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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

partner is totally preoccupied with sex..what was hot,now is NOT

282 replies

Littleblue · 15/12/2009 06:53

Im in a distance relationship,we have been together over a year.What was a very intense sexlife has reduced in intensity,as it is wont to do in any relationship once over the honeymoon period.
I have major financial worries and my libido has dropped,but his obsession and constant referrals to sex(he doesnt feel loved if im "cold")Im going off him rapidly but we were very close and loving.He asked me the other night if "this was what happened to my other relationships"..!st of these he is referring to,my partner of 10 years dropped me for my best friend,2nd,he turned out to be severely abusive...My new partner had obviously had a train of thought involving my perceived "habit of going off sex" as the cause of my previously violent situation.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 15/12/2009 06:55

You need to talk to him about why this has happened and then he might understand more.

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 07:07

i have,alot..he does try,but cant stop being all wistful about how it was..ive told him im real,not an 'idyll' or a fantasy..

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 07:09

il add here for clarity that lovemaking hasnt stopped,far from it,its just less wild,and not five times a ruddy night,ive got 4 kids and it got too exhausting...

OP posts:
ineedalifelaundry · 15/12/2009 07:13

Noooooo no no no he cannot put the blame for your xp's violence at your door! I would be seriously worried about his attitude and general commitment after a comment like that.

Sex is lovely but not what relationships are built on. If there's a problem in the sex dept, he needs to gently open a discussion about it, not start making demands and threats (that it drive him to cheat on you /abuse you justike the others )

Alarm bells.

ineedalifelaundry · 15/12/2009 07:16

And who the hell wants sex 5 times a night??? 5 times a week would exhaust me!

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 07:20

I am worried,but hes very loving and gentle..but the pressures too much,its like im being strong armed into putting out with tears and insecurity,not threats nd violence..but its doing major damage.
i stopped him waking me for sex months ago,that got annoying very quickly!

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 15/12/2009 07:24

For balance, why do you love/want to be with him?

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 07:27

We get on very well off this subject,same soh..we are both into architecture history,ie going round old cities and taking hundreds of pictures..Hes gentl,loyal funny and kind.
Ive told him til im blue in the face that the 'vertical'side of our relationship is more important for me,im furious with him tbh for being such a stereotypical bloke

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 08:07

he panicked when the bank took my credit card off me a few days,he admitted it was because when im mega stressed he finds ithard as im not the same with him..then showed me a picture he once took of me in the buff,really annoying

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 15/12/2009 09:54

It does sound as though he perceives sex as his 'right' rather than a healthy part of a healthy relationship. A touch mysoginistic? As too are his asumptions regarding your past relationships.

If he's the kind of man who 'needs' sex for security and validity, he may well seek it elsewhere at some point too.

I'd ditch and run, personally.

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 10:01

il be frank,he asked if he could touch me in non sexual way,when im sitting up in bed with a cuppa..rubs my legs and suddenly produces a vibrator..like im going to just melt immediately,i went nuts..why is he being so stupid,hes killing this relationship!!

OP posts:
EcoMouse · 15/12/2009 10:07

Huh?! He's got little head syndrome. Ditch and run!

Kally · 15/12/2009 10:35

If anyone used that against me, as the probable reason for my past break-up, first I'd say it's none of his bloody business and second that would put me right off him. Who is he to sit in judgement and draw conclusions? I'd ditch and run for the hills (5 x a nite or not!) That is not a high sex drive that is just annoying. Sounds like he needs constant reassurance all the time. Imagine! How does it manifest itself in other ways, I bet it does. He needs to grow up. (how old is he?)

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 15/12/2009 10:40

As is often the case, men who deep down believe that they are more important than women only show it when something stops the woman giving them her full attention and indulging their every whim. Everything was fine when you were unworried and probably you didn't even notice that he was getting his own way all the time as it coincided with what you wanted anyway - now you have something to think about other than him, he's showing himself to be self-obsessed and not really bothered about you as a person. I'd bin him.

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 12:07

Hes 52..he is very empathic usually,but even he admitted hw struggles when im out of kilter because things arent as 'relaxed'between us..
The wistful thing is pissing me off,but the conclusion about my domestic violent exe..god,i used to self harm with the exe and he was really shocked by that,tries so hard usually,too hard now tbh,its cloying and bordering on obsessive.
He plans to come this weekend and help me with the house as he knows things are getting on top of me,it feels like buying favours so he can get on top of me too :-) He does love me,but i dont think im feeling like i did,if one sentence can kill a relationship stone dead for me,it would be that one.

OP posts:
abedelia · 15/12/2009 12:12

God, he sounds really annoying - like a needy dog. Agree, if he needs that much reassurance through sex I would be very wary. You have 4 dcs and don't have time to be constantly putting him first. I don't think he gets that.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 15/12/2009 12:13

I think its true, one commet can beall it takes. But the background to that comment is so big don't feel like you are wrong for feeling this way.

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 12:15

Ive always put it down to the distance thing,were 130 miles apart,he says its cos he misses me so much,we spend alternate weekends together..but his exe wife apparently got sick to death of him 'slobbering all over her' to use her words..

OP posts:
SleighGirl · 15/12/2009 12:26

perhaps tell him you will be having sex x amount of times each weekend and if he's not happy with that then there is no point continuing with the relationship. He's 52 not a teenager he needs to realise that many people don't want to have lots & lots of sex at every opportunity.

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 12:37

Ive got a big problem with what my friend calls "f**k pressure"..my psycho exe reckoned i was frigid,and im now feeling frigid again,a few years on..i dont want him near me,what he calls a 'proper kiss' is a deep frenchie,i hate it

OP posts:
Malificence · 15/12/2009 13:02

52? I thought you were going to say he is about 25!

If he's pressuring you I'm not surprised you're feeling so turned off. I wouldn't think it was very "normal" for a man to have such a high sex drive at his age, is he using viagra recreationally? There was a programme about viagra on last night and it seems a lot of older men are using it when they have no need to and it is turning them into "randy teenagers" for want of a better phrase.
Waking you for sex must have been hugely annoying too.

You're turning off from his "neediness", it's all about his sexual needs and little to do with yours, a decent man wouldn't want you to have sex if you didn't want to.

Not wanting him near you isn't a good sign, I bet you can't even have a cuddle without his hands wandering.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2009 14:24

anybody who wakes me for sex is liable to lose their knackers

OP, your boyfriend sounds needy, selfish and frankly irritating

when is he going to grow up ?

Janos · 15/12/2009 14:49

OP, I know you say he is lovely but he doesn't sound lovely from what you say.

Constantly harrassing your partner for sex is actually a form of abuse.

Not surprised you don't want sex with him.

Original poster
Littleblue · 15/12/2009 15:51

He thinks hes being supportive,he IS trying to be on every level he knows how..he actually said he feels 'emasculated' by not having me depend on him,he needs an ickle wifey and im an independent intelligent adult and i find his habit of turning the chat round to sex so often bloody annoying..hes aware of it,but i realise now he cant stop it..Hes not on viagra,no..unless he hides it well,he reckons his sex drive is normal,even though ive told him its unbelievably high.
He does manage to keep his hands to himself sometimes,but even then he harps on all jokey about how hes controlling himself..hes totally obsessed with sex.He texted the other day 'how was my day going'..my response after the bank shut my credit off was a 'hari kiri sword would be usueful..he reckoned he had something he could impale me with that would take my mind off it..barf

OP posts:
PirateCatintheXmasHat · 15/12/2009 15:59

oh dear.

I'd be happier with just the cup of tea, and a book.

He sounds orrible, eww.