He's left me

[Dreamon]

My husband has left me. He told me 4 days after I found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant with our first child- which we had to get fertility treatment for. he left me on our holiday with my family- the day we arrived he said he didn't want the baby and wanted a divorce. He told me over the phone he wants a divorce and since then has refused to answer my calls. He has gone overseas now to clear his head. This is not like him. I thought our marriage was secure- obviously there are some issues but I never dreamed to this extent. I don't want a divorce. I still love him. I'm so scared. Help.

yeah, I need some back-up

am alone in my old-fartedness

< sorry for hi-jack, OP >

< sorry for hi-jack, OP >

AF- can't even find the thread now....goodnight all

hugs and kisses dreamon my oh (toxic womble) walked out 8wks ago . Just remember you are a fiesty gutsy lady doing the most important job in the world just now and he just didnt make the grade .Life is tough so good riddance to bad rubbish you need love and support right now and we r here for you girl.Dont waste ur time crying over him ,take it from me ,you will just get a sore head .Being strong definately the way to go will really piss him off !!!Good luck mate xxx

night-night

@dreamon - how goes it today?

So many questions to answer! I'm 29, he's 31. He seemed to be really happy about the pregnancy when I told him. He sent me an email telling me where he is after I asked him, he's still adament he wants a divorce. He's in the film industry so at the mo he doesn't have any jobs hence him bring able to just take off like he has. I have some great friends and my family are amazing at the moment but it doesn't take the pain away. Work is a welcome distraction, I only have to go in a couple of hours a day at the mo. I'm missing him terribly even though he's caused this agony. I never dreamed it was this bad between us, I mean why go ahead with treatment if you are SO unhappy. Will let you guys know how the scan goes, fingers crossed all is ok.

good luck with the scan x

I agree with you dreamon, who in his right mind would go ahead with the treatment if he thought the relationship was not working out? Mad.

Fingers crossed for you today dreamon. Really hope the baby is ok.

Hi ladies, I had the scan, all is ok. Little heart beat and very cute though looks a bit blobish!!! So relieved and grateful. Xxx

congratulations !!

very happy the signs are looking good for your baby

hurray for your little blob!
the most important thing is going well

YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

some good news at last dreamon. I bet that's one adorable little blob

Fantastic news

So pleased for you dreamon.Sorry if i was a bit full on the other night ,just a bit mixed up myself at the moment. Just hate people hurting each other cos it really sucks !Take care xxx

maybees, you weren't too full on, love

who could fail to be angry at these nobber blokes ?

Thanks AF .Love and hugs to everyone who is feeling a bit down cos some arse hole bloke let them down big time xxxx

Hi, so today is the day he comes back from his holiday. He arrives in an hour and will be staying with a friend who is not the best with relationships. I didn't think I'd be so anxious about him being back in the country but my god my heart is skipping beats. A couple of his friends have told me to just accept that it's over as he's made up his mind but I can't. I still believe in us. People say do you really want to be with someone that's done this and right now I do. It's not like he's been an ass the whole time we've been together. I really want to see him and am not sure how to play it from here. A part of me feels if he sees me his resolve will weaken but I'm so scared that this is final. Any advice would be most welcome. X

Dreamon, I'm so sorry. This is a terrible shock and you'll be going through a process to deal with it - disbelief and denial sounds like where you're at now. And I don't mean denial in a negative way.

Who is with you right now? Are your parents there? What practical support do you have?

I can't give you advice on how to make him see sense. I can only say that you have to accept his decision right now and wait and see how things transpire. Don't beg or chase him - it'll just have him running in the opposite direction. Concentrate on the things you can control, that's the only advice I can really give right now.

Take good care of yourself and your little baby bean.

Hi Dreamon- I am worried that you will melt and start telling how much you love him...basically hand control over to him. If you do, I fear that it will have exactky the opposite effect of what you might be hoping for. If you want him back you have to be strong/in control. If you don't want him back you have to be strong/in control. Please use the movie analogy that I mentioned earlier. So look pretty and cheer yourself up.

Dreamon - please pleas PLEASE remember that he owes YOU and explanation for taking off and leaving you at such an important stage

do not go round there looking for him asking him back regardless of how you feel. Let him come to you and give you some answers, please.

yes- if you meet him, do so on your own terms. This is hard but you will get better results if you are strong/stay in control. Get someone close to support you.

what do his friends know that you don't know?

I am really not great at relationships dreamon so I don't have any good advice but I would say maybe think up something to say and write it down next to the phone for when/if he calls so you are prepared for it.

If it were me, I might write something like you're really glad he's called but you don't know what to say because you feel a bit in the dark about the whole thing and unsure how to behave towards him . That you have been missing him and it has been hard and hurtful. That you are trying to be a decent person in a difficult situation. Tht you are trying to understand him and you are trying to be a strong person for the good of your child. That you wanted a child with him and now you have a child but are on your own and you are just struggling with your emotions at the moment and trying to be the best mother you can under the circumstances. You hope he understands that.

Something like that, if that is how you feel. Jsut my thoughts but write down what your own thoughts are. I think it is ok to be honest about how you feel but if you call him, he may be harsh because he feels guilty about what he is doing and I think you can just do without any hurtful things like that.

In any case I think it is important to rmember you are both parents already. We don't start being parents when the baby is born but you are a mother already and he is a father already, like it or not and just as you are being responsible and caring to your dc, he should really be making an effort to do the same. At some stage you might need to talk to him about fatherhood and how the whole situation is going to be managed - but not yet

Good luck, I really hope things will become clearer to you soon and you see some positive way forward.

I really think it is horrible the way he is leaving you dangling like this. I know he may say he has said clearly that he wants a divorce but he is being evasive about the whole thing and of course you're hanging on there hoping he didn't really mean it or he'll change his mind and you'll be back together before the baby is born. I'd probably be the same. Hoping it is a bad dream and it'll all switch back to the way you had it planned.

Telling you on holiday that he wants a divorce but not why and then saying he is going overseas to clear his head, he will get counselling re being a father under these circumstances, then he is coming back to stay with a friend, etc and where are you in all of this? It's as if you're an invisible ghostly being who just happens to be carrying his child.

Did you two have a big bust up not long before you went on holiday?

So what he thinks is a pregnant woman just needs to be told he wants a divorce and she'll thinks: "ah ha, ok so I'm on my own now" and everything is just fine and dandy, or what?

So, he called and I had coffee with him a couple of hours ago. Thanks to all of the great advice you ladies gave me, I didn't beg, plead, shout or cry. Very proud of myself for that. He still gave me no real explaination other than he's been unhappy for awhile and has tried to work on it but to no avail. He says he doesn't think he has the strength or willingness to save our marriage right now. He asked me to book a session with a counsellor so we can clear the damage done and work on being parents and friends. I suppose I'm stupidly holding onto hope that once I have him in counselling we can fix this- whatever it is. He still says it's not another woman which I'm trying really hard to believe, for now at least. I suppose I just need to keep calm and focussed and keep looking after myself. Thanks so much for all the support. X

you poor thing. How very hard for you.

Did you notice how unhappy he was? Do you think the marriage couldbe changed so he is happier within it. I don't know what the problems are so cannot really judge it myself. Not that I'm the big expert on this kind of thing anyway.

I would definitely do the counselling and I think I might try and get a few counselling sessions on my own first to get myself clear if the aim is to definitely to work on saving the marriage.

Do you know where you may have gone wrong, how things deteriorated to such a degree for him or are you a bit mystified by the whole thing?

Problem is with people, in particular I think with men, that unless they are willing to give it a chance, it won't work. I think (once again no expert) but from my own limited experience I would say when men come to the point of saying it is over for them, they are generally at the point of no return.

Good luck with it all, so hope things sort themselves out for you.

How are your pregnancy symptoms now you've had the scan? Are you throwing up now finally ? Keep us posted, chin up, you'll come through it.