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Original poster

Is it *ever* right to encourage someone who is in a relationship?

200 replies

glassvase · 30/12/2009 00:58

Exactly that. I am newly single. Man in question currently in 'on' mode of long term on/off relationship. There has been something brewing for a couple of years, since first we met (a bit of a thunderbolt moment), but nothing concrete. I feel it is a bit 'now or never'; would it be morally reprehensible to pursue it? (No dcs)

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 30/12/2009 11:52

Why would you want to be with someone who stays in a destructive relationship - if indeed it is as bad as you say?

DontForgetToBreathe · 30/12/2009 11:54

I guess you don't believe in karma?

Original poster
glassvase · 30/12/2009 11:56

Thank you all for your posts. I ended my relationship because of the feelings I have for this man. He is, as yet, unaware that I am single.

I suppose what is driving me to post, and to feel (wrongly) that it's a case of now or never, is that these feelings don't seem to be going away. Because we've never discussed it, and (of necessity) have had little time together and rarely been alone, I really have nothing to go on but instinct.

I would like to write more, but am concerned about being outed in RL. I am aware, of course, that counter to my intuition, he may have no feelings at all for me, and that if he does, they may be of a wildly different tenor from my own.

Perhaps in time these feelings will fade, and if things don't happen, in the right way, then it's not meant to be. To be honest, if someone described this situation to me, I would think they were a bit mad.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
purplepeony · 30/12/2009 12:00

Is the off-on under his control, or is she dictating the situation?
If he is hanging on because he loves her and wants to make it work, then you have to wait, unless he shows sings otherwise.

Original poster
glassvase · 30/12/2009 12:01

Crossed posts there with lots of people, I was having a think. Interesting to get some other perspectives - thanks.

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 30/12/2009 12:02

Why would you want to be with someone who would start a relationship before ending one. Would you ever be able to respect him? Could you respect yourself?

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 12:10

But Paula, sometimes some people need the pull of something new to have the courage to leave something that isn't working. Not ideal, but it happpens all the time.

paulaplumpbottom · 30/12/2009 12:25

Maybe... but equally she could be interfering with a relationship that is stable and happy

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 12:35

But it's not stable and happy- is it- that's why she is posting.

paulaplumpbottom · 30/12/2009 12:37

I didn't pick that up anywhere. Glassvase why do you feel this might be good timing?

onadietcokebreak · 30/12/2009 12:39

I understand where you are coming from as you have ended a relationship based on your feelings for this man. However you need to take some time out to be single, recover from your past relationship and IF he happens to become single then you can maybe make a move.

The problem with encouraging him to leave is you will always be the other woman and your relationship will be based on his deceit. Not the best start.

Believe me I know that its really hard to be in a relationship and want someone else so you have done the right thing. Just need to bind your time til he becomes available and if that doesnt happen within the next 6mths I would say it wasnt meant to be.

DontForgetToBreathe · 30/12/2009 12:46

Just because in your opinion their relationship isn't stable and happy it shouldn't give you the righteous feeling of saving him from a bad relationship. It doesn't make it any better. It's sort of like saying, a relationship isn't a relationship unless you are stable and happy -all the time? When I had ds and I stopped sleeping with dh, should someone have come and helped him leave me? Let him save his relationship, or be man enough to make the decision by himself to leave. It will build his character.

Original poster
glassvase · 30/12/2009 13:17

As far as I am aware, the splitting up and getting back together is because he isn't sure of it. I don't think it's a terrible relationship by any means, just rather like the one I've just left - with a lovely partner who through no fault of their own doesn't feel quite right.

On the timing, I suppose I feel that whilst on the one hand, the fact that we haven't managed to get together by now might indicate it's a no go, on the other, I can see the same situation persisting this time next year.

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 30/12/2009 13:19

Would you want to have a relationship with someone who is capable of being decietful to his current partner?

NO!!!

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 13:30

But it's not a case of being deceitful is it- it's more a case of presenting him with the option and not taking it further until he has left the other relationship. Just becasue the OP shows an interest doesn't mean they have to sleep together/date until he has dropped the other girlfriend.

I met my DH of 25 years when I was in the fag-end of a 5 year relationship. I phased it out and started dating DH.

paulaplumpbottom · 30/12/2009 13:32

But if he felt the same way about you, wouldn't he now see his opportunity and end his relationship all on his own?

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 13:38

How together are they? do they live together? joint mortgage? Or are they "just" GF and BF?

I think what would put me off is that he doesn't seem to know what he wants and is indecisive as a person. If he initiates the on/off then it's not fair on HER is it?

ItsGraceAgain · 30/12/2009 13:41

I think you need to let him know you fancy him. Not sure how you'd do that, but you've probably given it plenty of consideration!

It's daft to sit around, Miss Havisham-like, pining for someone who may not even know you're an option. He's a grown-up, let him make his own choices once he knows there is a choice!

Unless ... if his on/off gf is a close friend of yours, you'd better be extremely sure of yourself.

SleighBelleDameSansMerci · 30/12/2009 13:43

I can't believe that after disagreeing with PP on a couple of other threads I find myself in complete agreement on this one.

We all know it's far from ideal if you meet someone and either they or you are already in a relationship but we live in the real world and this happens all the time.

lumpasmelly · 30/12/2009 13:46

You don't want to be his "transitional woman" - i.e. the one that gave him the strength to get out of his current relationship and get back on his feet again. Ultimately he will not be with you because he actually wants to be with you - he will be with you because you are available to help wean him off his current addiction to the woman he is with at the moment. Typically, men will never leave a woman unless they have someone else to go to (especially when they get to a certain age)....especially the "weak" ones (which are usually the ones trapped in bad relationships....its not like there are children involved so why does he stay if he is so unhappy?

If he really wants to be with you and his feelings are genuine, then he will end his relationship and pursue you properly. Don't give it to him on a plate, as you could be setting yourself up for heartache - if it's really meant to be, whats the harm in weighting a few months for him to make himself available.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/12/2009 13:53

I disagree, lumpasmelly (love that name!)

There's a slim chance he might have been holding a rose to put in OP's glass vase for ages As he's evidently not the decisive type, he might waft around with the GF for evermore - or, god help her, marry her.

It'd be like one of those awful Gothic novels where the destined lovers never get together.

For goodness sake, GV, put us all out of our misery! Ask him out for a drink!!

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 13:53

AhhhhhhhSleigh {fsmile]

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 13:54

sleigh stranger things have happened.

Laquitar · 30/12/2009 13:57

The only time i had an 'on - off relationship' i was basically used by him. and He was coming and going and only cared about himself. I wish someone had taken the wanker from me, i would owned her a favour.

I will say 'leave it' but not for her sake, for your own good.

Also, i agree with overmydeadbody that it is best to be single for while.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/12/2009 14:00

Yeah, but she dumped her X just because she liked Mr Indecision - it's not as if she need to 'find herself', she knows exactly what she wants!