oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

[dimbo]

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

[LovinSealcracker]

Well I distinctly remember a similar thread. Which just goes to show, there are others who have the same upsetting dilemmna.

'I have only 2p in my pocket because I bought a hornby tree for my train set' and I have no monopoly money in my piggy bank, sorry.

[dimbo]

LovinSealCracker, but he bought the ingredients though! bless his little cotton socks it's not like you buy the ingredients for all the meals every week, then cook them, is it? oh wait...

[LovinSealcracker]

He sounds fine then, so stop dissing him for not buying you some measly piece of dove soap?

Its the thought that counts...so at least he thought of buying you something but he blew the lolly on a train fare.

wassa problem here?

[LovinSealcracker]

dimbo, do not change your name. It suits you. Sadly.

[expatinscotland]

People can only treat you like shit if you let them.

[dimbo]

So ladies, if I want a present, do I actually say "I want a present, you better come up with something or you're in trouble" ?

[expatinscotland]

you tell him what you want.

no 'or else'.

there shouldn't need to be one.

[FabIsVeryHappy]

In this case yes but only if you mean it.

Most partners know they should, and actually want to buy their partner a present or three.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"It's a good point (and one I acknowledge several of you have made, thank you) I probably do need to tell him it hurts my feelings when he does this. I just hate the way that if I bring it up he thinks I'm all about things when I'm not, it really is the thought that counts, to me. (But it's a good way of making me stop arguing isn't it?)"

Well actually there is no probably about it but I don't think he would listen to your entreaties anyway. He cares not a jot for you or your children. Only he ultimately matters, as long as he is alright.

I actually think its sad that you don't care that much about a gift. It shows all too clearly your lack of self esteem and worth - self esteem as well that he has also ground down over time.

I reckon as well your Brother wonders what you are doing with such a manchild for a partner. He probably is very worried about you, you are throwing your life away. When you self worth is through the floor as it clearly is you grow flowers in the hole you're in.

Your manchild hit paydirt when he met you because of your inherent low self esteem (your parents certainly taught you some damaging relationship lessons) and as a result you have also allowed him to treat you in such a manner. There is no physical violence but cruelty comes in all guises. My guess is all this was insidious in its onset so you never noticed.

What message does all this send your children?. They will notice how you are treated, what lessons do you want to teach them?

[dimbo]

Lovinsealcracker, thanks for that My post about your ex was sarcastic you know! I was taking the piss that he thought buying ingredients for a single meal was a big effort.

[wannaBe]

Think op is being given a bit of a hard time here tbh.

Sometimes it is easier to see things when you?re looking in from the outside and not involved, And sometimes it is easy to make snap judgements based on limited information.

Also, it?s very easy to shout ?leave him,? when you?re looking in from the outside, but if you?re in a relationship with someone and you have a child together and expecting your second child, it?s really not quite that straightforward, and while it?s entirely possible that this relationship is a bad one, it?s also entirely possible that this is one thing that really bugs the op, but that the rest of the time things are great. We only get a snapshot into peoples? lives on here, and I bet that we all have something in our own relationships that if we posted about in isolation would have posters crying ?leave him,? even though the relationships might be good other than that one issue iyswim.

Op ? your dp does sound as if he is selfish from your posts, and from other posts it does sound as if you have very low self esteem and seem to think that you deserve to be treated like this. You do not deserve to be treated like this, not even if it?s just at Christmas and birthdays. Even if the relationship is fantastic most of the time, doesn?t mean you have to accept the bad bits and that you can?t feel hurt over things like not being given a Christmas/birthday present.

I would take this chance to have a look at your relationship and ask yourself whether you really are happy, or whether your upset is actually due to things building up over time and this being the thing that as snapped for you, hence while you feel you are being disproportionately upset over it.

I wouldn?t consider someone who plays computer games to be a selfish childish arsehole in isolation. Lots and lots of men play computer games, lots of women play computer games too, and they still have normal happy relationships.

Equally though him not cheating/not hurting ou are not things ou should even consider when thinking about the good bits of a relationship, those should be part and parcel of any normal relationship, you shouldn?t be grateful he doesn?t hurt you/cheat, you should just expect that?s the way it should be.

How Is communication between you? Without getting into an argument can you sit down and talk about how this upsets you? Can you tell him how it makes you feel i.e. that you are not important enough to him for him to consider you at Christmas/birthdays? And reiterate that it?s not the present but the thought that counts.

[LovinSealcracker]

Er, yes.

is that so blimmin difficult? he has got away with being a selfish twat for too long and you are upset enough to ssay so out loud.

But not to him.

Only on here.

You are letting him to do it.

And yes, of course I bought most of the bloody ingredients for most meals, and paid for his kids school uniforms and for our holidays and and and...because I was a first class mug, married to a twunt who beca,me progressively more of a selfish bastard.

makes sense to me. Thank god i got rid of him.

[LovinSealcracker]

Well you are so defensive of him I can't even discern sarcasm in your posts. GO DIMBO GO DIMBO GO DIMBO tell him you want a LOVELY PRESSIE for xmas or you are going to 'think about your options.'

And burn his bloody computer headphone things.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Abusers are not abusive all of the time, if they were no woman would want to spend any time with them at all. They can be extremely plausible, I reckon his friends think he's great.

Being parsimonious too is not an attractive trait. Any money he seems to have as well gets spent on trivia rather than important stuff like food.

I also believe that if you have a group of strangers to each other posting the same types of responses then not all of these people can be wrong or can be dismissed easily.

The problem is these types of abuses go in cycles; the circle keeps turning and nothing ever changes. He won't change his behaviour re a present because he inherently thinks the OP does not deserve anything from him anyway.

If any of these posts has made the OP think some more about her overall situation with the manchild then all well and good.

[dimbo]

Thanks wannabe I was starting to feel like a bit too much was being read into my posts (of course he cares about ds! he adores him)

Communication wise we do have some problems with difficult issues like this, I try to explain how I feel, he says I'm repeating myself and going on and on about things. He'd rather not have long discussions about things, but you can't just condense things into the two bullet points he'd like or it really does turn into "you've pissed me off, get me a present now or else"

[expatinscotland]

i would have long ago taken that game back, too.

[expatinscotland]

'Communication wise we do have some problems with difficult issues like this, I try to explain how I feel, he says I'm repeating myself and going on and on about things. He'd rather not have long discussions about things, but you can't just condense things into the two bullet points he'd like or it really does turn into "you've pissed me off, get me a present now or else"'

that's because he doesn't give a shit about what you have to say, and therefore, about your feelings.

hello? anyone home?

[dimbo]

In fact what I will bloody tell him is that I sold something on eBay to get the money to buy him his present. It's not like I've got pots of cash sitting about that I don't tell him about. He has an eBay account and a paypal account, he's perfectly capable of making a listing so there's nothing stopping HIM from selling something to buy me a present, except that that could be construed as effort, which apparently he's allergic to.

[expatinscotland]

why bother? he doesn't care.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The lack of presents are the least of your relationship problems. Its the tip of a very big iceberg that floats beneath the surface of your relationship.

All I would ask is that you look at your overall situation with the manchild. Whose name/s is on the property, is it solely his residence?. You of course do not have to answer that but as his partner anyway you have very few rights and you are more vulnerable than ever now. He has you where he wants you really.

So he cares for his DS - your's man's contempt is solely reserved for you. That also sends a poor message to your son, your son could end up treating you poorly because his Dad does the same. Your DS could well go on to learn that it is okay not to buy "her indoors" a present or treat her with kindness and respect.

[dimbo]

expat, he's got it from his very blunt mother. She says things in one sentence, but of course he won't contest anything she says as the sun shines out of her arse, whereas if I was to say things in a blunt manner I'd be being unreasonable, hysterical etc

I am listening, I just think it's not as easy as "just" binning him. Trust me, I am going to have a go at him about this when he gets home. He's putting in no effort and you're right, by saying nothing I'm enabling it, making it easy for him. Fuck that.

[dimbo]

Well expat, what would you have me do? I say I won't argue, I get called a doormat. I say I will argue, I get told there's no point!