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Original poster

Is it *ever* right to encourage someone who is in a relationship?

200 replies

glassvase · 30/12/2009 00:58

Exactly that. I am newly single. Man in question currently in 'on' mode of long term on/off relationship. There has been something brewing for a couple of years, since first we met (a bit of a thunderbolt moment), but nothing concrete. I feel it is a bit 'now or never'; would it be morally reprehensible to pursue it? (No dcs)

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 30/12/2009 21:44

Totally agree with IB. How mad to imagine that men only stay with us becuase other women don't offer themselves to them???

My DP is with me becuase he wants to be with me. Not because nobody else has offered an alternative.

My DP is a good looking guy (excuse my bragging) and I have seen plenty of women gaze appreciatively at him - I'm not daft, on nights out when I'm not there they probably chat to him too. Maybe he even chats back!!!!

But that's ok, he's an adult and so am I. We choose not to have relationships with other people, even when other people try to get off with us.

I utterly detest the 50's style MN mantra about women sticking together to make sure that men never get 'tempted'.

I'd rather we just treated men as we'd like to be treated ourselves, ie as intelligent adults who can't be stolen, tempted, or otherwise pushed off the path of righteousness by a horrible floozy.

(if I'm brutally honest I'm not even sure that I agree with the MN mantra that the relationship a man is in right now is the right one and must not be infringed upon. Surely some men would be better off on their own or with other people then with their current partner, statistically anyway)

morningpaper · 30/12/2009 21:45

Have only read OP

But I would just sit down and talk to him. It's possible that he feels the way you do. Or not. Who knows? I would just discuss it like grown-ups and take it from there.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 30/12/2009 21:59

It's also very true that a person in a really bad relationship often is too ground down to walk away unless/until someone else comes along who boosts their self-esteem enough for them to see that they deserve better treatment. And quite a lot of people do bumble along in 'inertia' relationships, where they quite like each other, and they've been together for ages, and all their friends are in couples and they don't want to rock the boat (though usually one person in such a relationship is a bit keener and the other one is too lazy, complacent or conformist to risk being single)... then someone else comes along who is attractive enough to send a shockwave through the whole thing... Basically you can't keep a partner by fending off other people with a stick or policing his/her every move. SOmeone either wants to be with you or s/he doesn't.

butterballs · 30/12/2009 22:07

"A man who is in a relationship is unavailable."

That is not actually true, you know - there are lots of men who are in relationships who are interested in having extra-marital relationships.

Sorry to point out the obvious. Not good but simply a fact of life.

I'm so glad women have made passes at my partner - couldn't stand to be with some pathetic sop who was only with me because he was scared of me or because no-one else fancied him.

Good to be kept on ones toes - and a good old flirt too - perfect!!

If partner choses to get off with another woman, that is up to him. He will have to face the consequences of-course, which might make it "not worth it"!!! His decision entirely, would never blame the "other woman" - would have to agree that she had good taste after all....

I don't understand this Jane Austen new wave morality - it's quite extraordinary and also completely out of kilter with what actually goes on in the real world.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 22:17

SG thank God for common sense.

sincitylover · 30/12/2009 22:21

I don't think that Butterballs is SG although they may share similar views

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 22:49

oh thank Go, some sane and rational people have finally turned up...

I was beginning to think it was me and tethers against the worl

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 22:50

thank God even

my d is sticking...

sincitylover · 30/12/2009 22:58

woops sorry for some reason when I posted the posts from SGB, Morris hadn't shown up on my screen will now go and read.

sincitylover · 30/12/2009 23:05

Ok have read now and agree with hbfac, Sg, af, butterballs and Morris.

Have developed a philsophical approach to these things over the years.

And really hate this ball and chain approach.

But then maybe I am too cynical and jaded or a realist?

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 23:25

no sin, you are just sensible enough to not get your knickers in a knot about these things

if your bloke loves you and wants to stay with you, he will

blaming other women if they can't keep their dick in their pants is wrong, wrong, wrong

and it lets the fuckers off the hook, yet again

< shakes head as still unable to understand dittany's stance on this >

thenewbornnanny · 30/12/2009 23:56

Have just come back to this, not read any more responses for a couple of pages.

My take on it is if someone tells another person how they feel about them, it is not that persons responsibility how the person they tell responds. People are individuals and can't be forced into or out of relationships so if a person chooses to end or stay, that's their prerogative. I don't believe it's woman vs woman. I do think that marriage is sacred though and should not be messed with.

chubbasmum · 31/12/2009 00:43

its wrong hun dont do it finish what you have on your plate first if its right it will still be there when you are single and ready, my childhood sweetheart waited 19 years im single and ready and i said yes it does happen so dont jump the gun

chubbasmum · 31/12/2009 00:50

oops sorry i hadnt read it right dont do it let him be if its meant to be it will happen dont be the other woman

dittany · 31/12/2009 00:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nighbynight · 31/12/2009 08:05

Married men are unavailable to anyone with any self-respect.

nighbynight · 31/12/2009 08:09

see dittany, your last sentence would make perfect sense if everyone wore a public declaration of their coupledom. But they don't. Not only that, but the public declaration of coupledome is available (a ring), and many people choose not to wear it (lets leave the actual marriage question out for a moment). Thus doubts and shades of grey creep in, and the rules have to become a bit more complicated.

tinalane · 31/12/2009 08:30

glassvase, sometimes we have a powerful attraction to someone but the circumstances aren't right.

I look back fondly on people I'd fallen for on first sight, but nothing came of them. Sometimes after a while I still saw them & my view of them subtly changed, other times I never saw them again.

Just because he's with someone doesn't mean he is happy with them & if its on/off & she always calls him back perhaps he's a bit fed up of being treated like a puppet.

In my relationships I've not had the time I'd like between people now looking back on it, to be myself a little more, but in my advanced age I have learned while I was with people, but perhaps that took longer because of it.

Being newly single might have changed your view about this & perhaps you feel excited/needy in some way that you wouldn't normally.

I'd meet up with him from time to time, just friendly & see what happens (if you can stand that).

BelleDameSansMerci · 31/12/2009 08:37

And let's be brutal here - many people, especially men, do not leave a relationship that they're unhappy in until they have a replacement. Personally I think that's nuts but lots of people seem unable to function without a relationship. Again, not perfect, but true.

LeninExcelsis · 31/12/2009 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov · 31/12/2009 09:02

Agree nightynight.
Ring has nothing to do with it. with or without a ring, you ask, in a round about way. its basic. do you want a drink/ a shag/ a ....yes/no/ thank you I would but I'm married. whatever the answer is.
Its not hard, is it.
well it could be for some men at this stage

morningpaper · 31/12/2009 09:08

I have a very close friend (male) who left his wife of many years just because he was unhappy - and she was DEVASTATED because the break-up was therefore all about HER FAILINGS.

Had their been another woman involved it would have been a million times easier on her ego.

(And funnily enough a couple of years ago I watched a couple of friends leave their partners for each other and they discovered that they were utterly sexually incompatible to the point of comedy. One of them is now single and the other went back to their partner. I can't help thinking that total celibacy in these situations is not always the "ideal" option....)

Human situations are complicated but humans basically want to be loved and to be wanted sexually - the messiest breakups are usually caused by normal humans, not wicked ones. Relationships overlap because we naturally seek out loving partnerships, that's quite normal. Demonising people who get themselves into this perfectly normal state of affairs leads to a very skewed view of 'wicked men and women' who are basically normal people - and leads to this idea that "this could never happen to me/my husband because we are good people" rather than embracing a more merciful and compassionate view of others.

tethersjinglebellend · 31/12/2009 09:14

What a great post, morningpaper

Oblomov · 31/12/2009 09:22

Every decent thread I am on these days contains dittany, PP and tethers. why is that then ?

tethersjinglebellend · 31/12/2009 09:26

Aw shucks