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Original poster

Is it *ever* right to encourage someone who is in a relationship?

200 replies

glassvase · 30/12/2009 00:58

Exactly that. I am newly single. Man in question currently in 'on' mode of long term on/off relationship. There has been something brewing for a couple of years, since first we met (a bit of a thunderbolt moment), but nothing concrete. I feel it is a bit 'now or never'; would it be morally reprehensible to pursue it? (No dcs)

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 30/12/2009 01:00

It's a bit wrong.

MrsFlittersnoop · 30/12/2009 01:02

Don't go there.

coldtits · 30/12/2009 01:03

yes, it would be awful. Don't do it.

Mamazontopofsantabeingrude · 30/12/2009 01:05

yes.

wait till an off spell and then have a crack. if its as turbulent as you say it shouldn't be too long

coldtits · 30/12/2009 01:05

Just imagine how hurt you would be if you weere his girlfriend - plus, if he could be taken so easily, you'd live in fear of someone else taking him. He clearly wouldn't have any loyalty if he would happily ditch his gf and shack up with you instead.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 30/12/2009 01:05

How would you feel if you were the one in the on/off relationship?

Please don't be a bitch.

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 30/12/2009 01:06

X-post coldtits. By 2 seconds!

DandyLioness · 30/12/2009 01:06

This reply has been deleted

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lowrib · 30/12/2009 02:44

It's maybe OK, if the on-off relationship is genuinely a destructive one.

When I met my current DP I was in an on-off relationship with an absolute wanker.

If I hadn't cheated on my arsehole ex, then I wouldnt be with my lovely DP now. And possibly still have the arsehole on my case.

BUT, my DP didn't know I was still seeing the arsehole when he made a move though (found out later a good friend lied to him and said I was single).

Assuming the relationship isn't a car crash like mine was, then the right thing to do is to wait till he's single I'm afraid.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/12/2009 08:06

You're probably feeling "now or never" because of your own newly single status, which you haven't quite adjusted to yet. There is no rush to be part of a couple again. Take your time, relax and window shop for a bit longer!

DoesntTheTurkeyDragOn · 30/12/2009 08:09

Of course it isn't right, FFS!

Anniegetyourgun · 30/12/2009 08:27

Oh yes, and that, but everyone else had already said the right thing so I was adding an extra perspective.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 30/12/2009 08:36

it wasn't enough of a feeling to get rid of your partner though? Are you sure its not just cause you are on your own?

ChocHobNob · 30/12/2009 08:44

Of course it is never right to encourage someone in a relationship to cheat!

Even if they were really bloody unhappy in their relationship, you should be encouraging them to either work through it with their partner or leave the relationship if it is beyond repair.

I'm wondering if you would feel it was ever acceptable that a future partner was being egged on to cheat on you by another woman.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 30/12/2009 08:49

If it's now or never, then he would be ending it with his girlfriend to give things a shot with you.

I don't think you could ever be secure with someone who cheated on someone else with you.

mummee09v · 30/12/2009 10:21

if he is truly unhappy in his relationship he will end it off his own back, you shouldn't need to "encourage" him.

by all means tell him you are interested but leave it at that. then wait till he is single.

mummee09v · 30/12/2009 10:21

(meant to add)
....and if he is that interested in you he will come to you as soon as he is!

overmydeadbody · 30/12/2009 10:24

I think it is never right, but especially not if you are newly single.

People need to be single for a while after a break up, it is never healthy to go right from one relationship to another without a break to rediscover yourdlf. That goes for both of you.

tethersjinglebellend · 30/12/2009 10:25

Tell him how you feel.

What he does about it is up to him.

overmydeadbody · 30/12/2009 10:25

and there's no such thing as now or never. If and when the time is right it will happen.

Meanwhile he can call it off with his girlfriend whenever he wants, and if he was truly more interested in you he would have by now.

Leave it.

twopeople · 30/12/2009 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MamaLazarou · 30/12/2009 11:33

I am inclined to disagree with the majority here. I met my DH when he was in a long-term relationship, 'encouraged' him, and, although nothing actually happened between us til they broke up, we got together a few days later and have been blissfully happy together ever since.

I don't think you necessarily need to 'rediscover yourself' after a relationship. We both knew we were perfect for each other from the start - why wait?

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/12/2009 11:40

This reply has been deleted

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tethersjinglebellend · 30/12/2009 11:41

Was just about to post the same, mamalazarou...

If you feel it, you feel it. Two (single) people sitting apart for the 'correct' amount of time before getting together seems a little ludicrous. If one person wants to be alone, that's different- but if both want to get together, why not?

I was single for 5 years before I met DP- and he was in a relationship at the time. We felt it, he finished the relationship, we are together with a child. There was no point waiting; not for us. We wanted to be together.

I think the OP should tell him her feelings, and see what he does with them. I think he will leave on/off relationship to be with her if it's right. If he doesn't, it's not, simple.

GroundHoHoHogs · 30/12/2009 11:51

You may be on the rebound, so give yourself time, regardless of anything or anyone else.

If he's seeing someone, let it be. Don't go hanging around like a vulture waiting for someone elses relationship to die. It's not seemly and you wouldn't like it done to you.

He know's you are newly single? well, leave the ball in his court.