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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's left me

137 replies

Dreamon · 29/12/2009 07:56

My husband has left me. He told me 4 days after I found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant with our first child- which we had to get fertility treatment for. he left me on our holiday with my family- the day we arrived he said he didn't want the baby and wanted a divorce. He told me over the phone he wants a divorce and since then has refused to answer my calls. He has gone overseas now to clear his head. This is not like him. I thought our marriage was secure- obviously there are some issues but I never dreamed to this extent. I don't want a divorce. I still love him. I'm so scared. Help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2010 19:17

did she not know he is married and you are pg ?

TottWriter · 20/01/2010 19:30

If he's dishonest enough to carry on with IVF and an act that 'all is well' with Dreamon while starting off with another woman, quite possibly.

Maybe he was callous enough to hope that the IVF never worked and that he would never be caught out. I really hope that isn't the case, but you never know.

My heart goes out to you Dreamon, it really does. But you're doing all the right things - confronting this woman had to be done for you to have a hope of closure. By the sounds of his reaction, I'd say there's even a chance she didn't know about you, and is herself a victim of his messing around. Either way, make sure you get copies of all his incriminating e-mails as evidence of what he's been up to - the fact that he has committed adultery puts things very heavily in your favour, and means that there's no way he could dictate custody should he change his mind about your baby when it's born.

It's not going to make things easier in the long term to channel your hurt into anger, but it won't make it worse either, and if it helps you cope right now, that's what you need to do for you and your baby. And it is your baby; no one else's. He's forfeited all rights to an equal role in the upbringing by abandoning you in this way. Be strong, because you will come out of the other side of this with a wonderful baby who will make you smile and laugh again.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2010 19:34

don't get me wrong, tott

she did the right thing, IMO

thatsnotmymonkey · 20/01/2010 19:46

dreamon I think you did the right thing emailing this other woman, you don't owe him anything, and certainly don't be worrying that you have upset the apple cart with the OW.

At least you have some answers, and now you can move forward.

Have you got paperwork of all our financial stuff, have you moved money about. Have you contacted a lawyer? Do it all soon. I have a terrible feeling that this will not be amicable or smooth. Know your rights and protect yourself.

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, but you will come out the other side with a beautiful baby and a lovely life. He on the other hand may well flit from woman to woman never knowing the full and complete joy of a monogamous realtionship and his own family.

He is the biggest loser here. You are amazing, doing an amazing thing.

monkeyfacegrace · 20/01/2010 19:55

Huya Dreamon, just adding my hugs too. My husband left me with a 12month old for another woman 4 days before Xmas 2007 so I know what you are going through.

He is a fucker. Life is a bitch. But.... please please please believe me when I say your little bean inside you is going to be loyal and love you forever, and you will do the same for it, so stay strong. You have so much to be excited about.

Where abouts do you live?

reddaisy · 20/01/2010 22:38

Hi DreamOn

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug so here is one huuuuuuuuuggggggggggggg.

And my daughter is nearly 1 and she is the BEST thing that ever happened to me. We are a little team, she is my shadow and I am her best friend and believe me your baby will mean absolutely everything to you when it is here.

So, whenever you are feeling down give your tummy a little rub and thing of your darling child. It will be tough over the next few months but it will be worth it. I promise.

xxx

ZZZenAgain · 21/01/2010 10:13

dreamon

Just wtf does this idiot think he is, daring to get angray at you when he is the one who is in the wrong and he is very much in the wrong.

You know, before I had my dd I probably couldn't have imagined just how close you are to your dc. For myself I would have to say my relationship to my dd is stronger and closer than any relationship I ever had to anyone else, certainly to any man. It's true what you read that a mother will choose to suffer herself before she'd let her dc suffer (usually at least), I can't say I ever felt quite that way about a man. I can't speak for all women but I think it is generally true.

This man will never have anything like the relationship that you will have to this beautiful baby of yours. He is missing out on the excitement of anticipation that builds up as you go through pregnancy. A man can in any case only share that second-hand alongside the woman who is experiencing all this.

He has nothing by comparison, absolutely nothing and I am quite sure that OW in Hungary knows nothing about him being married. She may well toss him aside - and why not? And if she knew about you, well they are both nothing great.

I'm also thinking a man who can act how he has when in a difficult situation is not the kind of man you need around when there are problems with your dc. You need a decent man who acts decently in times of trouble because there will always be times when dc are ill or there are worries that need to be seen through - a man who will run off and act like a jerk now will do it in every difficult situation that life throws at him. I think he is not the man you thought he was, it is always when things go wrong in some way that you see people's true character.

ZZZenAgain · 22/01/2010 17:33

are you alright dreamon?

Have you had a reply back from OW in Hungary? Did she respond at all.

Dreamon · 22/01/2010 17:49

Not alright at all. I ended up cutting myself an hour ago. Have a friend here so safe for now. No reply from the bitch.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 22/01/2010 17:56

have you ever done that before?

This is so hard for you, I don't know what would be the best thing to do right now. Could someone come and stay with you, maybe someone from your family or would that just be an added burden?

pickupthismess · 22/01/2010 17:58

Don't even think of doing that again! Why are you hurting yourself - you should be planning how to hurt him - financially and emotionally I mean.

Everyone else is right - he's the loser. He will come to regret what he is doing one day. They always do.

Start planning monthly goals relating to the baby and your aims and push him as far out of your mind as you can.

chippychippybangbang · 22/01/2010 18:58

Oh dreamon, please look after yourself. Take all the help you possibly can from friends and family, and phone the Samaritans any time you need to.

Don't expect a reply from OW - at least not straightaway. She might be in shock, in denial, or simply be cruel enough to have her man and not to even care about your circumstances.

All this is not a reflection on you, it's them, and their behaviour is appalling. You deserve so much better than this.

TottWriter · 22/01/2010 21:42

Chippy is bang on with the Samaritans. I've called them myself, and it's great, because you can spill everything out, and have a good cry, and they're there to listen and offer advice but they don't judge. And you don't have to worry about what they think like you might a friend, because they don't know who you are.

Talk to your GP too, and see if you can get a referral for a counsellor - they might be able to fast track you if you're pregnant and mention that you've cut yourself. Please don't hurt yourself again though - he isn't worth you causing yourself any more pain on top of the rest. If you're feeling low, try opening a word docment and writing a long, expletive-filled letter - or write it by hand. I do that when things get me down, and it's great to just yell at the paper and tell it all the things going through your head. Afterward, you can delete it, keep it, or print it out and rip it into shreds. But it's a good way to get some of the anger and hurt out of your system, and by the end you feel tired but better, for a while at least.

And don't forget your little one. It's in there, getting stronger each day. You'll have a scan soon, right? Try and focus on the new person in your life rather than the old. It's a much more positive feeling, and anything which distracts you from the pain you're in right now has got to be a good thing.

ZZZenAgain · 23/01/2010 10:02

Here's the Samaritans' home page with telephone number and email. Really, don't hesitate to call them if you've feeling sad or angry. They are trained to listen and support. I called them once when a friend of mine was in a real dilemma and I didn't know how to help. Woman was great, just great.

here

How old is your little one now then dreamon?

dignified · 24/01/2010 15:53

Dream on, what a twat!
As awful as this is, thank fuck its happened now rather than a few years down the line with a young child caught up in it all, you dont need some shit like him.

Stay mad, get to the lawyers and do it quickly before he starts squirreling away his money( they always do )and get all his shit out of your house.

And fuck the ow, let her have him , she can clean the loo after hes pebble dashed the bog and she can sniff his farts too. Loser.

See if he feels the same when youve got a beautiful new born and some fit bloke on your arm.
I emailed the ow too but to say cheers, thanks, been trying to get rid of the fat fuck for years , your very welcome.Funnily enough she wasnt impressed.

You can do this op, youll be fine , youll discover a strength you didnt know you had.

ZZZenAgain · 24/01/2010 19:43

any chance of contacting a lawyer this week for an appointment dreamon, get the ball rolling re financial set-up?

thatsnotmymonkey · 25/01/2010 09:38

dreamon have not heard from you in a while, are you OK? Please don't cut yourself again.
Hows your bump? Are you getting a bit bigger? How you feeling?

Dreamon · 25/01/2010 17:09

Thanks so much for the number and all the support. It's been a really rough few days. My mum arrives tomorrow till Sunday so it'll be good to be looked after a bit, sure it will also drive me insane. I'm 10 weeks along now and had scan today, all is looking good. It's heart rate is high though at 186bmp, dr didn't seem worried about it and said they are very resiliant and it's me that isn't so right now! Thanks. X

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 25/01/2010 19:08

brilliant that your wee blob is coming along well. Any kind of gut feeling yet, boy or girl?

I bet it's been a rough time, glad your mum is coming. I found once I got pregnant/had my dc, I felt a lot closer to my mum than previously.

Could you go with her to a lawyer and find out where you stand financially? I know I ramble on about that a bit but don't leave it too late. Need to know your finances to feel secure. Also I think it hits him where it truly hurts (cash) and part of me quite likes that idea...

abedelia · 25/01/2010 19:27

As ZZZen - make sure you and your baby are financially looked after. There's nothing like a solicitor's letter to burst the romance bubble and make them realise what they are doing is real and has consequences. Nothing says 'you can't just walk out and deny oiur existence' like the CSA... Besides, the more money you get, the less they have. Bet he won't be such a catch when he's having to watch the pounds rather than treating her as she'd like to be accustomed.

Dreamon · 25/01/2010 19:29

I've actually got an appointment tomorrow with a lawyer. If it continues like it has I am going to totally destroy him financially. He doesn't have a leg to stand on, especially as I have some of his emails to her. He's an asshole but I think I'd still take him back in a heart beat if he came crawling begging for forgiveness.

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonkey · 25/01/2010 20:09

dreamon it is a really realy hard time for you, and yep you are in a very vulnerable position, but please please please, if he did come back on bended knee, go to some good long term couples therapy!!
You will have a lovely time with your mum, let her take care of you. Are you going to do anything nice? Maybe a lunch out together.

babys heart rates go up and down, so good your GP is not concerned. Are you in the UK? I think a fast heart rate is a girl...? or so the old wives tale goes.

Good to go to a lawyer, take someone with you so they can help you take it all in afterwards. Make copies of everything

Really good to hear from you.

HaveToWearHeels · 25/01/2010 21:31

dreamon Glad to hear you and the bean are doing OK and you are taking steps in the right direction. I can fully understand where you are coming from in wanting to take him back, after all you are still in love with him and that will only change with time (as they say time is a great healer). I know from bitter experience the pain you are going through, unlike you however there were no children. Once your baby is born you will have so much joy, please try and enjoy your pregnancy, it truely a special time. Take care and good luck at the solicitors.

maybees · 25/01/2010 22:09

Big hugs to you dreamon, you are doin great.Glad to hear your scan went well.Take it easy x

ZZZenAgain · 27/01/2010 07:56

Hi there dreamon

How are things with your mum? What does she have to say about it all?