In turmoil over my affair!!

[neverplanned]

I have been having an affair for three months. Someone just came along and swept me off my feet and I cant believe it has now developed into what we believe is love. I've been married ten years - we have been reasonably happy and have three young children. My husband had a brief affair a few years ago that really knocked me and it took a while to recover from. We did recover though and I thought things were going well between us. How have I let this happen, has anyone been in this situtation and left their husband and split the family for their own reasons. Ive tried to stop seeing this man but can seem to stay away, when im with him I feel like this is where I should be - with him. But when Im at home with my husband I feel guilty and Im in constant turmoil.

As ever whenwill says it far better than i do.

I think it is the 'victim' status that is holding back anyone from stopping the affair - just as other addicts - until they feel they CAN change their behaviour it will sadly continue.

Namechanged for this

But I am to are having a affair
I have been married for 10 years and have two dcs
I wouldnt say its a happy marriage but we have kids etc etc Anyway i crossed the line late last year and I came home told DH we were over To cut a long story short DH isnt accpecting it and we are now at relate

NObody goes out to "play away" and if you do you have to ask yourself why

And it is true it is like being addicted the feelings of lust/love whatever it may be

Its like having 2 lifes
1/ the wife
2/ the lover

But the guilt and shame you carry around are awful
and yes it is self inflicted
And yes you should walk away from the O:M but that is so easy to say when they make you feel "normal" and interesting etc etc
and it feel so right when you are together

when at home you are there in body only and there is no love left

I agree WWIFN and Happy Woman with all of what you say - it is a question of getting to a place where you can see that you are able to change, but it requires strength which I (yes, I also have been intimate with various mental health issues) lack right now. I KNOW it's me, I'm not blaming anyone or anything else for this situation, and I know that only I can resolve it but I think that those who criticise and say "well just stop," come at the issues blinded from lack of personal experience. Lucky you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. If there was a button I could press to take me back to the point before I had met the OM I would do it, but I'm not sure that would solve the underlying problem of why I met him in the first place.

It always makes me laugh ( if a little hollowly) when people suggest that because I have such unwavering and simplistic views, it must make my life dull - yes it's really dull to have a faithful husband of 25 years who adores me and does everything he can to make me happy .

Try having a husband who's just hung himself like one of my neighbours, or is dying of some god-awful disease like a colleague's wife, I have sympathy for real trauma and distress, not for something entirely brought upon yourselves by your own selfish actions.

I also dont blame anybody for the situation I am in BUT me I feel I do deserve to feel crap My H withdrew intimacy and even conversation years ago Wouldnt sort it so I crossed the line found what I was missing elsewhere
Came back told H it was over he has now changed his mind on us he feels we can sort it
BUT what I didnt expect was how much I would fall the o.m I knew I liked him alot but not to the point I do I has completely blown me away i Dont regrett what I did back then but I know i should`nt still being doing it
BUT I know how I would feel if I stopped and I refuse to go back to that empty life

I say again Malificence, lucky you. How wonderful to be able to see the world in black and white. It does make me think however that nothing truly terrible has ever touched you personally. That makes you truly blessed.

You see, here we go again. Heartbox, you say that you told your H it was all over with him, but he "then changed his mind" and so you're going to Relate sessions, while still continuing your affair and while you have got no intention of going back to your marriage. This isn't about your husband changing his mind, is it - it's about you reneging on your decision to leave him? This is your choice and your decision.

Similarly, Geckle05 is yearning for a button to press to make this all go away - but you acknowledge that this might not solve the underlying issues - which are what? If you know what they are, deal with those - but this is not all going to go away - that's the passive state I was mentioning earlier.

"Nothing truly terrible has ever touched me"?

No one goes through life without terrible things, I'm not going through it all again but if you care to search through some old posts, you'll find quite the opposite. I've had more than my fair share of truly terrible thank you, enough for a lifetime in my first 16 years in fact.

Seeing my mother killed by a car when I was 5 wasn't exactly fun you know.

For me its a case damned either way
I live abroad with my h and the O.M lives in another country
So to be with each other I would have to move my dcs country,homes schools etc etc
I can`t do that to the kids

But as a friend pointed out to me
you are a woman,mother and wife
BUT a woman first and call it vain but when someone makes you feel like a woman in everyway and you have being begging for that from your h and get nothing

I am going to relate to try and make sense of it all
For my own sanity I need to understand

My H was a shit H for so long but a good dad etc etc and now he realises what he has lost he is desprate to try and sort it
I don`t hate my H
I love him but I am not IN love with him

I also know that being with The O.M is not real life its all flash hotels and gifts not kids kicking off in the background or where to find the money for a gas bill etc etc

Doing what you need to do and doing what youwant to do are totally different when you have kids involved

spot on whenwill.
Heartbox if your marriage is truly over then just do it dont give your h any false hope that you will stay - that is cruel and i think is actually abuse. You are still lying to him by not being truthful are you. And as i have said before if their are children you need to think if you are really doing the right thing for them.

And I think that just because Mal does see it as black and white is not to be mocked at - she has every right to her views on this matter whether she has been touched or not.

I know i have become harder in many ways and when a friend asked me to 'help' her whilst she had an affair i dropped her - ok so not a good friend maybe but at least i knew my mind and didnt feel compelled to support her do something i knew was wrong.
She knew what i went through and made her choice to not have me as a friend either.

I agree with Harlem and WhenWillI.

Because control begins with taking it.

And no one I know would be offended at an AA meeting if you went in and said, 'It's simple, just stop drinking,' because well, that's why we're there and that's what we're doing!

And yes, it really is like that: every day, you say, 'I will not drink. Only for today. Tomorrow is tomorrow but today I won't drink.'

It can be applied to a lot of things in life: Today I will take some responsibility for my life. Today I will not lie.

But as someone who struggles with depression, I, too, am offending by comparisons of having an affair to substance abuse or mental illness.

If you don't take responsiblity for what you do, none of this 'swept off my feet' bullshit, then you can expect it to all end in tears - mostly your children's.

and no, screwing around is not same thing as substance addiction.

ffs.

next we'll hear that it's all because of depression.

sighs.

This will be my last post on these type of threads - those of you who say I don't understand are right, I don't understand how anyone can choose to live that way, for it is a choice, a deliberate decision.

Life is too damn short to spend it unhappy, we watched my MIL die slowly and painfully at 57 - what if any of you were diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow, do you seriously think that the other man would want you ? I bet you'd expect your husbands to look after you then.

If your marriage is unhappy, get out of it, you are doing your children no favours by sacrificing your happiness for them. You either love your husband or you don't, why would anyone stay with someone they don't love or respect?

Funny but I started a thread when i was thinking of meeting the O.M for the first time and explaining what was happening
MN came back with "dating agency for married people" or why not get "a fuck buddy" and go and have a good time

now its different

I didnt expect to fall heavily for the O.M but I did I know i am wrong and YES I cant believe I have put myself in this mess........not ME

I just want to say as an outsider, I can certainly see that marriage vows can be broken in many, many ways other than infidelity: sometimes much worse ways. I can also see that a mother who feels that the case will stay for her children, not for herself: and I can also see that as a road to an affair. A wife or husband might feel there has been an enormous but indefinable breach, without crossing any obvious line: but then it's so, so easy to mark a big X by infidelity and say "wrong, wrong, wrong".

It's very hard: you can't control how you feel, but in an ideal world one can control one's behaviour. Who lives in an ideal world though.

I am absolutely not mocking Malificence and think my words make it clear that was not my intention. If anything, I am envious. I'm sorry though for the horrific loss of your mother when you were so small, Malificence. I am new on this forum so know as little about your background as you do about mine. Our backstories make us the people we are, talking on this and on any subject.

I no longer have the confidence to lay out my own story here, but I do know what issues affect me and I'm starting to work on them.

Anyway, I'd like to send lots of love to everyone caught up in these situations, whatever side they are on.

All you who think you are immune: be cautious. You may be more vulnerable than you think.

If you are appalled, horrified and unconditional about infidelity, and imagine yourself utterly incapable of it, then you will see any feelings that do come along as something much deeper than attraction. After all, you are not a cheater, you hate infidelity, you don't fancy other men: therefore with you, it must be love. It can't be anything else, a fling, or a whim, or something dirty, because you aren't the type. And once you think it's love, it will be a much harder fight.

Trouble is as with many things it life it is just too hard to do what you know to be the 'right' thing.

There are always excuses for not doing something because it is easier to just let it happen.

I know it is not the same as substance abuse but it is funny how 'easy' many smokers find it is to give up once they are forced to see the damage - whether it be with heart/lung disease or cancer - i have seen it so many times when diagnosed with a life threatning illness many heavy smokers find the appeal of smoking suddenly diappears .

they have known the dangers for year but actually have never realised them.

I think it is the same with affairs - those of us that know the dangers and will therefore just not enter into one will never get those who do are willing to carry on with their behaviour. It is denial.

Ah Upandrunning, this I agree with, in part. No-one is immune to temptation, but if one is self-aware and honest with themselves and their partner, they can build an immunity to infidelity. It really never "just happens" like lightning striking, or some other inanimate act. And I do agree that if you come at this from the perspective that only evil people are tempted and have affairs, you are more pre-disposed to believing that the feelings you have are real love.

Honestly discussing temptation in a marriage and the potential we all have to find others attractive, should form part of pre-marriage counselling.

"if you come at this from the perspective that only evil people are tempted and have affairs, you are more pre-disposed to believing that the feelings you have are real love."

everybody is more articulate than me today

angela - you sound very grown-up and sensible. It is a bit crazy to expect one person, no matter how wonderful, to fulfill all your needs for the rest of your life. But that doesn't always mean that the rest of your life with that person is now worthless.

It makes me terribly sad to read the condemnatory and self-satisfied posts by certain women on here.

Walk a mile in a person's shoes and then judge. If your marriage is happy, you simply cannot make that judgement.

WhenwillIbenormal, someone who has suffered the sharp edge of infidelity, has the insight to write posts which while disparaging of infidelity itself (fair enough imho)do not represent a blanket, vicious condemnation of those who get caught up in it.

''.......vicious condemnation of those who get caught up in it.''

What is it with these constant insinuations that an affair is something you become involuntarily trapped in?
Tis a choice.

And the assumption that anyone who is scathing in response to the myriad excuses presented, must therefore have a hearts and flowers perfect marriage are astonishingly naive.

Marriage can be a slog, mind numbingly boring, painful and unfulfilling. If it's too much, get out. Otherwise, and yes I stand by this, keep your knickers on.

When there are children one thinks twice, five times, fifty times, before "getting out", however boring the marriage is. And if there is injustice and resentment, and a refusal to acknowledge issues, it's a fertile soil for a response to kindness and attention elsewhere.

I hate that: if you don't like your marriage get out. It takes some maturity to see things in shades of grey.

Can't imagine leaving unless it would make the children happier. Am fortunate enough that it's not an issue and yes it's hard work. But there are shades of grey to this.

Certain posters have presented their hearts-and-flowers marriages as some sort of badge of honour and clearly represented themselves as 'better' than others who get into complex situations.

If you want to stay in a 'mind numbingly boring' marriage there must be something in it for you- one would hope something more than shared childcare and your place in the marital home. But i do not think that Angela's very open declaration of the way she is sorting out her life should leave her open to commands to 'keep her knickers on'.

I think it is all too easy- and emotionally satisfying for some women- to start shouting 'whore' and claiming others are sexually incontinent. There but for the grace of god go you. Anyone can make mistakes. And I suspect that sometimes as in Angela's case an affair is not a mistake but the best way to deal with a very bad situation.

tbh I think open relationships are the way forward but that's a topic for another thread.