed because they thought they had a great relationship, until they found the text message etc. that blew their life out of the water, to realise that at least some of the husbands who are being betrayed must be equally ignorant of what's happening?

' I'm sorry, I really really would feel as expat describes.'

I suspect you would. And the bonus would be a guilt free split where someone else takes responsibility for the break up of a family. Problem solved, eh?

If I'm completely honest, I have never forgiven my father for the lies and deceit that happened before my parents marriage broke up. I understand/understood that marriages fail even my parents. But why couldn't he have left my mum then started seeing other women?

I naively believed that my father wasn't the sort to lie to his whole family (not just my mum, but us, his parents & sister etc) and I do see him differently now. I can't help it - he put the excitement of an affair before any thought of his family.

My mum is now much happier without him though it was a very very painful break up for them. No happy ending for him - he lurched from one needy adoring woman who made him feel "in love" for a short while to another and now lives in a caravan trying to persuade anyone who will listen about how sorry he is and how he still loves my mum (I don't actually believe him btw its just a pitch for sympathy).

It would be much more beneficial for your whole family (including your own self respect) to either try to make your marriage work without OM in the picture or to be honest with your husband and children and leave.

I am not without experience or understanding - I once had an affair with what was probably the love of my life who was married (I wasn't). I found it impossible to resist because I truly loved him - so I broke it off over the phone. I told him what I would say to you - "either try and make your marriage work (which means giving me up) or be honest with your wife and leave. If you leave we can then try making our relationship work"

He chose to stay which hurt like buggery and I have never married. I still think it was the right and honest thing to do and I genuinely feel he made the right decision.

If that is smug or taking the moral high ground or whatever, so be it.

And before that sounds too pathetic - I am (and have been) extremely happy for huge swathes of my life since then.