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Original poster

Is it *ever* right to encourage someone who is in a relationship?

200 replies

glassvase · 30/12/2009 00:58

Exactly that. I am newly single. Man in question currently in 'on' mode of long term on/off relationship. There has been something brewing for a couple of years, since first we met (a bit of a thunderbolt moment), but nothing concrete. I feel it is a bit 'now or never'; would it be morally reprehensible to pursue it? (No dcs)

OP posts:
thenewbornnanny · 30/12/2009 17:07

I agree Dittany. You shouldn't order what's not on the menu. He needs to decide what/who he wants once he knows she is interested and then do the honorable thing from there.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 17:29

well it's a good job one of us is rational!

Tell me, what should my DH of 25 years now have done when we met one night c/o a friend? I was in a relationship with another man.

Admittedly, we had problems and the end was nigh and had been for a while- you know, off/on off/on. But when DH and I met, and got on , and he asked me for a date- should he have gone along and asked the other man first?

Or should I have told the current man that I was in fact going to date someone else- which is what I did?

Or should my now DH never have asked me out- as he did know by the end of the evening that I already had a boyfriend.

dittany · 30/12/2009 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/12/2009 17:43

Erm ... OP didn't say she was planning to kidnap the guy from his girlfriend's bed in the middle of the night ... She was worried about letting him know she's interested.

Unless he's psychic, he doesn't even know "what's on the menu".

He's in a half-hearted girlfriend thing, not a marriage or LIR. I really can't see why glassvase shouldn't let him know she's willing if he chooses to become available.

Hope you've asked him out by now, GV

ilovemydogandmrobama · 30/12/2009 17:50

No, I don't think it's ever right to encourage someone already in a relationship (except maybe extreme situations)

But I don't particularly subscribe to the notion of 'The One' as if there is only ever one person for another person.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 17:55

Oh Dittany- what a cop-out "Your situation is not relevant to what's going on here".

So what applies to one situation has absolutely no relevance to another?

You should eb a politician- maybe you are- as you have just evaded my question 100%.

dittany · 30/12/2009 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 18:14

well, you are dead interested in answering questions about other people's private lives, otherwise you wouldn't spend all day on MN would you,lol!

Guess it's just not my lucky day!

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 18:17

< sharp intake of breath >

MorrisZapp · 30/12/2009 18:18

What is meant by 'making a play'? If this means trying to get off with somebody then fair enough, you shouldn't really do that if you know the other person is in a relationship.

But if it means saying to that person- in sober daylight - that you like/ fancy/ want to marry them then it's fair enough.

Of course cheating is wrong but you're not asking him to cheat, you're asking him to consider ending his relationship to have one with you. I can't see anything wrong with this.

It's 2009 (for one more day), not 1950. Surely we've evolved beyond seeing men as helpless puppies that follow any bad woman who gives them a pat.

purplepeony · 30/12/2009 18:21

Thank God MZ for the voice of reason.

dittany · 30/12/2009 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleDameSansMerci · 30/12/2009 18:22

MorrisZapp - quite!

tethersjinglebellend · 30/12/2009 18:25

It is this man's responsibility to ascertain whether or not his relationship is stable and happy, not the OP's.

Letting this man know how you feel about him is not the same as pursuing him. Once he has all the information, if he chooses to hurt his current partner by leaving her and being with the OP, then it is he who has hurt her, not the OP- even though it may not feel like it to her at the time.

If the man decides he wants to be with the OP, should he instead stay in his current relationship for the rest of his life because it's the 'right' thing to do?

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 18:34

my advice would be..

tell him how you feel, that you are interested, you don't have to throw yourself at him like some man-eating hussy (I don't get the impression you are anything like this, incidentally)

but only if he was single

then leave the ball in his court, only taking up a relationship with him when the dust has settled

if he doesn't respond in this way, then you have your answer

thesouthsbelle · 30/12/2009 18:44

sorry but I agree with dittany, if you know someone is in a relationship (and GF/BF DOES count as a relationship afaic - and committed at that) it is out of order to even mention to the other party - 'oh if you were single' etc etc. if you meet someone who says oh i'm with someone you should say ok fair enough and walk away. if they're that bothered by you they'll finish it and come looking for you - that way you know they're really interested.

don't even say anything to him I wouldn't.

then again my view has changed somewhat since XH cheated - in fact it hasn't, married, co-habitating, or gf/bf the person is off the market and there for off limits.

nighbynight · 30/12/2009 18:54

If they are not married and there are no children, then I think they are fair game for come on signals.
Thats what marriage and wedding rings are for, a clear sign that you arent interested in other people.
I respect the bit of paper/ring, and I back off if there are children involved. Anyone else is single, as far as I am concerned.

From what you describe though, I would be wary - do you want a long term on/off relationship yourself???

dittany · 30/12/2009 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 18:57

I get that south and am sorry your dh was a cheater, but you are projecting a teensy bit here

if she declares her interest, and his other relationship is solid, he will say "thanks but no thanks" and no harm done

apart from maybe a dent to OP's pride and an ego boost for the bloke..

before I married DH, I had a couple of "declarations of interest", I said I am flattered but no thanks

am still friends with them, no hard feelings

it can be done in an honourable way, I think

of course, getting him pissed and then presenting your tits on a plate would not be an honourable way to do it

nighbynight · 30/12/2009 18:57

dittany, I would mind, thats why I got married....

nighbynight · 30/12/2009 18:58

exactly, whatfuckingyear

dittany · 30/12/2009 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 30/12/2009 19:01

however, I do think the limits of what would be an honourable path are very narrow

thesouthsbelle · 30/12/2009 19:04

sorry but I am not projecting here at all - kids or not ring or not morgage or not it doens't matter if 2 people are in a relationship and are a couple then they are NOT fair game, it is not acceptable for another person to make a play for them - sorry but hey I guess that's just me being old fashioned

nighbynight · 30/12/2009 19:04

dittany, we are not talking abot dancing nude in front of them.
you can let people know that you find them attractive in a very subtle way.

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