Is it *ever* right to encourage someone who is in a relationship?

[glassvase]

Exactly that. I am newly single. Man in question currently in 'on' mode of long term on/off relationship. There has been something brewing for a couple of years, since first we met (a bit of a thunderbolt moment), but nothing concrete. I feel it is a bit 'now or never'; would it be morally reprehensible to pursue it? (No dcs)

But I don't think declaring her feelings is pursuing him...

no, dittany, I completely reject that. I expect a grown up person to use the tools that society has placed at their disposal, to inform single females like myself, that a man is unavailable. IE marriage. If you choose not to do that, then you can hardly expect me to be a mind-reader, and know that he is The One, and I shouldnt bat my eyelashes at him. that's unreasonable.

nighbynight, I think that's a different argument, TBH. One which was subject to lengthy discussion on a recent thread, I think...

in the original post, the OP said there was something between her and this man that had been "brewing" (her word) for a while

I disagree with your interpretation of "pursuing" him. She wants to tell him how she feels, so he is in full possession of the facts. Then it is up to him, ball in his court. She finished her own r'ship because of these feelings, it is unlikely there is no spark there.

Conversely, she could be an utter loon who sees romantic love in every small gesture of friendship

However, I totally agree with your first sentence there, and in my long-winded way, I am saying the same

it is direclty relevant to the OP though, because marriage is a boundary for the declaration of interest.

my last post was to ditt, btw

am slow typer tonight

nobody really thinks it's a good idea, tbh

just not really a cardinal sin, in my opinion

dittany, when did an on-again, off-again, non-residential relationship become the same as a committed relationship ??

If men were having this discussion, there would be a lot of 'she's his, leave it' and a general consensus that the woman in question was a posession belonging to the man she was with, and to leave well alone. Would we condemn or condone such opinions? Is this discussion any different?

I think if we all waited patiently for a man who had ended a relationship amicably and spent an acceptable amount of time on his own before declaring his interest in you (assuming you are single and have spent the required amount of time alone also), then the human race would die out pretty quickly.

"because marriage is a boundary for the declaration of interest."

It is a boundary, nighbynight, but it is not the only boundary.

A man in a committed relatioship is more than capable of declining an offer.

no dittany, a man who makes it unequivocally clear by wearing a ring or having children, that he is committed to a relationship is off bounds. marriage is not an empty institution - thats just tired old leftie rhetoric.

thats what I said further down tethers - children also constitute a boundary.

Dittany, I couldn't care less about women propositioning my dh (or men, for that matter).

Several have over the years (women and men!). Some have been almost stalkerish, tbh. I found it fairly amusing and somewhat flattering.

If dh decided to break up with me to try a relationship with one of them, then that would tell me that our relationship was not what I thought it was - in which case I would rather move on anyway.

I like to know that dh is with me because he actively chooses to, not because he hasn't been presented with any other options.

I hold absolutely no hard feelings to any of those women and would happily befriend them, if they were my kind of person (I never met any of them more than casually, so never had a chance to find out if we would be friends)

(agree about the human race dying out). marriage gives you a quick yes/no check

I know, nighbynight- I disagree with you that marriage and children are the only two boundaries, but I think if we discussed it now the thread would go off on a tangent IYSWIM...

ok. and I ahve to pt the children off to bed now

Let's take a raincheck on that one

I am still here. It has helped, is helping. And no, I am not a loon

Or should that be - somehow, a festive grin looks all wrong...

am glad you are not a loon

I didn't seriously think you were, btw

Thank you

Actually, here's another true story to ponder. I was dating a man and we met another woman socially. In the course of that first evening (it was a large mixed group of people, couples and singles and I have never been tragic enough to have to make a big deal out of the fact that THIS IS MY PARTNER, LOOK, I'M IN A COUPLE) - she said to me that she thought he was gorgeous and asked if he was single. I said that I was dating him, and made sure she knew that I wasn't offended or paranoid over her remark - I think I pretty much told her then that I didn't regard other people as property and it would be up to him etc. A couple of years went by, she dated someone else for a while then we lost touch with her. THen I and the bloke broke up but still socialised together - then one night she reappeared quite out of the blue in the pub we were in... six months after that they were married. That was, er, 17 years ago and they are still happily married.
So actually, OP, my considered advice would be, tell him how you feel ie that you would like to date him if he were single then leave it up to him. He is responsible for his own behaviour. He may say that he is flattered but no thanks. He may split up with his girlfriend and you and he may have a great time together. Or he may split up with his girlfriend and then dick you around for the next three years. Telling someone you would like a relationship with them is not actually wrong because it doesn't make them do anything (as long as you accept No for an answer if that's the answer you get and don't make either a prat or a pest of yourself).

Agree with tethersjingle and Solidgold.

I also think that the hairs on my arms rise up when people start acting as though marriage and coupledom bestow property rights. That's a slippery slope, ending in a scarey, scarey place.

People surely choose, as rational, consenting adults, to stay together. And they go on choosing (whether "yes" or "no") because they have, and they permit each other, a degree of autonomy.

So I'm in the camp that wouldn't go bananas if someone enquired after dh's "availability".

And I think that thethersjingle is spot on that the human race would have died out long ago if people did this "suitable pauses" thing.

However, if you are going to do it - be polite, be tactful, and be prepared to be suave and super-adult if knocked back.