oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

[dimbo]

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

[Iklboo]

Photocopy the front of the game and put it in a card. Take the game to Gamestation or Game and sell it. Buy yourself something with the money. When he opens tha card tell him 'look what you could have had if you understood the concept of gift giving you selfish tw*t'.

[Anniegetyourgun]

And you're going to give him a present - why? Is it too late to get a refund? You can either spend the money on something vital like household bills or buy something for yourself, wrap it nicely, open it in front of him and indulge yourself. Don't even offer him a chocolate/make sure it's a book he wouldn't read.

Why you're with him is another question of course, but you haven't asked for opinions on that.

[ChickensHaveNoTinsel]

Agree. Do NOT give this selfish man a present. He doesn't deserve it.

[OrmIrian]

Oh that's awful

How f*ing mean! The secret santa thing makes it 100x worse.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Great minds think alike, eh Iklboo

[Buda]

Return his present. Do NOT give it to him.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

[Sparkletastic]

Do what Iklboo says and when you feel ready come back and talk about why you are with this person....

[dimbo]

Annie, the fact that he's quite mean with presents etc is thankfully one of his worst traits. I should add that apart from petrol etc he barely spends money on himself either - he's tighter than a camels arse in a sandstorm.

I don't really want to return his gift, I do want him to have something which will make him happy, as he does work hard, but I just wish he'd buck his bloody ideas up and stop acting like I'm being completely unreasonable to expect a present twice a year, especially when I always try to get him something nice.

[Anniegetyourgun]

OK, straw poll here: does ANYONE in the entire online universe believe the OP should give her OH a Christmas present? (Other than a nice suitcase to pack his stuff in, perhaps.)

[maltesermuncher]

Take the x box back to the shop and spend the refund on a night out with your friends.

[dimbo]

Sorry I just needed to rant here because I'm pregnant and if I have a go at him I tend to be more shouty than I am normally and I'm trying to keep a lid on it!

[BitOfFun]

He sounds rather immature- I don't understand these men who play computer games like overgrown teenagers.

I know you haven't asked for comments on the relationship generally, but what on earth are you doing in a long-term relationship with someone who makes you feel so crap? You only get one life you know- isn't he wasting your time?

[BitOfFun]

[oldwoman]

dimbo - do you have children?

My DH and I don't ususally do presents for eachother as that's the kind of people we both are - we are both happy with that. However, if my DH was the sort of person who liked to get a present, I would definitely get him one and vice versa.

Since we have 2 young children, we have got tokens at Christmas - ie DH bought himself a book so that I could wrap it up with the kids and we could give it to him on Christmas day. I have a DVD which him and the kids will give to me on Christmas day. We would have bought both these items anyway and we will eBay them both after we've finished with them , but we have just stuck them in wrapping paper to show the kids that the whole present thing works both ways - you don't just collect up stuff for yourself!

I think you should give him his xbox game anyway and see how he reacts. If he is any sort of decent person, he should apologise for not getting you anything. I would remain calm and dignified throughout and hope that he sees the error of his ways. I wouldn't discuss it at all between now and then - he still has time to get you something anyway. If he does not see the error of his ways, I would have it out at a later date rather than on Christmas day! Anyway if you don't give him his xbox game, you are signalling to him that there is no need to bother again, so I wouldn't do that.

[FakePlasticChristmasTrees]

Why would you give him something that will make him happy when he's not interested in doing the same for you? Is he expecting something from you?

[dimbo]

BOF I know what you mean about men playing with toys, it secretly pisses me off too, I mean I don't expect him to spend his money on me buying me games or novelty things, and tbh I'd be too busy to play them. But you know what (some) men are like, they're just big kids.

He doesn't make me feel like crap all the time but birthdays and christmas this same old chestnut rears its ugly head, it's just a shame, because I'm someone for whom small gestures go a long way.

[ChickensHaveNoTinsel]

What's with all this being 'secretly' pissed off? And 'keeping a lid on it'? Why don't you just tell him you're hurt by his behaviour?

[dimbo]

Oldwoman, yes we have one dc and one on the way, don't worry, I've made sure he has presents! It's about the kids anyway really, isn't it.

I expect I'm blowing this out of proportion really, it's just that this year we've told everyone just to buy ds something, so afaik his would have been the only present I got (my parents are dead) I expect he hasn't thought about that.

Maybe we shouldn't bother with presents at all (for us) next year, it'd save some aggro that's for sure.

[tiredoftherain]

This happened to me last Xmas, except money wasn't an issue at all. I bought gifts for all of mine and his families (about 20 people in total) and then about 8 individual presents for him as he likes to have lots of things to unwrap. He got me.. nothing.

On Xmas morning he announced he hadn't got me anything, so I wouldn't be disappointed when everyone unwrapped their gifts later on. He did tell me I could spend some money on the credit card instead. Not even a card with a handwritten voucher or anything. I was so miserable I stood there and cried.

This Christmas we're getting divorced. Obviously there was far more to it than that, but him failing to do such a simple thing to make me happy really showed how little he thought of me, and valued what I did for him.

[dimbo]

Shine, we are skint but we don't have an agreement not to buy presents (since as I said, I'd be happy with something cheap) if we did I wouldn't have an issue.

Chickens, he'd make out I was obsessed with being showered with gifts, or that I wanted us to go hungry so that I could have presents, or some shit. I can't be bothered with it, pick your battles etc

[Lemonylemon]

Yes, but it's those times that are especially important to you - and he KNOWS they are - when you get let down.... He's selfish. Sorry.

[dimbo]

Aaw, sorry to hear that tiredoftherain (about the lack of christmas presents, not the divorce, as I'm sure it was necessary!)

My shittiest moment like that was at about 5pm on my birthday a few years back, I had to ask him myself if he'd bought me a card, and he said "uh, yeah, I haven't written in it yet, but you can have it anyway if you want"

Yes love, that's what a girl wants for her birthday, a blank card with the price ticket on. Why not just leave the cellophane on too so I can treasure it forfuckingever.

[tiredoftherain]

Yes, it's never the value which is important, it's truly the old cliche that it's the thought which counts. If you could do something simple to make someone you love happy, why on earth wouldn't you do it? It's the underlying selfishness which is the real issue. I hope you can get it sorted.