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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it *ever* right to encourage someone who is in a relationship?

200 replies

glassvase · 30/12/2009 00:58

Exactly that. I am newly single. Man in question currently in 'on' mode of long term on/off relationship. There has been something brewing for a couple of years, since first we met (a bit of a thunderbolt moment), but nothing concrete. I feel it is a bit 'now or never'; would it be morally reprehensible to pursue it? (No dcs)

OP posts:
Laquitar · 30/12/2009 14:03

What she wants? A man who cant commit? Who cant decide? A man who wastes time?

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 14:05

There is no guarantee that anyone won't be the transitional woman when a man comes out of a long relationship-especially without a gap.

I think the whole point of this thread is that ther is no certainty or black and white.

You need to give us more info really. Do they live togeher? How long are they apart when it is off? who initiates the getting back together? Is it just a habit he can't break- or what? Unless you know all of this- and tell us- then it's all a bit vague really.

OP you have to go with your gut feelings. Only you know how much "come on" there has been.

It is easy to fantasise when there is no substance. Does he have any inkling you care?

If I were you, I think- depending on the circumstances outlined above- I might ask him out for a coffee/drink/ whatever and see what he says- but have no great hopes of anything, just in case.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 30/12/2009 14:07

He doesn't sound much of a prize, fannying around with some girl because she'll do for the moment (presumably he's getting sex on tap and his dinner cooked), while making big gloopy eyes at you. I wonder if he's dropping hints to the current GF that she'd better shape up or he'll be off?
Mind you, you probably need to learn that there's more to life than couple-relationships, that a new partner is not the solution to your problems, and that while it's fair enough and indeed a smart and brave thing to do, to dump a partner who is not making you happy, rushing straight off to fling your knickers at someone you aren't even sure fancies you is a bit daft.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 30/12/2009 14:24

Have just come back read your response to my question from earlier. In that case I think you need to speak to him. If you have felt this way for years, ended a relationship due to how you feel then I can't see how you can move on till it has been discussed.

As long as you go in with your eyes open and don't expect the happy ending of your dreams, I think you should tell him. Just a simple this is how I feel and whilst I know you are with someone now if that were to change give me a ring. Then give yourself a set amount of time and if he hasn't come to you by then you need to move on.

Original poster
glassvase · 30/12/2009 14:33

They don't live together; they have in the past. The 'off' phases have been months. I think the girlfriend instigates the getting back together, and no, she is not a friend of mine. The indecision does bother me somewhat.

I am quite good at covering up how I feel - so it is quite possible he has no real clue. Almost all communications have been on a purely friendly level, with conspicuous avoidance of any mention of respective relationship status. There is just the embarassingly novel-esque simmering to go on - flimsy, but there.

My absolute gut feeling is to do as pp suggests, and see what happens. I think I need to let him know that I am free, and leave the ball in his court. That feels like a big enough step.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 30/12/2009 14:37

Why not try meeting for a coffee etc. (not a date) if he agrees and looking on it as a friendship- and that way he might tell you more and you will see, without making a tit of yourelf, where you stand?

Original poster
glassvase · 30/12/2009 14:38

X-posts with SG and LBAM - this thread is certainly making me have a good think...

OP posts:
purplepeony · 30/12/2009 14:40

GV- it really is all in your head, so to get it out you need to make a move. You aren't tugging him away- which is a nonsense as no one can break up something if the other person doesn't want to come- but if there is this unbearable sexual tension when you do meet, then you have to either walk away or take it further.

Original poster
glassvase · 30/12/2009 14:41

I think you are right, pp.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 30/12/2009 14:42

Good luck- just play it cool and see what he does.

Original poster
glassvase · 30/12/2009 14:52

Thanks all.

OP posts:
lowrib · 30/12/2009 15:42

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 "Why would you want to be with someone who stays in a destructive relationship?"

I hope that's a comment you haven't really thought about.

Are you really saying that anyone who has stayed to long in a destructive relationship should never be considered relationship material?!

I'm not going to go into why I stayed in a destructive relationship, but I am an example of many (too many) who did.

I am very glad my current DP didn't take that attitude. If he had, neither of us would now be in our - thankfully - very healthy, happy relationship and have our beautiful DS.

dittany · 30/12/2009 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 15:59

Ouch- that's cruel and unfounded- just as much a fantasy statement as what you accuse OP of.

They are not really partners anyway- they are GF/BF and it is off/on, stop/start. So he is not married and not living with anyone, then I say all is fair in love and war.

'spect others will disagree but there you go.

dittany · 30/12/2009 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 30/12/2009 16:09

What means on/off relationship? Why is on/off? Who is gaining in these 'on/off relationships'?

And is OP willing to also have an 'on/off relationship' with this man?

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 16:09

No...fantasy to suggest that he might have a hundred other women all dangling if "only he was free". Unless you know him and know otherwise.

He is not married- he doesn't "belong" to anyone else and has completely free will as to whom he spends his time with- doesn't he?

It's jumping the gun a little to suggest he will deceive his current girlfriend anyway.

I think the OP has already decided what to do- she is going to ask him out for a friendly drink/coffee and see what happens.

dittany · 30/12/2009 16:12

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purplepeony · 30/12/2009 16:21

Not married and not living together doesn't say permanent, hands-off commitment to me- not sure what the Victorians thought mind you.

dittany · 30/12/2009 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 16:44

His girlfriend is not his owner or keeper- the choice is his. How do you know that he won't tell his GF if he decides to date the OP?

I find your idea - I had been with a partner ( not living together, not married, and with relationship problems) for 5 years when I met my DH as part of a group of friends- did he meet up with my then partner and ask if he could date me? Er, no. I decided what to do next.

thenewbornnanny · 30/12/2009 16:49

I'm in a similar situation. An ex from way back and I are in talks about giving things a Proper Go (we split 6 years ago as I wanted to work abroad and he couldn't/wouldn't come)... now we are both finally in a place where we want to be together and can plan a life together etc. I told him if he wanted ME he had to do the honorable thing and end it with his current girlfriend. So, fingers crossed, that's what will happen in the next few days/weeks. I'm in no rush. I would rather he really thought about what he wants and acted decently, than rushed into something. Either way someone will be hurt by what he decides (me or her) so I can only ask him to act in the most decent way he can and not cheat at all. It's a tough situation though, I do feel for his current girlfriend, and he doesn't want to hurt her or cheat, but he insists he wants me. I am The One apparently. Which is nice as I feel the same way. Funny how life pans out sometimes!

dittany · 30/12/2009 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 16:55

No- you miss the point entirely. It is not the OP who would be trampling over his GF's feelings- it is him, if he decides to end it.

If the OP makes it clear she is interested in this guy then it's up to him what he does about it.

You can't "take people away" from anyone, or trample over their feelings- only the other party does that.

dittany · 30/12/2009 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.