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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's left me

137 replies

Dreamon · 29/12/2009 07:56

My husband has left me. He told me 4 days after I found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant with our first child- which we had to get fertility treatment for. he left me on our holiday with my family- the day we arrived he said he didn't want the baby and wanted a divorce. He told me over the phone he wants a divorce and since then has refused to answer my calls. He has gone overseas now to clear his head. This is not like him. I thought our marriage was secure- obviously there are some issues but I never dreamed to this extent. I don't want a divorce. I still love him. I'm so scared. Help.

OP posts:

Earthstar · 29/12/2009 08:03

Oh you poor thing what a shock
How supportive are your family?

Original poster

Dreamon · 29/12/2009 08:16

They have been great but they live in a different country. I can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:

costagirl · 29/12/2009 08:24

God poor you. Let's hope he's having some kind of stressy crisis and will sort himself out. Maybe the thought of the baby, after the stress of IVF, has scared him etc (ffs!). Grit your teeth and look after yourself for that precious baby's sake.

JaneS · 29/12/2009 08:25

That's terrible. Don't have any good advice, just wanted to say I'm so sad for you. Hope you get some answers from him soon, at least.

TDiddy · 29/12/2009 08:37

How terrible!!

Understand how you feel BUT please don't go begging him as it will push him away further. Keep your dignity and start organising practical things. You will be emotionally distraught but atleast this way you will be prepared.

very very sorry to hear.

Hugs

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 29/12/2009 08:44

Really good advice from TDiddy ? don't go begging him. If anything, it will push him further away. Turn your focus to that much-wanted person growing in you. Do what you need to for his or her sake.

So sorry. Good luck.

PeppermintCream · 29/12/2009 08:49

How awful for you. Please try to focus on you and your baby for the next couple of days. It will be hard but eat well, get lots of rest, get support from here, friends and family.

He may just be freaking out, but whatever happens you can get through this.

Keep posting here.

Original poster

Dreamon · 29/12/2009 10:05

Thanks so much.

OP posts:

TDiddy · 29/12/2009 20:51

Dreamon- Big decision here to have DC3 but now i look at him and wonder how could i have doubted. He is the most ebullient, cheerful boy that i could have hoped for. You will not be sorry. Cry when you want to but take some control when you have the strength. Strong men like strong women (i think ?)

macdoodle · 29/12/2009 20:57

Oh my another one, am so sorry for you
All bets on an OW here, so sorry but no doubt in my mind
Be strong think of your gorgeous baby!

Original poster

Dreamon · 29/12/2009 21:29

I also think there is or else he's using drugs. Both of which he vehemently denies. I can't bear the thought of doing this alone, I know I have other support but he is meant to be the one that holds my hand, tells me it's all going to be ok. It hurts SO much right now. I wish I knew what was going on.

OP posts:

addictedtolatte · 29/12/2009 21:42

so sorry for you the truth will come out eventually. just look after yourself and think of your so much wanted baby that will be along soon. its no excuse but he may be overwhelmed by all the stress of fertility treatment ect. he may just need some time on his own. try not to keep ringing him if he wants to get in touch he knows your number. he will ring sooner or later. stay strong and will be thinking of you

TDiddy · 29/12/2009 22:47

Sometimes having a weak man + baby is worse than having just baby to look after. Your DP is showing signs of being just that sort altho' I don't know much about him.

TDiddy · 29/12/2009 22:48

I meant having baby alone is BETTER than weak man + baby. Didn't mean to sound negative.

whifflegarden · 29/12/2009 22:56

So when was he supposed to come back home? Or has he moved out?

kittya · 29/12/2009 23:35

How did he feel about going in for fertility treatment was he enthusiastic? you poor thing. Dont beat yourself up over the whys as they will come to light. Concentrate on yourself. Have you got support in this country?

Original poster

Dreamon · 30/12/2009 05:36

He's moved out. He's meant to be back in the country on the 10th jan. He appeared so keen to do treatment, he was fully participative and when we'd get BFNs would seem to be very dissapointed. I've got support but it's not the same as from having him here. I woke up this morning feeling sick and missing him so much.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 30/12/2009 06:01

oh my goodness. How horrible for you.

Thank goodness your family are with you for now at least. I'm really very sorry. Has he said nothing other than he doesn't want a baby and wants to get a divorce, has he explained anything to you?

I am afraid I have quite often heard of men being anything but responsible, supportive and helpful when their wives become pregnant. It is some sort of odd panic reaction that has them acting like childish irresponsible creeps at a time where we would be expecting them to be particularly supportive and caring.

I hope that is all it is, a mad panic and he will come to his senses since I hear this is what you want. You must really try to be calm if you can and protect your baby as much as possible. All the sadness and anger that sweep through you, your child is going through as well.

Where do your family live? If things don't work out, can you go there, would you like to do that?

TDiddy · 30/12/2009 09:07

Your DH is missing out big time. IN time it will be his loss. Possibly he will be begging your forgiveness but it could be too late by then.

I can imagine how upsetting this is but this is your chance to have this gift - so keep that at the back of your mind.

best wishes

whifflegarden · 30/12/2009 09:26

As others have said, it will all come to light in the meantime. Do look after yourself and the little baby growing inside you. I can only hope that he's having that panic that so many men do when a baby's coming, and that he doesn't know how to cope.

Stay calm and focus on you. It will be hard, but it's' the best thing you can do right now. Sorry this is happening to you.

morningpaper · 30/12/2009 09:31

So sorry, poor you

But YES it will be okay. You have an amazing miracle inside you and while it might not feel like it now, that is going to be the best thing ever

TDiddy · 30/12/2009 16:52

Thinking about it- the sooner that you feel able to tell DH that you don't need his emotional support, the better. This may sound callous but it more likely that he will come to his senses if he doesn't think that you are crying your eyes out all day long wishing that he were there. I don't think that you need to pretend to be super woman but if you can just tell him that you think you can do it without him .... essentially, it might be a good thing to take the "power" away from him and take "control" yourself. It will continue to hurt but you recovery will be faster and you will look back with a sense of achievement.

Might sound a little bizarre: but close your eyes and imagine that you are starring in a movie and the chips are down. Now what would advice would you give yourself?

I know that it is no way as easy as I make it sound but hopefully you see the general point I am making about taking some of the control away from him... as he must be slightly self-indulgent/immature to be doing this to you and little one.

addictedtolatte · 30/12/2009 18:51

couldnt have said it better myself TDiddy. can i adopt you as my emotional advisor

Original poster

Dreamon · 30/12/2009 19:49

Thanks so much for all the support and advice. It means more than you can begin to imagine.

OP posts:

Boys2mam · 30/12/2009 20:55

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this when you should be enjoying your BFP.

Do you have any people in RL to lean on?

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